Twisted Twilight
by Mike the Bus Driver
Summary: A fun twilight parody, made with love and lots of caffeine.
1. Chapter 1: Brotherly Love

**Just something you ought to know before you read (and if you've been to my profile you can just skip this and get right to it): This is something that I do not write by myself. In fact, the whole thing started because me and my friend were having a fake argument and somehow the whole thing morphed into a twilight thing. So the 'K' that you see is me, and the 'M' that you see is my friend. Just so you know.**

K-  
I COULDN'T REMEMBER HOW TO SPELL IT, OKAY??? MY SPELL CHECK DOESN'T  
INCLUDE NONSENSE WORDS!

M-  
WELL LEARN IT! IT'S OUR LANGUAGE!! YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW TO SPELL OUR  
LANGUAGE!!!!!!!  
OKAY!?!?!??!

K-  
I'M TRYING IT'S JUST HARD TO LEARN WHEN YOU'RE PRESSURING ME LIKE THIS!  
WHY CAN'T YOU ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM?????

M-  
BECAUSE YOU BROKE MY CUE BALL!!! AND IT WAS MY FAVORITE!!!! GOSH!!!

K-  
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!!! I DON'T KNOW MY OWN STRENGTH SOMETIMES!!!

M-  
SURE IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!! LIKE YOU PLAYING WITH THOSE POOL TABLE  
STICKS!!!!

K-  
THAT WASN'T MY FAULT, OKAY??

M-  
IT SO TOTALLY WAS AND YOU DON'T WANT TO ADMIT IT!!!

K-  
NUH UHHHHH!!!!!!!!  
YOU PUSHED ME INTO IT!  
SO IT WAS TOTALLY YOUR FAULT!

M-  
NO!!!!! I DIDN'T "MAKE YOU" DO ANYTHING!! OKAY!?!?

K-  
YES YOU DID!!!  
JUST GROW UP AND TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR ACTIONS, GOSH!

M-  
YOU GROW UP! I KNOW YOU STOLE MY NICKLEBACK C.D!!! IT'S NOT EVEN  
FUNNY!!! I WOULDN'T MIND YOU BORROWING IT IF YOU GAVE IT BACK!!  
*if you asked for it**

K-  
I AM PROFUSELY SORRY!  
I AM A MONSTER!!!  
I DESERVE NOTHING LESS THAN TO BE STRANGLED BY THIS ANACONDA!

M-  
YES YOU DO!!! EVEN THE MONKEYS HATE YOU FOR STEALING!!! GOSH!!!!!! GET A  
LIFE, LOSER!!

K-  
I DON'T EVEN LIKE THAT CD!!!  
IT IS LYRICALLY INSIPID!

M-  
NO I DON'T THINK IT'S ENTERTAINING WATCHING GIRLS SHAKE THEIR BUTTS!

K-  
MUST YOU PISTOL-WHIP EVERYONE??

M-  
YES I MUST! ESPECIALLY BECAUSE I WANT THAT C.D. BACK!!!!

K-  
I DID NOT STEAL YOUR CD!!!  
YOU MUST HAVE LOST IT AGAIN!  
THIS IS WHY WE CANT HAVE NICE THINGS!  
WHAT DO YOU MEAN FATHER WILL BUY US A NEW ONE??  
THAT IS A POOR ATTITUDE TO TAKE!

M-  
I KNOW YOU TOOK IT!!!! DON'T YOU LIE TO ME!!! I AM SOOO TELLING FATHER!!!!  
YOU KNOW YOU TOOK IT, BUT YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO ADMIT TO THE FACT  
THAT YOU TOOK IT BECAUSE YOU ARE A KNIVEING LITTLE LIAR AND NOBODY  
LOVES YOU!! SO GO LOCK YOURSELF IN YOUR ROOM FOR THE NEXT 50 YEARS!!!  
OKAY!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!

K-  
TAKE IT BACK!  
TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW!!  
NO MOM, I WONT CALM DOWN! HE DOES IT ALL THE TIME, AND HE KNOWS IT'S  
DISRESPECTFUL, HE KNOWS!

M-  
I WILL NOT TAKE IT BACK!! IT'S THE TRUTH AND YOU KNOW IT!!! WHAT ARE YOU  
EVEN TALKING ABOUT!? JUST GO DIE IN A BOTTOMLESS HOLE AND LEAVE US THE  
HELL ALONE, OKAY!?

K-  
NO RESPECT!  
NO RESPECT!!!!  
YOU ARE A HEATHEN!  
A HEATHEN!!!!!!!!!!  
I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT!  
I AM TRULY SORRY!  
I WILL GO WASH MY MOUTH OUT AND LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM!  
NO ONE TALK TO ME!  
I AM A MONSTER, IT IS WHAT I DESERVE!!!

M-  
THANK GOD!!!! FINALLY!! EVERYBODY, HE'S LOCKING HIMSELF UP IN HIS ROOM!!!  
YOU CAN COME OUT OF HIDING!!! I'VE BEEN WAITING ALL DAY FOR YOU TO DO  
THAT!!! YAY!! WE NOW GET 2 WEEKS OF PEACE AND QUIET!!!!

K-  
I CAN TAKE ALL THE TIME I NEED TO HEAL, OK??  
KEEP IT DOWN, I'M TRYING TO READ PROUST!!!

M-  
YEAH, AND WHILE YOU'RE AT IT, MAKE THE HOUSE ALL PRETTY AND NICE!!!

K-  
I DON'T WANT TO HAVE TO CLEAN THE HOUSE AGAIN BECAUSE YOU CANNOT USE  
A SIMPLE MOP!!!  
YES, I AM IMPLYING YOU ARE AN IDIOT. IT PAINS ME TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT  
YOU, BUT I DO NOT THINK THE FLOORBOARDS CAN HANDLE ANY MORE DIRTY  
WATER BEFORE DRY ROT SETS IN.

M-  
THAT WAS YOU, YOU IDIOT!!! YOU DON'T KNOW HOW TO USE A MOP!!! YOU ARE  
OBVIOUSLY AN IDIOT BECAUSE YOU ARE CONFUSING YOUR IMAGINATION WITH  
REALITY!!!

K-  
YOU OBVIOUSLY HAVE SOME MEMORY PROBLEMS!  
I THINK CARLISLE SHOULD HAVE A LOOK AT YOUR HEAD, JUST TO MAKE SURE  
THAT LAST BEAR YOU ATE DIDN'T LEAVE ANY PERMANENT DAMAGE!  
AND EVEN SO, IMAGINATION WOULD BE SOMETHING YOU COULD BENEFIT FROM,  
EMMETT! COULD YOU IMAGINE THE WORLD IF THERE WAS NO IMAGINATION? NO  
HARRY POTTER!  
NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT HARRY POTTER IS AN IDIOT!  
HARRY POTTER IS A GENTLEMAN, EMMETT!

M-  
HARRY POTTER CAN GO KISS MY ASS FOR ALL I CARE!!! HARRY POTTER IS NOT A  
GENTLEMEN!!!! I THINK CARLISLE NEEDS TO GO GET SOME FIRE WOOD AND  
MATCHES AND A BIG BUTCHER'S KNIFE FOR YOU!!!!

K-  
SEE HERE, BUTCHER'S KNIVES ARE NOT PLAYTHINGS, EMMETT! THEY ARE FINELY  
CRAFTED CULINARY EQUIPMENT AND SHOULD BE USED AS SUCH!  
THEY WERE MADE FOR A PURPOSE, WE MUST RESPECT THAT!!!  
DO STOP WAVING THAT AT ME IN A THREATENING MANNER, IT IS NOT  
RESPECTFUL!

M-  
WE NEED TO START CELEBRATING HALLOWEEN AND START CARVING YOUR FACE  
WITH A BUTCHER'S KNIFE. CARLISLE!?!? CARLISLE!?!? WHERE'S THAT BUTCHER'S  
KNIFE? DO WE STILL HAVE IT FROM THE TIME WE CARVED VICTORIA!?!? DAMN,  
WHERE'S THAT KNIFE!! I BET YOU STOLE IT LIKE MY C.D.!!! STEALER!!!

K-  
FOR THE LAST TIME, I DID NOT STEAL THAT HORRIBLE CD!  
THAT MUSIC MAKES ME WANT TO DIE. AGAIN!  
I CANNOT CONDONE YOUR MUSICAL CHOICE!  
LISTEN TO HOW HE TALKS ABOUT WOMEN!  
AND DRUGS ARE NOT COOL!  
NOR IS SUCH VIOLENCE!

M-  
YOU ARE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU ARE EMBARRASSED TO SAY OUTLOUD  
THAT HE IS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER!!! I'VE HEARD THAT C.D. IN YOUR ROOM AND I  
KNOW WHERE YOU STASH HIS POSTERS!!

K-  
YOU PLANTED THOSE POSTERS IN THERE!!!  
WHY MUST YOU SABOTAGE ME SO???  
I CANNOT SPEAK TO YOU WHEN YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS!

M-  
THEN GO LOCK YOURSELF UP IN YOUR BEDROOM, LOSER! NOBODY WANTS TO  
LISTEN TO YOUR WHINING!! ~takes a staple gun and staples the posters to his head~ THAT  
WAS YOUR CHRISTMAS PRESENT DAMN IT!!!

K-  
WELL INSTEAD OF YOUR CRAPPY MUSIC POSTERS, PERHAPS YOU COULD HAVE  
GOTTEN ME A THOUGHTFUL GIFT? LIKE MAYBE A SWEATER YOU KNITTED  
YOURSELF, OR SOME LOVELY POTTERY. ONE CAN NOT HAVE TOO MANY CERAMIC  
BOWLS, EVEN IF ONE DOES NOT EAT.

M-  
YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU BI***!!?!? I DIDN'T HAVE TO GIVE YOU A F******  
CHRISTMAS PRESENT AT ALL! IT'S THE F****** THOUGHT THAT COUNTS YOU  
MOTHER F*****!!!!!!

K-  
WELL YOUR THOUGHT IS OBVIOUSLY PURELY SPITEFUL FOR YOU KNOW I CAN'T  
STAND THAT BAND!  
SUCH LANGUAGE! IT BURNS MY EARS! PLEASE! THERE ARE LADIES PRESENT!

M-  
YOU THOUGHTLESS B****!!!!! CARLISLE!!!!!! WE NEED TO FIND THOSE KNIVES  
NOW!!! F*** THAT MOTHER F*****!!! I GET A F****** NICE GIFT, AND HOW DO YOU  
RESPOND!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!!?!???!?! ~tackles Edward~

K-  
A FLIMSY POSTER FOR DISTASTEFUL MUSIC IS NOT WHAT I WOULD CALL A NICE  
GIFT!  
I'M SORRY, I SHOULD BE MORE APPRECIATIVE, EVEN IF YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC IS  
LACKING!  
I AM A MONSTER FOR SAYING SUCH THINGS TO YOU!  
A MONSTER!!!

M-  
YES YOU ARE A MONSTER!!!!! A F****** MONSTER THAT WILL NEVER EVER GET  
LA** AND WILL ALWAYS BE CLEANING WHEN PEOPLE ARE HAVING ***!!!!!

K-  
WELL SOMEONE HAS TO CLEAN!!! THIS HOUSE IS FILTHY, HOW CAN WE EVER  
HAVE PEOPLE OVER WHEN THERE IS DUST ON THE FLOOR! WE ARE NOT ANIMALS!

M-  
THAT'S THE POINT!!! NOBODY COMES OVER LOSER!!! YOU'RE A SOCIAL PARIAH,  
THAT'S WHY!!! YOU AND YOUR STUPID BELLA ARE ALWAYS OFF DOING GOD  
KNOWS WHAT..  
AND JASPER NEEDS TO STOP TRYING TO GET WITH BELLA!!! SHE IS MINE!!! AND IF  
ANYBODY TRIES TO STEAL HER, I WILL GO BOOM HEADSHOT ALL OVER THEIR  
ASSES!  
I'VE SEEN THE LOOKS HE'S GIVEN HER!!!

K-  
HE'S JUST TRYING NOT TO EAT HER, YOU OF ALL PEOPLE SHOULD BE ABLE TO  
UNDERSTAND THAT!  
SUCH VIOLENCE, HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK OF DOING SUCH UNSPEAKABLE  
DEEDS TO YOUR OWN BROTHER??

M-  
BECAUSE HE'S TRYING TO GET WITH HER AND IT MAKES ME MAD!!! YOU DON'T  
UNDERSTAND!!! YOU'RE NOT A CONTROL FREAK LIKE ME!!!

K-  
AND BELLA IS NOT STUPID! HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT MY ONLY  
LOVE, THE TRUEST OF ALL LOVES??? SHE IS PURE AND LOVELY AND IS THE ONLY  
LIGHT IN MY BLACK LIFE!

M-  
DUDE, SHE'S ONLY WITH YOU BECAUSE SHE WANTS TO GET WITH YOU!! GOD, YOU  
ARE AN IDIOT!!!

K-  
TAKE THAT BACK! JUST BECAUSE YOU DO NOT UNDERSTAND HER PURITY AND  
HER KINDNESS TOWARDS ME, THOUGH I DO NOT DESERVE IT, DOES NOT MEAN  
SHE IS, AS YOU SAY, ONLY TRYING TO GET WITH ME! WE HAVE A DEEPLY  
EMOTIONAL CONNECTION THAT I DO NOT EXPECT SOMEONE LIKE YOU TO  
UNDERSTAND! SHE LOVES ME EVEN THOUGH I AM A MONSTER WHO DESERVES TO  
BE LONELY FOREVER!!!

M-  
PURITY!? WHAT "PURITY!?" OH, C'MON, THERE IS NO "DEEP CONNECTION." STOP  
FOOLING ME BY TELLING ME WORTHLESS S***!!! THE ONLY "DEEP CONNECTION"  
IS WHEN YOU TWO ARE ALONE IN YOUR LITTLE HOUSE, AWAY FROM EVERYBODY.  
YEAH, THAT'S "DEEP" ALRIGHT!!

K-  
NO ONE HAS EVER FELT THIS WAY! SHE IS MY ONE TRUE LOVE! YOU DON'T  
UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE!!!!  
WHAT IF SHE WERE TO HEAR YOU SAYING SUCH THINGS?? BELLA'S HAPPINESS IS  
THE ONLY THING THAT MATTERS IN THE WORLD TO ME! I WOULD RATHER DIE A  
THOUSAND DEATHS THAN TO SEE HER UPSET FOR ONE MOMENT!  
NOT THAT I DON'T DESERVE TO DIE A THOUSAND DEATHS, FOR I AM A MONSTER!

M-  
DUDE, SHUT THE F*** UP!!! ~GRABS HIM AND THROWS HIM AS HARD AS HE CAN  
DOWN THE STAIRS AND THEN "FLIES" DOWN THE STAIRS AND HITS HIM~ ~TAKES  
THE STAPLE GUN AND STARTS PUNCHING IT ON HIS HEAD AND WHEN HE IS DONE  
EDWARD'S HEAD READS "PLAYER."~

K-  
YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS OF MY LOVE FOR BELLA! AND I BET  
YOU'RE STILL BITTER THAT SHE BEAT YOU AT THAT ARM WRESTLING TOO, AREN'T  
YOU?? WELL, I WON'T ALLOW YOU TO COME NEAR HER ANYMORE. YOUR WORDS  
WOULD BREAK HER FRAGILE HEART! MY POOR, SWEET, FRAGILE BELLA!

M-  
EDWARD, SHE'S NOT ONE OF US!!! SHE NEVER WILL BE!! AND THE ONLY REASON  
WHY THAT B**** BEAT ME IS BECAUSE SHE HAS F****** HUMAN BLOOD RUNNING  
THROUGH HER VEINS!! WHAT A F****** SKAN*!

K-  
EMMETT, I MUST ASK YOU NOT TO USE SUCH LANGUAGE! WHAT IF BELLA HEARD  
YOU?? SHE IS A LADY! NOT A FOWL WORD FOR A FEMALE DOG!  
OH DEAR, WHAT IF RENESME HEARS YOU?? SHE IS A SWEET INNOCENT CHILD,  
EMMETT! I COULDN'T BEAR IT IF HER INNOCENCE OR HAPPINESS WERE TO BE  
TARNISHED IN ANY WAY!!! IT WOULD DEVASTATE ME SO!

M-  
I'M SURE RIGHT NOW HER AND THAT DOG ARE GETTING IT ON!!! OH, AND I DO  
UNDERSTAND LOVE. AT LEAST ROSALIE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON ME LIKE BELLA  
DID TO YOU, TURNING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND MAKING OUT WITH THE LITTLE  
HALF-HUMAN'S FUTURE HUSBAND!!

K-  
BELLA'S KISS WITH JACOB WAS ENTIRELY NOT HER FAULT. I CAN BLAME ONLY  
MYSELF FOR MY EXTENDED ABSENCE FROM HER LIFE! I AM A MONSTER FOR  
LEAVING HER AND BRINGING SUCH HEART BREAKING DECISIONS INTO HER LIFE!

M-  
YES, YOU ARE A F****** MONSTER, YOU F****** SELFISH LOW LIFE!!! AND I THINK  
BELLA WANTED HIM TO KISS HER!! AND ALL NIGHT TOO, SHE DID. I KNOW  
THINGS!!

K-  
HOW COULD YOU SAY SUCH THINGS?? BELLA HAS ALWAYS LOVED ME! SHE IS  
PERFECTLY BLISSFULLY MARRIED TO ME AND WE HAVE A BEAUTIFUL LOVE THAT  
WILL LAST UNTIL THE END OF ALL TIME! YOU ARE TOO SIMPLE TO UNDERSTAND  
OUR COMPLICATED LOVE!

M-  
YEAH, IT'S COMPLICATED ALRIGHT!! HER DOINGS WITH THAT DOG!! SNEAKING  
AROUND YOUR BACK. YOU KNOW, I'M SURE AS SOON AS YOU GUYS GO HOME  
AND DO WHATEVER YOU DO, SHE SNEAKS OUT AND GOES AND MEETS UP WITH  
THAT DOG!!

K-  
BELLA DOES NOT SNEAK! SHE IS A LOVELY WOMAN! JACOB TRICKED HER INTO IT!  
IT HAS NOT HAPPENED SINCE! I TRUST BELLA! AND JACOB WOULD NOT BE ABLE  
TO DO THAT TO NESSIE, HE IS FAR TO LOYAL. WE ARE ALL HAPPY IN LOVE AND IF  
YOU CANNOT UNDERSTAND THAT I AM VERY SORRY FOR YOU!

M-  
NO DUDE!! SHE SNEAKS!! AND I'M SURE YOU SNEAK TOO!!! PROBABLY WITH THAT  
LEAH GIRL THAT'S PART OF THE DOG'S PACK!!! WHAT A MAN WHO**!!! DUDE,  
YOU'RE BEING A PLAYA!! FAR BEYOND ME. ONCE A PLAYA, ALWAYS A PLAYA.

K-  
I WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MY POOR SWEET BELLA! SHE IS FAR TO WONDERFUL  
FOR ME TO EVER WISH TO BETRAY HER IN SUCH A MANNER! I HAVE NEVER  
WANTED ANYONE ELSE IN MY ENTIRE EXISTENCE! SHE IS MY ONLY LOVE! MY  
ONE TRUE LOVE! BELLLLLLLA!!!!!!!!! I LOVE YOU BELLA!!!!!! MY ONE TRUE LOVE!!!!  
MY ONLY LOVVVVE!!!!!!

M-  
~SLAPS HIM~ GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF, MAN!! SEE WHAT THIS WOMAN DOES TO  
YOU!! LOOK AT YOURSELF!! YOU'RE A WRECK IF YOU DON'T HAVE YOUR  
"PRECIOUS" BELLA, THAT CHEATS TILL THE NO TOMORROW! I'M SURE HER AND  
MIKE HAD A THING TOO.

K-  
BELLA IS THE BEST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME! MIKE NEWTON IS A  
PIG! I HAVE SEEN HIS MIND, EMMETT! SHE IS AN OBJECT TO HIM! AN OBJECT!!! I  
WILL ALWAYS TREAT BELLA LIKE THE QUEEN SHE IS! SHE DESERVES NOTHING  
LESS FOR ACCEPTING ME WITH LOVE AND KINDNESS, THOUGH I AM A MONSTER!  
SHE IS ALL THAT IS GOOD IN THIS WORLD, EMMETT!

M-  
DUDE, SHE IS A F****** MONSTER!!! WHO IS USING YOU!! YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T  
SEE IT, BUT I SEE RIGHT THROUGH HER!!!! SHE'S A PLAYA MAN. JUST ACCEPT IT  
AND MOVE ON IN LIFE. AND MIKE AND I ARE TIGHT. SO SHUT THE HELL UP ABOUT  
HIM!!

K-  
YOU AND MIKE WOULD BE 'TIGHT', WOULDN'T YOU? YOU PROBABLY LISTEN TO  
THE SAME FOWL MUSIC AND OBJECTIFY THE SAME INNOCENT GIRLS!  
I MUST INSIST THAT YOU AND ROSALIE SEEK COUNSELING! I CANNOT PERMIT  
YOU TO SLANDER BELLA IN SUCH A WAY! YOU MUST REALIZE THAT YOUR CRUEL  
WORDS STEM FROM YOUR JEALOUSY OVER OUR WONDERFUL RELATIONSHIP!  
PERHAPS WITH PROFESSIONAL HELP YOU COULD RECOGNIZE AND APPRECIATE  
THE BEAUTIES OF LOVE!

M-  
DUDE, WHO SAYS THAT!?!? YOU SERIOUSLY NEED HELP!! LISTEN TO YOURSELF!!  
"THE BEAUTIES OF LOVE!" MY ASS! ROSALIE AND I ARE FAR BETTER OFF THAN YOU  
ARE!! I KNOW MY GIRL DOESN'T CHEAT ON ME, EDWARD!!! YOURS ON THE OTHER  
HAND, DOES. EVERY NIGHT. WITH A DIFFERENT PERSON. OH- WHAT'S THAT  
CALLED? PROSTITUTE?

K-  
BELLA IS NOT A PROSTITUTE! HOW SUCH FOWL AND LOATHSOME WORDS ESCAPE  
YOUR MOUTH I CANNOT FATHOM! SHE IS THE LOVE OF MY EXISTENCE, EMMETT!  
SHE IS COMPLETELY LOYAL TO ME! IF YOU HAVE ANY LOVE AND RESPECT FOR ME  
AT ALL THEN YOU WILL ACCEPT HER WITH KINDNESS AND PERHAPS YOU WILL  
COME TO LOVE HER AS ONE SHOULD LOVE THEIR SISTER-IN-LAW! ROSE AND I  
DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG, BUT I ALWAYS MAKE AN EFFORT, DO I NOT??  
BECAUSE WE ARE FAMILY!!! IF YOU CANNOT CONTAIN YOUR HIDEOUS WORDS I  
SHALL HAVE TO CALL A FAMILY MEETING!

M-  
I'M SURE YOU AND ROSE GOT IT DONE TOO, YOU BASTARD!! YOU'RE A COLD  
PLAYA, EDWARD!! STOP SCREWING AROUND!!! SHE'S NOT LOYAL TO YOU AT ALL  
IF SHE'S A PROSTITUTE, EDWARD!! EVEN RENESSMEE WOULD KNOW THAT,  
S***HEAD!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I HAVE LOVE AND RESPECT FOR A  
S***HEAD!? I DIDN'T THINK SO!!  
K-  
TAKE THAT BACK! SPREAD WHATEVER LIES YOU MAY ABOUT ME, BUT I MUST  
PROTEST ANY UNTRUE IMPLICATIONS ABOUT MY DAUGHTER AND MY WIFE!  
MOTHER AND FATHER AGREE WITH ME! THEY ARE BEAUTIFUL AND PURE AND IF  
YOU CANNOT SEE THAT THAN I AM SORRY TO SAY THAT YOU ARE AN  
INSENSITIVE WART!  
I'M TRULY SORRY! I SHOULD NOT HAVE LET MY ANGER INFLUENCE ME TO SAY  
SUCH UNKIND WORDS. PLEASE FORGIVE ME!

M-  
HOW CAN I EVER FORGIVE A MONSTER LIKE YOU, F****** SH**HEAD!!! I'M SURE  
THAT'S NOT EVEN YOUR DAUGHTER! I BET IT'S MIKE'S OR JACOB'S KID SECRETLY  
AND THEY DON'T WANT TO TELL YOU, BUT I SURE AS HELL WILL!! THE KID'S NOT  
YOURS, A******!!! WOULD YOU LIKE TO PUT HER UP FOR ADOPTION, OR SHOULD  
I?

K-  
REALLY EMMETT, THERE IS NO QUESTION OF WHOSE CHILD IT IS. YOU ONLY HAVE  
TO LOOK AT HER SWEET AND INNOCENT FACE TO SEE THAT IT IS EXACTLY LIKE  
MINE, ONLY NOT TAINTED BY THE MONSTER WITHIN ME. AND MIKE IS NOT A  
VAMPIRE. HE IS UNABLE TO PRODUCE A HALF VAMPIRE CHILD! NOR IS JACOB!  
I PITY WHATEVER PROBLEMS YOU ARE HAVING AT THE MOMENT THAT CAUSE  
SUCH HATEFUL WORDS TO POUR FROM YOU MOUTH. DID NO ONE EVER TELL YOU  
THAT WORDS ARE WEAPONS, EMMETT?

M-  
ACTUALLY, CONSIDER THE THOUGHT THAT JASPER COULD BE THE FATHER. OR  
MYSELF... OR EVEN BETTER. CARLISLE!!! AH HA HA!! I TELL NOTHING BUT THE  
TRUTH, MAN!! SO THESE WORDS COMING FROM MY MOUTH ARE NOT WEAPONS!!  
YOU'RE JUST MENTALLY DISABLED AND HAVE PROBLEMS. DO YOU WANT ME TO  
TALK SLOWER, CAUSE I CAN? ~TALKS SLOWER~ EDWARD, MY NAME EMMETT.  
EMMETT THINK YOU A SH**HEAD!!!

K-  
EMMETT, YOUR THOUGHTS ARE CRUEL BUT COMPLETELY FICTITIOUS! BELIEVE ME,  
I KNOW!  
YOUR WORDS ARE INDEED WEAPONS! THEY CUT WOUNDS INTO THE SOUL,  
EMMETT! OR THEY WOULD, IF I BUT HAD ONE. BUT THEY HURT ALL THE SAME,  
EMMETT!  
I TOLERATE MOST OF YOU SHENANIGANS BUT I MUST PUT MY FOOT DOWN  
WHERE MY FAMILY IS CONCERNED!  
SPEAKING OF JASPER, WHERE IS HE? I THINK YOU ARE IN NEED OF A CHILL PILL. I  
CANNOT TALK TO YOU WHEN YOU ARE LIKE THIS! SUCH FOWL LANGUAGE I HAVE  
NEVER HEARD!

M-  
HE'S GETTING IT ON WITH YOUR WIFE MAN!! I'M TELLING YOU! I'VE BEEN TELLING  
YOU, BUT YOU'RE TOO MUCH OF A SH**HEAD TO LISTEN TO ME, BECAUSE HELL,  
YOU ARE A SH**HEAD! AND YES, I DID GO THERE, B****!!!!

K-  
JASPER WOULD NEVER, HE LOVES ALICE FAR TOO MUCH! IN FACT, I KNOW HE IS  
NOT, BECAUSE HIS MIND REMAINS COMPLETELY INVOLVED IN TRYING NOT TO  
EAT THE NEIGHBORS! AND BELLA LOVES ME TOO DEEPLY TO EVEN THINK ABOUT  
BETRAYING ME IN SUCH A DESPICABLE WAY!  
EMMETT, I MUST INSIST THAT YOU TALK TO SOMEBODY ABOUT THIS IRRATIONAL  
ANGER YOU HAVE TOWARDS ME AND MY SPOUSE. IT PAINS ME TO SEE YOU SO  
UPSET OVER THINGS THAT AREN'T TRUE!

M-  
WE DON'T EVEN HAVE NEIGHBORS, CRAPPY!!!! YOU DROVE THEM AWAY WHEN  
YOU WERE ALL EMO AND SH**!!!!! STOP BEING SUCH A SOCIAL PARIAH, EDWARD,  
AND GROW UP!! I THINK YOU NEED A CHILL PILL A******!!! YOU'RE SO CRABY  
THAT YOU'RE LIKE 10 GIRLS PMSING AT THE SAME TIME!!

K-  
REALLY EMMETT, THIS ANGER YOU ARE DISPLAYING IS CONCERNING ME! YOU  
SHOULD CONSIDER TAKING UP A HOBBY. YOU COULD LEARN HOW TO KNIT, OR  
DO PUZZLES. OR WE WOULD HAVE SO MUCH FUN SCRAP BOOKING TOGETHER,  
WOULDN'T YOU THINK? OR YOU COULD JOIN MY BOOK CLUB. WE'RE DOING JANE  
AUSTEN THIS MONTH!

M-  
OR I CAN JUST KICK YOUR ASS!!! HONESTLY EDWARD-KNITTING!? WHAT ARE  
YOU!? A PSYCHOTIC 40 YEAR OLD MOTHER!? POOR RENESSMEE!! SHE HAS A  
PROSTITUTE MOTHER AND A 40 YEAR OLD CRAZED FATHER, I MEAN MOTHER. I'M  
GOING TO GO PUT HER UP FOR ADOPTION SO I CAN SPARE HER LIFE.

K-  
LEAVE MY INNOCENT CHILD OUT OF THIS! I ASSURE YOU SHE IS PERFECTLY  
CONTENT WITH THE PARENTS SHE HAS! WE COULDN'T POSSIBLY LOVE EACH  
OTHER MORE!  
AND YOU DON'T HAVE TO LEARN TO KNIT! I WAS JUST MAKING SOME  
SUGGESTIONS!! WOULD YOU RATHER TAKE UP AN INSTRUMENT? IT CAN BE QUITE  
A STRESS RELIEVER, LET ME TELL YOU. AND I BET ROSE WOULD ABSOLUTELY  
LOVE IT IF YOU WROTE HER A SONG. BELLA DID!

M-  
OH YEAH!! SHE'S CONTENT ALRIGHT!!! MY ASS!! SHE PROBABLY WANTS TO KILL  
HERSELF!!! ONE MOTHER JUST ISN'T ENOUGH, IS IT!?  
SURE EDWARD, GIVE ME YOUR PIANO!! I'LL DO WONDERS WITH IT!! WONDERS  
YOU WOUDN'T BELIEVE.  
AND ROSE WOULD HATE THAT. THE ONLY REASON WHY BELLA WAS SMILING WAS  
THE FACT THAT SHE DIDN'T WANT TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS AND TELL YOU THAT  
YOU SUCK!! AND YOUR VOICE SUCKS TOO BY THE WAY!! IT SOUNDS LIKE DYING  
TURKEY!!

K-  
YOU COULDN'T POSSIBLY UNDERSTAND OUR LOVE EMMETT, AS YOU HAVE NEVER  
BEEN A FATHER! GOD FORBID IT! YOUR POOR CHILD WOULD BE SPEWING THE  
SAME RANCID MUSIC!  
THE PIANO IS A LOVELY INSTRUMENT, EMMETT! IT IS MAYBE TOO DELICATE FOR  
YOU... PERHAPS YOU WOULD BE MORE SUITED TO THE GUITAR! I'M SURE ROSE  
WOULD LOVE IT IF YOU SERENADED HER. IT WOULDN'T KILL YOU TO BE  
ROMANTIC EVERY ONCE IN A WHILE!  
AND I'LL OVERLOOK THAT COMMENT ABOUT MY VOICE. SURELY YOU DIDN'T  
MEAN IT. BELLA HAS ALWAYS SAID THAT MY VOICE IS VELVET. AND MOTHER  
AGREES! YOU MUST BE JEALOUS. WE COULD TAKE VOICE LESSONS, YOU KNOW!  
TOGETHER! WE WOULD HAVE SUCH FUN, EMMETT!

M-  
~picks up Edward's piano and throws it at him~ HERE, LET'S GO WRITE US A SONG  
EDWARD!!! I CAN BE ROMANTIC, YOU MORON! YOU JUST WOULD NEVER KNOW  
CAUSE YOU ARE ALWAYS WITH BELLA, LOW LIFE!! ~stomps upstairs angrily~ AND I  
WOULD TOO MAKE A GOOD FATHER!!! ~goes inside his room and slams the door~ ~screams~  
SH**HEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT, I'M SO ASHAMED OF MYSELF FOR SAYING SUCH  
CRUEL THINGS! I'M SO VERY SORRY! I AM A MONSTER!  
WAIT A MINUTE... WHERE ARE MY STICKERS??  
EMMETT, DID YOU STEAL THEM?  
NO, THAT'S THE LAST STRAW!  
IN THE JEEP, NOW!  
WE'RE GOING TO GET NEW ONES AND YOU'RE GOING TO PAY FOR THEM!

M-  
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH YOU, CRAZY!!! TAKE YOUR PRECIOUS BELLA!!!!  
I'M STAYING OUT OF YOUR LIFE FOR NOW ON. SO JUST GO AND F*** YOUSELF!!! I  
HAVE FEELINGS TOO, YOU KNOW!!

K-  
IF YOU HAD FEELINGS THEN YOU WOULD KNOW NOT TO DISREGARD THE  
FEELINGS OF OTHERS, EMMETT! I PAID $4.50 FOR THOSE STICKERS EMMETT, AND  
YOU ARE PAYING ME BACK!  
EMMETT I DO NOT UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN DO THESE THINGS TO YOUR OWN  
BROTHER!!! I WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO YOU!

M-  
I DIDN'T STEAL YOUR STUPID F****** GIRLY STICKERS!!! UNLIKE YOU, I AM A MAN  
AND WOULD NOT HAVE STICKERS OF BARBIE ALL OVER MY STUPID GIRLY  
SCRAPBOOKS!! WHAT KIND OF A MAN USES BARBIE STICKERS AND DOES  
SCRAPBOOKING AS A HOBBY!?!? EDWARD, ARE YOU GA*!?

K-  
THOSE BARBIE STICKERS ARE FOR RENESME'S PAGES!!! I THOUGHT YOU WOULD BE  
ABLE TO APPRECIATE HER LIMITED CHILDHOOD A LITTLE BIT BETTER THAN THAT!  
SCRAPBOOKING IS THE ONLY WAY WE WILL BE ABLE TO DOCUMENT THE  
HAPPINESS WE ALL SHARE AS A FAMILY!!!  
NO RESPECT!!!  
NONE!!!!!!!!!

M-  
DUDE, SHE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE THOSE STICKERS!! SHE'S LIKES DORA!!! SHE  
THINKS BARBIE IS TOO MUCH OF A SLUT AND I AGREE WITH HER!! YOU SHOULD  
KNOW THIS ABOUT YOUR DAUGHTER!! YOU HAVE NO RESPECT FOR HER MAN!!  
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES!!!

K-  
OF COURSE I KNOW WHAT SHE LIKES, I CAN READ HER MIND! SHE JUST PRETENDS  
TO HATE BARBIE BECAUSE SHE THINKS YOU COULD TOLERATE DORA BETTER!  
BECAUSE SHE IS A PURE, KIND, INNOCENT CHILD! WHO LOVES HER UNCLE!

M-  
SHE HATES BARBIE!! SHE TOLD ME THAT BARBIE IS A SLUT, SO STOP BUYING  
THOSE STICKERS EDWARD!!! AND GO BUY YOUR OWN DAMN STICKERS ANS STOP  
YELLING AT ME!!!!

K-  
RENESME DOESN'T EVEN KNOW THE WORD SLUT UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN YELLING  
PROFANITIES NEAR HER AGAIN! DARN YOU, EMMETT, WE'VE TALKED ABOUT THIS!  
SHE'S A CHILD! A CHILD!!!!!!!!!!!!  
AND I DID BUY MY OWN STICKERS, EMMETT! BUT YOU STOLE THEM! HOW AM I  
SUPPOSED TO TEACH RENESME GOOD MORALS WHEN YOU KEEP STEALING WITH  
NO CONSEQUENCES?

M-  
I ALREADY TOLD HER WHAT THE WORD SLUT MEANS BECAUSE SHE WAS  
WONDERING WHY HER MOMMY WAS SLEEPING AROUND WITH OTHER GUYS!!! SHE  
WANTED TO KNOW, SO I TOLD HER YOU JACKASS!!! AND SO WHAT IF SHE'S A  
CHILD!? YOU CAN'T PROTECT HER FOREVER!! IF YOU DO, THE REAL WORLD WILL  
JUST BITE HER HARD IN THE ASS WHEN SHE GROWS UP!! DO YOU WANT THAT FOR  
YOUR CHILD, EDWARD!? JEEZE, THINK MAN!!!

K-  
EMMETT, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??? BELLA IS WITH ME ONLY, RENESME  
KNOWS THAT. WE ARE A GOOD FAMILY!!! I MUST PROTECT HER AS LONG AS I CAN  
FROM THE CRUELTIES OF THE WORLD, EMMETT! SHE IS TOO PRECIOUS TO KNOW  
WHAT HORRORS AWAIT HER IN HER YEARS TO COME. ONE DAY SHE WILL KNOW,  
BUT WHY MUST WE SPOIL HER INNOCENCE AND HAPPINESS SO SOON??? WHY  
MUST YOU CORRUPT HER SO????? WHY????????????????

M-  
BECAUSE WHEN SHE GETS TO THE REAL WORLD, EDWARD, SHE WILL KNOW WHAT  
LIES AHEAD!! SHE WILL BE PREPARED FOR ANYTHING!!! MY GOD MAN, I THOUGHT  
THAT YOU WOULD HAVE THOUGHT OF THAT.  
AND YOU AND YOUR "GOOD FAMILY" CAN GO BITE MY ASS!!! YOU GOT A  
PROSTITUTE FOR A WIFE, A HALF VAMPIRE, HALF HUMAN CHILD WHO WILL  
SOMEDAY FALL IN LOVE WITH A WEREWOLF IN WHICH I CAN'T EVEN IMIGINE  
THEIR KIDS AND YOU!!! YOU'RE THE 40 YEAR OLD MOTHER THAT THROWS  
TANTRUMS ALL THE TIME LIKE YOU'RE 5-YEARS-OLD!! YEAH, YOU GOT A GOOD  
FAMILY, EDWARD!! A GOOD DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY THAT I DON'T WANT TO BE  
A PART OF!!

K-  
YOU HAVE IT ALL WRONG! JUST BECAUSE YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND FAMILY  
DYNAMICS! EMMETT MAYBE YOU SHOULD COME SPEND A DAY WITH OUR  
FAMILY, JUST TO EXPERIENCE IT! OH WHAT FUN WE WOULD HAVE! WE COULD  
PLAY CHARADES!

M-  
TRUST ME, I UNDERSTAND YOUR "FAMILY DYNAMICS" AND IT SEEMS TO ME THAT I  
WOULD RATHER SHOOT MYSELF THEN TO EVER SPEND "QUALITY TIME" WITH  
YOU!!! OH OH!! I HAVE A GOOD CHARADE. READY!!! ~STICKS HIS MIDDLE FINGER  
UP~ GO KISS MY ASS, EDWARD!!!

K-  
WELL WE DON'T HAVE TO DO CHARADES! I JUST THOUGHT YOU WOULD LIKE TO  
HAVE SOME GOOD CLEAN FUN WITH YOUR NIECE AND SISTER IN LAW! WE ARE  
FAMILY EMMETT! FAMILY!!!

M-  
I WISH WE WEREN'T A FAMILY!! WHY WOULD I WANT A FAMILY WITH A BUNCH OF  
RETAR*** LIKE YOU, HUH!? THE ONLY REASON WHY I'M STILL EVEN HERE IS  
BECAUSE OF ROSE!!!! I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!!! SO WHY SHOULD I SPEND  
"FAMILY TIME" WITH A PERSON I WANT TO MOVE AWAY FROM!? THAT'S RIGHT!! I  
WENT THERE. I WOULD RATHER GOUGE MY EYES OUT THEN TO LIVE WITH YOU!!!

K-  
EMMETT! HOW COULD YOU??? YOU'RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE  
ANGRY! DEEP DOWN YOU KNOW YOU LOVE US. THINK OF ESME! MAYBE WE  
SHOULD ALL GO CAMPING TOGETHER TO BOND AGAIN! WE COULD TELL  
CAMPFIRE STORIES!

M-  
I'D RATHER GET MAULED BY A BEAR AGAIN THAN TO GO CAMPING WITH YOU!!!  
REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED LAST TIME EDWARD!? WE WANTED TO MEET UP  
WITH A COUPLE MORE PEOPLE TO GO CAMPING BUT YOU INSISTED THAT IT  
"SHOULD BE JUST US BECAUSE WE NEVER GET TO BOND ANYMORE." AND THEN I  
SAID F*** YOU AND THEN YOU GOT PISSED AT ME AND STAYED IN THE TENT WITH  
BELLA AND RENESME ALL NIGHT!

K-  
ALL I WANT TO KNOW IS WHAT'S WRONG WITH ACTUALLY SPENDING QUALITY  
TIME WITH YOUR FAMILY??  
AND OF COURSE I GOT MAD YOU! WERE SWEARING IN FRONT OF MY LOVELY  
SWEET RENESME! YOU'RE LUCKY SHE MANAGED TO RECUPERATE FROM SUCH  
VERBAL COMBAT!

M-  
BECAUSE WHENEVER I TRY TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, I WANT TO ALWAYS SHOOT  
MYSELF! LIKE RIGHT NOW, I WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF, OR YOU!!! AND YOU  
ALWAYS MAKE A SMALL SITUATION INTO AN END OF THE WORLD KIND OF  
DEAL!!!!

K-  
IT'S NOT ALWAYS A SMALL SITUATION TO ME, EMMETT! YOU'RE ALWAYS MAKING  
MY PROBLEMS SEEM SMALL, BUT MAYBE THEY'RE ACTUALLY IMPORTANT TO ME!  
DO YOU REMEMBER ALL THAT POTTERY I MADE YOU 15 YEARS AGO, AND YOU  
PLAYED CATCH WITH THEM AND THEY BROKE? WHEN I TOLD YOU I WAS HURT  
YOU CALLED ME SOMETHING DEGRADING....YES, I STILL REMEMBER THAT, I HAD  
TO SPEND THE WEEK WITH TANYA AFTER THAT, I WAS SO HURT.

M-  
LIKE A SMALL SITUATION LIKE THOSE STUPID BARBIE SLUT STICKERS!!  
HONESTLY, EVERYTHING FOR YOU HAS TO BE OVER DRAMATIC BECAUSE YOU'RE  
A DRAMA QUEEN!!! BE A MAN FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE!! STOP ACTING LIKE A  
GIRL!!! AND THAT PIECE OF S*** POTTERY WAS THE FUGLIEST THING THAT I EVER  
SET MY EYES ON!! IT LOOKED LIKE A PIECE OF S***!!! LITERALLY!!! AT LEAST I  
HAD FUN PLAYING WITH THEM BUT THEN YOU CAME IN AND I COULDN'T RESIST  
THROWING THEM AT YOU!! WHY'D YOU HAVE TO WALK IN THE ROOM!? AND WHO  
SPENDS A WEEK OVER BROKEN POTTERY!? I'M SURE YOU WERE DOING TANYA  
THAT WHOLE TIME, YOU MAN WHORE!!

K-  
REALLY, EMMETT, NOTHING HAPPENED BETWEEN TANYA AND I! I AM REALLY  
INSULTED THAT YOU KEEP BRINGING IT UP, THOUGH I'VE ASKED YOU TO AVOID  
ON MORE THAN ONE OCCASION! AND IT WASN'T JUST MY POTTERY YOU'VE  
DESTROYED! MY SWEATERS, MY CD'S, MY LIFE.... JUST TO NAME A FEW!  
OH NO! I SHOULD NOT HAVE SAID THAT. FORGIVE ME, BROTHER! I AM A MONSTER,  
I SOMETIMES HAVE TROUBLE CONTAINING THESE VILE THOUGHTS! I DESERVE TO  
BE MAULED BY A THOUSAND RAVENOUS LIONS!!!

M-  
I HAVE NOT DESTROYED YOUR LIFE!! YOU DESTROYED MY LIFE! JEEZE, THE ONLY  
REASON WHY I LIKE TICKING YOU OFF IS TO SEE YOUR REACTION, BUT NOW  
BELLA HAS COME AROUND AND MADE YOU ALL CALM AND SH**!!! AND I KNOW  
WHAT YOU DID WITH TANYA!! I KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT!! STOP TRYING TO COVER  
UP THE TRUTH EDWARD WITH LIES!!

K-  
I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU EMMETT! YOU ARE MY BROTTTHER! I HAD HOPED  
MAYBE THAT FINDING THE LOVE OF MY EXISTENCE MAY HAVE MADE YOU HAPPY  
FOR ME! DON'T GO BLAMING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ISSUES ON MY ONE AND ONLY  
LOVE! I THINK THAT MAYBE YOU ARE AFRAID TO APPRECIATE ME BECAUSE YOU  
THINK I WILL LEAVE AGAIN!

M-  
WHATEVER MAN, GO F*** YOURSELF!!! I DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT YOU!! MA!??  
MA!?!?!? CAN YOU PLEASE TELL EDWARD TO LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE BEFORE I  
PUNCH HIM THROUGH THE WINDOW!?

K-  
MOTHER, I THINK EMMETT NEEDS SOME HELP. PERHAPS WE SHOULD CONSULT AN  
OLD EPISODE OF OPRAH FOR SOME GUIDANCE AND ADVICE! THAT WONDERFUL  
WOMAN KNOWS EVERYTHING!

M-  
~goes and destroys all the t.v's in the house~ WHAT DID YOU SAY EDWARD, I DIDN'T HEAR  
YOU!? MA, I'M GOING HUNTING!!! EDWARD, SO HELP ME GOD, IF YOU FOLLOW ME,  
I WILL KILL YOU!! ~stomps angrily down the stair so hard that his foot goes through a couple of the  
stairs~ IT'S TIME TO GET THE STAIRS FIXED MA!!!

K-  
MOTHER, NORMALLY I DON'T MIND WHEN EMMETT GOES HUNTING ALONE BUT I  
THINK YOU REALLY SHOULD FOLLOW HIM WHEN HE'S LIKE THIS! I FEAR FOR THE  
TREES! AND SOMEONE HAS TO MAKE SURE HE DOESN'T PLAY WITH HIS FOOD!

M-  
GO BITE MY ASS EDWARD!! ~slams the door so hard it flies off the hinges~ WE NEED A NEW  
DOOR TOO, MA!! ~takes the door and starts ripping it apart~ THIS IS YOUR HEAD,  
EDWARD!!! NOW YOU WANT TO COME DOWN HERE FOR A MINUTE, EDWARD!?

K-  
*not catching on to Emmett's malicious intent* IF YOU NEED ME TO OF COURSE I'LL COME,  
I'LL BE DOWN IMMEDIATELY AFTER I BID MY FAMILY A FAREWELL FOR THE DAY.  
YOU NEVER KNOW HOW LONG THESE HUNTING TRIPS MAY LAST, YOU KNOW. I  
MAY MISS A WHOLE DAY OF MY RADIANT WIFE AND MY ADORABLE DAUGHTER!  
AND PERHAPS I SHOULD BRING A CHANGE OF CLOTHES AND SOME CLEANING  
SUPPLIES FOR THE CAR. I DO NOT WISH TO SIT IN ANIMAL FILTH ALL THE WAY  
HOME. SHALL WE TAKE THE JEEP OR THE VOLVO? I THINK THE JEEP MAY BE BEST  
SUITED FOR OUR TRIP. SAY, WHERE EXACTLY ARE WE GOING FOR THIS,  
ANYWAYS?

M-  
~comes back into the house, looks up at Edward and then throws the remains, which is a lot, of the  
door at Edward as hard as he can and then stomps out of the house again~

K-  
THAT DOES NOT ANSWER MY QUESTION, EMMETT! I AM ONLY TRYING TO HELP,  
WHICH, BY THE WAY, WOULD BE A LOT EASIER IF LARGE CHUNKS OF WOOD WERE  
NOT FLYING AT MY FACE!

M-  
I WAS KIDDING YOU ANNOYING MORON!! I DON'T WANT TO GO HUNTING WITH  
YOU!! GO HUNTING WITH YOUR "PRECIOUS" BELLA!!!! ~starts running to the forest and  
starts ripping trees right out of the roots and throws the tree directly toward Edward's room~ ~the tree  
crashes through Edward's window~

K-  
NO RESPECT FOR MY THINGS!!! SEE MOTHER, THIS IS WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!  
NO RESPECT! HE DOESN'T MIND EXPLODING MY POTTERY, DISMANTLING MY  
ROOM... STEALING MY CLEANING SUPPLIES! SOMETHING MUST BE DONE! WE  
SHOULD CALL THAT NICE DOCTOR, WHAT'S HIS NAME, DOCTOR PHIL! HE ALWAYS  
KNOWS WHAT TO DO WITH SUCH UNRULY BEHAVIOR!

M-  
~keeps destroying trees and throwing them at Edward's room~

K-  
EMMETT, GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT SO WE CAN DISCUSS THIS LIKE THE  
MATURE CENTURY OLD BEINGS THAT WE ARE!

M-  
I'M NOT MOVING FROM THIS SPOT UNLESS YOU PERSONALLY COME HERE AND  
DRAG MY ASS BACK TOWARDS THE HOUSE!! ~keeps destroying the forest~

K-  
*zips down there and grabs him so fast he doesn't have time to respond and plops him down in a chair  
so that they can have a family meeting*  
YOU WERE SAYING?

M-  
THAT'S IT I'M GOING TO KICK YOUR ASS!! ~stands up so fast that the chair falls over and  
tackles Edward to the ground and starts hitting him and messing his hair up~ NOOGIE!!! NO MORE  
PERFECT HAIR NOW, EDWARD CULLEN!!

K-  
NO!!! I HAD EACH STRAND PERFECTLY IN PLACE! I SUPPOSE YOU WOULDN'T  
KNOW HOW HARD IT IS TO ACHIEVE A PERFECT WINDSWEPT LOOK, BUT LET ME  
TELL YOU, IT TOOK ME HOURS!!! HOURS, EMMETT! NOW BELLA WILL THINK I  
LOOK LIKE A HOMELESS MAN! WHERE'S MY HAT???

M-  
OH GREAT!!! SO NOW YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A F****** HOBO!? HERE!! ~takes  
one of his hats and staples it to his head~ LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE PUT HIS  
HAND ON ELECTRICITY!!! HMMM.. ~it suddenly starts lighting outside~ ~drags Edward outside  
and gets close enough to when the lighting shoots down, so he takes Edward's hand and sticks it in the  
electricity~ TAKE THAT, PRETTY BOY!!

K-  
EMMETT, I HARDLY THINK THAT THIS IS APPROPRIATE BEHAVIOR FOR SOMEONE  
WHO IS ALMOST 100 YEARS OLD! YOU CAN'T BE HAVING SUCH DISPLAYS OF  
IMMATURE BEHAVIOR AROUND MY LITTLE RENESME! SHE IS INCREDIBLY KIND  
AND WELL BEHAVED AND I DO NOT WISH TO SEE HER INFLUENCED BY YOUR  
DESPICABLE TEMPER!

M-  
YEAH, BUT DUDE, YOU SHOULD SEE YOUR HAIR RIGHT NOW!! IT LIKE EXPLODED  
AND LOOK! ~points to the ground~ THERE'S WHERE IT IS!! ~picks up a chunk of Edward's hair  
from the ground~ DUDE, YOUR HAT GOT BLOWN UP TOO, BUT THERE'S STILL PIECES  
OF IT!! YOU SHOULD SEE YOURSELF RIGHT NOW!!! HA HA HA HA HA!!! ~starts rolling  
on the ground from laughing so much~

K-  
OH MY... OH MY GOD!!!  
FORGIVE ME LORD FOR SAYING YOUR NAME IN VAIN. I KNOW I AM A MONSTER  
AND THAT I AM DESTINED FOR A ETERNITY OF FIRE AND MISERY, IF I SHALL EVER  
DIE!  
BUT GOOD HEAVENS, I'M BALD!  
EMMETT, MUST YOU ONLY LAUGH AT THE EXPENSE OF OTHERS???  
NO RESPECT!  
MOTHER!!!!!!!!!!!!  
M-  
HAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA  
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA HA HA HA!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH, IF ONLY BELLA SAW  
YOU!!!!!!!!! OH, YOU'RE GOING TO HELL ANYWAY, SO IT DOESN'T REALLY  
MATTER!!! HA HA!! YOUR HAIR IS KIND OF ON FIRE RIGHT NOW EDWARD.. ~laughs  
even harder~

K-  
OH NO, WHAT WILL MY DEAR BELLA SAY TO ME WHEN SHE SEES ME? HOW WILL  
SHE BRING HER SELF TO LOVE THE LOATHSOME CREATURE I AM IF SHE CANNOT  
BEAR TO LOOK AT ME??? FOR SURELY SHE WILL NOT BE ABLE TO SEE ME WITHOUT  
RELINQUISHING IN FEAR!!  
GOOD LORD, THERE IS STILL FIRE? EMMETT, IT IS IMPERATIVE THAT YOU PUT IT  
OUT THIS INSTANT! BEFORE WE ARE REDUCED TO A PILE OF ASHES!

M:  
AHEM, YOU!! DO YOU SEE A FIRE ON MY HEAD!? NOW, STOP MOVING AS*WIPE  
AND LET ME PUT OUT THE F****** FIRE!!! ~takes some of the slut Barbie stickers and starts  
sticking them to Edward's head~ WHY AREN'T THESE STICKERS WORKING, THEY SAID  
THAT THEY WEREN'T FLAMMABLE!?

K:  
EMMETT, ARE YOU REALLY AS THICKHEADED AS YOU APPEAR? JUST BECAUSE  
THEY AREN'T FLAMMABLE DOESN'T MAKE THEM FLAME RETARDANT!  
FORGIVE MY HARSH WORDS BUT I WAS NOT INTENDING TO DIE TODAY! I KNOW I  
AM BEING A SELFISH MONSTER, WISHING TO CLING TO MY LOWLY EXISTENCE,  
BUT I COULD NOT BEAR IT IF I COULD NEVER AGAIN SEE MY DARLING BELLA OR  
MY SWEET RENESME!

M-  
DO YOU WANT ME TO SET YOUR WHOLE BODY ON FIRE, BECAUSE I WILL!!! NOW,  
SHUT THE F*** UP!!! HMMM... OH, I KNOW!! STOP! DROP! AND ROLL!! TRY IT!!! IT  
GETS FIRES OFF!! ~pushes Edward on the ground~ HERE, TAKE SOME OF THESE. YOU  
CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE! ~sticks some more slut barbie stickers on Edward's head~ F***!!!  
THERE'S NO MORE!! YOU'RE GUNNA DIE! STOP! DROP! ROLL!!!

K-  
EMMETT STOP STICKING THOSE RIDICULOUS STICKERS ON MY HEAD, THEY'LL  
MELT THERE!  
*Manages to dunk head in the river in the back yard, and the flames go out*  
AND I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T STEAL THOSE STICKERS, EMMETT! WELL JUST GOES  
TO SHOW HOW MUCH I CAN TRUST YOUR HONESTY. I WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU,  
YOU KNOW!

M-  
DUDE, GET OVER THE F****** STICKERS!!! YOU WERE JUST ON FIRE!! AND ROSALIE  
IS IN A TREE WITH A CAM CORDER AND SHE TAPED ALL OF THIS!!! OH, NOW WE  
GOTTA SHOW BELLA!!! AND YOU MIGHT WANT TO WIPE THOSE MELTED STICKERS  
OFF YOUR FACE!! ~peels one of the stickers off of Edward's face that has a barbie doing  
innapporpriate things~ OH, LOVELY EDWARD!! BELLA AND .0000005 MEXICAN GIRL  
WILL LOVE THIS!!

K-  
*Is faster than Rosalie and Emmett and is able to destroy the entire cam corder including the tape*  
REALLY EMMETT, I CAN NOT BELIEVE YOUR HASTE TO INDUCE MY MISERY. AND  
GETTING ROSE TO GO ALONG WITH IT! MY SHAME FOR YOU IS DEEPER THAN THE  
OCEAN, EMMETT. THE OCEAN!!!

M-  
OH, DON'T WORRY EDWARD!! WE HAVE MULTIPLE CAM CORDERS ALL AROUND  
THE YARD. DON'T YOU WORRY. ~runs to a location that one of the cam corders were hiding~  
THANKS ROSE!!! ~dashes inside the house and grabs Bella and shows her the tape~

K-  
EMMETT, I BEG OF YOU, PLEASE STOP TRYING TO UNDERMINE MY HAPPY FAMILY!  
CAN'T YOU SEE THAT YOU UPSET THEM SO? WHY DO YOU DO THIS EMMETT? ARE  
YOU JEALOUS OF ALL THE ATTENTION I GIVE THEM? WE COULD ALWAYS GO ON A  
VACATION, JUST US TWO. I'VE HEARD THE ALPS ARE LOVELY THIS TIME OF YEAR!  
BELLA, MY LOVE, I HOPE THAT MY BALDNESS IN NO WAY WILL INTERFERE WITH  
OUR LOVE! MY HIDEOUSNESS IS IN NO WAY A REFLECTION OF MY FEELINGS FOR  
YOU!

M-  
WHAT, SO YOU COULD SEDUCE ME!? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO IN THE ALPS!?  
WAIT- DON'T ANSWER THAT QUESTION!!! HONESTLY EDWARD, I WAS TRYING TO  
GET A LITTLE HUMOR OUT OF YOU, BUT YOU'RE OBOUSIVELY TOO MUCH OF A  
GIRL TO HANDLE A LITTLE F****** FUN!!! NO WONDER YOU'RE SO BORING!!!

K-  
NO, I WAS THINKING MORE ALONG THE LINES OF HIKING AND HUNTING! AND WE  
COULD ALWAYS PLAY CATCH WITH THE FOOTBALL! DEAR ME, EMMETT, WHY  
WOULD I EVER TRY TO SEDUCE MY OWN BROTHER? AND WHEN I AM SO  
BLISSFULLY MARRIED TO MY ONE TRUE LOVE? PLUS IT IS COLD ENOUGH IN THE  
ALPS FOR ME TO WEAR A HAT WITHOUT LOOKING UTTERLY RIDICULOUS OR EVEN  
REMOTELY HOBO LIKE! BUT IF YOU'D RATHER WE COULD GO SOMEWHERE OF  
YOUR CHOOSING!

M-  
I'M NOT GOING ANYWHERE WITH A SEDUCING HOBO!!! YOU KNOW WHAT THEY  
SAY ABOUT THE ALPS. WHAT HAPPENS IN THE ALPS, STAYS IN THE ALPS!! AND  
YOU WOULD PROBABLY DO SOMETHING THAT WOULD PISS ME OFF AND THEN  
YOU'LL START GOING INTO YOUR F****** HISSY FITS, AS ALWAYS BECAUSE  
YOU'RE PERMANENTLY PMSING TEENAGE GIRL!!!

K-  
EMMETT, ALL I EVER TRY TO DO IS BE NICE TO YOU! I DO YOUR LAUNDRY! I CLEAN  
YOUR CAR! IF YOU WOULD STOP ANTAGONIZING ME FOR ABOUT FIVE SECONDS,  
PERHAPS I WOULDN'T NEED TO GET ANGRY! IF YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO THE  
ALPS, THEN FINE! I'VE HEARD NOTHING BUT LOVELY THINGS ABOUT AUSTRALIA!  
AND WE COULD LEARN TO PLAY RUGBY AND SPEAK WITH FUNNY ACCENTS!

M-  
FIRST OFF, I NEVER ASKED YOU TO DO MY LAUNDRY AND CLEAN MY CAR!!! YOU  
DID THAT ON YOUR OWN BECAUSE YOU DON'T HAVE A LIFE!!! AND STAY OUT OF  
MY CAR!! YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW WHAT'S IN THERE... HOW ABOUT THIS. YOU  
GO TO AUSTRALIA AND NEVER COME BACK!! OH, WOULDN'T THAT JUST BE SO  
MUCH FUN!! WE'D GET SOME PEACE AROUND HERE WITHOUT YOUR NAGGING  
ASS!!

K-  
WELL THE LAUNDRY AND YOUR CAR WEREN'T GOING TO CLEAN THEMSELVES,  
EMMETT! YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW MUCH GRIME AND FILTH GETS BETWEEN  
THE SEATS, EMMETT! WHAT IF I NEEDED TO USE THAT CAR TO GET BELLA OR  
RENESME TO SAFETY??? THEY WOULD BE INFECTED BY THE SWARMS OF  
BACTERIA IN THE BACKSEAT! OH, WHAT SHE WOULD THINK OF US IF SHE EVER  
SAW THE STATE OF THAT CAR WHEN I DIDN'T CLEAN IT!

M-  
HOW WOULD BELLA GET INFECTED!? SHE'S A F****** STRONG NEWBORN, YOU  
JACK***!!! AND HONESTLY, NOTHING EVER HAPPENS AROUND HERE, SO WHY  
WOULD THEY NEED MY CAR!?!? AND YOU ASK BEFORE YOU STEAL MY CAR,  
EDWARD!! GOD DAMNIT!! AND YOU THINK STEALING STICKERS IS A BIG ISSUE!!  
THAT'S MY F****** CAR!! THINK MAN!!! IT'S MINE!!

K-  
WELL SHE WASN'T ALWAYS AS STRONG AS SHE IS NOW, EMMETT! SHE WAS A  
DELICATE FLOWER! SHE NEEDED A CLEAN AND SAFE ENVIRONMENT! THESE  
PROTECTIVE INSTINCTS DIE HARD, YOU KNOW!  
AND I NEVER SAID I WOULD TAKE THE JEEP WITHOUT ASKING! HONESTLY,  
EMMETT, DO YOU THINK THAT I AM A HEATHEN?

M-  
OF COURSE I THINK YOU'RE A F****** "HEATHEN!!" YOU STOLE MY CAR, YOU  
B****!!!! HOW COULD YOU EDWARD!! I MEAN, HONESTLY. I WOULD THINK THAT  
YOU OUT OF ALL PEOPLE WOULD ASK ME BEFORE STEALING, BUT NO! YOU JUST  
HAD TO GO AND STEAL MY JEEP!!! WELL, NOW YOUR "DELICATE FLOWER" IS A  
THORNY ROSE!! SHE DOESN'T NEED PROTECTION!!!!! (couldn't help myself.. ~cough~ and  
knowing emmett, he obousively took it in a wrong way..) SHE DID WHEN SHE WAS A HUMAN,  
BECAUSE YOU JUST COULDN'T WAIT!!! YOU'RE AN IDIOT!!! ~slaps him on the side of the  
head~

K-  
FOR THE LAST TIME EMMETT, I DID NOT STEAL YOUR CAR! I HAVE FAR TOO MUCH  
RESPECT FOR YOU TO TAKE YOUR THINGS WITHOUT PERMISSION, UNLIKE SOME  
OTHERS I KNOW!  
AND FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, KEEP YOUR DEROGATORY THOUGHTS  
TO YOURSELF, PLEASE! YOUR LACK OF RESPECT FOR ME IS, QUITE FRANKLY,  
INSULTING!

M-  
WHATEVER MAN!! I'M PLAYING A F****** VIDEO GAME!!! AND NO, YOU CAN'T  
PLAY SO DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT!!!! ~starts the x-box 360 and waits for it to load~ OH  
COME ON YOU F****** GAME!!! LOAD FASTER MOTHER F*****!!!!! ~keeps waiting~  
YOU F****** F*****!!! I HATE YOU, YOU F****** B****!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE  
SUCH A F****** B****, B****!?

K-  
EMMETT, I MUST ASK YOU NOT TO SHOUT PROFANITIES AT THE TOP OF YOUR  
LUNGS. REALLY, I AM CONCERNED THAT VIOLENT VIDEO GAMES INVOKE THIS  
SORT OF BEHAVIOR IN YOU. NO, I DO NOT THINK IT IS COOL TO SHOOT ALIENS! I  
REALLY DO NOT THINK THIS IS THE TYPE OF GAME YOU SHOULD BE PLAYING! IF  
YOU MUST INSIST ON PLAYING THOSE WRETCHED VIDEO GAMES, THERE IS A  
RATHER DELIGHTFUL GAME THAT I KNOW OF CALLED MARIO! THAT PRINCESS  
PEACH IS SIMPLY ADORABLE!

M-  
YEAH, BUT HOT GIRLS DON'T BRING OUT THEIR TA-TA'S IN MARIO, NOW DO THEY!?  
BLOW ME, EDWARD!!! GET OUT OF MY F****** SPOT EDWARD!!! YOU KNOW THAT  
IS MY SPOT!!! IT SAYS MY NAME ON IT!! THAT IS MY F****** SPOT, YOU  
MAN*****!!!!!!

K-  
REALLY, EMMETT, I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT 'SPOT' YOU ARE REFERRING TO! AND I DO  
NOT SEE YOUR NAME ON THIS CHAIR! I BELIEVE THAT FATHER PURCHASED THIS  
CHAIR FOR ALL OF US, EMMETT! TO SHARE! MAYBE SHARING IS A VIRTUE YOU  
NEED TO BE A LITTLE MORE EDUCATED ON! YES, I AM IMPLYING THAT YOU CAN  
BE SELFISH! IT PAINS ME TO FEEL THIS WAY ABOUT YOU. BUT SHARING IS CARING,  
EMMETT!

M-  
GET OUT OF MY F****** SPOT MAN OR I WILL COME OVER THERE AND BEAT THE  
LIVING S*** OUT OF YOU!! GET YOUR A** OUT OF THAT CHAIR TO LOOK, EDWARD.  
ARE YOU LAZY!? I WILL THROW YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW AND MAKE YOU GO  
SAILING TOWARDS CHARLIE'S HOUSE. DON'T THINK I WON'T, EDWARD!! STOP  
LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT B****!! WHAT THE F*** ARE YOU LOOKING AT!?

K-  
WHY MUST I MOVE FROM WHERE I AM SITTING WHEN IT IS NOT EVEN NECESSARY  
FOR OUR KIND TO SIT IN THE FIRST PLACE? I WAS PERFECTLY HAPPY SITTING  
HERE READING ROMEO AND JULIET! I OFTEN READ IT BECAUSE IT REMINDS ME OF  
MY PRECIOUS BELLA.

M-  
GET THE F*** UP!!! EDWARD, HONESTLY, NO CHICK IN THEIR RIGHT MIND WOULD  
EVER LAY YOU IF YOU WERE READING THAT BULL****!!! I CAN'T SEE WHY BELLA  
WOULD EVER DO YOU!!! I BET DOING HER WOULD BE JUST AS BORING AS READING  
THAT F****** BOOK!!!

K-  
THIS BOOK IS A CLASSIC, EMMETT! A CLASSIC!!! IF YOU THINK IT IS BORING YOU  
MUST BE DEVOID OF ALL EMOTIONS! THIS BOOK IS VERY TOUCHING, EMMETT!  
THEIR LOVE IS EVERLASTING! IT'S SO SWEET! IF ONLY THEY HAD NOT KILLED  
THEMSELVES. IT REMINDS ME OF THAT MOST HORRIBLE TIME WHEN I THOUGHT  
BELLA WAS DEAD. I SHALL NEVER BE SO HASTY IN MY ASSUMPTIONS AGAIN! I AM  
SUCH A MONSTER!

M-  
I'M SURE YOU ARE BELLA WERE GETTING IT ON WHILE YOU WERE READING IT!!  
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME FINISH THIS PAGE!" AND BELLA WOULD BE PISSED AT YOU  
BECAUSE YOU WEREN'T PAYING ANY ATTENTION TO HER AND SHE WOULD BE  
LIKE "FORGET IT!!" AND YOU'D BE LIKE "I'M DONE WITH THIS PAGE!! PLEASE DON'T  
HATE ME BELLA, MY ONE TRUE LOVE!! I KNOW I AM A MONSTER AND I CAN SEE  
WHY YOU WOULD NEVER WANT TO DO ME!!!"  
GODDAMNIT, THIS STUPID F****** PICE OF S*** WON'T WORK. STOP GIVING ME  
THOSE LOOKS EDWARD!! WHY ARE YOU F****** STARING AT ME!? I KNOW YOU  
WANT TO DO ME AND S***, BUT I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND INTO GIRLS. NO I  
WILL NOT "CONVERT" MY SEXUALITY. I CHOOSE TO LIKE GIRLS. I CHOOSE NOT TO  
BE GAY, EDWARD!!

K-  
YOU KNOW I DO NOT WISH TO TALK OF MY LOVE FOR BELLA WITH YOU, EMMETT!  
IT IS PERSONAL AND I WOULD NEVER EXPLOIT BELLA BY TELLING YOU THESE  
THINGS! PLEASE CALM DOWN! AND I ASSURE YOU THAT I DO NOT BELIEVE YOU  
TO BE GAY! ALTHOUGH I PROMISE IF YOU WERE I WOULD BE WILLING TO ACCEPT  
YOU REGARDLESS! BUT I DO NOT THINK YOU ARE, FOR I BELIEVE DESPITE YOUR  
DESPICABLE BEHAVIOR YOU LOVE ROSE VERY MUCH!

M-  
I WAS SAYING THAT YOU MAY BE GAY, A******!!! DO YOU HONESTLY THINK I  
COULD EVER BE GAY!?!? I HAVE TOO MUCH FUN SCREWING FEMALES. OH WAIT,  
LIKE YOU WOULD KNOW BECAUSE YOU AND BELLA PROBABLY DO IT ONCE  
EVERY 5 MONTHS. WOW. SHE'LL GET BORED OF YOU EDWARD. AND THEN MOVE  
ON!!

K-  
BELLA AND I SHARE A VERY INTENSE EMOTIONAL LOVE, IF YOU MUST KNOW! WE  
WILL LOVE EACH OTHER FOR THE REST OF OUR ENDLESS EXISTENCES! SHE IS ALL  
THAT GIVES ME JOY IN THIS WORLD, WITH PERHAPS THE ACCEPTANCE OF MY  
DAUGHTER! I DO NOT DESERVE EITHER OF THEM, FOR THEY ARE FAR TOO GOOD  
FOR A HORRIBLE MONSTER LIKE MYSELF! BUT I LOVE THEM SO!  
M-  
OH, SHUT THE F*** UP AND GO KILL YOURSELF!!! HONESTLY, IF YOU WERE A REAL  
MAN, WHICH YOU'RE NOT, YOU'D BE TELLING ME ALL THESE GRAPHIC DETAILS!!  
BUT YOU DON'T, BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!! WHAT THE F*** IS WITH THIS X-BOX!? I'M  
GOING TO THE STORE TO GET A NEW ONE. AND GET BEER!! WE'RE RUNNING LOW  
ON BEER!!! MAN, I LOVE THAT STUFF.

K-  
REAL MEN HAVE RESPECT FOR THEIR WIVES, EMMETT!  
YOU HAVE NO RESPECT!  
NONE!!!!!!  
EMMETT, OF ALL THE DRINKS YOU COULD HAVE, WHY MUST YOU DRINK THAT  
VILE STUFF?? IT SMELLS LIKE A VOMIT EMMETT! VOMIT!!!  
EMMETT, ARE YOU SURE YOU WOULDN'T LIKE FATHER TO LOOK AT IT BEFORE  
YOU DECIDE TO SPEND MONEY ON A NEW ONE? IF WE THROW THIS AWAY WHILE  
IT IS STILL REPAIRABLE THEN IT WILL SIT IN A LANDFILL FOR GOD KNOWS HOW  
LONG. THINK OF THE ENVIRONMENT, EMMETT!

M-  
OH TRUST ME, I HAVE RESPECT FOR ROSE. I HAVE A LOT OF RESPECT FOR HER.  
AND THAT STUFF IS F****** DELICIOUS, OKAY!? JUST BECAUSE YOU CAN'T  
STOMACH IT BECAUSE YOU'RE GAY!!  
~ends up ripping it apart and throwing it out the window~ OH LOOK!! PROBLEM SOLVED!!  
BETTER GO GET A NEW ONE.

K-  
MY SEXUAL PREFERENCE HAS NOTHING TO DO FOR MY INTOLERANCE FOR  
HUMAN DRINKS AND FOOD! AND I WILL HAVE YOU KNOW THAT I AM INDEED  
STRAIGHT! I AM VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH MY WIFE, THANK YOU.  
EMMETT, I AM DEEPLY ASHAMED THAT YOU HAVE BECOME SO WASTEFUL!  
THOUGH WE DO NOT DEPEND ON THE EARTH TO LIVE WE HAVE A MORAL  
OBLIGATION TO TAKE CARE OF IT'S SPLENDORS! WHICH REMINDS ME, SINCE YOU  
INSIST ON DRINKING THAT  
DISGUSTING BEER I HAVE PURCHASED RECYCLING BINS FOR YOU TO DEPOSIT THE  
BOTTLES! KINDLY DON'T LEAVE THEM ON THE COFFEE TABLE ANYMORE, IT  
LEAVES THE MOST UNSIGHTLY RINGS FOR ME TO CLEAN UP!

M-  
YOU ARE TOO GAY!!THE FIRST STEP IS ADMITTING TO THE FACT THAT YOU ARE.  
COME OUT OF YOUR LITTLE SHELL EDWARD. IT'S OKAY. I WILL LAUGH AT YOU  
FOR BEING GAY, BUT YOU'RE MY MAN WHORE!! MAN WHORE'S FOR LIFE, HOMIE.  
AND MAN WHORES LET OTHER MAN WHORES LET THEM GET F***** UP AND  
WASTED OUTTA THEIR MINDS. YES EDWARD, I KNOW I HAVE ALL THOSE EMPTY  
KEGS ON THE LAWN. WELL, IT COULD BE A "HOBBY" OF MINE TO COLLECT EMPTY  
BEER KEGS. BY THE WAY, THE DELIVERY TRUCK SHOULD BE HERE AT ANY  
MOMENT TO DROP OFF SOME MORE. DUDE, LET'S GET WASTED!!!!!

K-  
I HAVE ALWAYS BEEN COMPLETELY OPEN AND HONEST WITH YOU, EMMETT! IF I  
WERE INDEED GAY, THAN I WOULD HAVE NO PROBLEM TELLING YOU. NOR COULD  
I EVER LIE TO MY POOR BELLA. SHE IS TOO BEAUTIFUL AND GOOD FOR ME TO BE A  
LIAR AND A MURDEROUS MONSTER AT THE SAME TIME! AND I DO NOT  
APPRECIATE YOU CALLING ME A MAN WHORE, EMMETT.  
EMMETT, YOU ARE MY BROTHER AND FOR THIS REASON I CANNOT LET YOU  
DRINK ANY MORE BEER. IT JUST ISN'T RIGHT! I CAN'T STAND TO SEE YOU, OR EVEN  
WORSE, YOUR MIND, WHEN YOU ARE DRUNK!  
BUT YOU ARE RIGHT, COLLECTING THINGS MAKES A WONDERFUL HOBBY! BUT  
INSTEAD, WE COULD COLLECT MORE CIVIL THINGS, LIKE COINS OR STAMPS! OR  
MAGNETS!

M-  
DUDE, YOU ARE SO F****** GAY!!!! NOBODY COLLECTS STAMPS UNLESS THEY'RE  
GAY, AND YOU ARE "INNDEED" GAY!!! LET'S BE HONEST, EDWARD!!! HONESTY IS  
IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND YOU NO BEING HONEST REALLY HURTS MY FEELINGS.  
ALRIGHT, TIME TO GO DRINK SOME BEER!!!  
(he would basically down a keg in like.0000000000000000005 seconds)  
MMMMMMHHMMM. THAT WAS DELECIOUS!!! BE A MAN, EDWARD!! C'MON, WE  
NEED TO BOND MORE. WHY DON'T WE BOND BY DRINKING BEER AND GETTING  
WASTED!! OR WE COULD PLAY BEER PONG!!! ROSE AND I PLAY ALL THE TIME, BUT  
INSTEAD OF USING BEER, WE USE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING, BUT I'M NOT INTO YOU  
MAN, SO I WON'T STRIP FOR YOU. I ONLY DO THAT WITH BABES EDWARD. SORRY.  
MAYBE IF YOU WERE A F****** HOT CHICK I WOULD, BUT OTHERWISE NO.

K-  
I PROMISE EMMETT, I HAVE NEVER LIED TO YOU! AND I REALLY DON'T THINK  
THAT YOU SHOULD DRINK THAT! IT IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU! AND YOU KNOW I  
WOULD LOVE TO BOND WITH YOU, BUT I THINK YOU MAY HAVE FORGOTTEN  
THAT EVERY BIT OF FOOD OR DRINK THAT IS MEANT TO BE CONSUMED BY  
HUMANS IS IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO DIGEST! WE COULD PLAY REGULAR PING  
PONG THOUGH! OH, HOW WONDERFUL! WE COULD BE JUST LIKE THOSE MEN IN  
FOREST GUMP!  
BUT I CANNOT CONDONE YOUR BEER DRINKING BEHAVIOR!

M-  
HA HA HA HA!! YOU'RE SILLY!! ~is obviously drunk~ OH EDWARD! ~hits hit hard in the face~  
YOU'RE SUCH A LITTLE KIDDER!! I LOVE YOU MAN!! YOU'RE MY HOME BOY!!  
~stumbles all over the place~ MAYBE ROSE WILL PLAY WITH ME!! ~stumbles some more~  
ROSE!? ROSE!?!?!?!? WE'RE PLAYING STRIP YOSELF PING-PONG!! ~starting undoing his  
belt and stumbles and falls to the ground~ OH, I'M GOING TO HAVE A BAD HANGOVER IN  
THE MORNING. I CAN ALREADY FEEL IT. EDWARD, YOU'RE SUCH A F****** GOOD  
BOY!! DON'T DRINK!! IT'S BAD FOR YOU!! BE ABOVE THE INFLUENCE!

K-  
EMMETT, WHY MUST YOU DO THIS TO YOURSELF?? OH DEAR...  
I'LL MAKE YOU SOME COFFEE BUT I DOUBT IT'LL HELP. SEE WHAT YOU DO TO  
YOURSELF??? AND YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP IT OFF! PERHAPS YOU SHOULD GO LIE  
DOWN ANYWAYS. ROSALIE WILL BRING YOU THE COFFEE WHEN IT'S DONE. IT  
KILLS HER TO SEE YOU LIKE THIS, YOU KNOW! NOW, KINDLY PUT YOUR PANTS  
BACK ON AND PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS.  
*mumbles about scrubbing rings off the coffee table and the uselessness/evils of drinking*

M-  
~gets up~HA HA HA HA HA!!!!!!!! YOU'RE SILLY. YOU'RE SILLY EDDIE!!! YOU SILIEST  
SILLY BOY. GIVE ME A HUG!! EDWARD, DAMNIT, GIVE ME A HUG! I AM YOUR  
BROTHER AND I WANT A HUG!! GET YOUR F****** A** BACK HERE AND GIVE ME A  
HUG!! ~stumbles and knocks over Edward with him~ I COULD USE A NAP. ~snuggles into  
Edward~ YOU'RE COMFY.

K-  
EMMETT YOU PRAT YOU CAN'T SLEEP! NOW I'M TRYING TO BE HELPFUL AND  
MAKE YOU COFFEE BUT I CAN'T DO THAT WHEN YOU'RE KNOCKING ME OVER!  
PLEASE GO UPSTAIRS AND LIE DOWN FOR A FEW HOURS. IF YOU WISH I WILL GIVE  
YOU YOUR HUG WHEN YOU ARE SOBER.

M-  
NO!! ME DON'T WANT TO HUG YOU WHEN I SOBER. ME WANT HUG NOW YOU  
B****!!! NO, I JUST KIDDING. I LOVE YOU. YOU MY FAVORITE BROTHER. WE  
HOMIES. WE TIGHT. AND HOMIES GIVE HOMIES HUGS!! GIVE ME HUG DAMNIT!! MY  
FAVOTIE BROTHER GIVE ME HUG!!

K-  
ALRIGHT, FINE, BUT AS LONG AS YOU PROMISE TO GO UPSTAIRS RIGHT AFTER,  
OKAY? AND PLEASE DON'T BREATHE WHEN YOU DO EITHER. YOU SMELL  
DISGUSTING AFTER YOU DRINK, EMMETT!

M-  
I THINK I SMELL LIKE ROSES, EDWARD!! ROSES!! AND I DON'T WANT A HUG FROM  
YOU ANYMORE!! YOU SUCK!! ~gets off him and wobbles to the front door and leaves~ I  
SMELL FINE!!!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SMELLS LIKE HORSE****!!! ~goes to the forest  
and starts climbing trees and falls out and lands on the ground~ AGAIN!! ~starts climbing another  
tree~

K-  
EMMETT, GET DOWN HERE BEFORE YOU BREAK THE ENVIRONMENT! HOW MANY  
TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU THAT THE EARTH IS PRECIOUS? WE MUST MAINTAIN IT,  
NOT DESTROY IT!

M-  
WOAH! NO WAY MISTER!! NO COMPRENDE TU! WELL, I COULD GIVE A RAT'S A**  
ABOUT OUR ENVIROMENT!! IT'S ALL GOING TO HELL ANYWAY, INCLUDING ME!!  
SO MIGHT AS WELL. THINK OF IT AS GETTING THE JOB DONE FASTER!! ~slips and  
grabs onto the tree but then ends up ripping it apart by trying to no fall to the ground, but he does  
anyway and so does the tree and it lands on him~ OW, I'M GUNNA NEED A FIRST AID.  
PRONTO! MA!!!!!!! MA!?!?!? WHERE THE HELL IS SHE!? ~sees a dead bunny~ OH, S***!!  
WELL, AT LEAST I HAVE DINNER NOW!! EDWARD, YOU WANT SOME?

K-  
EMMETT, HOW COULD YOU??? THAT WAS GOING TO BE OUR CHRISTMAS TREE!  
AND NO, I DO NOT WANT TO EAT THAT POOR BUNNY! I HUNTED 2 DAYS AGO,  
REMEMBER?

M-  
WELL, HERE THEN!!! ~picks up the tree and throws it at him~ AND THIS BUNNY IS MINE!!  
~runs off with the bunny~ ~a couple of minutes later, all you can hear is emmett screaming~ NO  
JASPER!!! IT'S MY DEAD BUNNY!! THIS IS RIGHTFULLY MINE, DAMNIT!! NO!! STOP  
IT!!!! DON'T!!! NO I DON'T WANT JUST THE HEAD!! I WANT THE WHOLE F******  
THING, DAMNIT!!!

K-  
*catches tree and gently places it on the ground* EMMETT, LOOK AT THIS! WE CAN'T USE  
THIS TREE NOW, EMMETT. IT IS RUINED! RUINED!!! ARE YOU EVEN LISTENING TO  
ME?

M-  
NO JASPER!!!! I DON'T WANT THE HEAD!!! GIMMIE THE BODY DAMNIT!! I'M NOT  
KIDDING!! THERE'S THOUSANDS OF BUNNIES RUNNING ALL OVER THE PLACE, AND  
BY TOMORROW THEY'LL GET  
IT ON AND HAVE MORE!!! SO LET GO OF THIS ONE!!! JASPER!! I MEAN IT!!!  
NOOOOO!! BUNNYYYYYYY!!! ~all you see is Emmett flying in the air, coming toward the house~  
HE PUNCHED ME!! HE F****** PUNCHED ME!! YOU OWE ME A F****** BUNNY,  
JASPER!!! THAT WAS MY LUNCH!!! I WAS HUNGRY!!!

K-  
EMMETT, WHY AREN'T YOU LISTENING TO ME??? WHEN YOU ARE TALKING TO ME I  
GIVE YOU MY COMPLETE ATTENTION, EMMETT! THE LEAST YOU CAN DO FOR ME  
IS GIVE ME YOURS! THE VERY LEAST! WHY DO YOU HAVE SO LITTLE RESPECT FOR  
ME, EMMETT? WHY?? HAVE I TREATED YOU POORLY? HAVE I DONE SOMETHING  
REPREHENSIBLE? BESIDES BEING A MONSTER?

M-  
~grabs him by the throat and lifts him up by one hand~ DO YOU KNOW WHY!? BECAUSE THAT  
F***ING F***ER JUST STOLE MY BUNNY AND LEFT ME JUST THE HEAD!! ~lifts the  
bunny's head with his other hand~ THAT'S WHY I'M NOT LISTENING TO YOU RIGHT NOW!!  
I'M A LITTLE HUNGRY EDWARD AND CRANKY BECAUSE HE STOLE MY FOOD WHEN  
THEY'RE THOUSANDS OF OTHER CREATURES AROUND THAT HE COULD EAT.  
COMPRENDE!?

K-  
EMMETT, YOUR BEHAVIOR IS ABSURD! JASPER WAS JUST PLAYING AROUND,  
EMMETT. PERHAPS YOU COULD GO GET ANOTHER BUNNY THAT YOU CLAIM THE  
FOREST IS SO ABUNDANT OF? OR MAYBE YOU  
COULD ASK JASPER NICELY TO GIVE YOURS BACK! BUT MUST YOU WAVE THAT IN  
MY FACE?  
EMMETT, PUT ME DOWN THIS INSTANT! I SHOULD NOT HAVE TO FEEL LIKE I AM  
DEALING WITH THE MIND OF A THREE YEAR OLD!

M-  
NO!! I WANTED THAT BUNNY!! I HAD A F****** GOOD FEELING THAT THAT WOULD  
BE THE MOST DELICIOUS BUNNY EVER AND NOW IT'S GONE!! ~throws him across the  
room, making him slam into a wall then storms out~ ~a couple of minutes later, he comes back with a  
bloody mouth and wipes the blood on Edward's shirt~ THERE! JASPER'S TAKEN CARE OF. HE  
REALLY HIT THE SPOT, IF YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN!!

K-  
EMMETT, HOW COULD YOU? THAT SHIRT WAS EXPENSIVE AND MADE OUT OF  
ENTIRELY RECYCLED MATERIALS! IT WAS ONE OF A KIND EMMETT! AND IT WAS  
MY FAVORITE! NO RESPECT FOR MY THINGS. NONE!  
MOTHER!  
I HATE TO TATTLE BUT SOMETHING MUST BE DONE!

M-  
THEN HERE!!! ~rips off Edward's shirt and keeps wiping his mouth~ THERE'S NOTHING YOU  
CAN DO WITH IT NOW, SO I MIGHT AS WELL KEEP CLEANING MY MOUTH WITH IT,  
Y'KNOW? SO I DON'T LOOK LIKE A SLOB FOR MY ROSE. UNLESS, OF COURSE, YOU  
WANT IT BACK?  
AND THEN YOU'LL LOOK LIKE A REAL HOBO, WITH YOUR HAIR AND ALL!!

K-  
EMMETT, I DEMAND YOU GO GET ME A NEW SHIRT AT ONCE! ACTUALLY, NOW  
THAT I THINK ABOUT IT, ALICE HAS BEEN DYING TO GO SHOPPING FOR SOME TIME  
NOW. WE COULD ALL GO TOGETHER, EMMETT! YOU COULD PICK UP A NICE  
OUTFIT TO TAKE ROSALIE OUT IN! OH, WHAT FUN! I SHALL GO GRAB THE KEYS TO  
THE VOLVO. CAN YOU GET ALICE FOR ME?

M-  
ABSOLUTELY NOT! I AM NOT GOING, AND THAT IS FINAL!!! ~5 minutes later~ I CAN'T  
BELIEVE I'M STUCK WITH YOU F****** GIRLS TO GO CHRISTMAS SHOPPING!! WE  
DON'T EVEN CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! WHY DO WE NEED ALL THIS S*** ANYWAY!?

K-  
WE DO TOO CELEBRATE CHRISTMAS! ESPECIALLY NOW THAT RENESME IS HERE!  
CHRISTMAS IS A JOYOUS TIME OF WONDER AND MAGIC FOR CHILDREN! AND  
EVEN WE CAN LEARN SOMETHING FROM THE CARING AND JOY THAT CHRISTMAS  
INSPIRES AMONG THE PEOPLE WHO CELEBRATE IT! CHRISTMAS IS A LOVELY  
HOLIDAY, EMMETT!

M-  
FINE!! SANTA DOESN'T EXIST. ALL PARENTS DO IS EAT THE COOKIES AND MILK  
THAT THE LITTLE KIDS LEAVE OUT FOR HIM!!  
BUT YOU'LL JUST END UP PROBABLY DITCHING THE COOKIES AND MILK  
SOMEWHERE! AND AS FOR THE PRESENTS!! LITTLE KIDS  
WANT ALL THESE TOYS, BUT DO THEY REALLY NEED THEM!? NO!!!! PARENTS JUST  
SPEND HUNDREDS OF DOLLARS SO THE KID WILL USE FOR A LITTLE WHILE, BUT  
THEN END UP THROWING THEM AWAY. YEAH, CHRISTMAS ROCKS!!!!

K-  
CHRISTMAS IS NOT ABOUT TOYS AND COOKIES, EMMETT! IT IS ABOUT THE BIRTH  
OF OUR LORD! JESUS DIED FOR MONSTERS LIKE MYSELF! RENESME  
UNDERSTANDS THIS! HOWEVER, IT IS NICE AS A PARENT TO INDULGE OUR  
CHILDREN JUST A LITTLE BIT ON SUCH A SPECIAL OCCASION! GIVING GIFTS TO  
OTHERS IS A KIND AND SELFLESS ACT, EMMETT! AND DID YOU SEE RENESME'S  
FACE WHEN WE GOT HER THAT LOCKET LAST YEAR? IT IS A SYMBOL OF HER  
MOTHER'S LOVE FOR HER EMMETT, AND IT MEANS THE WORLD TO HER! THEIR  
HAPPINESS IS ALL I CONTINUE TO EXIST FOR!

M-  
WE DON'T EVEN PRAISE THE LORD!!! YOU'RE RIGHT!!! WE ARE MONSTERS!! AND AS  
MONSTERS, WE SHOULDN'T BE CELEBRATING A DAY LIKE CHRISTMAS!!! AND HELL  
NO, I'M NOT SPENDING A PENNY ON YOUR A** TO GET YOU A NICE PRESENT!!  
YOU ALWAYS ARE YELLING AT ME AND MAKING ME FEEL LIKE S***!! WHY  
SHOULD I EVER GET A F****** PRESENT FOR YOUR F****** ASS!? YOU'VE BEEN  
NAUGHTY THIS YEAR, EDWARD!!! YOU GET COAL!! "SANTA'S" GIVING YOU COAL  
FOR CHRISTMAS!!

K-  
MAYBE YOU DON'T, EMMETT, BUT I CERTAINLY DO! JUST BECAUSE I'M SURE THAT I  
AM DOOMED TO SPEND MY AFTERLIFE IN A FIERY DUNGEON IN HELL DOESN'T  
MEAN THAT I NO LONGER HAVE FAITH IN MY LORD! AND IF YOU DO NOT WISH TO  
GET ME A GIFT THIS YEAR, THEN OF COURSE YOU DO NOT HAVE TO! I WOULD  
HATE IF ANYONE FELT AS IF THEY MUST GIVE ME A GIFT! THAT IS NOT THE POINT!  
IT IS SUPPOSED TO BE OUT OF THE GOODNESS OF YOUR HEART. AND THOUGH WE  
HAVE BEATING HEARTS NO LONGER, PERHAPS THERE IS ENOUGH DECENCY LEFT  
IN US THAT WE CAN MAKE THAT CHOICE!

M-  
YOU KNOW WHAT, SHUT THE F*** UP, HOW ABOUT THAT!? ~they get to the mall and start  
shopping around, well, except for Emmett, who is knocking over shelves of stuff~ OH MAN, DO I  
LOVEEEEEEEE CHRISTMAS!!! ~knocks over another shelf~ JUST SO MUCH FUN!!!! ~rips a  
teddy bear in half~ FUN FUN FUN!!!!!

K-  
EMMETT, PLEASE RESTRAIN YOURSELF, THOSE SECURITY GUARDS WILL TAKE YOU  
IN AND THAT'LL BE A RIGHT MESS FOR FATHER TO CLEAN UP! AND AFTER A LONG  
DAY AT WORK HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO COME HOME AND ENJOY A PEACEFUL  
EVENING WITH HIS WIFE!  
HERE, I NEED TO GO INTO THIS BOOKSTORE, I WISH TO PICK UP A COPY OF  
'BEEDLE THE BARD'. OH, I CAN HARDLY WAIT! THAT JOE ROWLING IS A  
WONDERFULLY TALENTED WOMAN! AND I ALSO  
WISH TO PURCHASE A CHRISTMAS STORY FOR MY DAUGHTER, FOR LAST YEAR WE  
DID NOT HAVE MUCH TIME FOR THE FESTIVITIES OF CHRISTMAS AND I WISH TO  
DO THIS PROPERLY FOR HER!

[THIS IS WHERE WE STARTED BRINGING OTHER CHARACTERS IN! JUST AS A  
REMINDER, M DOES EMMETT, ALICE, JASPER, CARLISLE, AND SMALL  
CHARACTERS LIKE SANTA, MIKE, AND VIOLET. K DOES EDWARD, ROSALIE,  
ESME, BELLA, AND RENESME. ]

M-  
CALL ME WHEN YOU STOP BEING SO GAY EDWARD!!! ~walks out of the store~  
ALICE: Wow. Somebody has a stick up their a**!!  
EMMETT: ~yells~ I heard that Alice!!  
ALICE: Come, Edward. Let's try to find you a nice outfit. The security guards are looking at you oddly  
because you have no shirt. I'm wondering why you don't have one either. Do I want to know?

K-  
*sigh* It's a long story *nods head back at Emmett*. I left in such haste that I forgot to put a new one  
on... I feel so exposed!

M-  
ALICE: ~takes off her sweater~ Here. ~hands it to Edward~  
EMMETT: ~comes running back and pulls out his phone and starts taking pictures of Edward with  
Alice's sweater~ OH, THESE ARE SOOOO GOING ON THE COMPUTER!!! I WONDER HOW  
MANY DIRTY THINGS I CAN DO WITH THIS PHOTO!! OH, FAN GIRLS WILL REALLY  
ATTACK YOU FOR LIFE!!!

K-  
EMMETT, KINDLY DO NOT TAKE PICTURES OF ME WHEN I AM IN THIS  
VULNERABLE STATE!  
Thanks, Alice, but I do not wish to stretch your sweater out. I can endure this until I get a new shirt of  
my own. And... *throws Alice puzzled look* What's a fan girl?

M-  
ALICE: I'm really not sure..  
EMMETT: ~keeps taking pictures of Edward then leaves~  
ALICE: ~stares off intently into space for a moment~ OH NO!!! EMMETT!!! WE HAVE TO GO,  
EDWARD!!!!

K-  
BUT ALICE, WE HAVEN'T GOTTEN MY SHIRT YET!  
*reads Alice's mind*  
OH DEAR! THAT IS MOST DISCONCERTING! YES, WE MUST GO!

**Hey Guys! I hope you enjoyed section one! I know the beginning is a little hard to follow but it should be much easier here on out. We also have a website, which has some really cool stuff, including pictures and whatnot. And there is also a neat section that explains most of the characters, since most of the characters are so different from the book (and as you read on, a few characters that weren't in the book at all). Check it out at http://twistedtwilight .webs .com/**

**Enjoy!**


	2. Chapter 2: Christmas With the Cullens

M-  
~they run over to the Santa display to find Emmett punching Santa~  
ALICE: Emmett!!! What are you doing!?  
EMMETT: WHAT DOES IT LOOK LIKE I'M DOING!? SANTA'S BEEN A BAD BOY THIS  
YEAR AND NEEDED TO BE TAUGHT A LESSON!!  
SANTA: Well, by golly, I never saw such a thing in my life!! You're not getting toys this year, little  
boy!!  
EMMETT: DO I LOOK LITTLE TO YOU, YOU A**HOLE!? HONESTLY, DOES IT LOOK  
LIKE I NEED TOYS!?  
SANTA: By golly, my ears!!  
EMMETT: SHUT THE F*** UP, SANTA!!

K-  
EMMETT! PLEASE LEAVE THIS POOR INNOCENT MAN BE! WHY, WHAT COULD'VE  
COMPELLED YOU TO DO SUCH A THING??? PLEASE GET OFF THE POOR SANTA  
BEFORE YOU SERIOUSLY HURT HIM!  
*to Santa* I am so very sorry, Sir. You see, my brother here has some ~anger issues~ at the moment.  
We've been trying to get him help, but he simply refuses.  
Alice, let's take him and leave. I'll come back for a shirt another day.  
I think we've had quite our fill of embarrassment for today.

M-  
EMMETT: NO, I'M NOT DONE TELLING SANTA WHAT I WANTED!! I DON'T WANT TO  
LEAVE!! ~punches him again~  
ALICE: Really Emmett!! Control yourself!! ~pulls Emmett off of Santa and shoves him towards  
Edward~ Be sure to get a firm grip on him. He'll launch himself at this poor man again. Here sir, let me  
help you up. ~offers her hand~  
SANTA ~gets up on his own~ F*** YOU ALL, YOU F***ING PEOPLE!! I QUIT!!! THIS IS A  
F***ING HORRIBLE JOB THAT MY 3RD EX-WIFE WANTED ME TO DO!!!! BUT IT  
F***ING SUCKS!! AND I GET PUNKS LIKE YOU! ~points to Emmett~  
EMMETT: ~struggles to try to break free of Edward but then gets out of his grip and launches himself  
again at Santa~ YOU. DID. NOT. JUST. CALL. ME. A. PUNK.  
SANTA: ~nose starts to bleed~  
EMMETT ~looks in disgust at the blood and gets off of Santa before he will really "attack" him~  
C'mon, let's go.

K-  
*Edward rants the whole way home*  
AND EMMETT, I SERIOUSLY CANNOT BELIEVE YOU! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED  
THAT MAN! WHAT IF YOU HADN'T BEEN ABLE TO RESIST THE BLOOD, HMMM?  
WHAT THEN? WE WOULD HAVE TO MOVE, EMMETT! AND TAKE MY POOR BELLA  
AWAY FROM HER FATHER! WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU EMMETT? YOU NEVER  
USED TO BE SO SELFISH! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER EVEN GOT MY SHIRT!  
Alice, I am so sorry, I shall make this shopping trip up with you, I promise!

M-  
ALICE: ~is bummed because she didn't blow thousands of dollars at the mall and is talking to herself~  
I could have gotten so many good outfits for everybody, and of course he has to ruin it. :(  
EMMETT: I TOLD YOU, YOU F******* PEOPLE, I DIDN'T WANT TO GO TO THE F******  
MALL!!! I HATE IT!! AND THAT SANTA WAS EVIL!!! EVIL!!!!! HE MADE ME SIT DOWN  
IN HIS LAP AND HE LAUGHED AT ME FOR WHAT I WANTED!! NONE OF THIS WAS  
MY F****** FAULT!!

K-  
WELL WHAT DID YOU TELL HIM YOU WANTED?  
SANTA IS JUST A JOLLY PERSON, YOU KNOW. HE LOVES TO LAUGH. IT'S HIS  
FAVORITE!

M-  
EMMETT: OH, YOU DON'T WANT TO KNOW...  
ALICE: Knowing him, it would probably be something absolutely disgusting or something stupid.  
EMMETT: ~grins and looks out the window~  
ALICE: Honestly, Emmett, what has been your problem lately? You've been acting like a total jerk.

K-  
No, really, You've sparked my interest. Please don't make me read your mind to get the answer. I wish  
to grant you as much privacy as I can, you know.  
Emmett, it pains me to feel this way about you but I fear I must agree with Alice. You have been quite  
bitter.

M-  
EMMETT: Fine. I'll tell you what I told him. Because you truely want to know. Because you need  
ideas on what to get Bella. ~tells them~  
ALICE: OH MY GOD EMMETT!!! YOU TOLD SANTA THAT!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? WHAT THE  
HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU!? ~hits him on the side of the head~  
EMMETT: WELL, HE WANTED TO KNOW!!!

K-  
DEAR LORD, EMMETT, YOU SAID THAT IN FRONT OF ALL THOSE CHILDREN?  
PLEASE, TELL US, WHAT HAS GOTTEN INTO YOU EMMETT? WE ARE YOUR FAMILY,  
WE ARE HERE FOR YOU! YOU CAN TELL US, EMMETT, WE WONT JUDGE!

M-  
EMMETT: NO, F*** YOU PEOPLE!! AND STAY OUT OF MY HEAD EDWARD!!! I JUST  
WANT BOTH OF YOU TO STAY OUT OF MY LIFE FOR GOOD! ~opens the door and jumps  
out of the car and starts running~  
ALICE: Really Emmett, get back in the car!! We're your family!! You can't get rid of us!!  
EMMETT: ~runs away from the car~ NO!!! F*** YOU PEOPLE!!!  
ALICE: ~sighs~ Should I get him, or do you want to?

K-  
Maybe you should get him this time. He seems particularly irritated with me lately. Again, I'm really  
sorry about this, Alice. I will make this up to you.

M-  
ALICE: All of those outfits I could have gotten for you Edward. They would have looked so good on  
you too. Trust me. Bella would have loved them. What a waste... ~opens up the door and jumps out of  
the car and starts running after Emmett~ EMMETT!!! Come back here!! This isn't necessary one bit!!  
Just tell us what's wrong!!  
EMMETT: ~starts running faster~  
ALICE: EMMETT!! Slow down!!  
~45 minutes later~  
ALICE: ~returns to the house~ I lost him. No track of his scent around. What should we do?

K-  
Are you sure you cannot see him in the future? You cannot see where he plans on going? If we find him  
we should take Jasper with us... We could use his calming influence.  
Perhaps we should get Carlisle. He is always so full of wisdom.

M-  
ALICE: I keep checking every 30 seconds, but he keeps moving. He is really mad Edward. About a  
half hour ago, he ripped many trees out. And before that, he went crazy and destroyed the Santa at the  
mall's house. Honestly, he's holding a major grudge against that man.

K-  
I do not understand this. He did not know this Santa previously, did he?  
*Groans*  
Oh, the poor trees. Thank heaven we live in Forks and the forest is well stocked, but still...  
We shall hold a family meeting after Carlisle gets home. Only I have no wish to sit next to Rosalie,  
okay?

M-  
ALICE: Yes. What this world is coming to is already very sad. Why not?

K-  
Because you KNOW she'll blame me or Bella for Emmett's disappearance. You KNOW! She just  
turns a blind eye where Emmett is concerned. It would help, though, if she would provide us with some  
insight to his mood swings.

M-  
ALICE: Yes. Very true. Wait- ~stares off for exactly 30 seconds~ He's changing his path again. Why  
is he at Charlie's? He's going through Bella's things and destroying them. Why would he ever do that?  
Edward, he basically just destroyed her whole room and stole some of the beer that was in the fridge.  
Wait- ~stares off again~ Now he left.

K-  
Oh no! We shall go over there and fix everything before Charlie gets home. It shouldn't take long. Or  
you could wait here, if you wish. And Perhaps I should pay Santa a visit, too. I feel absolutely dreadful  
about Emmett driving him to quit his job. Perhaps I can help him get a new one.  
M-  
ALICE: And a new home too. He just got home and is basically devastated. Emmett, why do you keep  
doing this!? Wait- he's spelling something out in the dirt. "Edward Cullen, you're the worst brother ever  
and you look like a hobo!" I think I know why he hates you so much. Connect it. He was in Bella's  
room and now he's writing this. He obviously jealous over Bella.

K-  
Why? He has ROSALIE, for heavens sake! Can we get to him in time? Or should we go help Charlie  
and Santa first?

M-  
ALICE: We should go- Wait! He's coming back here!!  
~1 minute later~  
EMMETT: ~comes in and stomps upstairs~  
ALICE: Emmett!!  
EMMETT: ~throws a lot of things at her~  
Alice: ~catches all the stuff and looks at it~ Clothes??? You went shopping!! Oh Edward, there's a  
shirt for you in here too!! Look!!!  
EMMETT: ~stomps to his room and takes his finger and carves into the door "leave me the hell  
alone"~

K-  
Oh, but, Emmett! I'm so touched! You thought of us?  
Please come out so I can thank you properly!  
We just want to talk, Emmett!

M-  
ALICE: Emmett, please come downstairs!! Please!! ~walks swiftly up the stair and reads Emmett's  
door~ Emmett, I'm coming in!! ~finds Emmett reading a dirty magazine on his couch~  
EMMETT: Leave me alone!! ~turns and faces the couch~  
ALICE: Emmett, that was nice!! We wanted to thank you properly instead of speaking to a door!!

K-  
Yes, Emmett, we just want to talk to you! We're very pleasantly surprised, you know!

M-  
EMMETT: JUST LEAVE ME THE F*** ALONE!! ESPECIALLY YOU EDWARD!! LEAVE ME  
HERE TO WALLOW IN MY MISERY!! ~throws the magazine at him~ AND GO AND READ  
THAT FOR BELLA!! SHE WOULD LOVE THOSE STRATAGIES. ROSE DOES.  
ALICE: Really Emmett, come out of your room and come spend time with us!! We were thinking of  
going somewhere where we could all enjoy of being a family.  
EMMETT: A strip club?  
ALICE: What? No!! We were thinking the park or something.  
EMMETT: THEN NO!! GET OUT!!

K-  
Emmett, what have I done to merit such anger on your behalf? I cannot think of anything that I have  
done wrong. Would you like to go hunting together? Or Camping? We could discuss it there if you  
wish!

M-  
EMMETT: I DON'T WANT TO GO OUT WITH YOU EDWARD CULLEN!!! MAYBE IF YOU  
WERE MORE OF A MAN AND DIDN'T PICK ON ME 24/7 AND QUIT BEING SUCH A  
MEANIE I WOULD!! BUT NO! AND STOP ACTING SO GAY WHILE YOU'RE AT IT!! IT'S  
EMBARRASSING!!! ~cell phone suddenly rings~  
ALICE: It's Mike.  
EMMETT: GET OUT!! ~answers phone~ Yo dude, what's up? YOU WANNA GO TO THE NEW  
STRIP CLUB!? HELL YEAH I'M IN!! YOU WANT ME TO PICK YOU UP!? OKAY. SEE  
YOU IN 15. ~hangs up~ NOW THERE'S A REAL MAN, EDWARD!!!

K-  
EMMETT, I AM SINCERELY SORRY IF MY WORDS EVER HARMED YOU! BUT PLEASE  
DO NOT CALL ME GAY JUST BECAUSE I HAVE FEELINGS! NOW I KNOW IT'S NOT MY  
BUSINESS BUT AS YOUR BROTHER I FEEL COMPELLED TO ASK YOU NOT TO GO  
THERE TONIGHT. I THINK ROSE FINDS IT OFFENSIVE THAT YOU WOULD RATHER BE  
WITH OTHER GIRLS! AND I DO NOT LIKE SEEING MY FAMILY MEMBERS HURT!

M-  
EMMETT: HOW ABOUT YOU STAY THE HELL OUT OF MY LIFE, AND I'LL STAY OUT  
OF YOUR LIFE!? I'M F****** GOING EDWARD!!! ~runs out of his room, goes into the garage  
and gets into his jeep and speeds towards Mike's house~  
ALICE: Oh my gosh! He's seriously gone off the deep end!!

K-  
Oh, but I can hear Carlisle coming home now. I hate to bother Father after a long day at work, but  
shall we call a family meeting? I am most concerned about Emmett's recent behavior.  
M-  
ALICE: Yes!! Edward, we must!! Something is seriously wrong with Emmett. We need to stop this  
now!  
CARLISLE: ~pulls into the garage, gets out and walks into the house~ I can see we need a new front  
door.. Hello family!! Hello my lovely wife!! ~kisses her~ How was everybody's day? I can see that the  
house is still standing.. ~sees the staircase where Emmett plowed his feet into the staircase~ Kind of.  
ALICE: Carlisle! ~flies down the stairs and quickly hugs Carlisle~ Welcome home!  
CARLISLE: Oh, thank you dear Alice. How was your day?  
ALICE: Well, you see, we need to have a family meeting.  
CARLISLE: Oh?

K-  
EDWARD: Well, you see Father, a certain member of the family is concerning us just a little... And we  
hate that it must come to this, but we feel we have no choice.

M-  
CARLISLE: ~nods~ Obviously something is troubling you. ~looks at Rosalie~ Rose, pray, tell me  
what you did? ~sits down on the couch~

K-  
ROSE: *scoffs* Well, thanks for automatically assuming it was ME! I actually have no idea who Alice  
and Edward are talking about. *throws them a nasty glare* Well, go on! Who are we talking about,  
here? And where's Emmett?? *glares harder at Edward* What have you done to him?? OH. MY.  
GOD. THIS IS ABOUT HIM, ISN'T IT?? HOW MANY TIMES HAVE I TOLD YOU TO GROW  
UP, EDWARD?  
EDWARD: Rose, yes, it is about Emmett, but please, can we talk this out calmly? *looks to family for  
help*

M-  
JASPER: Excuse me. Pardon. I'm having a horrible hair day, so sorry if my hair attacks you. ~sits  
down~  
CARLISLE: Rose, calm down. I did not mean to automatically assume anything, dearest. Forgive me if  
it sounded that way. I had no intentions of pointing you out. ~smilies at her~ Now please, will you not  
sit? ~gestures for her to sit down~

K-  
ROSE: *Glares at everybody for a moment longer, then grudgingly sits next to Carlisle, where she is  
able to completely ignore Edward. Plus, it puts her in perfect view of the closest mirror. She thinks she  
looks hot when she's angry.* Fine! What's this about then? Alice?

M-  
CARLISLE: ~shoots Jasper a look~  
JASPER: ~calms Rosalie down~  
ALICE: Well, for a little while now, Emmett has been acting rather strange. He is insulting many people,  
especially Bella, for which I don't know why. Today, he got into a fight with a man at the mall and  
almost exposed himself for what he truly is. Carlisle, we don't know what to do. We have tried to calm  
him down, but nothing is working. We turn to you for help.  
CARLISLE: ~thinks for half a second~ What seems to be the cause of this commotion?

K-  
EDWARD: Well, that's the problem-- We have no idea. Every time we ask him to talk he tells us to  
leave him alone! Or rips out the trees- which is also very concerning. It's all very confusing. I don't  
suppose anyone else would know, would they? *cough* Rose?  
ROSE: Well how would I know? If it's between you two than I do not see what I could possibly know  
about it!  
EDWARD: Well, someone must have SOME idea! I seriously doubt this all boils down to a cue ball  
and a bunny!

M-  
CARLISLE: How recent has he been doing these actions?  
ALICE: What would you say Edward? Probably a few days? Rose, did you and Em have a fight or  
something? That's the only logical reason I can come up with.

K-  
EDWARD: Oh, at least a few days. I have no Idea what happened. One minute I was asking about my  
Nickleback CD and the next he was throwing fully grown trees through my window!  
ROSE: *Turns her glare on Alice and turns defensive* Of course we haven't been fighting! What is  
there to fight about??? *throws a glance at the mirror when she is sure no one is looking*

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, Rose, peace. Pray, where is Emmett now? Surely he must be around.  
ALICE: Well, he's currently not here at the moment.  
CARLISLE: Oh? Is he about public now?  
ALICE: ~hesitates~ Y-yes..  
CARLISLE: What are his intentions?  
ALICE: I'd rather not say. ~shoots Edward a look and thinks: What should we tell him? Rose is here  
and she will be devastated if she knew where he was- what he's doing~  
CARLISLE: Surely it is not that bad.

K-  
EDWARD: *falters for about half a second, then:* Well, we aren't EXACTLY sure of his EXACT  
location at the moment. We know he went out with Mike Newton. *shoots his father a subtle look in  
hopes that he will not press the topic of Emmett's location farther. Rose misses the look due to her  
unbroken gaze into the mirror.*

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, Mike Newton, you say? The boy can be a troubling fellow sometimes. So they are  
probably at a game, or whatnot.  
ALICE: S-sure. A game! That's right!  
JASPER: ~can sense Alice's panicing and is puzzled~ Alice, what's wrong?  
ALICE: Nothing, I'm just worried about Emmett, is all.  
CARLISLE: Whatever is on your mind, you can tell.  
ALICE: ~thinks: EDWARD! WE MUST DO SOMETHING!!!! We have to get Emmett away from  
Mike Newton for 2 seconds and come to his senses. I fear that he will be lost forever!~  
CARLISLE: Well, when Emmett comes home, I'll surely do something about it.  
JASPER: I saw him earlier when he was leaving for Mike Newton's house. I got the very end of the  
conversation when I was coming home from hunting.  
ALICE: ~thinks: WE MUST STOP HIM FROM TALKING!!!~  
JASPER: So I followed him for a bit and-  
ALICE: ~launches herself at Jasper and tackles him to the ground~ Honey! I missed you all day!! I'm  
so glad that hunting was successful!!

K-  
EDWARD: *pretends to read Jasper's mind and finish Jasper's sentence* ... And he seemed pretty  
angry! Right, Jazz, this is what we've been talking about! We love Emmett but we can't help but be  
frightened by his weird behaviors, father.

M-  
JASPER: But that's not what I-  
ALICE: ~kisses him~ The next time you go hunting, may I please go? I missed you very much!  
JASPER: Yes, of course! ~smiles at her~  
ALICE: ~thinks: Thank god! That's taken care of.~  
CARLISLE: ~thinks: Edward, may we have a discussion later, just the two of us? I must know where  
my son is at this moment. I appreciate you and Alice sparing Rosalie's feeling~

K-  
EDWARD: *nods at his father* Carlisle, have you noticed any strange behavior on Emmet's part? I  
just do not understand where this anger is coming from-- tearing up trees, beating up Santa at the mall,  
destroying Bella's old room--  
BELLA: WHAT? When was this? Is Charlie okay???  
EDWARD: Sorry that I didn't tell you sooner, love, but it only just happened today. Charlie is fine.  
We're going to go clean it up before he gets home from work tonight, he'll never have to know. Don't  
fret, darling.

M-  
CARLISLE: I have noticed something particularly odd about him, but I thought it would just end as  
soon as it started. You needn't worry, son. I will handle Emmett. In the meantime, we shall clean up  
Bella's room and sincerely apologize to that poor man. One of us should stay here if Emmett shall  
return.  
ALICE: He should be home in about a couple of hours.  
CARLISLE: Which by then, I shall talk to him. Edward, son. Please. May I have a word with you?

K-  
EDWARD: Yes, father.

M-  
~they both run to a spot where the rest of them can't hear them~  
CARLISLE: Now son, I realize that Emmett is probably not at a game with Mike Newton? Am I  
correct?

K-  
EDWARD: *looks down at floor* Yes. He, er. Went to a ~facility~. With. Um. Girls in ~skimpy~  
clothes. Well, you get the picture. We didn't want to say so in front of Rose. But I can't shake the  
feeling that I'm responsible.

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh? Oh!! Oh my. Well, I can imagine why you would never say that to Rosalie. Son,  
surely his doings do not reflect the reasons why he is doing it. Why would you ever feel that way? You  
have a good head on those shoulders, Edward. Do not let anybody tell you otherwise.

K-  
EDWARD: Well, yes, it's just that all of his anger seems to be guided at me. Speaking of which, We're  
going to have to replace the window in my room. It too has become a victim of Emmett's angry  
impulses. I just don't understand why he's been acting so odd. Maybe I should have taped Oprah for  
him, and that would have made it better... She's a wonderful woman, that Oprah!

M-  
CARLISLE: Indeed! Esme and I watched a couple episodes ourselves and fell in love. Anyway, I will  
definitely have a discussion with him tonight in which it will be the two of us. I do apologize, but I do not  
want to lose a son because my other son can sometimes be foolish. ~puts his arm around Edward~  
Thank you for telling me son. I know this must be hard for you. I cannot imagine what a struggle it is for  
you to try to make amends with your brother.

K-  
EDWARD: Yes, father. These last few days have been very difficult. Perhaps we can all go on a family  
camping trip when Emmett gets back so we can further bond as a family. Or we could start a band! I  
think Emmett would be marvelous with the drums, he's always banging stuff around anyways. And I  
could play piano and Jasper could play the guitar and Alice could do vocals. And you could be our  
manager! Oh what fun! *rushes off to compose music*

M-  
CARLISLE: Okay then? I guess our conversation is done...?  
~back at the house~  
ALICE: Emmett is coming home right now.  
CARLISLE: We really do need a front door here. Oh? Is he? Marvelous. Now I shall have a  
discussion with him.

K-  
EDWARD: *reappears, frustrated.* I CAN'T GET THESE CHORDS RIGHT! I suppose I shall try  
later. Oh, good, Emmett's home!

M-  
EMMETT ~comes in silently with a bunch of stuff and thinks: I didn't go to the strip club Edward, so  
don't you dare judge me~  
CARLISLE: Wonderful! Emmett, you're home. I hope you had a good day.  
EMMETT: ~doesn't look at him or anybody but stares at his feet~  
ALICE: ~thinks: Emmett? Is he okay? He's not acting like his normal self~  
CARLISLE: Emmett, I hope in a couple minutes, we can have a conversation. So you can put your  
things away.  
EMMETT: ~nods and walks up the stairs~

K-  
EDWARD: *shoots Alice bewildered look*  
Well, that was exceptionally odd...  
What was all that stuff?

M-  
Alice: Christmas presents. More of them. He's about to put them away in his closet right now. Jasper,  
are you keeping him calm?  
Jasper: No! I had no part in this.  
Alice: This is incredibly odd.  
Emmett: ~Walks down the stairs and says in a real quiet voice~ I'm ready.  
Carlisle: ~nods~ Family, we will be back in a half an hour. I hope everything here remains peaceful.  
~they both run off so nobody can hear them~  
Carlisle: So Emmett, there has been some issues that have risen, am I correct?  
Emmett: Yes. ~basically loses his cool~ EDWARD'S BEING A TOTAL JACKASS AND WON'T  
ADMIT THAT HE'S THE WORST BROTHER EVER AND THAT HE'S GAY!!!  
Carlisle: oh my, maybe we should have brought Jasper along..

K-  
~back at the house~  
Edward: Alice, I'm deeply disconcerted by his recent level of cooperation. For some reason it was a lot  
less concerning to have my hair on fire or have degrading stickers plastered to my head...  
THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I AM SUCH A MONSTER! I DESERVE NO LESS THAN AN  
ETERNITY OF LISTENING TO WHINY 70's PROTEST SONGS!!!  
M-  
~a couple of minutes later~  
CARLISLE: ~mouth is hanging open~ W-well. Oh my. Such colorful language, Emmett.  
EMMETT: Well, now you know what's been pissing me off! I'm sorry Carlisle, but I think Rose and I  
need to get away for a little while. Just the two of us, you know?  
CARLISLE: Emmett, I do not know how to exactly say this.. but Edward said where you were tonight.  
EMMETT: Oh, that new strip club?  
CARLISLE: Yes.  
EMMETT: I wasn't there. I was shopping.  
CARLISLE: You? Shopping?  
EMMETT: YES, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT!?!?!?!?  
CARLISLE: N-no! But of course not! Emmett.. ~puts his arm around his shoulder~ You are my son  
and I accept you for who you are. Understand?  
EMMETT: Yes, sorry. I'm trying to work on that anger thing. So can Rose and I go away for a little  
while?  
CARLISLE: Of course. But maybe consider going on a family camping trip first?  
EMMETT: I don't know. EDWARD'S A F****** DOUCHE AND-  
CARLISLE: Em. Deep breaths.  
EMMETT: Right. Sorry. ~breaths~ He's just been under my skin lately about numerous things.  
CARLISLE: I will assure you that Edward will not get under your skin. Okay? I just want the family to  
be together.  
EMMETT: Sure. I can avoid Edward.  
CARLISLE: Exactly! You can spend time with Rose. I know that she has missed you lately.  
EMMETT: Yes..

K-  
EDWARD: *still ranting* I AM A HORRIBLE BROTHER! HORRIBLE! I THINK I SHALL JUST  
RUN OVER TO CHARLIE'S TO CLEAN UP AND FURTHER REFLECT UPON MY  
MISDEEDS! I'LL GO GRAB THE CLEANING SUPPLIES AND BE ON MY WAY! *runs off in  
search of cleaning supplies, still seething about his horribleness*

M-  
ALICE: Now he realizes it. After the houses are destroyed.  
JASPER: Better late than never, I suppose.  
ALICE: ~notices Bella still on the couch~ Bella, are you okay? ~skips over to her and sits down on the  
couch~

K-  
BELLA: Yeah, I'm fine. Really. I just don't like seeing them fight like this. Do you think I should go help  
him? Clean up Charlie's place, I mean.

M-  
ALICE: ~hugs her lightly~ Everything will be fine. Emmett's just going through a phase. He's already  
starting to settle down! And I think we should go to Charlie's house to clean up before he gets home.  
~Carlisle and Emmett get back~  
EMMETT: Rose? Where's Rose?

K-  
ROSE: I'm here! Did you miss me today?

M-  
EMMETT: Yes! And close your eyes.~hugs her very tightly~ Follow me. ~grabs her by the hand and  
guides her towards his room~  
ALICE: Gross Emmett. I don't think wether I should be happy because you got her a gift, or disturbed.  
EMMETT: ~opens the door to her room~ Okay, open your eyes!  
~on his couch, there's dirty stuff on it (I'll leave your imagination up to that)~ You like it??

K-  
ROSE: Well, it's very... special. It's very ~thoughtful~. *smiles (I know you're all shocked that she is  
capable of such an expression)* Thank you, Emmett.

M-  
EMMETT: Just to show my love for you. ~thinks: And Edward thinks I can't be romantic. Hah! By the  
way YOU SUCK EDWARD~ ~kisses her~  
ALICE: ~knocks lightly on the door and looks down on the ground~ OH, MY EYES!! ~closes her  
eyes and tries to walk away but ends up slamming into the door and falling over~  
JASPER: What did you give Rose? ~sees the presents and closes his eyes~ OH, MY EYES!! ~slams  
into the door and falls onto Alice~

K-  
EDWARD: *realizes that Emmett is home and runs down to see him, taking no notice of Jasper, Alice,  
or Rosalie's *ahem* gifts on the floor*  
OH DEAR BROTHER, HOW I MISSED YOU! I AM SO VERY SORRY FOR ALL THE PAIN  
THAT I HAVE CAUSED YOU! I BEG FOR YOUR FORGIVENESS, THOUGH A MONSTER  
LIKE MYSELF DOESN'T DESERVE IT!  
*Hugs Emmett really tightly.*  
*finally notices Alice and Jasper on the floor*  
Alice, why on earth are you on the floor? *reaches to help her up*

M-  
ALICE/JASPER: ~they both get up and run off saying things like "scared for life" and "dear lord, help  
me!"~  
EMMETT: GET. OFF. ME.  
CARLISLE: Emmett..  
EMMETT: ~tries to hug him but ends up pushing his face away and elbowing him in the ribs~

K-  
EDWARD: OF COURSE I SHOULD HAVE KNOWN YOU WOULDN'T FORGIVE ME! BUT I  
DON'T BLAME YOU! I AM A MONSTER! A MONSTER!!! I SHALL GO LOCK MYSELF IN  
MY CABIN TO THINK ABOUT MY HORRIBLE ACTIONS!

M-  
EMMETT ~is talking to Rosalie~ He obviously doesn't understand that that's how I give hugs right?  
Well, at least to guys anyway. Oh well. You go wallow while Rose and I uh.. ~coughs~ take care of  
some things.

K-  
EDWARD: FINE! I'LL BE GOING THEN! SORRY FOR BEING A BURDEN TO YOU BOTH!

M-  
(I'd rather skip this next scene if you don't mind. Stupid Emmett!!)  
~later~  
EMMETT: So, do you know when we're supposed to be going on this hunting trip, Rose?

K-  
ROSE: Oh, who even cares? I just came back from hunting 3 days ago, this is SO stupid!

M-  
EMMETT: I know. I suggested to Carlisle that we should take a trip of our own. Just the two of us.  
Get away from everything. ESPECIALLY Edward.

K-  
ROSE: That would be wonderful! I haven't been able to see much of you lately. More importantly you  
haven't seen much of me! What did Carlisle say?

M-  
EMMETT He said yes. But-

K-  
ROSE: But WHAT, Emmett?

M-  
EMMETT: He wants us to go on the hunting trip. We could just avoid everyone and stay in the tent in  
the whole time. But you know how Edward will get..

K-  
ROSE: BUT THAT'S SO STUPID! WHAT'S THE POINT OF GOING IF WE AREN'T EVEN  
GOING TO BE WITH ANYONE? DOES THIS MEAN I'M GOING TO HAVE TO STAY IN  
THE SAME TENT AS BELLA? BECAUSE I COULD SERIOUSLY JUST DIE AGAIN,  
EMMETT!

M-  
EMMETT: Of course not Rose. ~smilies at her and starts to play with a piece of her hair~ We can  
share a tent. Everything will be fine.

K-  
ROSE: *still whining* I just realllllly don't want to go! How long will we have to be stuck there,  
anyways?

M-  
EMMETT: Just a couple of days and I promise as soon as it's over, we can leave. ~starts rubbing her  
hand~  
~Carlisle's voice suddenly fills the house~  
CARLISLE: Alright family, in 15 minutes, we're leaving for our family fun hunting trip!  
EMMETT: Great. ~rolls eyes~ Do you need help packing?

K-  
ROSE: Ugh. Fine. You know what? I don't care. Whatever.  
*grabs suitcase and starts throwing junk in*

M-  
EMMETT: Rose. ~has not let go of her hand~

K-  
ROSE: WHAT, Emmet?

M-  
EMMETT: ~pulls her in and hugs her~ You look beautiful. ~smiles and starts to pack his stuff up too~

K-  
ROSE: *smiles* Tell me something I didn't already know!  
M-  
EMMETT: ~laughs~ Just wanted to let you know.  
~a few minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~is downstairs with all of his stuff packed~  
JASPER: I'm telling you Alice, you don't need that many clothes.  
ALICE: But I want to change my outfit for every hour!  
JASPER: You look fine!  
CARLISLE: Is everybody ready?

K-  
EDWARD: Just a minute, I can't seem to fit all these dresses into Renesme's bag! Bella, Dearest, will  
you please assist me?  
*Bella and Edward struggle to zip Renesme's backpack*

ESME: *beams* This is SO exciting. How lovely to have to whole family together! Wouldn't you  
agree, Emmett?

M-  
EMMETT: ~has his arms crossed and doesn't answer~  
ALICE: ~elbows him in the ribs~ Whoops. Sorry.  
EMMETT: I'm sure. Whatever, let's just get this over with. And dummies! ~is talking to Edward and  
Bella~ Let me help. Hi Renesme, how are you? Are you excited about the hunting trip?

K-  
RENESME: *reaches out for Emmett's cheek*

M-  
EMMETT: ~lets her touch his face~

K-  
RENESME: *shows memory of Bunny, as this is her only memory of him hunting*

M-  
EMMETT: ~quickly takes her hand off his face and then grabs Jasper by the collar and drags him  
outside~  
~all they hear is some trees smashing into the forest~  
EMMETT: THAT'S FOR TAKING MY F****** BUNNY, A******!!!!!! YOU F***ING  
F***ER!!!! ~comes back inside the house~ Okay. I'm ready to go.

~a couple of minutes later they arrive at their "campsite" and see tents marked "boys" and "girls"~  
EMMETT: No. CARLISLE!!! NO!!! NO F***ING WAY!!!  
CARLISLE: I'm sorry Emmett, but I don't want any adultury going on for the next 48 hours.  
EMMETT: YOU HAVE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME!!!!!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT, YOU PROMISED!!!  
ESME: But Rose, just think of it as a giant slumber party! We will have such fun! We could play dress  
up with Renesme and swap stories all night!

M-  
EMMETT: Rose and I will be right back. ~takes her by the hand~  
~a few minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~comes back and is buttoning up his shirt ~ Man, this sucks man!! CARLISLE!!!  
CARLISLE: Emmett! You are not setting a good example for the youngins!  
EMMETT: ~comes close to him and whispers to him~ Do you think I'll be able to survive 48 hours of  
tortuous hell and then to top it all off- no s*x?

K-  
ESME: Children, please be respectful of your father. We all came out here to have some fun, so let's  
have some fun, alright?  
EDWARD: I know just what you mean, mother! *pulls out guitar*  
WHO'S UP FOR SINGALONGS???  
?When I find myself in times of trouble,  
Mother Mary comes to me  
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be.  
And in my hour of darkness  
She is standing right in front of me,  
Speaking words of wisdom, let it be!!!!'  
EVERYBODY NOW!

M-  
EMMETT: Carlisle!! YOU'RE PERSONALLY TRYING TO KILL ME!!  
CARLISLE: No, Emmett. We need some bonding time. All of us.  
EMMETT: But I want to bond with Rose! Only Rose!! Like for a very long time I would like to bond  
with her. I think we should go bond now. Rose- ~grabs her hand~  
CARLISLE: ~puts a hand on Emmett's shoulder~ No, Emmett. You heard what I said.  
EMMETT: You have to realize that for the past many years, Rose and I have not gone a day without  
S*x. And now you're laying this bulls*** on me!?  
CARLISLE: Well, we all make changes.  
EMMETT: I don't like changes!!! Especially to this!!  
CARLISLE: Emmett, please. Try to be good.

K-  
EDWARD: *still singing*  
'So we sailed up to the sun  
till we found the sea of green,  
and we lived beneath the waves,  
in our yellow submarine.  
We all live in the yellow submarine,  
yellow submarine.'  
*only Esme and Renesme are singing along*  
ROSE: *stomps into tent in a huff*

M-  
EMMETT: ~stomps off angrily in the same direction as Rose~  
CARLISLE: ~catches him before he reaches the tent~ Emmett.  
EMMETT: Carlisle, at least let me talk to her!  
CARLISLE: Fine. ~lets him go~  
EMMETT: ~goes inside the tent~ THIS SUCKS!!! ~sits down on the inflatable mattress~

K-  
ROSE: I know! What are we supposed to do all weekend? There aren't even any mirrors here! And  
this whole area reeks! *pouts*

M-  
EMMETT: Not to mention that we can't have any s*x!!! I'm seriously going to strangle Edward and  
throw him into that campfire.

K-  
ROSE: I know, hun. *rests head on shoulder*  
*Sounds of Edwards guitar are not completely blocked by the tent walls, and Rosalie groans as  
Edward starts leading the family in 'this little light of mine'*  
This is going to be a long weekend...  
M-

Emmett: Maybe if we snuck off for a little while, they wouldn't notice. They're way too into this family  
bonding hunting trip.

K-  
ROSE: I doubt it... I can't believe Carlisle even let you into the 'girls tent'. Maybe we should head back  
out... Before Carlisle starts looking for us.  
*groans again*

M-  
EMMETT Wait. I doubt we'll be able to do this this weekend. ~kisses her~  
CARLISLE: ~opens up the tent and grabs Emmett by the shoulders and leads him out~ Okay, enough  
time with Rosalie.  
EMMETT: ~crosses his arms~

K-  
ROSE: *sighs but gets up*  
What are Alice and Jasper doing to pass the time?

M-  
CARLISLE: Alice and Jasper are swimming in the river.  
EMMETT: Pssshh. Please. They're probably f***ing but nobody knows it.  
CARLISLE: Emmett. ~says in a warning tone~  
EMMETT : Whatever. I'm just sayin'. I'm gunna go to the river too. It will get me away from that crazy  
one! ~points to Edward and starts walking to the river~

K-

ESME: Oh, are we all going to the river?? That sounds like so much fun! Not that your singing isn't  
lovely, Edward, dear. But it sounds like a wonderful idea! Let's all go!

M-  
EMMETT: Change of plans. I'm staying here. ~goes inside the "boys" tent~  
CARLISLE: Let's just leave him be for a little while. ~takes Esme's hand~  
~they all go to the river, except of course, Emmett~

K-  
EDWARD: *holding Renesme, looking out at the edge of the water with a nervous expression*  
ROSE: What's WITH you? Just get in already!  
EDWARD: Well, it's just that Renesme has never been swimming before! What if she were to drown?  
Or if something wild came and bit her?  
I COULD NOT BEAR IT IF MY ONLY CHILD WERE TO BE HARMED IN ANY WAY!

M-  
ALICE: Edward, just gently put her in then. No need to fret over it.  
JASPER: ~calms Edward down~  
ALICE: Thank you, Jasper.

K-  
EDWARD: *slowly moves in about knee deep and gently puts Renesme in*  
BELLA: *wades in to hold Renesme's hands as she walks through the water*  
ROSE: *rolls eyes and does a cannonball into the water, causing a tidal wave to wash over Edward,  
Bella, and Renesme*  
EDWARD: DARN YOU ROSE, CAN'T YOU SEE MY CHILD'S LIFE IS AT STAKE HERE???  
ROSE: YEAH, I'M SURE THIS IS ALL TO DO WITH RENESME AND NOTHING TO DO  
WITH THE FACT THAT I GOT YOUR PRECIOUS HAIR WET. OH, WAIT, THAT'S RIGHT!  
YOU DON'T HAVE ANY HAIR! BECAUSE YOU'RE BALD!!!

M-  
Emmett: ~gets bored so he gets out of the tent and takes off his shirt and pants (he has boxers on, don't  
worry!!) and runs really fast and when he reaches the river, he jumps up really high and makes a huge  
tidal wave~

K-  
EDWARD: YOU GUYS, HAVE YOU NO HEART? MY POOR INNOCENT CHILD MAY  
DROWN BECAUSE OF YOUR CARELESS BEHAVIOR! HOW CAN SHE LEARN TO SWIM  
WHEN SHE IS CONSTANTLY AMBUSHED WITH WAVES OF WATER???  
M-  
Emmett: ~laughs and splashes water at Edward~ Calm down, mom. Jeesh, you're no fun at all. Live a  
little.

K-  
EDWARD: LIVE A LITTLE? IS THAT A CRUEL JOKE???  
AND I WAS HAVING FUN! TEACHING MY DAUGHTER TO SWIM!  
BELLA: *taps Edward on the shoulder* Edward, calm down. Look!

*They all turn to see Renesme doing a perfect backstroke. Well, she always was a quick learner...*  
EDWARD: *gasps* WHERE'S THE CAMERA??? I NEED TO DOCUMENT THIS FOR MY  
SCRAPBOOK!!! MY LITTLE GIRL, SWIMMING! ALL BY HERSELF! DADDY'S PROUD  
SWEETIE! SO VERY PROUD!!!

M-  
ALICE: ~can see what Emmett is about to do~ Emmett, calm down..  
EMMETT: CALM DOWN!?!?!?!? ~picks Edward up and throws him flying to the trees, knocking  
down quite a few~  
CARLISLE: Emmett! Where is Jasper!?  
JASPER: ~is too busy having fun swimming underwater to notice~  
EMMETT: F*** YOU ALL, EXCEPT ROSE!!! ~storms off angrily~  
CARLISLE: Wait, Emmett!

K-  
EDWARD: *returns from forest pulling twigs from his hair*  
FATHER. I CANNOT SHARE A TENT WITH THIS MAN TONIGHT! I REFUSE! HE IS A  
BULLY AND HE STEALS MY THINGS AND HE REFUSES TO EVEN ATTEMPT TO GET  
ALONG! NO RESPECT!

M-

EMMETT: ~hears him and shouts from a distance~ TOO F***ING BAD EDWARD!!! BECAUSE  
I'M NOT COMING BACK TO THIS STUPID FAMILY BONDING HUNTING TRIP!!!  
CARLISLE: ~sighs~ Rose, will you please go talk to him? I think you are the only one who can  
actually talk to him without anybody being severly hurt.

K-  
ROSE: I'll try, but I don't see what good it'll do, seeing as I want to be here just as much as he does.  
*Runs after Emmett anyways*  
EMMETT!

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, how are you son?  
~meanwhile~  
EMMETT: ~was in a tree but jumps down when he sees Rosalie coming~ I HATE THEM, ROSE!!! I  
CAN'T STAND THEM!! I WOULD RATHER GNAW OFF MY OWN FOOT THAN TO  
SPEND ANOTHER MINUTE WITH THOSE A**HOLES!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: Oh, well, just fantastic! It's not everyday that you plan to bond with your family and then  
end up flying into trees instead!  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: *sighs* You know you don't mean that, Emmett. They drive us crazy and sometimes it would  
be nice to be on our own but you know we would miss them.

M-  
EMMETT: ~puts his hands on the back of his head and walks away from her a little bit~ Then what do  
you suggest, Rose? We keep on living like this? You know how miserable we both are.

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, let's not talk about this now. I know this weekend won't be much fun. But we can get  
through it, right? I mean, once this weekend is over we get to go off on our own for a little bit, anyways.  
For now, lets just try to make it through the weekend, okay? For me?

M-  
EMMETT: ~thinks for a second~ Fine..  
~they return~  
CARLISLE: Oh, Emmett, you have returned. How happy I am!  
EMMETT: Yeah. BUT I'M NOT SHARING A TENT WITH THAT HOOLIGAN!!! ~points at  
Edward~  
CARLISLE: But we only poses two tents.  
EMMETT: THEN I'LL STAY OUT OF THE TENT!! OR I'LL STAY IN THE GIRLS!!  
ALICE: Didn't you read the tent, Emmett? It says "girls" and I know that you are not a girl. At least, I  
hope not. That would be weird. And creepy. And scary..

K-  
ESME: Children! Please! Let's not argue. It's so rare that we all get to be together all at once, let's just  
enjoy it while it lasts, please? I would like for ALL of us to stay in their designated tent for the night.  
Just one night, okay?

M-

EMMETT: Esme, I swear, I might behead him in the middle of the night!! I have stratagies!!! Especially  
his stupid sing-a-longs that PISS ME THE F*** OFF!!!  
CARLISLE: ~rubbing his temples because he's stressed out with Emmett~ Emmett, please listen to  
your mother.  
EMMETT: NO!  
CARLISLE: EMMETT, LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER!!!  
EMMETT: ~is shocked~ O-okay..?  
CARLISLE: Thank you.

K-  
EDWARD: FINE! I SHALL NO LONGER ENGAGE THIS FAMILY IN SINGALONGS! I JUST  
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE FUN TO SING! MUSIC IS THE WINDOW TO THE SOUL,  
EMMETT! THE SOUL!!!  
NOW, IF NOBODY MINDS, I THINK I SHALL TAKE A WALK! YOU ALL MAY CHOOSE  
TO JOIN ME IF MY PRESENCE IS NOT TOO IRKSOME FOR YOU!  
M-  
Alice: I'll come Edward!! ~pulls Jasper from underwater~ Jasper will too!  
Jasper: Yes.  
Carlisle: What a grand idea Edward! A walk would be splendid!  
Emmett: ~grunts and crosses his arms across his chest and sits down on one of the logs next to the  
campfire~

K-  
ESME: Oh, I quite agree! A walk together would be marvelous! The mountains are so beautiful this  
time of year!  
Emmett, Rose, aren't you coming?  
M-  
EMMETT: No.  
ALICE: Oh Emmett, stop being such a baby and get up!  
EMMETT: No!  
ALICE: ~sighs and mumbles about him being a baby~  
EMMETT: I am not a baby!  
ALICE: Yes you are!  
CARLISLE: Alice, Emmett, please. Must you go on like this?  
ALICE: Sorry Carlisle.  
EMMETT: ~grunts~

K-  
ROSE: Than I'm staying too. No, I refuse to leave if Emmett isn't going, too!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is still crossing his arms over his chest but then hears that Rose isn't going and perks up~  
Yeah!!! That sounds like a good idea. We can protect each other!!!!  
ALICE: You're two fully grown VAMPIRES!!!! Nothing is going to ATTACK YOU!!  
EMMETT: YOU CAN NEVER BE TOO SAFE, ALICE!!! WE MUST PROTECT EACH OTHER  
FROM THESE THINGS!!!  
ALICE: BABY!!!  
EMMETT: STOP BEING SUCH A HATA, PLAYA!!!  
ALICE: ~groans~ I AM NOT A "HATA." I DON'T EVEN THINK THAT'S PROPER ENGLISH,  
EMMETT!!!

CARLISLE: CHILDREN!!!!!  
EMMETT: Wow...  
K-  
WELL, FINE, IF YOU AREN'T GOING, THEN WE'LL JUST BE ON OUR WAY!  
*frolics off with Renesme in arms*

M-  
EMMETT: ~runs after them and shoves Edward apart from Renesme and shoves Edward into the river  
and then throws Renesme against the trees and then starts laughing~  
CARLISLE: EMMETT!!!!!!! ~runs over to Renesme and picks her up and strokes her head~ Dear  
child, are you quite alright?  
K-  
RENESME: *Shows Carlisle memory of the bunny, wondering if that's why Emmett threw her into  
trees*  
EDWARD: *reads Renesme's mind* NO, MY SWEET! IT IS NOT YOUR FAULT THAT YOUR  
UNCLE IS A VERY BAD MAN!  
EMMETT!!!! IF YOU MUST THROW SOMETHING, THERE ARE MANY ROCKS AROUND  
HERE! OR I EVEN PACKED A FOOTBALL! BUT WHAT  
ON EARTH WERE YOU THINKING, THROWING MY POOR SWEET INNOCENT CHILD  
INTO THE AIR AS IF SHE WERE TRASH??? MY DAUGHTER IS NOT TRASH, EMMETT!  
SHE IS LOVELY! SHE IS MY  
LIFE, EMMETT!! MY LIFE!!!!!!! DO YOU NOT CARE FOR MY LIFE?? HAVE YOU NO  
VALUE TO MY HAPPINESS?  
M-  
EMMETT: YES, SHE IS TRASH!!! WHITE TRASH!!! YOU HEARD ME!! YOUR DAUGHTER  
IS WHITE TRASH!!! AND FOR YOU, EDWARD, I  
COULD CARE A SH** ABOUT YOUR LIFE!! YOU KNOW WHY!??!?!?!??!?! BECAUSE  
YOU'RE A F***ING A**HOLE!!! THAT'S WHY!! AND MAYBE IF YOU WEREN'T SUCH A  
F***ING A**HOLE, THEN I WOULD BE NICER!! BUT ARE YOU NICER!? NO, BECAUSE  
YOU'RE A F***ING A**HOLE!! AND F***ING A**HOLES DON'T GET ANYWHERE IN  
LIFE BECAUSE THEY'RE F***ING A**HOLES!!!! AND DO YOU REALLY THINK THAT I  
LIKE F***ING A**HOLES!? NO, I DON'T LIKE  
S*ITY F***ING A**HOLES BECAUSE THEY ARE F**ING A**HOLES!! THAT'S WHY!!!  
CARLISLE: ~mouth is hanging open because he is so stunned~ Really Emmett. Must you go on like  
this? Especially in front of dear, poor Renesme? THERE ARE LADIES PRESENT EMMETT!!!  
JASPER: ~tries to calm Emmett down~  
EMMETT: NO, F*** YOU, JASPER!!! YOU'RE A F***ING A**HOLE TOO FOR STEALING  
MY F***ING BUNNY, YOU F***ING A**HOLE!!!! ~throws Jasper against the trees too~  
CARLISLE: Okay, family. Let's leave before Emmett can do any more damage.

K-  
*Receives Renesme from Carlisle and walks away as fast as he possibly can*  
DON'T LET HIS CRUEL WORDS TAINT YOUR HAPPINESS, DEAR ONE. IT'S OK,  
DADDY LOVES YOU!!!  
RENESME: *falls asleep*  
EDWARD: OH, DEAR CHILD! ARE YOU ALRIGHT?? WHY ARE YOU SLEEPING??? WAKE  
UP!!!!!! WAKE UPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!!!!!

BELLA: *freaks out* WHAT'S WRONG WITH HER??? EDWARD, DO SOMETHING!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: I KNOW WHAT WE CAN DO!! ~somehow steals Renesme from Edward and launches  
her at the trees again~ SEE, SHE'S OKAY!!! SHE'S STILL BREATHING!!!  
ALICE: REALLY, EMMETT!! SHE'S A POOR, DEFENSELESS CHILD!!! SHE CAN'T  
PROTECT HERSELF FROM THE EVILS THAT YOU BESTOW UPON HER!!!!  
EMMETT: SHUT THE F*** UP!!! WE'RE BONDING!!!! ~picks up Renesme and throws her at  
more trees~ ARE YOU HAVING FUN, NESSIE!? I SURE THE F*** AM!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT! GET HER DOWN FROM THERE! SHE HAS NEVER DONE  
ANYTHING TO YOU, EMMETT!!! NEVER!!! SHE IS NOT A MONSTER LIKE HER  
FATHER!  
Come, Renesme darling, we're LEAVING! BELLA, GRAB THE KEYS TO THE VOLVO!  
ESME: But, children, we were having such fun! What about our walk? Please stay, please?  
EDWARD: NO, MOTHER, I CANNOT STAY HERE! MY DAUGHTER'S SAFETY IS AT  
STAKE HERE! NO, HE IS ALWAYS LIKE THIS AND I CANT TAKE IT ANYMORE!!!  
BELLA, WHERE ARE MY KEYS????

M-

EMMETT: WE WERE BONDING, EDWARD!!!! YOU CAN LEAVE, BUT AT LEAST KEEP  
RENESME HERE SO I CAN THROW HER AT MORE  
TREES!! I'M PREPARING HER FOR LIFE, EDWARD, BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY YOU'RE  
NOT DOING THAT!!! SHE'S GOING TO GET BEATEN UP WHEN SHE'S IN SCHOOL,  
AND THERE CAN BE AN INSTANCE WHERE SHE GETS THROW AT TREES!!  
OKAY!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!? ~is pissed~  
CARLISLE: That is quite a good idea, Edward. I am so sorry that it must come down to this. But I see  
no better way around the situation. Here, I have your keys. ~hands Edward's keys to him~ Be safe  
son.  
ALICE: I think that Jasper and I are going to leave now too. It really is no fun to have an innocent child  
being thrown at trees. Come, Jasper.  
JASPER: But I thought it was kind of funny!!  
Alice: Jasper! How can you say such things?  
Jasper: Sorry honey. I was not thinking. My hair was distracting my train of thought.  
Alice: You and your hair..

K-  
ROSE: WAIT! I'm coming too! *Throws Emmett nasty look, and holds Renesme so Edward can  
drive*  
ESME: CHILDREN! WAIT! PLEASE DON'T GO! I LOOOOVE YOU!!!! WE ARE A FAMILY  
AND WE STICK TOGETHER!  
*Everyone stares*

M-  
EMMETT: WAIT, ROSE!!!!!!!!!! I WAS JUST KIDDING!!!! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE  
FUNNY!!! ~starts running after the car and then after a while he stops running~ WHAT THE  
F***ING F***!?!?!!???! IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE FUNNY, DAMNIT!  
CARLISLE: ~melts down~ NO!!!!! FAMILY DAY IS RUINED!!!!! COME BELOVED, LET'S  
GO HOME. THERE REALLY IS NO POINT ANYMORE.  
~they leave~  
EMMETT: WHERE DID I GO WRONG!?!?!?!?!? ~bangs his head against a tree~ GOD DAMNIT,  
YOU F***ING PEOPLE!!!! ROSE, COME BACK TO ME ROSE!!! I LOVE YOU!!!! COME  
BACK TO ME!!!! ~falls down on his  
knees~ I WOULD CRY RIGHT NOW IF I COULD!!!!  
ROSSSSSEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

SWEETIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE  
EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
ESME: Carlisle, dear. Calm down. Clearly he is hurting. *Walks up to Emmett and puts an arm around  
him* It's ok Emmett. I'm sure she's not REALLY mad at you. She's just a little protective of Nessie,  
you know that. Come now, son, lets go home. I miss our family already. *gives his shoulder a squeeze  
then walks to start up the car*

M-  
EMMETT: I NEED TO WATCH OPRAH TO UNDERSTAND THESE PROBLEMS!!! ~get in the  
car and bumps his head against the window until the window breaks~  
~they reach home~  
EMMETT: ~slams the door and the door flies off its hinges and walks into the house, up the stairs and  
into his room, while groveling~

K-  
ROSE: *Blinks* Emmett, I didn't understand a word you just said. Do you mind repeating that?  
Slowly?  
M-  
EMMETT: NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!! EVERYBODY, JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!

K-  
ROSE: *is momentarily speechless- a first* Emmett? Are you okay? I'm not mad anymore... Not  
REALLY.

M-  
~all they hear is sobbing from Emmett's room~  
CARLISLE: Rose, he is pretty emotional right now. If only you heard him in the forest a few moments  
ago. It breaks my heart to see him in such a state like this.  
EMMETT: ~is still sobbing~

K-  
ROSE: OH, don't you DARE even try to make ME feel guilty! *looks desperately towards Emmett's  
room* Look, I just want him to stop crying so we can talk. Will you just DO SOMETHING?

M-  
CARLISLE: ~knocks on Emmett's door~ Son, please come out so Rosalie and you can talk. She  
would really appreciate it if you came out of your room.  
EMMETT: NO!!  
CARLISLE: Emmett, if you want to stop fretting over this, then please come out of your room so you  
and Rosalie can talk. I know that she wants to make the circumstance better.  
EMMETT: ~thinks and a half second later he comes out of his room~

K-  
ROSE: Emmett... *reaches for his hands* Look, I love you, you know that. But could you please not  
throw our niece into trees? You know how I feel about Nessie.

M-  
CARLISLE: I will leave you two to talk. ~goes downstairs~  
EMMETT: ~takes his hands away~ You know I was just doing that to be funny. And to piss Edward  
off. God, has he been pissing me off.

K-  
ROSE: Yes, But Emmett there are other ways of having fun. And ticking Edward off. But Nessie is the  
closest thing I will ever have to a daughter! Please take her safety into more consideration. That's all  
I'm asking.  
And maybe you should try to make amends with Edward. I don't know what is going on between the  
two of you but frankly, it is quite annoying. How hard is it to just ignore him when he makes you angry?  
*flips hair*

M-  
EMMETT: Whatever! ~goes into his room and slams his door and starts frantically packing clothes and  
comes out of his room and down the stairs~ I'm leaving.  
CARLISLE: Where are you possibly going at this time of night?  
EMMETT: Away from here for a little while. I don't know how long I'll be. ~walks out of the door~

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! WAIT! I'M SORRY, OKAY? JUST GET BACK HERE! *chases car and jumps  
in through the window*

M-  
EMMETT: NO!! WHY ARE YOU HERE!?!?!?!?!?  
JASPER: ~jumps through the other window~  
EMMETT: OH, C'MON!!! WHY DO YOU HAVE TO KEEP BREAKING MY WINDOWS,  
MAN!?!?!?!  
JASPER: EMMETT, PLEASE COME HOME!!!! DON'T LEAVE ME WITH THOSE CRAZY  
PEOPLE!!! PLEASE!!!! MY HAIR AND I WOULD APPRECIATE IT IF YOU COULD COME  
BACK HOME!!!  
EMMETT: GET THE HELL OUTTA MY CAR!!! YOU DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT ME!!  
AND I SURE AS HELL DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT YOU!! GO AWAY!!!!!!!! ~tries to shove  
him out the broken window~

K-  
ROSE: GOD, JAZZ, JUST GIVE US SOME PRIVACY FOR A MINUTE! CAN'T YOU SEE WE  
NEED TO TALK??? *B*** slaps Jasper!*

M-  
JASPER: COMPLIMENT MY HAIR AND THEN I SHALL LEAVE!!!  
K-  
ROSE: FINE! JASPER, YOUR HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY! OKAY? DON'T MAKE ME COME  
BACK THERE!

M-  
JASPER: THAT WASN'T HEARTFELT!! I DON'T ACCEPT IT!!!  
EMMETT: ~manages to grab a handful of his shirt and throws him out the window~ YOU OWE ME  
A NEW WINDOW, B****!!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT, I'M SORRY, OKAY? CAN WE GO HOME NOW??? PLEASE?  
M-  
EMMETT: NO ROSE!!! NO WAY IN HELL AM I RETURNING TO THOSE CRAZY WACK  
JOBS!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU'RE SORRY, BUT NO WAY IN HELL AM I GOING  
BACK THERE!!!

K-  
ROSE: Em, calm down, okay? Look, can't we go home, please, just for a few minutes? Carlisle  
promised us our own little trip, remember? Only I don't have any of my things...

M-  
EMMETT: Fine, but I'm staying in the car. And no more for a few minutes, okay??  
~they go back home~

K-  
ROSE: *tries to sneak into her room to grab her stuff but is intercepted by various members of her  
family*  
EDWARD: ROSE! Where is Emmett? I feel absolutely dreadful about this weekend. I wish to make it  
up to the whole family!  
ROSE: He, um, isn't home right now. *tries to run away*

M-  
JASPER: ~jumps through Emmett's window~ EMMETT!!!!!!!  
EMMETT: ~is whispering~ Jasper, be quiet, will ya!? Edward's gunna hear you!  
JASPER: I'M SORRY, BUT I AM SO THANKFUL, MY HAIR AND I BOTH, THAT YOU  
HAVE RETURNED!! I AM SO THANKFUL!! ~hugs him~  
EMMETT: ~is still whispering~ Whatever, go away Jasper before somebody hears us!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, IS THAT YOU I HEAR??? *Bounds off joyously in the direction of Emmett's  
car before Rose can stop him*  
MY DEAR BROTHER, YOU HAVE SAFTELY RETURNED! WILL YOU EVER FORGIVE ME  
FOR MY MONSTROUS BEHAVIOR??? I DO NOT  
DESERVE YOUR FORGIVENESS, YET I MUST ASK FOR IT REGARDLESS! I AM SO  
VERY SORRY, EMMETT! *is on his knees*  
ROSE: *is frantically packing her things so they can get away*  
M-  
JASPER: MY HAIR AND I HAVE MISSED YOU TOO!!  
EMMETT: AHHH!! ~is freaking out because everybody is bombarding him~ ROSE!!!!  
K-  
ROSE: COMING!!! *dodges a bewildered Alice and Carlisle on her way out*  
I HAVE MY THINGS! LET'S Go!!!  
M-  
EMMETT: ~opens the passenger door and literally throws Jasper into Edward so that they both knock  
over and holds the door open for Rose~ ROSE!!!  
K-  
ROSE: *hops in seat* SHUT UP AND DRIIIIVE!!!

M-  
EMMETT: GOOD SONG!!! ~slams the door closed and guns the engine so that they shoot off at 80  
miles per hour~  
JASPER: WE HAVE BEEN RECHESABAD!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: NO, I DO NOT THINK THAT IS A GOOD SONG! HOW DARE YOU DRIVE  
AWAY FROM ME??? NO RESPECT!!! NONE!!!!!  
ROSE: *Rose and Emmett drive off leaving Edward in the dust. Poor misunderstood Edward.*

M-  
EMMETT: ~heard Edward~ YES IT IS EDWARD!!!!  
JASPER: AND NOW I AM HERE TO DIE WITH YOU CRAZY PEOPLE!!!! I FEEL SORRY  
FOR MYSELF!! WHAT CAN I DO NOW!?!?!? I GUESS I  
CAN GO GROOM MYSELF FOR HOURS, ADMIRING ON HOW PRETTY I LOOK. YEAH,  
THAT'S WHAT I WILL DO!! ~walks inside the house~

K-  
ROSE: Yes! We made it! Where are you taking me, hun?

M-  
EMMETT: Oh, you'll see. ~squeezes her hand~ At least we're alone now. And peace and quiet.  
About f***ing time, huh?  
K-  
ROSE: Tell me about it. Those people were driving me nuts. I never get any privacy! Tell me where  
we're going, please??? *bats eyelashes*

M-  
EMMETT: I don't need to because we're already here!!  
~they look at this huge luxury hotel/mall where it's stories upon stories of shops and hair salons and nail  
studios~  
EMMETT: You like? It's part of your Christmas present.  
K-  
ROSE: You got me more Christmas presents??? Emmet, that's so thoughtful! I love it!  
M-  
EMMETT: Yes, of course I did!! I love to spoil you! ~they walk up to the hotel and see a "sorry,  
we're closed" sign, and Emmett basically loses it~  
WHAT!?!?!??!!?!??!?!? NO!!!!!!!! THIS IS NOT A RESTAURANT!!! I PURCHASED THESE  
TICKETS 2 MONTHS AGO!!! F*** THE F***ING PEOPLE!!! ~ends up breaking down the  
door~ Okay, here Rose. We have the whole place to ourselves.  
K-  
ROSE: Em, it's ok. Put the door back before someone sees. We can always go somewhere else, for  
now. I won't mind.

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts and puts the door back~ DAMNIT, F*** THE F***ING PEOPLE!!! I'm sorry  
Rose. I truly am. Do you have any places in mind that you would like to go to?

K-  
ROSE: Nope. Anywhere works with me. As long as it isn't home. *Grabs hand and leads him away  
from the hotel*

M-  
EMMETT: ~holds open Rose's door and waits for her to get in and then closes the door and gets on  
the driver's side and jumps in and shuts the door~ Okay, let me think. There's a decent hotel a few  
miles away. Let's go there. ~they drive to that hotel~

K-  
ROSE: See? This is nice too. And it's definitely not home. *smiles* Let's go in.

M-  
EMMETT: Yeah. This is okay. ~they go up to their room and Emmett spots a single cockroach on the  
floor~ OH MY GOD!!!! THIS PLACE IS CRAWLING WITH COCKROACHES!!!!! WE CAN'T  
STAY HERE!! THIS  
IS DISGUSTING!!! ~stamps on the cockroach~ WE HAVE TO LEAVE NOW!!!

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, it's okay! There's only one roach! Besides, it's not like it will hurt you. We're kinda  
indestructible, remember? Let's just stay here, alright?

M-  
EMMETT: I suppose.. Let's go swimming in the indoor pool.  
~they leave the room and a girl who's staying in the room next to theirs, glances at Emmett and basically  
falls in love~

K-  
ROSE: *can sense that they are being stalked and after a while she turns around to glare at the girl*  
Look, are you part of the staff, lady? Because unless you're here to bring us some towels, you can stop  
following us.  
*grabs on to Emmett's arm possessively*  
M-  
VIOLET: Um, excuse me, but my name is Violet. And why would I ever want to work here when  
snooty stuck-up people like yourself, stay here?

K-  
ROSE: *look of disgust deepens and if looks could kill everyone in a 50 mile vicinity would be dead*  
WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY?  
LISTEN HERE, B****. PEOPLE LIKE ME DO NOT TALK TO PEOPLE LIKE YOU. SO GET.  
LOST. GOT IT?  
M-  
VIOLET: Listen, blondie, I don't know if you've realized this, probably not because you're a dumb  
blonde, but this is AMERICA! I'm free to go anywhere I please, do whatever I want to do. GOT IT?

K-  
ROSE: I DON'T THINK SO, GIRLFRIEND! *Rosalie takes a step forward and is about to launch  
herself at the girl*

M-  
EMMETT: Rose!! ~grabs her hand and gently strokes it~ There's no need.  
VIOLET: ~flips her black hair and rolls her eyes at Rosalie and mumbles that she's such a drama  
queen~  
K-  
ROSE: *struggles to resist a snarl and sighs instead* You're right, hun. *Smiles and kisses him, just to  
make Violet extra jealous. Yes, she just went there.*  
Common, let's go to the pool. *turns around and gives her hair an extra shake as she begins to walk  
away*

M-  
EMMETT: ~squeezes her hand~ Thank you Rose. ~takes his shirt off and lays it on one of the various  
lawn chairs set up by the pool~  
VIOLET: ~was watching him and is now fawning over the fact that he's gorgeous and her mouth is  
hanging wide open~  
K-  
ROSE: *is completely aware (and thoroughly annoyed) that Violet is watching them*  
*whispers to Emmett while pretending to hug him for Violet's benefit* Emmet, look at her, she's  
practically drooling! It's disgusting! Do something!!!  
*is completely jealous*

M-  
EMMETT: Wha? ~didn't seem to notice and looks over at Violet, who waves back at him~ Oh, don't  
be jealous, Rose. You know you love it when guys fawn over you all the time.

K-  
ROSE: *still whispering* Yeah, but that's DIFFERENT! Stop giving her attention, you're making it  
worse! I don't want to share you! I should go  
over there right now and... *mutters about various forms of dismemberment*

M-  
EMMETT: ~laughs~ You don't need to share me. I'm yours. Forever. She's just a lovestruck girl. She'll  
probably get over it in a matter of a couple of days.  
VIOLET: ~quickly walks over to where they are~ Are you guys going swimming!? Mind if I joined  
you!?!!? It would be FUNNNN!!!

K-  
ROSE: *whispers low and fast to Emmett so Violet can't notice* Yeah, if dying a slow and painful  
death is synonymous with fun...  
(To Violet) Actually, sweetie, we're swimming in the deep end today. I don't know if you can handle  
that level at the moment. But the kiddie pool is right over there. *Points to the corner of the room with a  
tiny wading pool and smiles innocently*


	3. Chapter 3: Violet, Mike, and Snowballs

M-  
VIOLET: I'm 19. I think I can handle it.  
EMMETT: I'm sorry Violet, but we just escaped our family and we really want time to ourselves right now.  
VIOLET: Oh..

K-  
ROSE: Buh-bye! *waves smugly*  
(to Emmett) Nineteen. NINETEEN! She's only a BABY! *seethes* She doesn't deserve you.

M-  
EMMETT: ~whispers to Rose~ Exactly. Because she doesn't know how to love.  
VIOLET: PLEASE!!?!?!? I'M NOT GOING TO SEE MY PARENTS FOR A REALLY LONG  
TIME AND I JUST WANT SOMEBODY TO TALK TO!!! ~melts down and starts crying~  
EMMETT: ~is startled and whsipers to Rose~ Rose, we made her cry!! We can't leave her!!

K-  
ROSE: *looks at him helplessly* But... But.... Emmet, I think she's just manipulating you! I thought this  
trip would be just us, remember?

M-  
VIOLET: ~starts crying even more and when Emmett isn't looking at her, she evil glares at Rose and  
then continues crying~  
EMMETT: You're right. It is. I'm sorry Violet, but do you mind if you talked to somebody else? ~sees  
a guy that could spark her interest on the "hotness scale"~ There! There's a cute guy!! Why don't you  
just go talk to him?  
VIOLET: ~stops crying a bit~ I-I suppose. ~walks over to him~  
EMMETT: There. ~sighs~ Human teenage girls. Hormones bouncing off all over the walls. And I can't believe that I just said cute guy. I've been spending too much time with Edward.

K-  
ROSE: *manages a laugh but is still mad jealous* Let's just get in.  
*jumps gracefully into the pool*

M-  
EMMETT: Okay. ~jumps into the pool too, as graceful as Rose and finds  
her underwater and kisses her ang then comes up to the surface~

K-  
ROSE: *is HAPPY* We should have taken this trip weeks ago! *laughs and playfully splashes  
Emmett*

M-  
EMMETT: We should have!! But Carlisle forced us to go on that stupid "hunting family fun bonding  
time thing." Honestly, what will they think of next to torture us?

K-  
ROSE: *groans* I don't even want to think of it. Knowing Edward, he'll decide he wants to write a  
Broadway production and pass us all off as  
actors. It would probably be some whiny recreation of his love for Bella, too. *mimes shooting herself  
with her finger* Spare me!  
*smiles* Thank god I have SOMEONE to share my sanity with.

M-  
EMMETT: Tell me about it!! We have like 2 weeks without those people. We can do whatever the hell  
we want!! THE FREEDOM!! ~floats on his back~

K-  
ROSE: *takes advantage of his inattentiveness and quietly swims behind him, and when he doesn't  
expect it she screams*

M-  
EMMETT: ~screams too and plunges deep into the water and starts laughing underwater~ ROSE!! ~is  
trying to speak underwater~

K-  
ROSE: *is laughing uncontrollably* OH. MY. GOD! YOU SHOULD HAVE SEEN YOUR FACE!!!  
WHERE'S EDWARD AND HIS STUPID CAMERA WHEN YOU NEED IT???

M-  
~people all around them just dumbfoundly look at them~  
EMMETT: Don't you dare get out of the pool!! ~grabs her leg and drags her back in~

K-  
ROSE: *is not stronger than Emmett so she compensates by splashing him excessively*  
Emmett, let go! People are starting to stare! *giggles*  
M-  
EMMETT: NO! NEVER!! ~holds onto her tighter~ I don't care if they look. Let them! ~glares at the  
people that are looking at them and one guy with lemonade sees Emmett and trips and it lands all over  
some old lady~  
EMMETT: ~starts laughing quietly so only Rose can hear~

K-  
ROSE: *pretends to disapprove* Emmett, you don't HAVE to scare people like that. The poor things  
don't know what they have coming to them.  
M-  
EMMETT: Fine. ~lets go of her~  
~everybody is now staring at them~

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, we aren't going to get ANY privacy in here. Would you like to go back to our room?  
Or do you want to stay here, anyways?

M-  
EMMETT: Room. That would probably be better. ~jumps out and helps Rose out too and grabs his  
shirt and wraps a towel around his waste~

K-  
ROSE: *looks around their chairs* Hey, what happened to my towel? I thought I put it right here...  
That was my cashmere towel, darn it!

M-  
EMMETT: ~looks around too and glances at Violet and sees that she's clutching onto it and he walks  
over and snatches it from her~ You're really starting to piss me off.  
VIOLET: Excuse me!? That's mine!!  
EMMETT: No, it isn't. I gave this to Rose, THE LOVE OF MY LIFE ~points at Rose~ And look!  
~points to a spot on the towel where Rose's initials are~ Those are her initials! I would suggest you  
stop the bulls*** before I call the cops.

K-  
ROSE: *runs over to Emmett* Oh, my towel! *wraps herself up in it and then notices Violet*  
Oh. It's you. *wrinkles nose*  
M-  
VIOLET: Jeesh, I was just trying to get you over here!!!  
EMMETT: WELL, KNOCK IT OFF!! That's pretty lame, stealing other people's things just to get a  
guy to come over to talk to you. And I'm  
already in love, thank you, and I know you're trying to get me to break up with her or something, but  
I'm not going to!! So knock it off!

K-  
ROSE: What now, Vi? Tell you what, you run along and play with your little stuffed animals or  
whatever it is you kids do for fun now a days, and I'll go back to my room with my HUSBAND.  
Okay? Okay.  
Isn't it nice when we can all come to an understanding?  
M-  
VIOLET: I AM NOT A KID!!! I AM A LEGAL ADULT!!! I HAVE PROOF-~starts to take out her  
ID, but they're long gone~  
EMMETT: UGH, THAT GIRL!!! SHE REMINDS ME OF EDWARD IN A WAY!!!

K-  
ROSE: Why, because she's annoying? Because she's clingy?  
BECAUSE I WANT TO RIP HER LIMB FROM LIMB?

M-  
EMMETT: YES!! ALL OF THOSE!! ~they make a run for their room so she won't catch up to them  
and Emmett slams the door~ FREEDOM!!! I feel like we're at home. ~opens up the small fridge in  
their suite and opens up a beer and takes a long swig from it~

K-  
ROSE: Aw, Em, you know I love you, but you're no fun when your drunk...Remember what happened  
last time? Do we really want a repeat of that?

M-  
EMMETT: ~really doesn't want to put down the beer, but doesn't want to get into a fight~ Fine.  
~opens the glass door that leads to the outside and throws it down and accidently hits a bird~ Whoops.  
That's gunna hurt.

K-  
ROSE: Thank you. Now we can actually enjoy each others company. What would you like to do?  
M-  
EMMETT: Uhh. I don't know. What do you want to do? (I think you know what he wants to do. but  
he just doesn't want to say it outloud. he wants the weekend to be perfect.)

K-  
ROSE: You know I'm up for anything you're up for. Except beer pong. Or going back down to the  
pool where VIOLET *shudders* is.

M-  
EMMETT: ~thinks for half a second~ WE COULD COMPLIMENT EACH OTHER FOR  
HOURS!!

K-  
ROSE: *snorts* Are you being absolutely serious right now?  
Maybe it IS a good thing we got you away from Edward.

M-  
EMMETT: Ha ha!! No! Well, we could... ~whispers into her ear~ (I'll leave your imagination up to that  
one)

K-  
ROSE: Why yes, I'd love to play a game of Parcheesi!  
(J/K)

M-  
~A few HOURS later~  
EMMETT: That was fun!! That "Parcheesi" is a fun game!! We should do it again sometime!!

K-  
ROSE: What do you want to do now? I's pretty late, I bet we'd have the pool room all to ourselves!

M-  
EMMETT: WE COULD PLAY MORE PARCHEESI IN THE WATER TOO!!! ~they go to the  
pool and they find that nobody is there~ Cool!

K-  
ROSE:*hears her cell phone going off in her towel on the chair*  
Great. Just great! Who would be calling at this hour when everybody knows we're on a vacation??

M-  
EMMETT: I don't know. ~is praying that it's not Edward~

K-  
ROSE: *reluctantly gets out of the pool to answer her phone* Hello?  
EDWARD: ROSE! Oh, you have NO IDEA how glad I am to get a hold of you!  
ROSE: I CAN'T SAY THE FEELING IS MUTUAL EDWARD! WE'VE BEEN AWAY ALL OF 9  
HOURS AND YOU'RE ALREADY BOTHERING US ON OUR VACATION? CAN'T YOU  
CONTAIN YOURSELF FOR 5 MINUTES???  
EDWARD: YES, WELL, THERE'S BEEN SOMETHING OF A FAMILY EMERGENCY AND--  
ROSE: *actually cares* IS EVERYONE OKAY? WHERE'S CARLISLE? LET ME SPEAK TO  
CARLISLE!  
EDWARD: LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO DISCUSS THIS OVER THE PHONE, OK? CAN YOU  
JUST GET BACK HERE BY TOMORROW MORNING?  
ROSE: EDWARD, JUST TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON!  
EDWARD: *has already hung up*  
ROSE: *throws a worried glance at Emmett*

M-  
EMMETT: What did HE want!?

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, he said there was some kind of family emergency. He wants us back by tomorrow  
morning.  
Do you think everyone is ok?-  
M-  
Emmett: ~got out on the pool and starts using the towel to dry his hair~ Who knows? With him, there's  
probably a piece of dust on the floor that he needs help picking up. Rose, he has the whole family there,  
minus the two of us. I'm sure everything is fine.

K-  
ROSE: *is still worried* But what if it's not? What should we do? I don't want to leave, but what if  
someone got hurt, or if someone was exposed...

M-  
EMMETT: ~pulls her to him and starts playing with her hair~ I'm sure everything's fine. They have  
Carlisle. He'll know what to do if there's a crisis.

K-  
ROSE: *chews on her bottom lip* Maybe you're right. Maybe we should wait till the morning, and then  
call Carlisle.

M-  
EMMETT: ~hugs her~ Don't worry Rose. ~kisses her forehead and while she is distracted, he jumps in  
with Rose, still hugging her~

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! MY HAIR!!! *laughs* What was that for???

M-  
EMMETT: That was for earlier!!! ~messes her hair up a little~  
K-  
ROSE: What, you can wrestle with a bear but you can't take a little noise? *tries to fix hair*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~helps her fix her hair~ I was caught off-guard!

K-  
ROSE: Or you were just afraid of a scary vampire!

M-  
EMMETT: Psssshhh. Please. Me? Afraid? Are you feeling well Rose? ~puts a hand on her forehead~

K-  
ROSE: *brushes his hand away and sticks out her tongue* I'm fine!

M-  
EMMETT: Are you sure? Do you need your temperature taken? ~kisses her~ Nope, you're fine. ~his  
phone starts rining~ Oh, jeeze, what now!?  
K-  
ROSE: *closes her eyes in frustration* Do you need to answer it now??  
M-  
EMMETT: Nope. ~throws the phone onto the chair~ Like you said, it can wait until tomorrow.

K-  
ROSE: Did you see who it was?

M-  
EMMETT: ~saw on the phone that it was Mike and he was calling Emmett to see what happened to  
him when he didn't show up at the strip club~ No.

K-  
ROSE: Oh, well, okay. We'll just call them back in the morning. *assumes it was their family*

M-  
EMMETT: Yeah. ~changes topics~ So, what do you want to do now?

K-  
ROSE: I don't know. I'm not used to having so much time to ourselves. What time is it? We could take  
a walk if it's not too close to sunrise. If you want.  
M-  
EMMETT: It's 2:25. That should give us enough time. ~takes her hand and leads her outside~

K-  
ROSE: So what do you want to talk about?

M-  
EMMETT: What do you want to do for Christmas? If you want to celebrate it, this is.

K-  
ROSE: Aw, you've given me enough. Although my mirror is getting a little cloudy. I could do with a  
new one. And why wouldn't we celebrate Christmas?

M-  
EMMETT: Just wondering. So a new mirror? How did it get all cloudy?

K-  
ROSE: Probably age. Edward doesn't come in our room to clean anymore. Your messes drive him  
crazy.

M-  
EMMETT: I like to roll around in my own filth!!! It makes me feel more manly. Especially when I'm  
stuck around a girlish brother all day and can't escape.

K-  
ROSE: I don't mind. It keeps Edward out of our stuff. You'd think he'd have better things to do with his  
time.

M-  
EMMETT: Yeah. He's always snooping around our stuff. And all the good stuff he throws away too!!  
AND OBOUSIVELY HE DOESN'T!!! It's his goal in life to make us miserable, Rose. The cleaning is  
his obsession. He's never going to stop.

K-  
ROSE: It's ok, Emmett. He's not here now. It's just us. Take a few deep breaths.  
M-  
EMMETT: ~takes a few deep breaths and closes his eyes and 4 seconds later, he opens them and  
looks at Rose~ Okay. Is there anything else you want?

K-  
ROSE: Nope, you've given me enough. How bout you?

M-  
EMMETT: I don't need anything. I have everything that I need. Well, actually if you could kill Edward.  
That would be a great present!

K-  
ROSE: No, really. There's nothing? No seat covers for the jeep? No CD's? Nothing?

M-  
EMMETT: I don't need anything. Just Edward to be gone. FOREVER.

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, you know we can't do that. You guys used to get along so well, too. What happened?

M-  
EMMETT: I DON'T KNOW!! He's the one who went crazy!!

K-  
ROSE: Shh, It's ok. I mean, he drives me crazy too, but he always has. But he's still Family, Emmett.  
Are you going to get him anything for Christmas?  
M-  
EMMETT: HE'LL PROBABLY JUST SAY "THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE" AND WHAT WERE  
YOU THINKING!?" AND THEN PROBABLY THROW IT AWAY.

K-  
ROSE: Probably. If you get him that vacuum he's been drooling over, he'll get mad because he thinks  
your treating him like a maid. But if you don't get him anything, you're still screwed.  
M-  
EMMETT: So either way, I'm screwed. Nothing is up to his standards. If I try to make it funny, he'll  
probably take it offensively and say "Emmett, why are you making fun of mexicans? They have  
exceltent tacos, you know."

K-  
ROSE: *laughs* Yes, he probably would. Why don't we just get him something together? We could  
always just get him like a watch or something. Then he can't blame ONLY you if he doesn't like it.

M-  
EMMETT: Maybe. I don't know. He's so f***ing picky!

K-  
ROSE: Yes. But that's not going to ruin our Christmas, okay? Promise?

M-  
EMMETT: I'll try Rose! But with him, I don't know. It's gunna be hard.

K-  
ROSE: It'll be okay. What time is it now, Emmett?

M-  
EMMETT: It's 3:00.  
EMMETT: Do you want to start heading back?

K-  
ROSE: Only if you want too. I was just checking.

M-  
EMMETT: ~cell phone starts ringing~ Oh my god!! Why can't people just LEAVE US ALONE!!  
~they then see somebody walking towards them~  
VIOLET: OHEMGOD!!!! IT WORKS!! ~hangs up her cell phone~  
EMMETT: THAT WAS YOU ON THE PHONE!?!?  
VIOLET: Yup! I just wanted to make sure that I have your number. You know. In case of an  
emergency. ~winks at him~  
EMMETT: ~stares at her in disgust~ How did you even GET MY NUMBER!?  
VIOLET: Oh, the guy that was at the desk. I asked him.  
EMMETT: And he just GAVE IT OUT!?  
VIOLET: Not exactly. With me being a woman, I had to flirt a little.  
EMMETT: You teenage girls. So help you god.

K-  
ROSE: *Steps in front of Emmett so Violet cant see him and places her hands on her hips* Hold it,  
kiddie. I'll be taking that number now. And isn't it a little past your bed time?  
M-  
VIOLET: I followed you because I was worried about Emmett. You might have seduced him.  
EMMETT: ~laughs~  
VIOLET: ~puts her hands on her hips~ What's YOUR excuse?

K-  
ROSE: Oh, I'm sorry, do I NEED an excuse to take a walk with my HUSBAND? Because, as you  
pointed out before, this IS America. I can enjoy MY HUSBANDS company whenever I want.

M-  
VIOLET: Yeah yeah. ~waves her hand~ Emmett, are you okay!? Did the big meanie sexually harass  
you??  
EMMETT: ~keeps his mouth shut and tries not to laugh~

K-  
ROSE: *stomps on Emmett's foot before she takes a few steps forward, putting only about 2 inches  
between Violet and herself*  
Listen, kiddo. I don't NEED to sexually harass my husband in order to get his attention, unlike SOME  
people. I don't know WHO you think you are! Do you seriously think you can waltz right in here and  
start flirting with my husband? Because I have news for you, honey. IT ISN'T GOING TO WORK.

M-  
VIOLET: Yeah yeah. ~waves her hand again~ Whatever. And why do you keep calling me "kiddo."  
Does it look like I'm a kid with these!? ~points to her boobs~ I can't say the same for you though.  
Seeing as you're flat-chested.

K-  
ROSE: *takes a step back in both loathing and disgust* PUH-LEASE! You think that's what defines  
an adult? Who looks the most like a cheap hooker?? Because in my world, honey, a woman is  
measured by her character and NOT her chest. And that, my dear child, would put you around 12.  
M-  
VIOLET: Oh, no no! I'm just saying. And I would probably put you around a 4. A brain dead blonde.  
How fun. Oh wait!! Let me slow down. You blonde's need a few more minutes to interpret things. You.  
6. And. Stupid. Did. You. Understand. That? Probably not.

K-  
ROSE: *has completely lost it* MY HAIR COLOR HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH THE  
MEASUREMENT OF MY INTELLIGENCE! AND YOU KNOW WHAT? EVEN IF I WAS  
DUMB, DUMB CAN LEARN! UGLY, HOWEVER, IS FOREVER. SO IT SUCKS TO BE YOU!

M-  
VIOLET: ~is about ready to tackle her~  
EMMETT: ~gets between the two of them~ GUYS!! Or rather, GIRLS!! Stop it!! Violet, you're going  
to get yourself severly hurt if you keep messing around with Rose. I would just stay away from us if you  
knew any better.  
VIOLET: ~takes up an innocient voice and hugs Emmett~ But I don't know any better. ~bats her  
eyelashes~ Want to show me?

K-  
ROSE: *is fuming and completely out of self control, causing her to grab fistfuls of Violet's hair and  
effortlessly drag her away from Emmett*  
WHAT WERE YOU SAYING, B****???

M-  
VIOLET: ~tries to break free from her grasp, but can't and starts laughing~ OH PLEASE!! LIKE  
YOU COULD EVER HURT ME!!!  
EMMETT: Rose!! Careful, you might hurt her!!! ~easily releases Rose's hand from Violet's head~  
VIOLET, LEAVE. NOW.  
VIOLET: ~starts to object~ BUT I DON'T WANT TO-  
EMMETT: STOP SOUNDING LIKE SUCH A F***ING 3-YEAR-OLD AND GET THE F***  
AWAY FROM US!!!  
VIOLET: ~looks at him with terror~  
EMMETT: LEAVE, VIOLET!!!!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: *makes another leap for Violet*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grabs her before she can tackle Violet and wraps her in his arms and whsipers to Rose~  
Darling, calm down. I know you hate her and want to rip her apart limb from limb, like I want to do on  
a regular basis with Edward, but you must calm down. ~speaks loud so Violet can hear~ Violet. You  
have to leave. NOW!  
VIOLET: I-I can't. I can't find my cell phone! ~is making up excuses~  
EMMETT: ~see the shape of her cell phone in her pocket~ Maybe you should TRY HARDER!!  
CHECK YOUR FRONT POCKET!

K-  
ROSE: *can't get free from Emmett but is kicking and squirming anyways*  
EMMETT!!! LET ME GO! EMMETT!!!!!  
M-  
EMMETT: No Rose!!! Not until you have calmed down!! VIOLET, LEAVE!!!  
VIOLET: NO!  
EMMETT: ~makes an angry growl but tries to cover it up with a cough~ GO!!!  
VIOLET: NO!!  
EMMETT: ~is getting so pissed off that he has to let go of Rose so he won't really hurt her and says  
between clenched teeth:~ GO. AWAY. VIOLET.

K-  
ROSE: *Tackles Violet so that they both land in a snowbank and is about to hit her when she (finally)  
comes to her senses, springs back, and wipes snow off herself in disgust*  
You're lucky you aren't worth my time, Honey!

M-  
EMMETT: ~walks away and when they're out of sight, he sprints and starts throwing trees and rips  
them apart~  
VIOLET: Where is he going!?

K-  
ROSE: *is still seething and has to turn away from Violet when she answers her* To let off some  
steam. To get away from you. Us. This was our one time getting away from our family, you know. We  
never get any privacy. *groans from frustration and sits down in the snow bank*  
M-  
VIOLET: Well, jeesh. I have nobody to talk to right now and I'm really lonely. ~walks away~  
EMMETT: ~is still tearing down trees~  
~a couple of minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~comes back without his shirt and his pants are tattered into basically nothing and there's a  
lot of wood pieces in his hair~

K-  
ROSE: Emmett! Look at you! Ugh, I'm sorry! I just kind of.. Lost it. *hugs him quickly and starts  
picking wood out of his hair*

M-  
EMMETT: It's fine Rose.~hugs her~ No harm done. Except for those trees. And a few of those  
animals that got in my way..~smells the air which is lightly scented from Violet~ Where's Violet? Is she  
f***ing finally gone? Please tell me she is.

K-  
ROSE: *smiles* She left! We're free! Why don't we go back to our room? I don't mind, but it's getting  
on morning and people are going to be wondering what happened to all your clothes.  
M-  
EMMETT: Yeah. I could use a shower. Look at me!! I look like Edward on a bad day!! AT least I  
don't have that hobo hat that he's always wearing!!! ~they start walking back to the hotel~

K-  
ROSE: *laughs about Edwards hat* How does Alice let him get away with that hat??? Maybe we  
should get him a more acceptable hat for Christmas. *Talking about Edward reminds her of her phone  
call last night*  
Hey, Em, when we get back to our room should we call Carlisle? That way we can catch him before he  
leaves for work? I don't want to be stuck talking to Edward on the phone again.  
M-  
EMMETT: ~squeezes her hand~ Okay. See you in a minute. ~heads towards the room and sees  
Violet~  
VIOLET: ~is sitting in the room where the main loby is and is looking at the fire and glances up at him~  
What do you want?  
EMMETT: ~sits down next to her~ Well, just to apologize for earlier, I guess.  
VIOLET: Yeah, whatever.  
EMMETT: No really!! I was just frustrated and shouldn't have gotten so angry. I know you don't  
understand this, but Rose and I are inseparable.  
VIOLET: No, I understand that. ~puts her elbows on her knees and looks into the fire~  
EMMETT: Then why were you being like that?  
VIOLET: I don't know. I just miss my parents, I guess.  
EMMETT: Oh. I see. ~checks the time and realizes that he should get up to his room~ Well, I should  
go now. Are you going to be okay?  
VIOLET: Yeah. I'll be fine.  
EMMETT: Okay. See you later. ~heads up towards the room~

K-  
ROSE: *Beat Emmett to the room and hears him coming* Emmett, is that you? What took so long?  
M-  
EMMETT: I saw Violet and apologized to her. ~grabs a towel and heads for the bathroom and turns  
the water on~ I think she'll finally leave us alone now.

K-  
ROSE: *is a little miffed that he talked to Violet but is glad that she'll leave them alone so she doesn't  
say anything about it*  
That's nice, hun.

M-  
EMMETT: MMmhhmmm. We can finally have some peace and quiet not. ~pulls her to him~  
(YEAH, LET'S SKIP THIS PART. SOUND GOOD???)  
EMMETT: ~wraps a towel around him and walks over to his cell phone and checks the time~ SH**!!!  
HOW COULD WE HAVE TAKEN A 3 HOUR LONG SHOWER!? ~looks at the shower and sees  
that they destroyed the curtains~ Oh crap..

K-  
ROSE: Ooops. We're gonna have to get new ones. The hotel can't get TOO mad at us. They're getting  
free curtains, after all. Any missed calls?

M-  
EMMETT: We get too easily distracted, Rose. Oh well, at least we didn't destroy the whole hotel  
room. That's happened a few times in the past. On our honeymoons.. ~opens his cell phone and sees  
that he missed 5 phone calls all from Edward and sighs~ All from Edward. ~can see that Edward left  
him messages so he goes to his voicemail~

K-  
EDWARD: *beep* Emmett, it's Edward!!! There has been a bit of a family emergency! I don't know if  
Rose told you but you are needed at home! Both of you! Please make haste! *click*  
EDWARD: *beep* Emmett, I am not kidding, this is a matter of most urgency! We need you home!  
Now, Emmett! *click*  
EDWARD: *beep* DON'T YOU DARE IGNORE ME EMMETT! I AM YOUR BROTHER!  
YOUR BROTHER!!! WHEN I SAY IT'S IMPORTANT IT'S IMPORTANT, EMMETT! I  
WOULD NEVER LIE TO YOU! PLEASE HURRY! *click*  
EDWARD: *beep* EMMETT! DO YOU HAVE NO COMPASSION FOR YOUR LOVED  
ONES? WE NEED YOU HERE NOW, EMMETT! FOR YOUR FAMILY'S SAKE! NO  
RESPECT FOR OUR FEELINGS, NO RESPECT! NONE!!! *click*  
EDWARD: *beep* I am very sorry for yelling at you, dear brother. I am a monster!!! A  
MONSTER!!! I hope that you will find it in your still heart to forgive me! We just really need you  
Emmett! And Rose, of course! Please hurry! *click*  
ROSE: *could hear it from where she was standing and is completely in shock* Wow. Just... Wow.  
Maybe we should. Um. Call Carlisle?  
M-  
EMMETT: Yeah. You call him, okay? ~throws his cell phone at her~

K-  
ROSE: Okay. *catches phone and dials Carlisle*  
Carlisle? We, um, Got a few obscure calls from Edward? And We were wondering if we should come  
home. He said something about a family emergency...?

M-  
Carlisle: Family emergency?  
EMMETT: Oh, ROSE!! We did more damage!! I think I accendentally punched the wall...  
Carlisle: ~heard that~ What? Is Emmett quite alright?

K-  
ROSE: Uh, yeah, everything's fine here. So wait, do you know anything about this family emergency?  
Edward wouldn't tell us ANYTHING except that he needed both of us home.

M-  
Carlisle: Emergency? Oh!! We were going to go Christmas shopping and did not know what to get  
Renesmee. Would you like to join us? It would be quite fun!

K-  
ROSE: THIS is your FAMILY EMERGENCY??? Carlisle, I'm sorry, but we've been out here for a  
grand total of ONE day! Here, talk to Emmett, please. *tosses the phone to Emmett and rubs her  
temples in frustration*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~catches the phones and starts massaging Rose's shoulders~ Carlisle, what's up?  
Carlisle: Well, apparently Edward call you. Am I correct?  
Emmett: YES. THE LITTLE LOSER MADE A BIG DEAL OUT OF NOTHING!!!!  
Carlisle: Apparently so. Oh, I do apologize Emmett. I know you and Rosalie have wanted this for quite  
some time.  
EMMETT: AND WE COULDN"T EVEN ENJOY US!!! THERE'S SOMEBODY HERE WHO  
WAS PISSING US OFF LIKE EDWARD!!!  
Carlisle: Calm, Emmett. Deep breaths.  
EMMETT: ~breathes in and out~ So what do you want us to do?  
Carlisle: Just stay put there. Everything is fine here. I am sincerely sorry. You and Rosalie go enjoy  
yourselves.  
EMMETT: Thanks Carlisle. ~hangs up~

K-  
ROSE: *sigh* I don't know whether or not to be relieved because there was nothing wrong or ticked  
because there was nothing wrong.

M-  
EMMETT: ~throws his phone on the bed and keeps massaging her shoulders~ Well, at least we don't  
have to rush home. We can go whenever we want to. ~cell phone starts to buzz again~ I'm not  
answering it!!

K-  
ROSE: Well, at least look to see who it is.

M-  
EMMETT: ~stops massaging her shoulders and looks at who's calling~ Ugh, it's Edward. I'll take care  
of this. ~picks it up~ Edward, stop calling!!!!!! Rose and I are having s*x!!! ~hangs up~ Now he  
knows that he can't call for at least another couple of hours.

K-  
ROSE: *laughing* Emmett, that was completely uncalled for!

M-  
EMMETT: Well, I mean, we can make it true. If you want to. (SKIPING!)  
~a couple of hours later, Emmett's phone starts ringing again~  
EMMETT: Oh my God!! ~picks it up~ EDWARD, WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!

K-  
ROSE: *attemps to silently calm Emmett*  
EDWARD: OH, you actually picked up this time! So Glad to see that you care!  
M-  
EMMETT: YOU INTERUPTED US EDWARD!!! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU WANT!?!?!?!?

K-  
EDWARD: I MERELY WANTED TO TALK! AND TO LET YOU KNOW OUR FAMILY HAS  
PULLED THROUGH OUR EMERGENCY! YOU'VE BEEN AVOIDING MY CALLS,  
EMMETT!

M-  
EMMETT: GO TO F***ING HELL EDWARD!!! ~hangs up~

K-  
ROSE: *rubs Emmett's head* It's ok. Just ignore it.

M-  
EMMETT: Rose, he won't leave us alone!! ~cell phojne starts to ring again~

K-  
ROSE: Then just turn it off. I'm sure if anyone needs to reach you they'll call me. Just make sure it's  
Edward before you turn it off, okay?

M-  
EMMETT: ~checks~ The one and only. ~rolls eyes and sighs and turns his phone off~

K-  
ROSE: See? Problem solved. Feel better?

M-  
EMMETT: I will in a couple of minutes.  
~a few more hours later~  
EMMETT: Hmm.. We didn't destroy anything. That's a first.

K-  
ROSE: See? Told you it would be okay.

M-  
EMMETT: ~laughs and then hears a knock on the door and quickly gets dressed and goes to the door  
and opens it~

K-  
ROSE: Who is it, Emmett?

M-  
Girl: Hi, um, I heard some crashing noises over here and I was just making sure everything is okay.  
~glances up at Emmett, and blushes~  
EMMETT: Yeah. Everything is fine. I was just.. looking for something and I dropped something.

K-  
ROSE: *is dressed* Yeah, He's really clumsy. He tripped. It's ok.

M-  
EMMETT: ~coughs and looks away~  
Girl: ~realizes that she intperupted something and blushes even more~ Oh. OH!!! I'M SORRY!! I  
DIDN'T MEAN TO!! I WAS JUST WORRIED AND I THOUGHT SOMEBODY GOT HURT  
AND- ~runs away terrified~  
EMMETT: ~starts laughing hysterically~ We just mortified that girl for life!!

K-  
ROSE: We do tend to have that effect on people, don't we? *laughs with him*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~keeps laughing and wraps his arms around Rose~ It's what we do best.

K-  
ROSE: No, silly, it's what YOU do best. My talent has always been looking better than everyone else.

M-  
EMMETT: Oh fine!! But you know you like to join me sometimes. ~smirks~

K-  
ROSE: *teases* Only sometimes.  
*looks out the window* Emmett, look, it's snowing!  
M-  
EMMETT: ~looks out the window and squeezes her hand~ Beautiful.  
~they hear another knock on the door and Emmett answers it~  
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Hello. I have been told that there have been some complaints about crashing  
noises in here for hours.  
EMMETT: I was just looking for something.

K-  
ROSE: Yes. And he tripped. Clumsy, you know. Really, there's no problem.

M-  
EMMETT: ~bites his lip to stop his laughter~  
HOTEL EMPLOYEE: Well, if you don't mind, could you please be a little more cautious? People are  
trying to sleep.  
EMMETT: Of course. ~slams door in his face~ Just for that, I should be even "clumsier."

K-  
ROSE: Tempting. But I have a better idea. *runs outside*

M-  
EMMETT: ~follows her~ What?

K-  
ROSE: *throws a huge snowball at his face and hides behind a tree*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~finds her and shakes the tree so all the snow falls on her, but Emmett too and starts  
laughing~ You look like an abdomional snowman!

K-  
ROSE: YOU. GOT. SNOW. IN. MY. HAIR!  
YOU'RE IN FOR IT NOW, MISTER! *launches the both of them into a snowbank*

M-  
EMMETT: I don't think that's helping your hair problem, Rose.

K-  
ROSE: Yeah, well, it's a lost cause. *throws more snow*

M-  
EMMETT: HA HA!! ~throws a bunch of snowballs at her~

K-  
ROSE: *isn't even bothering with snowballs anymore, she's just kicking snow*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~collapses in the snow~ Wow. How old are we?

K-  
ROSE: Too old to care! *collapses beside him*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~takes her hand~ People are going to be wondering if we're freezing to death probably. Oh  
well.

K-  
ROSE: Let them wonder. Who cares? It's just us. It's not like we know anyone here anyways.

M-  
MIKE THE BUS DRIVER: THERE YOU ARE!!! ~waddles over to Emmett and Rose~ I FOUND  
YOU!! EDWARD TOLD ME TO COME HERE TO KEEP AN EYE ON YOU!! I KNOCKED  
ON YOUR DOOR, BUT THERE WAS NO ANSWER!!! NO REPECT!!!! YOU MUST  
ANSWER WHEN SOMEBODY KNOCKS ON THE DOOR!!! YOU HEAR ME!?!?!? NO, YOU  
DON'T!! BECAUSE YOU'RE GOD DAMN CHILDREN!!

K-  
ROSE: *stares in disbelief but gets over it and is immediately irritated.* Look, buddy, I don't know  
what your issue is, but we didn't answer the door because we weren't in our room, okay??? I's a little  
hard to open a door when you AREN'T THERE!  
M-  
MIKE: JUST LISTEN TO YOU!!!! NO RESPECT!!! BACK IN MY DAY, I WOULD HAVE MY  
MOUTH CLEANED OUT A THOUSAND TIMES OVER JUST BY SAYING SUCH CRUEL  
THINGS!! I'M CALLING EDWARD!! ~takes out his phone and calls Edward. Sad but true: mike  
has edward's cell # on his cell. And it's on speed dial!~  
EMMETT: NO!!! ~leaps for him and grabs the phone from his hand and tosses it to Rose~

K-  
ROSE: *tosses it in a snow covered tree so that if it were to fall it would still at least be soaked*

M-  
MIKE: GIVE MY PHONE BACK THIS INSTANT, DAMNIT!!! YOU STUPID KIDS!!! NO  
REPECT FOR YOUR ELDERS!!!  
EMMETT: WHO ARE YOU CALLING ELDER!?!?!?!? I JUST SO HAPPEN TO BE- ~stops  
talking~  
MIKE: YOU WERE SAYING...?

K-  
ROSE: He... Happens to be beyond his years in wisdom! Yeah, you heard me right!  
Look, can you please tell Edward we aren't coming home right now? And we are quite old enough to  
not have any need for a baby sitter!  
M-  
MIKE: IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT I WANTED TO COME HERE ANYWAY!!! I DON'T  
TRUST YOU DAMN KIDS!!! AFTER THOSE KIDS STOLE MY LUNCH MONEY AND  
MADE ME SIT BY MYSELF AS A CHILD, I STARTED TO HATE ALL KIDS. NOW I MAKE  
THEM RUN FOR THE BUS!

K-  
ROSE: *whispers* Emmett!!! We have to get rid of this loser! It's no wonder kids stole his lunch  
money! I would too! HE'S TICKING ME OFF!

M-  
EMMETT: ~sits next to her and wraps her arms around her to make it look like they're hugging and not  
talking, and whsipers in her ear~ We'll distract him and while he's distracted, we split and make a run  
for it.  
MIKE: NO PDA!!!!  
EMMETT: SHE'S MY WIFE!! SHUT THE F*** UP!

K-  
ROSE: *still whispering* How should we distract him? I could throw a snowball... *looks doubtful*

M-  
EMMETT: No.. ~looks around~ I have an idea, but you might hate it ~whispers in her ear~  
MIKE: STOP TELLING SECRETS!! I KNOW YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME!

K-  
ROSE: *discretely nods at Emmet while trying not to openly gag at his suggestion. She turns and gives  
Mike her most innocent stare, walks towards him, and starts playing with his collar*  
Why, Mike, we would NEVER say anything about you! A Handsome man such as your self should not  
be so insecure.  
*does a hair flip and flutters her eyelashes while resisting the urge to barf*

M-  
MIKE: ~blushes a lot~ WELL, UM, YOU DAMN KIDS JUST HAVE NO RESPECT.. ~loses train  
of thought~  
EMMETT: ROSE!!! ARE YOU SEIROUSLY HITTING ON HIM IN FRONT OF ME!?!?!?!?  
~winks at her when Mike isn't looking at him~ ROSE, I AM PISSED AT YOU!! ~pretends to stomp  
away angrliy and obviously wants Rose to follow him~  
MIKE: THERE, DARLING!!! NOW WE ARE FINALLY ALONE!!! ~wraps his arm around Rose~

K-  
ROSE: *leans far from him and closes her eyes hard, then quickly remembers her charade and turns  
back to him, making an effort to smile a wide, dazzling smile* Oh, how lovely! (*silent gag*) But, it  
seems I have left my purse in my room. Will you wait here while I go and get it?  
M-  
MIKE: OF COURSE!!! I WILL WAIT UNTIL THE SUN EXPLODES AND WE ARE ALL  
DUST!!!  
EMMETT: ~is already back at their room, laughing hysterically~

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! I WILL POSSIBLY NEVER FORGIVE YOU FOR THAT! *punches his arm  
and laughs with him*  
Now what are we going to do? He's gonna come looking eventually, you know. And now he thinks I  
want to like, elope or something!

M-  
EMMETT: Oh, you'll forgive me!!! ~kisses her~ I'm sure you just did. ~laughs some more~ But you  
have to admit, that was a priceless moment!! He's probably going to stand there for hours and then  
realize that you're not coming back! Awww. Can I be one of your bridesmaid? ~plays with a piece of  
her hair~

K-  
ROSE: *punches him again* Only if Alice gets to dress you and do your makeup!

M-  
EMMETT: Hmm. Well, then I'd have to be your maid of honor. I don't think he'd be too happy if I  
stole you though and I was being "clumsy" with you. He would "not approve."

K-  
ROSE: What DOES that man approve of? Other than me? Leave it to Edward to find and befriend  
these people...

M-  
EMMETT: I'm sure they hang out all the time. I can actually picture Edward and Mike having matching  
bowling shirts and they go bowling together.

K-  
ROSE: OH, DEAR GOD, NO!!!! *tries to erase mental image but is horribly unsuccessful as it grows  
more and more detailed*

M-  
EMMETT: I could put another image in your head!! ~whsipers some gross things in her ear~

K-  
ROSE: Oh lala. Mike would not approve. *wags finger in Emmett's face*

M-  
EMMETT: No! I know you would though! ~starts laughing again and pictures Rose marrying a 50-  
year-old bus driver~

K-  
ROSE: *sticks her tongue out* So what do you want to do? I don't want to hide in here forever!

M-  
EMMETT: I can't think of anything. He's probably just going to be in the same spot where you left him.  
You have anything in mind?

K-  
ROSE: No. Do you?

M-  
EMMETT: No. But I can think of something. ~grabs her by the hand and leads her in the direction of  
his jeep~  
VIOLET: ~is in the main lobby on a couch and sees Emmett and Rose~ Where are you guys going!?  
EMMETT: I don't know. Anywhere!  
VIOLET: Can I come!?  
EMMETT: F*** NO!!!!

K-  
ROSE: *stiffens at the sound of her voice and turns to face her and tries to act (somewhat) civil*  
Violet? Can you do us a favor? Spare us the begging.  
*mumbles* Please.

M-  
VIOLET: ~begs anyway~ BUT I WANNA GO!!

K-  
ROSE: *Is trying super hard not to lose it and speaks through clenched teeth* But Violet, we said NO.

M-  
EMMETT: ~is about to lose it again~ GO. AWAY.  
VIOLET: Fine. ~sighs and gets up and walks upstairs to her room~  
EMMETT: ~continues to go to the jeep, holds Rose's door open, makes sure she's in and then shuts  
the door and walks to the driver's side and starts the car~

K-  
ROSE: Where are you taking me?  
M-  
EMMETT: I haven't really figured that part out. ~keeps driving and looks over at all the shops on the  
street and accidentally runs over a squirrel~ OH SH**!!! WHAT WAS THAT!?!?

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, relax, it was just a little animal. Are you okay?

M-  
EMMETT: NO!! I JUST KILLED A POOR, DEFENCELESS CREATURE!!!  
K-  
ROSE: Emmet, calm down! It's not like we don't kill other animals to eat them!

M-  
EMMETT: I KNOW.. BUT THAT'S WHEN I CAN'T HELP IT!!!! BUT THIS TIME- POOR,  
POOR MR. SQUIRREL. I BET HE HAD A FAMILY TOO!!!

K-  
ROSE: *is shocked* Emmett, what's your issue??? It's a squirrel! They run out into roads and get hit. It  
happens all the time!

M-  
EMMETT: I DON'T KNOW!!! EDWARD AND HIS FEMININE TOUCH HAVE TAKEN MY  
MANLINESS AWAY FROM ME!!!! WHAT SHOULD I DO!?!?

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! SNAP OUT OF IT! *slaps him on the face*  
I'M SORRY HUN! IT'S OUT OF LOVE, YOU KNOW!

M-  
EMMETT: NO!!! KEEP DOING IT!! I NEED TO TOUGHEN UP!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: *squeezes her eyes shut and continues to slap Emmett*  
M-  
~a few minutes later~  
EMMETT: WHO GIVES A F*** ABOUT DEAD SQUIRRELS!?!? ~PAUSES~ I DO..!!!  
ROSE!!! KEEP DOING IT!!! IT'S ALMOST THERE!!!!

K-  
ROSE: I DON'T WANT TO ANYMORE!!! THERE HAS TO BE A BETTER WAY!

M-  
EMMETT: I KNOW!!! ~slams on the gas and rushes to a random spot in the woods, gets out and  
starts beating the crap out of trees, using it as his punching bag~

K-  
ROSE: *stares as a tree gets so beaten up that it falls over* Is it working?

M-  
EMMETT: YES!! IT ACTUALLY IS!!! ~keeps beating it up~

K-  
ROSE: *watches as another tree falls* Watch it, Em! that one nearly hit the jeep!  
M-  
EMMETT: Okay. I'm good!! ~sees a squirrel and stomps on it and doesn't give a crap~ I DON'T  
CARE!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: That's nice, hun. *pats him on the back then takes his hand and leads him back to the jeep.*  
So, where were we going?  
M-  
EMMETT: ~sits down in the driver's seat and leaves the door open so he can scrape his shoe off of the  
squirrel so it doesn't get all over the car~ I was thinking that we could go to- ~his cell phone starts  
ringing~ Didn't I turn that off? ~checks and sees that it's Alice and he picks up~ What, Alice?  
ALICE: EDWARD AND I HAD A GENIUS IDEA!!!  
EMMETT: ~hangs up phone~  
~a few seconds later, Alice calls back~  
ALICE: WHAT WAS THAT FOR!?  
EMMETT: You said Edward's name. It was a reflex to hang up.  
ALICE: Okay. FINE! ANYWAY, I had a genius idea!  
EMMETT: ~sighs~ What, Alice?  
ALICE: YOU AND ROSALIE SHOULD COME HOME DRESSED AT SANTA CLAUS AND  
MRS. CLAUS!  
EMMETT: NO WAY IN HELL ARE YOU MAKING ME DO THAT SH**!!!!!!  
ALICE: BUT, IT WOULD BE NICE FOR RENESME!  
EMMETT: NO, ALICE!!!

K-  
ROSE: But, but... But Alice, that means I'll have to look OLD. *shudders*

M-  
EMMETT: NO WAY IN HELL ALICE!!! I OBJECT!!!  
ALICE: OH, COME ON!!!

K-  
ROSE: Alice, did you not understand me? ME. OLD. NO WAY!!!

M-  
EMMETT: AND I DON'T GIVE A F***ING F*** ABOUT MAKING ANYBODY,  
ESPECIALLY EDWARD, HAPPY!!!  
ALICE: BA HUM BUG, EMMETT!!! Can't you at least try to make it through the holidays!?  
EMMETT: YES I WILL. IF ROSE IS WITH ME AND NOWHERE NEAR CRAZY PEOPLE  
LIKE YOURSELF!!!  
JASPER: ~picks up another phone in the house and starts talking in it~ MY HAIR AND I WOULD  
APPRECIATE IT IF YOU WOULD COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS!!!  
EMMETT: DON'T MAKE ME DO WHAT I DID TO EDWARD, JASPER!!! I CAN FIND  
ELECTRICITY!!!!

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, it's ok. We'll go home for Christmas together. I'll be there. You know it'll be more  
trouble than its worse if we don't go. BUT HEAR ME OUT ALICE! I WILL NOT COME HOME  
DRESSED LIKE AN OLD LADY IN POLYESTER!!! DO YOU GOT ME?

M-  
ALICE: FINE. THEN PERSUADE EMMETT. PLEASE ROSE. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE  
PLEASE PLEASE!?!?!? IT WOULD BE ADORABLE!! And I know how much the whole family  
would like it!!!  
EMMETT: THERE'S NO WAY IN HELL THAT I'M GOING TO DRESS UP LIKE SOME FAT  
LARD AND SAY "HO HO HO!!" THAT STUPID PIECE OF S*** CAN GO SUCK IT!!!

K-  
ROSE: And I simply REFUSE to wear anything that makes me look old and matronly!!!

M-  
EMMETT: WE'LL COME HOME FOR THE HOLIDAYS, BUT I'M NOT DRESSING UP AS  
SANTA!!!  
ALICE: PLEASE, ROSE!!!! PLEASE!!! HELP ME OUT ON THIS ONE!!

K-  
ROSE: ALICE! I DON'T WANT TO EITHER!!! WHY DO WE HAVE TO??

M-  
ALICE: FINE!!! YOU DON'T HAVE TO DRESS UP!!! BUT PLEASE, MAKE EMMETT DRESS  
UP!!!  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!  
ALICE: ROSE, THINK OF RENESMEE!!! SHE'LL BE SO HAPPY WHEN SANTA WALKS  
THROUGH THE DOOR, BARING GIFTS!! JUST THINK ABOUT IT!!!  
EMMETT: NO WAY IN HELL, WOMAN!

K-  
ROSE: *ponders over how happy it would make Renesme* You know, Emmett, she only has so many  
Christmases left before she stops believing in Santa... It would be kinda... Sweet... And you are her  
Uncle, after all. *Starts rubbing his hand to try to keep his inevitable rage in check*  
Please, Emmett? For me???  
*Batts eyes innocently*

M-  
EMMETT: HELL NO!! ~walks away angrily~  
ALICE: Rose, you must persuade him!! PLEASE!! It will make Nessie so happy and you know that!!!  
Please!! Just think about it!! Oh, and be here in a few hours!! ~hangs up~

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, can't we just talk about this? It would only be for a little while, and then we can come  
right back if you want! And I LOVE a man in a suit.  
Please, Emmett?

M-  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! THERE'S NO POSSIBLE WAY THAT YOU CAN MAKE  
ME DO THIS!!!!

K-  
ROSE: Really?  
I'll do anything! And you should want to! She's your niece, Emmett!  
*Sighs when she can tell he isn't going to budge*  
What if I told you we could play Parcheesi after?

M-  
EMMETT: NO!!!! NOT EVEN PARCHEESI ROSE!!!! NOT EVEN PARCHEESI!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: *is shocked but quickly gets over it*  
Emmett, I'm going with or without you. Please don't make me go by myself! *tries to hug him*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~is too weak to fight her off~ FINE, BUT WE'RE PLAYING PARCHEESI NOW!!!  
~few hours later~  
EMMETT: ~comes baracading through the Cullen's door, dressed as Santa, with a toy back slung over  
his shoulder~ HO HO HO!!! MERRRYYYYY CHRISTMAS!!!! ~thinks: Edward. You're A  
F***ING A**WIPE, YOU KNOW THAT A**HOLE!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!? I'M GOING TO KILL YOU  
TONIGHT EDWARD. JUST WAIT FOR IT!!!~

K-  
EDWARD: *smiles and nods at Emmett*  
LOOK RENESME! LOOK AT WHO IT IS! IT'S SANTA, NESSIE! *gasps* LOOK AT ALL  
THOSE TOYS, SWEETIE! WHY DON'T YOU GO TELL HIM WHAT YOU WANT?  
RENESME: *reaches for Emmett/Santa's cheek*

M-  
EMMETT: ~sits down in a chair, fakes a smile and pulls renemee in his lap and thinks: Edward Cullen.  
You are a dead man walking. I'M GOING TO F**ING KILL YOU, YOU F***ING A**HOLE!! I  
BET YOU MADE F***ING ALICE F***ING DO THIS TO ME, YOU F***ING B****  
WHOR* FA* PIECE OF S*** THAT'S A F***ING PIECE OF S***. YOU GOT THAT!?!?!?~  
HO HO HO!!! What do you want for Christmas, little girl? ~thinks: AND WHY COULDN'T  
F***ING JASPER OR F***ING CARLISLE DRESS UP!?!?!?! ARE YOU TRYING TO  
F***ING TORTURE ME!?!? I BET YOU ARE, WORTHLESS PIECE OF F***ING PIECE OF  
S***!!!!!~

K-  
EDWARD: *his smile teeters between a grin and a grimmace and he is infinitely thankful that Renesme  
can project thoughts rather than read them*  
RENESME: *touches Emmetts cheek to show him a memory of Bella reading her Harry Potter*  
EDWARD: Oh, Emmett! She wants Harry Potter! That's Daddy's little girl! Harry Potter is a wonderful  
story Nessie! That boy is such a gentleman! Oh, just you wait, Sweetie! I shall read it to you every  
night! *would cry from joy and pride if he could*

M-  
EMMETT: ~thinks: YOU F***ING WHOR*!!!!! YOU F***ING A**WIPE SH**FACED  
A**HOLE!!! YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I F***ING HATE THAT SERIES!!! IT'S A BUNCH  
OF F***ING A**HOLES WHO ARE NEVER GOING TO GET LAID!!! AND HARRY!! I  
KNOW HE'S GAY!!! YOU CAN SO F***ING TELL WITH RON AND HIM!! THEY'RE  
PROBABLY GOING AROUND, FROLICKING THROUGH F***ING FLOWERS!!! THEY  
F***ING DO EVERYTHING TOGETHER!!! EVEN HAVE S*X!!! F***ING F***ERS!!!!~ OH  
HO HO!!! Well, you're in luck. ~pulls something out of his bag and hands it to renesmee. (yes it is  
harry potter)~ This is our last one! And for you only! ~thinks: YOU. ARE. A F***ING. A**WIPE.  
A**HOLE!!!!~

K-  
EDWARD: *struggles to control his increasing anger at Emmett's thoughts and clenches his fists*  
BELLA: *is oblivious to the whole thing and is gushing over Renesme* Oh, How NICE! Nessie, tell  
Santa thank you! And don't you have something to give him, too?  
RENESME: *grins and slides off Emmett's lap and comes back with a big plate of Cookies and a glass  
of milk and holds it out for Emmett*

M-  
EMMETT: THANK YOU, LITTLE GIRL!! ~takes it from her~ Well, Santa must be on his way  
now!!! I'm a very busy guy, you know!! ~gives Renesmee a quick kiss on the cheek, gets up and glares  
at Edward and thinks: you're coming with me, a**hole!!! and walks to the forest~

K-  
EDWARD: *meets him out in the woods* EMMETT, THAT WAS DESPICABLE! SUCH  
DEPLORABLE LANGUAGE I HAVE NEVER HEARD! AND I HOPE YOU PLAN ON  
EATING THOSE COOKIES! RENESME, BELLA, AND I SPENT ALL DAY MAKING  
THOSE!

M-  
EMMETT: OH, I KNOW WHERE THEY GO!!! ~dumps the milk all over him and then crumbles the  
cookies and throws it at him~ WHY COULDN'T F***ING JASPER OR F***ING CARLISLE DO  
IT!?!?!? HUH!?!?!???!! YOU'RE A SCAG HAG!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *Mouth opens and closes as he watches all of his precious daughter's hard work fall to the  
ground in minuscule pieces*  
EMMETT! THOSE TOOK ALL DAY, YOU FOOL! NO RESPECT! NONE! YOU WERE THE  
ONLY ONE WHO COULD MAKE A CONVINCING SANTA, EMMETT! THE SANTA SUIT  
FITS YOU BEST AND YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO CAN EAT COOKIES!  
OH DEAR, I AM INCREDIBLY SORRY! I SHOULD NOT HAVE CALLED YOU A FOOL! I  
AM A MONSTER! A MONSTER!!!

M-  
EMMETT: YOU'RE RIGHT!!! YOU SHOULDN'T. BECAUSE NOW, I'M GUNNA KICK  
YOUR A** TWO TIMES HARDER!! ~grabs his collar, lifts  
him up and throws him down on the ground then drags him to the river and dunks his head in the water  
several times~

K-  
EDWARD: *gurgles as he struggles to yell underwater and get away* EMMETT! LET ME GO! THIS  
IS NOT ACCEPTABLE BEHAVIOR FOR A CENTURY OLD VAMPIRE! FATHER!!!  
FATHER!!!! HE HAS GONE CRAZY! FATHER!!!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~picks him out of the water and throws him into the trees and takes off his Santa clothes~  
GOD DAMNIT!!! I FORGOT TO WEAR CLOTHES UNDERNEATH THESE!! ~is only in his  
boxers~ Whatever. ~walks back to the house and walks through the front door~  
ALICE: EMMETT!! Put some clothes on!!!

K-  
ROSE: *stares* What happened to you??  
EDWARD: *bursts through the door and is sopping wet* EMMETT!!! THIS IS NOT A GOOD  
SHOW OF CHRISTMAS SPIRIT, EMMETT! WHERE ARE YOU? EMMETT!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is already in his room getting changed~ Edward sexually harassed me and took my clothes  
off!!! You're not Michael Jackson, Edward!!

K-  
EDWARD: I DID NO SUCH THING! WHY MUST YOU LIE, EMMETT?? WHY??? IF YOU  
MUST KNOW, ROSALIE, YOUR HUSBAND HERE THREW A TANTRUM AND THREW ME  
AND HIS SANTA SUIT INTO THE RIVER! AND AS IF THAT WASN'T ENOUGH, HE HAD  
TO THROW ME INTO A BUNCH OF TREES! IT'S NOT OK, EMMETT! THIS IS  
UNACCEPTABLE! NOT RESPECT! NONE!!!  
ESME: *is appalled* Emmett, is this true?

M-  
EMMETT: NO!! STOP IT!! GET OUT OF MY ROOM!!! ESME, EDWARD'S TRYING TO  
SEXUALLY HARASS ME AGAIN!! GET OUTTA MY ROOM!!! STOP TRYING TO "MAKE  
THE MOVES" ON ME, EDWARD!!! I'VE SEEN THE TAPES!!! I'VE SEEN MICHAEL  
JACKSON MOLEST LITTLE BOYS!!! GET OUT!!!  
ALICE: ~sees what the commotion is all about and sees Emmett, who is still half naked, wrestling  
Edward~ OH MY GOODNESS!! ~puts her hands over her eyes, runs out of the room, down the hall  
and falls down the stairs~  
JASPER: ~sees the same thing as Alice~ OH MY GOODNESS!!! ~covers his eyes and runs out of  
the room, down the hallway and falls down the stairs~

K-  
ESME: BOYS, THAT'S ENOUGH!!! *pries them apart*  
EDWARD: *bows his head in shame* I AM SORRY, MOTHER! I SHOULD KNOW BETTER!  
BUT I AM A MONSTER! A MONSTER!!! I SHALL LOCK MYSELF IN MY ROOM FOR THE  
REST OF THE HOLIDAY SEASON!

M-  
EMMETT: ESME, I SHOULD PRESS CHARGE AGAINST HIM!!! HE SEXUALLY  
ASSAULTED ME!!! I HAVE IT ALL ON TAPE!!! ~points to a camera~ EDWARD, PEOPLE  
LIKE YOU GO TO JAIL FOR THIS S***!!!!! THIS ISN'T THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT,  
EDWARD!!! WHAT WOULD YOUR PRECIOUS BELLA SAY ABOUT THIS!?!?!?!!?

K-  
EDWARD: YOU'RE MEAN! *runs from the room wailing*  
ESME: YOU JUST HAD TO GO THERE, DIDN'T YOU EMMETT! WE ARE A FAMILY! THIS  
IS NOT HOW A LOVING FAMILY ACTS! I WANT YOU TO GO APOLOGIZE! NOW!

M-  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! HE'S A RAPIST WHO SHOULD BE THROWN IN JAIL  
LIKE PEE WEE HERMAN!!!!! I UNDERSTAND THAT HE'S GAY AND ALL, AND I'M FLY  
WITH THAT, BUT EDWARD, I AM HAPPILY MARRIED AND DON'T WANT TO "GET  
JIGGY" WITH YOU!!!!

K-  
ESME: WHY MUST YOU SAY THESE THINGS ABOUT YOUR BROTHER, EMMETT? HE IS  
A VERY SENSITIVE BOY! NO, I FORBID YOU TO SAY SUCH THINGS ABOUT EDWARD,  
EMMETT! NOW GO APOLOGIZE! BEFORE I GET YOUR FATHER!  
M-  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!!  
ALICE-JASPER: ~are all tangled up from their encounter with the stairs when Jasper landed on Alice~  
JASPER: CAREFUL WITH THE HAIR, LOVE!!!  
ALICE: I CAN'T HELP IT JASPER!!! IT'S EATING ME!!! ~has a lot of hair in her mouth~

K-  
ESME: CHRISTMAS IS SUPPOSED TO BE FUN, EMMETT! *is getting quite angry and points to  
the door* GO MAKE THIS RIGHT, EMMETT! NOW!

M-  
EMMETT: FINE!!! ~goes down the hallway, but instead of going to Edward's room, he flies down the  
hall way and separates Alice and Jasper~ THERE!!  
ALICE: O-oh!! ~is tacken aback because she isn't used to having Emmett doing nice things~ Thank  
you, Emmett!!  
JASPER: My hair and I thank you, as well. Not a strand out of place.

K-  
ESME: EMMETT, YOU KNOW THAT ISN'T WHAT I MEANT!

M-  
EMMETT: NO I DON'T, ESME!!! I'M STOOOOOOOPIDDDDDDDDDDDD!!!!  
ALICE: ~sighs and rolls her eyes~ Just apologize to Edward so we can all go on with our lives. This  
will never end if you don't apologize, Emmett. You know that.  
EMMETT: Yes, but Rose and I will be gone in a few hours, so I don't think I need to-  
CARLISLE: Emmett, in order for you and Rosalie to go away again, I must ask you to kindly apologize  
to your brother.  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NOT!! THIS IS BULLS***!!!! I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO  
APOLOGIZE TO THAT PIECE OF S***!!!!!

K-  
ESME: EMMETT! MIND YOUR FATHER! OR YOU WILL BE GROUNDED!

M-  
EMMETT: I DON'T GIVE A F***!!! I AM ALMOST A CENTURY OLD!!!!!!! ~storms angrily out  
of the house, goes to his jeep, finds a can of beer in the back seat and downs the whole thing in 5  
seconds and crumples it up and throws it at Edward's window~

K-  
EDWARD: *can hits his head and messes up his hair. Picks up the beer can and knows that it was  
Emmett*  
EMMETT, LEAVE ME TO HEAL IN PEACE!  
ESME: EMMETT MCCARTY CULLEN! GET BACK HERE THIS INSTANT!

M-  
EMMETT: NO! ~runs away from the house~  
ALICE: What. An. Idiot.  
JASPER: Yes, he wishes that he has amazing hair like I do.

K-  
ESME: EMMETT! COME BACK! WE ARE A FAMILY!!! *can see that it is no use* Rose, dear,  
can you go after him please?  
ROSE: I do not think--  
ESME: Please, Rose?  
ROSE: Fine. *Starts running in Emmett's direction* EMMETT!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is far away from her at this point~  
ALICE: He really is an idiot.  
JASPER: Yes, and his hair!! If only I could do something with it. It would look so better!!  
ALICE: ~pats his hand~ There there. You know he will hurt you severely if you lay one finger on him.

K-  
EDWARD: *comes out from hiding now that Emmett is gone* You know, Jazz, I have always admired  
your hair. Care to style mine?  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: *is still trying to catch up to Emmett* EMMETT! IT'S ME!!! WHERE DID YOU GO?  
DON'T YOU DARE LEAVE ME WITH THESE PEOPLE, EMMETT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~sighs and stops running~ Over here Rose.  
JASPER: ~is gushing~ OF COURSE!!!! ~takes him by the hand and runs to the bathroom~ Now, the  
key to a fantasic hair style is a lot of gel!! ~takes a bottle of hair gel and squeezes all of its contents out  
of the bottle and starts working it into Edward's hair~ VIOLA! ~the hairstyle looks exactly like  
Jasper's, all greasy and crap~ YOU. LOOK. FABULOUS!!!

K-  
EDWARD: WOW, JAZZ! THIS IS SIMPLY FANTASTIC! I MUST GET SOME OF THIS GEL  
STUFF YOU SPEAK OF! OH, JUST WAIT TILL BELLA SEES HOW FIERCE I LOOK! *goes  
downstairs to show off his look to the whole family*  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: Oh! There you are! Em, why don't we go back, please? I know you don't want to, but. Still.  
You're breaking Esme's heart.

M-  
ALICE: OH EDWARD!!! YOU LOOK JUST LIKE MY JAZZY!!! YOU LOOK SO  
HANDSOME!!!! ~tries to touch his hair but there's so much gel on there, she just pulls a glob of gel  
from his head~ EDWARD, YOU LOOK SO FIERCE!!! ~does the finger wiggle~ I THINK YOU  
SHOULD GO ONTO AMERICA'S NEXT TOP MODEL!! THAT TYRA BANKS WOULD  
LOVE YOU!!  
~in the forest~  
EMMETT: ~has mysteriously obtained another beer and is drinking it~ NO! He's such a sissy, that little  
turd. And if I go back, Esme will force me to apologize!! Which I'm not.

K-  
EDWARD: DO YOU REALLY THINKS SO? *Esme walks in the room and he does a spin for her  
benefit* WHAT DO YOU THINK, MOTHER? JASPER DID IT FOR ME! ISN'T IT  
WONDERFUL?  
ESME: *is beaming, she is just glad that he is no longer depressed* Of course, I love it dear. You can  
pull anything off, really! You are so handsome, son!  
*aside to jasper in a whisper* Exactly how much product did you put into his hair, dear?  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: *in a warning voice* Emmett. *places her hand on the hand with the beer can in it* Please.  
What harm can come of it, Emmett? We can just leave after. Wouldn't that be nice?

M-  
JASPER: I thought I would start him off with just one bottle. I usually put 3 in mine!! That's how it's so  
shiny and full of volume! ~does a hair toss, and a blue steel look~  
~forest~  
EMMETT: No, Rose. I'm sorry, but I had my share of the craziness for the day.~takes another sip and  
then throws it at a deer that's in the forest, splashing the deer with beer. The deer starts to lick the beer  
off itself and a few moments later, it somehow gets drunk and starts ramming into trees~

K-  
ESME: Oh-oh.. Okay. Well. *clears throat* I'm just going to...wash my hands. *voice trails off as she  
slowly backs from the room and leaves*  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: Oh, hun, don't be like that, I-- *breaks off mid sentence to stare in wonder at the deer* Um,  
Emmett? What, exactly, is in that beer?


	4. Chapter 4: Deer, Hair, and Family bonds

M-  
~other deer start licking that deer and start getting drunk too and ramming into trees~  
EMMETT: Oh, I put some of my strongest stuff in there. If we were human, one sip of that and you  
would be drunk. I call it "F***, I'M DRUNK ALREADY!?!?!?" I have another one. ~pulls a flask  
from his pocket and gives it to her~

K-  
ROSE: Em, you know I don't drink. Can't drink. *continues to stare at the deer as they begin to knock  
some of the smaller trees over* You know, I think we may have created a new breed of deer.  
*sighs and turns away from the deer* We have to go back Emmett. I promise we can leave right after.  
But we can't stay here.

M-  
EMMETT: Then let's make a getaway right now! ~looks at the deer and is amused by them~ YOU  
KNOW WHAT!!! I'M GOING TO CALL THIS STUFF "DRUNKEN DEER!!!" THAT'S  
PERFECT!!!

K-  
ROSE: *looks back in the direction of the house for a second, then decides she doesn't care. They'll go  
back later.* Okay. Let's go back to our hotel then. Unless you had somewhere else in mind?

M-  
EMMETT: Nah. I was just thinking of staying in the forest for the rest of the night. ~gets up and takes the flask from Rose and throws it at the deer, uncapped~ There. There's gunna be a party in the forest tonight.

K-  
ROSE: ABSOLUTELY NOT! It is disgusting out here! My hair will not do well in this humidity! And the stench of drunken deers is absolutely unbearable!*crosses her arms in defiance*

M-  
EMMETT: ~hugs her~ I'm just playing around with you, hun. Of course we're not staying here. ~looks  
at the drunken deer and sees that they are doing quite some damage to the forest~ We better get outta  
here. They might make a charge at us!

K-  
ROSE: We're invincible, remember? But yes, lets go! *runs out of the woods as quick as she possible  
can*

M-  
EMMETT: ~follows her and notices that the deer are chasing them so he runs faster~ THOSE DAMN  
DEER!! ~stops and picks up a few rocks and throws some at them and then keeps running~

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, don't bother. Listen, I have to go back and get the car. But you have to stay here for  
this to work, okay? Otherwise they won't let us go.

M-  
EMMETT: ~nods~ Be fast. The longer you stay there, the more sucked in you get to their craziness.

K-  
ROSE: *laughs* Don't worry, Emmett. I assure you my sanity is perfectly safe.  
*arrives home and is ambushed by Esme and the others*  
ESME: ROSE! You're back! What took you? And where is Emmett?  
ROSE: He's being stubborn. I'm going to need the car to get to him.  
ESME: Oh, but let one of us come with you! You will need our help if he is going to be that stubborn!  
ROSE: *tries to conceal her horror* Uh, well, no, that's ok. I mean, that will just make it worse. He  
does not wish to see ANYBODY.

M-  
ALICE: If he doesn't wish to see anybody, then why are you going to get him?  
JASPER: ~is showing Edward his "moves" on how to work the hair style~

K-  
ROSE: Well, um, he isn't coming back on his own, obviously. I just think, less is more in this case. He  
will be overwhelmed if we all came. So I think it should be just me. *begins looking for her keys*  
EDWARD: So wait, Jazz, I shake it like this? *bobs his head like a gangsta* and then flip it like this?  
*swishes his head around to make his hair flop* And then do a spin like this *twirls around* And then I  
give a thumbs up and a wink, like this? *does a really cheesy wink and nods his head while doing the  
thumbs up sign*

M-  
JASPER: ~claps and "cries"~ I AM SO PROUD OF YOU, EDWARD CULLEN!! YOU ARE ON  
YOUR WAY TO BEING A MASTER HAIR ARTIST, LIKE MYSELF!!!  
ALICE: But I don't think one person will really make that much of a difference. ~gets up~ I'll come.

K-  
EDWARD: *pretends the halways is a catwalk and practices his 'hair move'* BELLA, DEAR, WHAT  
DO YOU THINK?  
BELLA: *is mortified that he has ruined his previously glorious hair and pretends she does not hear  
him*  
ROSE: NO! I mean. Um. No thanks, Alice. That won't be necessary. He's my husband. I can handle  
this. *continues to busy herself by looking for her keys* Where are my keys? HAS ANYBODY  
SEEN MY KEYS???

M-  
ALICE: ~shakes Rose's car keys in her hands~ I'm coming with you Rose.  
JASPER: BELLA, HE ASKED YOU A QUESTION!! WHAT DID YOU THINK!?!?!?!?  
OHHHH, YOU COULD USE SOME GEL AS WELL!! ~gets a bottle of gel and spreads it all over  
Bella's hair, giving her a mohawk~ B-E-A-UTIFL!!!

K-  
ROSE: ALICE, No! Please don't! He'll get so mad! *is panicking* ALICE, WHEN I GET HIM TO  
COME BACK, I PROMISE WE'LL GO ON SHOPPING TRIPS EVERY NIGHT FOR A  
MONTH, OKAY? JUST LET ME DO THIS! *reaches for her keys*  
BELLA: *just barely contains her horror as her hair is styled into an unrecognizably state* Jasper,  
Really, this is so kind of you, but I'm not sure this look is for me. I'm more of a get up and go kind of  
person, you know? This is just too much work... *backs away in the direction of the shower*

M-  
JASPER: OKAY, OKAY!!! HOLD THE PHONE!!! ~grabs her by the hand and does a different  
hairstyle, in which this time, somwhow her hair is wavy/curly and has a bow in her hair~  
ALICE: ~sigh~ Fine. ~realeses the car keys~ But I'm holding you to your word!! ~looks at Bella's  
hair~ Jazz, how did you manage to do that!? It's beautiful!!!  
CARLISLE: I believe that he said that he is, may I quote the "hair artist." What a gift you have Jasper!  
Splendid!

K-  
EDWARD: I DARESAY WE ARE THE BEST LOOKING COUPLE OUT THERE, BELLA,  
LOVE!  
BELLA: *would blush if she could*  
ESME: *beams at her family* OF COURSE MY CHILDREN ARE BEAUTIFUL! *hugs Bella and  
Edward* I AGREE CARLISLE, JASPER HAS A MOST WONDERFUL TALENT!  
ROSE: HUMPH! *mutters something about Edward and Bella being the 'best looking freaks, maybe'  
and jumps in the car and speeds out of the garage at about 10x the legal speed limit*  
M-  
JASPER: OH, HOW MY HEART, IF I HAD ONE, LEAPS FOR JOY!! I AM SO HAPPY THAT  
YOU ENJOY IT SO!!  
~meanwhile, back in the forest~  
EMMETT: ~is tackling all the deer to the ground because he got bored waiting for Rose~ AH HA  
HA!!! I KICK YOUR A**!!!! ~the deer tries to get up but Emmett tackles it again~ YOU ARE NO  
MATCH FOR ME, FOUL BEAST!!!

K-  
ROSE: *spots Emmett wrestling the deer and smiles* EM! STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR FOOD  
AND GET IN THE CAR!

M-  
EMMETT: HMM? ~is embarrassed that she caught him and quickly gets into the passenger's seat and  
closes the door~ Sorry you had to see that hun.

K-  
ROSE: Haha I don't mind, you know that. I'm just glad you were entertained while I was gone. Sorry I  
took so long. They all wanted to come with me.  
So, where are we going? Are we going back to the hotel? Or somewhere else?

M-  
EMMETT: ~mutters some things about the others being low lifes~ Let's see. ~thinks~ We could not go  
to the hotel, because you know who will be there. And no, I'm not talking about Voldemort. Even  
though that would be cool and scary at the same time.

K-  
ROSE: Yes, if we could avoid any run ins with Violet, that would be wonderful. But where else is there  
to go?  
M-  
EMMETT: I don't know. Were "they" thinking of going out tonight? Because if they are, we must aviod  
"them" at all costs.

K-  
ROSE: They didn't SAY anything about going out. Jasper was just doing everyone's hair. Did you  
know they're calling him a hair artist now? *scoffs*

M-  
EMMETT: JASPER!? A HAIR ARTIST!? YOU'VE GOT TO BE S***ING ME!!!! THAT'S A  
PIECE OF S***!!! I bet he said that mine looks like crap. ~rolls his eyes~  
~at the house~  
CARLISLE: Family, I think we should go out for some family bonding time!  
ALICE: I'm in!  
JASPER: My hair and I would appreciate that muchly.

K-  
ROSE: Well, Something like that. But I think you look wonderful, hun.  
~house~  
ESME: Absolutely, Carlisle. What fun!  
EDWARD: WHAT A SPLENDID IDEA! BELLA, DEAR, GO FETCH RENESME! WE SHALL  
HAVE A GRAND OLD TIME! SAY, WHERE RE WE GOING?

M-  
EMMETT: Same here!  
~house~  
CARLISLE: I have a splendid idea! We shall all go ice skating! It will be glorious!  
ALICE: What an excellent idea, Carlisle!

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, we can do anything! We have FREEDOM! What would you like to do?  
~house~  
ESME: Oh, that would be marvelous! I'll go grab everyone's skates!  
EDWARD: How magnificent! I must go grab my camera! This shall be Renesme's first time skating and  
I wish to document EVERY SECOND!  
*frolics off to get his camera*

M-  
EMMETT: They're probably off doing some g*y thing like ice skating, or something. Edward would be  
like, "OH, THIS WILL BE MARVALOUS! HOW DASHING!" And then they'll go ice skating where  
Jasper will obsess about his hair and Alice will agree to whatever Edward says.

K-  
ROSE: Yeah, that sounds like them. And Carlisle and Esme would be fawning over the whole family  
togetherness. Spare me my life!

M-  
EMMETT: No kidding!! 'Cept, we're not getting robbed by two men, but all the same.  
~at the ice rink~  
CARLISLE: ~is out on the skating rink, holding hands with Esme, talking to her~ Oh, I am most  
thirilled that our family is finally together!  
JASPER: I really hope the cold doesn't damage my hair too much!!  
ALICE: Yes, I agree Edward!! That is a really good picture of Renesmee!!

K-  
EDWARD: REALLY? I just wanted to get some shots of her before she even got on the ice. I want to  
document every twist of her shoelace as it is tied around her precious little foot!  
(To Nessie) SMILE FOR DADDY, SWEETIE! *clicks the camera like crazy*  
Oh, THIS ONE IF FOR THE SCRAP BOOK! LOOK AT THOSE LITTLE DIMPLES!  
ESME: Yes, Carlisle, this is simply wonderful! Look at how Happy they all are! I only wish Emmett  
and Rose could be here to enjoy this... *heavy sigh*

M-  
CARLISLE: Do not fret, dearest. I am sure that they are making the best use of their time right now.  
~meanwhile~  
EMMETT: ~makes a loud and long burp that lasts for 20 seconds and starts laughing~ THAT WAS  
AWSOME!

K-  
ROSE: *is torn between disgust and amusement, but decides to let her humor take over and laughs*  
YOU'VE GOT MAD SKILLZ, HONEY!  
~at the rink~  
EDWARD: *checks to make sure the new helmet and knee pads are fastened properly to Renesme  
and then takes his time stepping on to the ice, holding both her hands firmly* CAREFUL, NESSIE! IT  
IS VERY SLIPPERY! BELLA, DEAR, MAYBE YOU SHOULD GO BEHIND HER TO CATCH  
HER IN CASE SHE FALLS! I COULD NOT BEAR TO SEE MY LOVELY CHILD IN PAIN! IT  
WOULD HURT ME SO!

M-  
EMMETT: ~starts to beat box~ YOU KNOW WE GOT SKILLZ TILL THE NO TOMARRAH,  
ME N' ROSE HERE BEAT BOXIN' IN THE CAR-A! SO KEEP IT FRESH, N' KEEP IT REAL,  
AND NOW YOU KNOW THAT THIS IS OUR DEAL!!!! THAT WE ROCK, N' WE JAM, JUST  
LIKE JASPER'S HAIR, CAN I GET A "KA-BLAM!?!?!?"

K-  
ROSE: *mouth is hanging open*  
DAYUMMMM MY HUBBY IS KEEPIN IT REAL! *cough* I mean, uh, that was very creative,  
dear!

M-  
EMMETT: YOU KNOW I AM, SON. KEEPIN' IT REAL!! ~takes his right hand and pounds where  
his heart is twice and then makes a peace sign~

K-  
ROSE: *laughs* That's my MAN! So, where would 'my man' like to go today?  
~back at the rink~  
BELLA: Careful, Edward, dear. Not too fast.  
EDWARD: Of course not, Love. Ready Renesme? We're going to step on to the ice now. Be very,  
very careful! *shuts his eyes nervously as he begins to count down* Ready? 3... 2... 1... 3/4... 1/2...

M-  
EMMETT: Over the moon, for all I care. I'm just happy to be away from those lunatics.  
~at the rink~  
ALICE: Edward! Shutting your eyes is not going to help the situation! ~skates over very quickly to  
Edward and helps Renesmee onto the ice, making sure she does not fall~ There!  
JASPER: ~is still worrying about his hair~ OH NO!!! HONEY, IT'S STARING TO FREEZE!!!  
ALICE: And I'm off! ~heads over to where Jasper is and guides him off the ice rink~

K-  
ROSE: Me too! *smiles* would you just like to go for a drive and see where we end up? I can't think  
of anything to do around here  
~at the rink~  
EDWARD: THANK YOU, DEAR ALICE!  
(To Renesme) OKAY SWEETIE, NOW WE'RE GOING TO MOVE! VERY SLOWLY! OKAY?  
BELLA, DO YOU HAVE THE CAMERA? *a click from Bella's direction tells them yes* OKAY,  
READY? NESSIE? *Edward begins to skate slowly backwards while guiding Renesme forward and  
laughs with relief when she is not instantly knocked off balanced or impaled by her own skate* GOOD  
HEAVENS, WE'RE DOING IT! MOTHER! FATHER! NESSIE IS SKATING! LOOK AT US  
GO!!! *they are still skating at a snails pace*

M-  
EMMETT: That sounds nice. We could come up with more rapping jingles too.  
~rink~  
JASPER: MY POOR, POOR HAIR!!  
ALICE: ~pulls him into the bathroom of the ladies room and sticks his head under a blow dryer~  
There, hopefully, it will defrost!!  
An old granny: ~obviously can't see very well~ OH MY, HOW I LOVE YOUR HAIR, YOUNG  
THING!!!! I WISH I WAS YOU AGAIN!!!! ~obousively can't tell that Jasper is a GUY~

K-  
ROSE: Okay, We'll do that then. *twists her keys in the ignition and starts the car*  
~rink~  
ESME: *is still beaming at Edward when she hears panics about Jasper's hair and decides to go help*  
Be right Back, Carlisle, dear!  
*Pushes open the door to see Jasper and Alice talking to an elderly lady* Alice, Jasper, what ever are  
you doing in here?

M-  
OLD GRANDMA: I was just admiring on how pretty this girl is. Is this your daughter? She is very  
lovely.  
ALICE: ~is trying so hard not to burst out into laughter~  
JASPER: ~is sighing and rolling his eyes~

K-  
ESME: Er, Something like that. He-- I mean, She- is my adopted daughter. *is trying to go along with  
it so that the lady doesn't freak out* Come, Ladies. We are missed outside. *throws jasper a hat* To  
keep your hair warm, dear.

M-  
JASPER: HOW VERY CONSIDERATE OF YOU!!! ~puts the hat on, which turns out to be a  
sombrero~  
ALICE: ~whsipers to her mother~ Nice hat selection!!!  
JASPER: I'M GOING TO BE THE MOST STYLIST KID ON THE BLOCK!! EDWARD, LOOK  
AT MY HAT!!!!!!!!!

K-  
ESME: Glad you like it, dear. I thought it was very you.  
EDWARD: *is too tense to actually look up at jasper, because he is focusing too hard on Renesme*  
It's great Jazz! Really!  
Ready Renesme? Here comes the corner! HOLD ON TO DADDY! SLOW DOWN NESSIE!  
SLOW!!! *they are going so slow that other skaters are starting to get ticked off*

M-  
JASPER: EDWARD, LOOK AT MY HAT!!! IT'S SIMPLY LOVELY!!! WHY MUST YOU BE  
LIKE THIS!! ~quickly gets off the ice rink, sobbing into tears and goes inside the ladies room and sits  
on a toliet~  
ALICE: Edward, you know hoe sensitive he is to his hair!! JASPER!! ~gets off the ice rink and follws  
him into the ladies bathroom~ JASPER!! Sweetie, I love your hair!!  
JASPER: I COULDN'T SAY THE SAME ABOUT EDWARD!!!  
ALICE: ~finds the stall he's in and sees him on the toliet~ Aww. There there.

K-  
EDWARD: *finally stops skating and looks up in the direction of the ladies room but is completely  
confused* JASPER? STAY RIGHT HERE, NESSIE DARLING, DADDY WILL BE RIGHT  
BACK! I HAVE TO GO TALK TO YOUR UNCLE! *pats Renesme on the head before exiting the  
rink to go into the ladies room, where he is promptly ambushed by several women throwing their purses  
at him*  
MOB OF WOMEN: GET OUT OF HERE, CREEPER! CAN'T YOU READ THE SIGN,  
PERVERT? OUT! OUT!!!!  
EDWARD: ALICE! JASPER!!! *is dodging blows from a particularly large purse*

M-  
JASPER: ~is still sobbing~  
ALICE: Shh.. ~is stroking his head~  
JASPER: NO! I BET YOU HATE MY HAIR TOO!!  
ALICE: Jasper! Of course I don't! I think it is beautiful and it is a work of art!!  
JASPER: ~keeps sobbing~

K-  
EDWARD: *Continues to be pummeled as he tries to fight his way to Alice and Jasper through the  
mob* JASPER! WILL YOU AND YOUR HAIR COME OVER HERE AND SAVE ME?  
CRAZY CAT LADY IN THE MOB: *WHO'S JASPER, YOUR NEXT VICTIM? MOLESTER!!!!  
*wacks his head with a big purse embroidered with cats*  
EDWARD: NO!!! MY HAIR! THAT TOOK HOURS!

M-  
JASPER: SOMEBODY IS ATTACKING HIS HAIR!?!?!? I WILL SAVE THE DAY!!! ~comes  
crashing out of the bathroom stall~ NOBODY MESSES WITH THE "DO!!!" ~pushes all the ladies  
out of the room and locks the ladies room~  
ALICE: MY HUSBAND KICKS ASS!!!! ~ahem~ I mean, you rock honey!!

K-  
EDWARD: JASPER! I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH! MY HAIR MAY HAVE BEEN  
COMPLETELY RUINED HAD YOU NOT RESCUED ME! WHO KNEW CRAZY CAT  
LADIES WERE SO VICIOUS?  
SAY, THAT IS A WONDERFUL HAT!

M-  
JASPER: ~mumbles~ Yeah. Whatever. ~takes Alice and goes back to the ice skating rink and skates  
around with Alice, obousively trying to avoid Edward as much as he can~  
ALICE: How's your hair holding up sweetie?  
JASPER: ~sighs~ It's alright.

K-  
EDWARD: Oh dear! HOW DID I MANAGE TO ALIENATE BOTH MY BROTHERS?!?!? I  
TRULY AM A MONSTER!!! I DESERVED TO BE CLOBBERED BY PURSES FOR THE REST  
OF MY LIFE!  
A LADY FROM THE MOB COMES BY: DID HE JUST SAY MOLESTER? HE ADMITTED IT,  
LADIES! LET'S GET HIM!!!  
BELLA AND RENESME: *watch in confusion as Edward is chased through the building by a hoard of  
angry middle aged women*

M-  
OLD GRANDMA: ~is on the ice rink now, tripping over everybody and skates over to Jasper~  
THERE YOU ARE, YOU YOUNG THING!! COME WITH ME!! ~takes Jasper away from Alice  
and leads him into the ladies room~ HERE!! I have this brand new lip stick that I want you to put on!  
JASPER: That's really okay!!! ~tries to back away from her~  
OLD GRANDMA: ~pops the top off the lip stick~ Now, what is it they say? Oh yes!! "YOU LIP  
GLOSS BE COOL! YOUR LIP GLOSS BE POPPIN'!!!" ~puts some of the lip stick on Jasper, and  
somehow gets it all over his cheek and onto his teeth~  
JASPER: ~runs out of the bathroom~  
~everybody stares and starts to laugh at him~

K-  
EDWARD: *is still being chased by the mob, sees jasper, and grabs him by the front of his shirt on his  
way into the bathroom , were he locks the door so the mob cant get in! SAFE!!! *he looks all  
disheveled from his run in with the crazy ladies*  
*looks at jasper's face for the first time*  
What happened to you???

M-  
JASPER: Some old lady attacked me. ~walks away from him and sits on the floor and listens to the  
ladies outside screaming to open the door~

K-  
EDWARD: Right. Well. I really did like your hat. *hands Jasper paper towels for his face*  
When do you think it will be safe to go out there again?

M-  
JASPER: ~wipes off all the crap the old lady put on his face~ Oh, who know? They're women. They  
could be hours.

K-  
EDWARD: *groans* But Renesme is out there! I'M MISSING EVERYTHING! I AM A  
HORRIBLE FATHER! HOW WILL SHE EVER FORGIVE MY REPREHENSIBLE ABSENCE  
FROM THIS CHAPTER IN HER LIFE???? I AM A MONSTER! I DO NOT DESERVE TO  
HAVE A CHILD AS BEAUTIFUL AS RENESME! *bangs his head repeatedly into the wall until  
one of the tiles accidentally cracks* OH NO! I HAVE DESTROYED THIS PUBLIC FACILITY! I  
TRULY AM A MONSTER! A DESTRUCTIVE MONSTER! I DESERVE THOSE WOMEN  
CHASING ME! *reaches to open the door to let them in*

M-  
JASPER: ~slams the door shut, even though all the women are pushing against it~ NO!! ~locks the  
door~ STOP IT!! Think what you were about to do!! Do you really want them to come in here again  
and ruin our perfect hair!?!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: WELL, OF COURSE I WOULD LIKE MY HAIR TO STAY IN SHAPE! BUT MY  
DAUGHTER IS OUT THERE, JASPER! SHE NEEDS ME!

M-  
JASPER: Okay! Got an idea!! I'll open the door, and you quickly get out of here and leave the women  
to me!!

K-  
EDWARD: THANK YOU FOR DOING THIS FOR ME JASPER! OKAY, I'M READY! *opens  
the door and runs towards his family his hands covering his head so his hair didn't get ruined*

M-  
JASPER: ~lets the sea of women come in and attack him~  
ALICE: ~looks at Edward~ WHERE'S JASPER!?!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: Don't fret, Alice! He is perfectly fine! He volunteered to distract those women so I could  
escape. Isn't that nice of him? Where is Renesme? And Bella? NESSIE? COME HERE MY SWEET!

M-  
ALICE: WHAT!?!?! SO HE'S BEING CLOBBERED BY CRAZY WHACK JOBS AT THIS  
VERY MOMENT!?!?!?! ~gets off the rink as fast as she can and rushes over to see that Jasper is  
being hit with many bags, and pulls him out of the mosh pit and they go back to the rink and sit on the  
side on a bench~  
JASPER: ~lays on a bench, his head in Alice's arms~ T-they just came o-out of nowhere and s-started  
attacking m-me. So many of t-them. With their b-bags!! ~closes his eyes~ My hair is n-now ruined!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: OH, DEAR, JASPER! WHAT HAVE I LET YOU DO? SOMEBODY, GET THE  
EMERGENCY HAIR KIT! *throws Bella the keys to the Volvo* IT'S IN THE TRUNK, LOVE!  
MAKE HASTE! I FEAR HE WILL NOT MAKE IT MUCH LONGER! OH JASPER, I WILL  
NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF! I SHALL SHAVE MY HEAD IN MOURNING!

M-  
JASPER: ~hair is completly messed up, chunks of hair going everywhere and starts to lose grip on  
reality and starts to go crazy~ It's okay. I mean, it's just hair, right!?!? WHO NEEDS IT!!?!?!?! ~starts  
to twitch like crazy~  
ALICE: HURRY UP WITH THE HAIR FIRST AID!!!!!

K-  
BELLA: *Is still rummaging in the trunk* WHY DO WE HAVE ALL THIS JUNK, EDWARD?  
SINCE WHEN WERE YOU IN TO FOOTBALL?  
EDWARD: EMMETT!!!!! CURSE YOU FOR USING MY CAR!!! KEEP LOOKING BELLA,  
IT'S IN THERE SOMEWHERE! CARLISLE? CARLISLE!!! JASPER NEEDS MEDICAL  
ASSISTANCE!!!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~gets off the rink and runs over to where the group is~ What is it dear ones? What might  
be the cause of all of this commotion?  
JASPER: ~is still twitching like crazy~ JUST HAIR. JUST HAIR. THAT'S JUST ALL IT IS. ALL IT  
WILL EVER BE. JUST HAIR.

K-  
BELLA: GOT IT! *wipes dirt from Emmett's sports stuff off the box and dashes back to where jasper  
is*  
EDWARD: CARLISLE, QUICKLY! HE'S LOSING IT!!!  
ESME: *holds Jasper's hand tightly* HANG IN THERE SON! EVERY THING IS GOING TO BE  
OKAY! DO YOU HEAR ME? YOU! ARE! GOING! TO! BE! FINE!

M-  
JASPER: ~he starts drooling~ IT'S. ONLY. HAIR.  
ALICE: JASPER!!! SNAP OUT OF IT!!!  
JASPER: ONLY HAIR. IT'S ONLY HAIR!!!  
ALICE: QUICK!! WE MUST GET HIM BACK TO NORMAL!!!  
JASPER: JUST. HAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: CARLISLE! THE HAIR KIT! WHAT DO WE DO WITH IT??  
ESME: *shakes jasper by the shoulders* STAY WITH ME HONEY! CAN YOU STILL HEAR  
ME, JASPER? BLINK IF YOU CAN HEAR ME! JASPER!!!

M-  
JASPER: ~doesn't do anything but drool~  
CARLISLE: ~takes Jasper off of the bench and rushes him to the men's bathroom~  
~a few minutes later~  
CARLISLE: ~comes back outside~

K-  
EDWARD: *runs to him* CARLISLE, WHERE IS HE? IS HE OKAY? I SHALL NEVER  
FORGIVE MYSELF IF I CAUSED HIM ANY DAMAGE! I AM SO ASHAMED! I DESERVE  
TO BE BURIED ALIVE! *sinks to his knees and breaks out into raucous sobs that cause everyone  
who wasn't already staring to look at him in amazement*  
ESME: WHERE IS HE, CARLISLE? WHERE IS MY SON??? *panics*

M-  
JASPER: ~comes out of the bathroom, good as new~ CARLISLE!!! I. LOOK. FANTASTIC!!  
CARLISLE: Right here family. As good as new, if I do say so myself. Just needed to fix the hair.

K-  
EDWARD: JASPER! I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF! I COULD HAVE RUINED YOU  
FABULOUSITY AND FIERCENESS FOREVER! *engulfs him in a choke hold style hug*  
ESME: *is relieved* Aw, Carlisle, you do such good work. Look at how adorable they are!

M-  
JASPER: CAREFUL WITH THE HAIR, BROTHER!!!  
CARLISLE: I believe the term is these days: " This is how I roll. I be down and funky wit the homies."  
That is what Jasper said to me. Whatever that may mean.

K-  
ESME: That's my man. Always so 'with it'.  
EDWARD: I AM SO SORRY! *gets on his knees* PLEASE ACCEPT MY MOST SINCERE  
APOLOGY!

M-  
CARLISLE: Someone must be "rollin' wit da homies." Or "lean wit it, rock wit it."  
JASPER: Brother, stop making such a fuss about it!! The next time that happens, I'll send them on you  
too!

K-  
EDWARD: *gets up and brushes off his pants* It's a deal, Brother! *gestures towards the ice* Shall  
we? RENESME! DADDY'S BACK! ARE YOU READY? Bella, dear, Can you check her helmet  
again? I would be heartbroken if it were to fall off! She may trip over it and then there would be nothing  
to protect her lovely little noggin!

M-  
JASPER: YES!! ~rushes over to Renesmee~ We MUST protect that pretty hair of hers, at all costs!!!  
All hope would be gone from this world if the helmet falls off. Her hair!! Oh, her hair would be lost  
forever!  
ALICE: ~rolls her eyes and says to her parents~ Him and his damn hair. Please excuse me. But he  
lives, breathes and talks about hair!

K-  
ESME: There there, Alice. I'm sure it is just a phase. *looks doubtful* Perhaps you should try to get  
him to talk about something else? It will be spring soon. Perfect baseball season!  
EDWARD: READY, NESSIE? WE'RE STEPPING OUT ONTO THE ICE AGAIN! DON'T  
FORGET, IT IS VERY SLIPPERY! OKAY, READY? HERE WE GO!  
RENESME: *thinks FASTER DADDY! as she grows impatient*  
EDWARD: FINE! *increases his speed so little that they are still by far the slowest skaters in the rink*  
ISN'T THIS SO MUCH FUN, NESSIE?

M-  
ALICE: ~rests her head on Esme's shoulder and sighs~ Oh, I do hope so mother. His hair is nice and  
all, but sometimes I feel that he cares more about his hair than anything else.  
CARLISLE: I am sure that is not the case, Alice. Give it some time, and I am sure that he will talk  
about other things too.  
ALICE: ~nods~

K-  
ESME: Don't be silly. He loves you very much. Go out there and join him, sweetie. It'll be okay. *gives  
her hand a squeeze*  
BELLA: Edward, dear, maybe you should let Renesme try for herself.  
EDWARD: ABSOLUTELY NOT! IT IS NOT SAFE! LOOK AT THESE HOOLIGANS  
SPEEDING BY! *gestures to a moderately paced couple skating by* THEY MAY KNOCK HER  
OVER!

M-  
ALICE: Yeah!! Thanks mother!! ~gets back on the rink and joins Jasper~  
JASPER: OH, ALICE!! WONDERFUL!! I WAS JUST ADMIRING MY HAIR!!  
ALICE: It looks great honey!! ~talks through clenched teeth~ ~THINKS: Of course you are! Because  
that's what you always do!~  
JASPER: AND I WAS THINKING THAT IT LOOKS BETTER THAN BEFORE!!!  
ALICE: ~sighs to herself and thinks: Why can't we talk about anything else? It's always about his hair:  
how good his hair looks, if he's having a good or bad hair day, and how much gel he used.~

K-  
ESME: *nods encouragingly and mouths 'try to get him to talk about something else!'*  
BELLA: Edward, I just think we need to let her try this. Remember how scared you were over her  
swimming? And she was perfect! Just let go, Edward. It will be okay. Please?  
EDWARD: *can sense that he is defeated and crouches down to Renesme's level.* Nessie, would you  
like that?  
RENESME: *thinks YES PLEASE DADDY! THANK YOU! I LOVE YOU! and skates off  
effortlessly like she's being doing it for years*  
BELLA: See? She's fine!  
EDWARD: *isn't listening because he's too busy taking pictures* I'M SO PROUD OF YOU,  
DARLING! SMILE BIG FOR THE CAMERA, LOVE!

M-  
ALICE: I can't wait for the spring, Jazz!! We could go to the park and-  
JASPER: Yes, then my hair wouldn't freeze and I wouldn't have to wear ridicious hats to cover my  
perfect hair!!!  
ALICE: And we could go to the beach-  
JASPER: Maybe that's not a good idea. It could ruin my hair.  
ALICE: And we could go to a theme park-  
JASPER: Also not a good idea. It messes up my hair too much!  
ALICE: ~shoots a desperate look at her mother~

K-  
ESME: *is trying to think of something that has nothing to do with hair, and mouths ASK HIM ON A  
DATE! with a hopeless expression*

M-  
ALICE: ~give her a confused look but then shrugs her shoulders~ Jazzy?  
JASPER: Mmhhmm?? ~plays with a piece of his hair and is trying to get it back into place~  
ALICE: ~bats her eyelashes~ Want to go on a date?  
JASPER: I can't hun. Not tonight. I'm going to try and give myself a perm. Hopefully it will work out  
alright.  
ALICE: ~sighs and thinks: This is useless. HIM AND HIS DAMN HAIR!~

K-  
ESME: *mouths: I don't know, sweetie, you may have to just talk about it with him. I'm sure he would  
understand. He loves you!*  
M-  
ALICE: ~nods~ Hey Jazz. I was wondering..  
JASPER: ~is finally able to get the piece of hair into place and looks at her~ Yeah?  
ALICE: Can you at least think of something else besides your hair for a change? I'm sorry hun, but all  
you do is think about your hair.  
JASPER: ~is speechless~ I'm sorry, but so what if I have a little obsession with my hair? Don't you  
want it radiant and volumized?  
ALICE: I-I do. But Jazz, the hair is your obsession. You're never going to stop.

JASPER: ~is taken aback~ But, I do it for you!  
ALICE: I know you do! And I love you for that, you know I do. But maybe, just for a change, we talk  
about something else?

K-  
ESME: *Nods encouragingly and mouths: Do you need my help, Alice? I can come talk to him too, if  
you want.*

M-  
JASPER: But I like talking about my hair.  
ALICE: ~shakes her head "no" to Esme~ Fine Jasper. Excuse me. ~gets off the rink~  
JASPER: Where are you going? I thought we could talk about my hair more.  
ALICE: Maybe later. ~disappears from his sight~

K-  
ESME: Oh, Alice, don't despair. All will be well soon enough. *hugs her* Shall we go home? I can  
understand if you do not want to stay here any longer. We could call up Rosalie and have a girls night  
out. Wouldn't that be fun? We could go shopping! What do you say, darling?

M-  
ALICE: ~is all mopey now~ I guess so. But I don't think Emmett would be very fond of that idea.

K-  
ESME: I know dear, but Emmett isn't coming. I think a Men's night out will do him some good, too.  
And Jasper. And I'm sure Edward would love it. Although perhaps they should be on the same night as  
the Ladies so Emmett is not tempted. Carlisle, would you be willing to go on a Men's night out with the  
boys?

M-  
CARLISLE: Absolutely! That sounds smashing, it does! What a wonderful plan, Esme! The "boys," or  
homies, I must say, and I will be "off the hizhouse!" Can I get a yeah!?  
EVERYBODY ON THE RINK: YEAH!!  
CARLISLE: CAN I GET A HELL YEAH!?  
EVERYBODY ON THE RINK: HELL YEAH!!!!  
ALICE: ~brightens up a little~ Okay! That sounds fun!

K-  
ESME: *when she is done cheering with everybody else* Alright, I'll go give them a call! *dials Rose*  
ROSE: Hello? Mom?  
ESME: Hello, Dear! Any luck with Emmett?  
ROSE: He's still pretty stubborn. We may have to, um, stay the night somewhere.  
ESME: *in a firm voice* Absolutely not, Rosalie. I need you guys back tonight! Put Emmett on the  
phone, please.  
ROSE: *sighs and hands the phone over to Emmett*  
M-  
EMMETT: ~whispers to her~ No, Rose! I don't want to talk to her!! I'm pissed at everybody in that  
goddamned family right now.

K-  
ROSE: *hisses at him* Emmett, you don't have a choice! She's waiting!

M-  
EMMETT: Absolutely not! You talk to her!  
~all they hear is a crash and some swear words~  
EMMETT: Ow, Rose! You just threw the phone at my eye!!

K-  
ROSE: It wouldn't have hit your eye if you had just taken it, Emmett! She's already talked to me! She  
wants you!

M-  
EMMETT: ~groans and takes the phone and answers in an annoyed voice~ Hello?

K-  
ESME: Emmett! I've missed you sweetie! We're doing a family fun night at the ice rink right now, but it  
just isn't the same without you and Rose. I need you to come home, okay? Plus, Carlisle was planing a  
boy's night out for tomorrow evening, and I would like for you to be there.

M-  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NO F***ING WAY, MA!!!!! I'M NOT COMING BACK HOME!!  
CARLISLE PROMISED ROSE AND I OUR VACATION AND GODDAMMIT, WE'RE GOING  
TO HAVE IT!!

K-  
ESME: Calm down, Emmett! You can have your vacation, but you have to earn it first! Your attitude  
does not impress me, mister. You are coming home! And that's final!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is so pissed at her he doesn't even want to argue~ FINE, BUT I WON'T ENJOY A  
F***ING MINUTE OF IT!! ~hangs up the phone and it breaks in his hands~

K-  
ROSE: Calm down, Emmett. It can't be that bad. Just a few hours, right? And dad will be there. So it's  
not like Edward can do anything. And then we're free.

M-  
EMMETT: F***!! ~looks at the crushed phone in his hands and throws it away~ EVERY TIME,  
ROSE!! Every time we try to get some alone time, something ALWAYS happens!

K-  
ROSE: I know hun. It isn't fair. But technically, we weren't supposed to have alone time this time. I was  
supposed to be getting you back home, remember?

M-  
EMMETT: ~sighs~ Whatever. When do we have to leave?

K-  
ROSE: Soon. She wants us there tomorrow.

M-  
EMMETT: ~starts mumbling~  
~the other cell phone starts to ring~  
EMMETT: ~answers it~ Hello?  
ALICE: STOP BEING SUCH A BABY!  
EMMETT: SHUT THE F*** UP! ~slams the phone down and breaks that one too~ GOD  
DAMMMIT!!!

K-  
ROSE: *laughs* Emmett, it's ok. It's just a phone. We can get a new one. Common, let's go home.

M-  
EMMETT: ~growls a little but takes her hand and leads her to the car~  
VIOLET: OHEMGOD!!! I FEEL LIKE I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN AGES!!! HOW HAVE YOU  
BEEN!?!?! ~is of course wearing a really skimpy outfit~  
EMMETT: ~is grumpy and doesn't want to talk to her~ Grand. Just grand! The world might explode  
tomorrow, but besides that, EVERYTHING IS JUST F***ING GRAND!! ~looks at her~ GOD  
WOMAN, HAVE YOU NO SHAME ON WHAT YOU'RE WEARING!! YOU LOOK LIKE A  
F***ING STRIPPER!!! ~is disgusted~

K-  
ROSE: *with mock enthusiasm* VIOLET! Hey girl! Where did you come from? I thought hell was too  
far away for you to make it here so quickly, but I'm so glad you could make it!

M-  
VIOLET: ~runs up to Emmett, her boobs bouncing all over the place and completly ignores Rose~ So,  
did you miss me!? I KNOW I MISSED YOU!!!!!!  
EMMETT: God, PUT THOSE THINGS AWAY WOMAN!! YOU'RE HURTING MY EYES!!!

K-  
ROSE: MY goodness, child, what would your parents say if they saw you dressed like that? *scowls  
and tosses her an old stained sweatshirt that was sitting in the back of the jeep. The sweatshirt was  
Emmett's so naturally its 10x too big* Do us all a favor hun. It has a hood too. So you know. You can  
pull it over your face and spare us.

M-  
VIOLET: IS. THIS. EMMETT'S!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!? ~treasures it~ I'm not putting it on,  
you f***ing ugly b****!!!  
EMMETT: ~was getting into the car but then gets out and slams the door~ That's it! ~grabs her by the  
elbow and leads her away from the car, through the hotel~  
VIOLET: OHHHHH! I like a man who likes to be rough!  
EMMETT: ~leads her to the indoor pool and pushes her in~ OOPS!! MY FAULT!! ~storms out of  
the hotel angrily and gets into the car~  
VIOLET: ~comes to the top of the water~ WAIT!! COME BACK!!!

K-  
ROSE: *waves and gives a smug 'buh-bye' to Violet, then grabs Emmett's hand* See? Almost makes  
you glad we're going home now, doesn't it?

M-  
EMMETT: Yeah, yeah. ~is just happy to be away from Violet but then sees Violet coming out of the  
hotel, drenching wet~ HONEY, GO!

K-  
ROSE: WORKING ON IT! *quickly puts the keys in the ignition and hits the gas so hard that the tires  
burn a little before they actually accelerate* NICE MEETING YOU, VI! *flips her the bird as a  
parting gift because she's mature like that*

M-  
VIOLET: ~is speechless~ COME BACK!!!  
EMMETT: ~high fives Rose~ My wife rocks!!!

K-  
ROSE: Well, of course she does! *does yet another hair flip. It is quickly becoming her signature  
move*

M-  
~they arrive at the house~  
EMMETT: ~groans~ I'm not ready for this. Maybe we should come back in a few hours.

K-  
ROSE: You know that won't help, Emmett. Let's just get it over with. *gives his hand a squeeze and  
takes a deep breath as she opens the door, where she is instantly embraced by Esme*  
ESME: ROSALIE! EMMETT!! WE'VE MISSED YOU ALL SO MUCH! HAVEN'T WE,  
CHILDREN?  
EDWARD: *runs in the room with yellow rubber gloves and a bottle of comet. he was obviously  
cleaning before Esme called him* EMMETT! ROSALIE! IT'S BEEN TOO LONG! *goes to hug  
them both, then realizes that he is going to get chemicals all over them so he just waves*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts~  
ALICE: ~comes skipping down the stairs~ ROSALIE!!! ~hugs her~ Baby. ~looks at Emmett~  
EMMETT: ~grunts again~  
CARLISLE: Oh! You two are home! Splendid!!

K-  
ROSE: Yes. Well. Hi everyone. I just have to unpack... *grabs her things and flees to her room which  
smells... clean?*  
EDWARD: *barges in Rosalie's room* Sorry, Rose, I forgot my windex. Did you notice how cloudy  
your mirror was getting? Oh, And I shampooed your rugs too. You're welcome. *leaves with his  
cleaning supplies in tow*  
ROSE: *mouth is hanging open*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts again and sits down on the couch~  
ALICE: OHHH, I AM SO HAPPY FOR GRILS NIGHT!! ~skips around happily~  
CARLISLE: ~is talking to Esme~ Oh, I am so happy that the family is together! One united happy  
family!!  
JASPER: MY HAIR AND I ARE JUST RADIANTING WITH HAPPINESS!!  
EMMETT: ~stares around in horror, and can't take the happiness and thinks: I HAVE JUST  
ENTERED HELL!! ~makes a runs for the door~

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, I KNOW YOU ARE EXCITED TO LEAVE, BUT WE MUST WAIT TILL  
TOMORROW! *puts his arm around Emmett's shoulder and leads him into the living room, where the  
whole family is making plans for the next day.*

M-

EMMETT: ~eye starts to twitch with Edward touching him and quickly gets out of his hold and makes  
a charge for upstairs to use the shower~  
ALICE: EMMETT, YOU'RE SUCH A BABY!!  
EMMETT: ~throws a plant at her~

K-  
EDWARD: *catches plant before it reaches Alice* IF YOU WANTED TO PLAY CATCH,  
EMMETT, WE SHOULD GO OUTSIDE, AND USE THE PROPER SPORTING EQUIPMENT!  
THROWING PLANTS IS NOT WHAT I WOULD CONSIDER SAFE BEHAVIOR!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is already in the shower and pretends to not hear him~  
ALICE: Thank you, Edward! That plant would have ruined my new outfit!!!  
JASPER: And you hair would suffer for it too!

K-  
EDWARD: It's no problem, Alice. So what are you ladies planning on doing tomorrow?

M-  
~upstairs, in the bathroom~  
EMMETT: ~is trying very hard to scrub off all the germs and bacteria where Edward touched him and  
thinks: DAMN YOU, EDWARD!!! DAMN YOU!!!!~  
~downstairs~  
ALICE: ~chants~ SHOPPING! SHOPPING! SHOPPING!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *laughs* It sounds like fun, Alice. *frowns as he hears Emmett's thoughts* Did I miss a  
spot when I was cleaning the shower? I was so sure that I got every speck of dust out! I AM SO  
ASHAMED THAT I CANNOT EVEN CLEAN MY OWN HOME!

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets out of the shower, gets changed, goes downstairs and accidentally bumps into  
Edward~ NOO!! ~goes back upstairs and uses the shower again~

K-  
EDWARD: *self consciously sniffs himself* MOTHER, DO I SMELL FUNNY TO YOU?  
ESME: Of course not, dear! You smell as wonderful as a field of daisies!  
EDWARD: THEN DO I HAVE SOMETHING BETWEEN MY TEETH?  
ESME: No, sweetie, you look fine!  
EDWARD: ARE YOU SURE? DID YOU LOOK HARD ENOUGH? *pulls back his cheek and puts  
his face really close to Esme's* HOW ABOUT NOW???  
ESME: You look as handsome as ever, dear. I promise. Would I lie to you?  
EDWARD: Of course not! I am sorry I doubted you! *runs off to hang out with other family members*

M-  
ALICE: Emmett's just a baby, Edward. He's jelous over your strikingly good looks.  
JASPER: ~hears this and gets jelous~ OH, SO WHAT AM I TO YOU!? HMMM?????  
ALICE: Calm down, sweetie!  
JASPER: NO! ARE YOU HITTING ON HIM!?!?!?!  
ALICE: Of course not! Don't be absurd.

K-  
EDWARD: It's okay Jasper. I was just asking Alice to check if I had something in my hair. There's  
nothing between my teeth and apparently I smell normal, so it must be the hair! Unless I have a stain on  
my shirt? *starts examining his shirt*

M-  
JASPER: ~takes a deep breath~ Okay. Just making sure.  
EMMETT: ~comes back downstairs again and goes directly to the fridge~ WHAT THE F***ING  
F*** MAN!?!?!?!?!?!? WHERE'S THE GOD DAMN BEER I PUT IN HERE 2 DAYS  
AGO!?!?!!? EDWARD, YOU GAY FAT LARD, YOU STOLE IT DIDN'T YOU, YOU  
PANSY!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: I DO NOT STEAL EMMETT! I MERELY PUT IT SOMEWHERE MORE  
APPROPRIATE! I THOUGHT THAT IF WE WERE GOING TO MAXIMIZE OUR TIME  
TOMORROW IT WOULD BE BEST IF WE WERE ALL SOBER! COME, BROTHER, LET US  
GO PLAN FOR OUR TRIP TOMORROW!  
ESME: *mouths to Emmett with a stern face* Best behavior, Emmett.

M-  
EMMETT: ~groans yet again and follows Edward and has a look in his eyes that he wants to pick  
Edward up, strangle him, send him to the Guilotine and then set him on fire and drink beer on his grave  
and laugh "HA HA!!! YOU DEAD, SUCKA!!!!~

K-  
EDWARD: *opens 2 extremely large suitcases, one for himself and one for Emmett. Even though they  
are only going for the one night. He throws stuff in so fast that it's all a blur*  
Need this... Don't need this... DEFINITELY NEED THIS! *takes one more look around the room to  
make sure he didn't forget anything* OH! I ALMOST FORGOT MY CAMERA! *throws that in the  
bag too* Is that everything, Emmett?

M-  
EMMETT: ~keeps thinking of ways her could torture Edward. thinks: Well, I could sword him up real  
nice, like make him into swiss cheese, and feed him to crazy psychotic monkies. Or I could boom  
headshot him several times and then put him on an episode of Pee Wee Herman and watch him suffer.  
Or he could wrestle Michael Jackson and end up tied up to a bed.. There's so many possibilities. Hell,  
I'LL USE ALL OF THEM FOR THE FUTURE!~

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, PLEASE, KINDLY DO NOT TORTURE ME WITH YOUR VILE  
THOUGHTS! I MERELY ASKED YOU IF YOU WERE IN NEED OF ANYTHING ELSE FOR  
OUR TRIP! BUT I CAN SEE THAT YOU NO LONGER WISH FOR MY ASSISTANCE! I  
SHALL GO ELSEWHERE!  
*Runs from the room extremely offended and runs into Carlisle.*  
Say, Carlisle, where are we going for our night out, anyways?

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, but I am so happy that you asked. We are going to a grand hotel, The Muerto.  
But first, we just simply have to go to this grand new bowling alley!  
EMMETT: ~jaw drops~ B-UT ROSE AND I WERE STAYING AT THE MUERTO!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: THAT SOUNDS SPLENDID, FATHER! EMMETT CAN EVEN GIVE US A TOUR  
WHEN WE ARRIVE! OH MY, THIS CHANGES EVERYTHING! I MUST GO PACK MY  
BOWLING THINGS! THERE IS SO MUCH TO DO! *speeds off*

M-  
EMMETT: I BET YOU HAVE YOUR OWN BOWLING SHIRT, YOU PIECE OF SH**!!!  
CARLISLE: Really, Emmett!!! You may stop now!!

K-  
EDWARD: WHY, OF COURSE I HAVE MY OWN BOWLING SHIRT! I AM NOT A  
HEATHEN, EMMETT! ONE MUST BE APPROPRIATELY EQUIPPED WHEN ENGAGING IN  
SPORTS! I HAVE AN EXTRA SHIRT HERE, EMMETT, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO BORROW  
IT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~grabs the shirt and tears it up in his own mouth and then stomps on it and then goes  
outside and gets it even dirtier~ WHAT WERE YOU SAYING!?

K-  
EDWARD: MY SHIRT! EMMETT I- *changes mid sentence at a glance from Esme* EMMETT,  
PLEASE BE RATIONAL! THIS IS GOING TO BE FUN! YOU LOVE SPORTS! WE WILL  
HAVE SUCH A LOVELY TIME, WONT WE, CARLISLE? JASPER?

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh course we will, my good boy! ~gives Emmett death glare~ And if you try to sabotage  
my family's happiness, Emmett..  
EMMETT: I know, I'm going into the pit of death.

K-  
EDWARD: THAT'S THE SPIRIT, FAMILY! IF I MAY BE EXCUSED, NESSIE SHOULD BE  
PUT TO BED NOW! I WANT HER FULLY RESTED SO SHE CAN ENJOY HER NIGHT OUT  
TOMORROW! *Is practically skipping with anticipation as he leaves with Nessie in arms*

M-  
EMMETT: YES, YOU MAY BE EXECUTED!!!!!  
CARLISLE: Emmett, he did not mean it like that.  
EMMETT: THEN WHAT WAY DID HE MEAN IT, HUH!?!?!?

K-  
ESME: *rests her hand on his shoulder* Be calm, son. He has not said anything offensive tonight.

M-  
CARLISLE: ~mouths to Esme~ How on earth did he get that idea from Edward?

K-  
ESME: *shrugs and mouths back* Maybe he confused the word excuse with execute??  
Emmett, dear, why don't you finish packing? We'll leave fairly early in the morning, I think. Alice is keen  
to hit every shop between here and LA.

M-  
EMMETT: ~mumbles more exciting ways he could kill Edward and goes to his room~  
ALICE: THAT'S RIGHT!!! SO STOP BEING SUCH A BABY ABOUT IT!!!

K-  
ROSE: *is up in the room and looks up when Emmett enters* Emmett, did you realize Edward has  
drawn up schedules for us all? *looks down at a piece of paper* I have to shop non-stop for 7 hours!  
*looks at another paper* And it looks like you'll be bowling for 4... *groans and collapses onto the  
bed*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts and crashes on the bed next to her~ Would you like to shoot me, or should I do the  
honors? Honestly Rose, we're not going to be able to survive!! ~looks at the papers and rips them up~  
What's the point? I bet he made hundreds of copies. That bastard..

K-  
ROSE: Easy, Emmett. If we be patient, it'll all pay off, remember? *groans* But all the same. SEVEN  
hours. SEVEN!

M-  
EMMETT: AND YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE!? CARLISLE INSISTS THAT WE STAY AT THE  
MUERTO!!!

K-  
ROSE: *starts to laugh but stops almost immediately on the look on his face* I'm sorry dear. That's  
going to suck. Maybe she'll have left by now...? *bites her lip to keep her from laughing more*

M-  
EMMETT: ROSE!! THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER!! SHE COULD RAPE ME IN THE  
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT WITH THOSE FREAKISHLY HUGE BOOBS, AND YOU'LL BE  
MILES AND MILES AWAY!!!


	5. Chapter 5: Boys Night Out

K-  
ROSE: *her jealousy seems very far away when violet is not near* Aw, Emmett, do you really think  
Carlisle will allow Violet in your room? And I would actually pay to see what Edward would do with  
her 'disrespectful' behavior.

M-  
EMMETT: Trust me, Rose. SHE'LL FIND WAYS!!! THE S*X IS HER OBSESSION!! SHE'S  
NEVER GOING TO STOP!!!

K-  
ROSE: *laughs* Emmett, relax, it will be ok. Look, You have me on speed dial, right? If it's an  
EMERGENCY, I can go over there and gladly kick her butt from here to Ohio.

M-  
EMMETT: Deal.~sighs and gets off the bed and starts packing up his stuff~ This is going to suck and is  
never going to end. I can tell you that right now.  
~a few minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~comes downstairs with Rose's and his bags~ Okay. Rose and I are packed up.

K-  
ESME: WONDERFUL! Put your things in the car, darlings.  
EDWARD: *comes in carrying about 50 pounds of stuff*  
BELLA: Edward, I know you're excited, but is all that stuff really necessary for one night?  
EDWARD: OF COURSE IT IS! WOULD I BRING IT IF IT WAS NOT NEEDED?  
BELLA: Okay. Just making sure. *rolls here eyes*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts and obeys his mother~  
ALICE: ~is still skipping around~ YAY YAY YAYYYYY!!  
EMMETT: ~throws a plant at her, this time it does hit her~  
ALICE: MUST YOU BE SUCH A BABY, EMMETT!?!?

K-  
ESME: Children, I know you are all anxious to go, but please settle. *throws Emmett a warning look*

M-  
EMMETT: WHY THE HELL ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME!?!?!? SHE'S THE ONE WHO  
PISSED ME OFF!!!  
ALICE: Because you ARE a baby!

K-  
ESME: CHILDREN! ENOUGH! *takes a deep breath* Kindly go put your things in the car.  
~Early the next morning~  
ESME: EVERYONE! BE READY! THE CARS LEAVE IN 15 MINUTES!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts and crosses his arms and is on the couch, staring at everybody being all happy~  
ALICE: ~is still skipping around, 9 straight hours of skipping around~

K-  
EDWARD: *Is hugging Bella, who is holding Renesme* AND DON'T FORGET TO CALL! I  
SHALL COME LOOKING FOR YOU IF YOU DO NOT CALL EVERY HOUR! OKAY? I  
WILL MISS YOU BOTH SO VERY MUCH! I LOVE YOU! SO VERY MUCH! YOU ARE THE  
LOVES OF MY EXISTENCE! BE GOOD FOR DADDY, NESSIE! I LOVE YOU, NESSIE! I  
LOVE YOU BELLA! BELLA, MY LOVE! MY ONLY LOVE!!! YOU MUST PROMISE NOT  
TO FORGET ME WHILE I AM GONE! I LOVE YOU! *breaks out into another fit of dry sobs, and  
squeezes them tighter*

M-  
EMMETT: ~stares in horror at Edward and then uncrosses his hands and puts his head in his hands~  
PLEASE. GET. ME. OUT. OF. THIS. HELL. HOLE!!!!!!!

K-  
BELLA: Edward! It's only for one night! Everything will be fine! I promise! *tries to pat his back but  
her arm is pinned down by his death squeeze*  
EDWARD: YOU ARE RIGHT! I SHOULD NOT BE SO PATHETIC! FORGIVE ME! I WILL  
MISS YOU, IS ALL! *squeezes even harder*  
ROSE: *slaps Edward* GET A GRIP! IT'S ONE FREAKING NIGHT! *storms off to wait by the  
girls car*

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets off the couch, stuffs his hands in his pockets, looks down at the ground and walks  
over to Rose~

K-  
ROSE: Hey. *hugs him* I'm going to miss you!

M-  
EMMETT: ~looks up off the ground, stares into her eyes and after a moment, he collapses to the  
ground and starts crying and hold onto her legs~ NO ROSE!!! NO!! DON'T YOU LEAVE ME!!!!!!  
ALICE: AH HA HA!!! HE IS A BABYYYY!!

K-  
ROSE: It's ok, hun. *pats his head* I'm not leaving you. I'm.. Just.. not going with you.

M-  
EMMETT: ~squeezes her legs tighter~ NO, ROSE, NO!!! STAY WITH ME!!!!!!!  
ALICE: ~continues laughing her butt off~  
EMMETT: ~starts dry sobbing~

K-  
ROSE: I can't. You know that. *bends down to hug him* Please get up, Emmett. We have to go soon.

M-  
EMMETT: NO!! I WANT TO STAY WITH YOU!! ~continues to sob~  
ALICE: ~is rolling on the ground, laughing hysterically~

K-  
ROSE: ALICE, DO YOU MIND? *Rose begins trying to pry him off her, but ends up falling over  
because he has both her legs* EMMETT, I'LL MISS YOU TOO, OKAY?

M-  
EMMETT: ~continues to sob and buries himself in her hair~  
ALICE: ~is laughing so hard and she's punching the ground, which is doing quite some damage to the  
ground~

K-  
ROSE: HELLO? FAMILY? A LITTLE HELP PLEASE!  
EDWARD: *is still squeezing Bella and Renesme and doesn't hear them*

M-  
CARLISLE: ~is too busy to say his good byes to Esme~ Oh dearest, have a splendid time! ~kisses  
her~  
ALICE: ~is too busy, rolling all over the ground~  
JASPER: ~just doesn't give a damn~

K-  
ESME: I will miss you. Take good care of our boys. *gives him a quick hug*  
ALRIGHT LADIES! LETS GO!  
EDWARD: BE SAFE BELLA! MAKE SURE NESSIE IS IN HER CAR SEAT RIGHT! IT CAN  
BE QUITE TRICKY! AND SHOULD I GRAB HER HELMET, JUST IN CASE? NO? ARE YOU  
SURE? OKAY THEN. I LOVE YOU! CALL ME! *one more quick hug and then he finally lets Bella  
go*  
ROSE: Emmett, that's me. I gotta go. Don't be flirting with any girls while I'm gone. *hugs him, winks,  
and then gets up to leave*

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets off of the ground, runs after her, tackles her to the ground and then kisses her~ I  
SHOULD SAY THE SAME, MISS FLIRT!! ~laughs, gets off of her, helps her up and opens the door  
to the car for her~ Have fun, love. ~kisses her hand and then shuts the door~  
ALICE: ~gets off the ground, and wipes herself off~  
EMMETT: ~punches her on the arm~ LOSER!! I AM NOT A BABY!! YOU DON'T KNOW  
WHAT IT'S LIKE!!  
ALICE: ~winces~ Not so hard, Emmett!! AND YES I DO! ~skips over to Jasper, gives him a quick  
kiss and gets into the car~ STAY OUT OF TROUBLE, BABY!!  
EMMETT: ~mimicks her, saying it like a 3-year-old~  
ALICE: ~rolls eyes~ Oh, grow up! ~slams the door~

K-  
ESME: ALRIGHT LADIES! WE'RE ON OUR WAY! *cheers as she pulls out and speeds off to their  
first shopping destination*  
EDWARD: *is still crying a little bit but gets in the car anyways* CARLISLE! I'M READY!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is all mopey and gets into the back seat~  
JASPER: ~follows EMMETT~  
CARLISLE: ~starts driving the car~ I think we need some wonderful music!! ~turns the radio on, and  
it's on a rap song and has quite a bit of profanity and talks about s*x~ Emmett, did you borrow my car?  
EMMETT: ~looks out the window~ No.  
JASPER: ~looks at the seat and sees a lot of empty beer cans~ Well, that explains that.

K-  
EDWARD: GAH! THIS MUSIC IS MIND POISON! CARLISLE, I MUST PROTEST! *reaches  
for the dial and switches it to the classical station* Ahhh. Pachelbel's Canon. This is quite lovely. *hums  
along*

M-  
EMMETT: ~somehow gets an ipod and turns it to the loudest volume he can. It's the same song that  
had all the profanity in it, and S*x~ NOW, THIS IS WHAT I CALL MUSIC!!!  
JASPER: ~is thinking: MUST WE LISTEN TO THIS BULLS***!?!?!?!?!?~

K-  
EDWARD: FINE! *switches it to a corny 80's station that is playing a ridiculously cheesy love song,  
and he starts to sob uncontrollably* BELLA!!! I MISS YOU BELLA!!! MY LOVE!!!!!!! MY ONLY  
LOVE!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~takes his shoe and starts beating him with it~ SHUT THE F*** UP, BITCH!!!  
CARLISLE: EMMETT, I TOLD YOU!!! HOW DARE YOU!!! ~pulls the car over, gets out and  
drags Emmett out of the car too~ NOW, WHAT DID YOU SAY!?!?!?  
EMMETT: I SAID, SHUT THE F*** UP, B****!!!!!!!!!!  
CARLISLE: THAT'S IT!!! YOU HAVE RUINED MY FAMILY'S HAPPINESS FOR THE LAST  
TIME!!! ~picks Emmett up and throws him at several trees~

K-  
EDWARD: *stops crying to stare in amazement* Father, I never knew you had such a good arm! Shall  
I, er, go get him?

M-  
CARLISLE: Just leave him there for a couple of minutes, son. ~smilies at Edward~ And thank you!  
Baseball has changed him life!  
JASPER: ~is fixing his hair, mumbling about how Emmett was very close to touching his hair~  
EMMETT: ~gets up, brushes himself off, and starts pulling twigs out of his hair and grunts~

K-  
EDWARD: Don't fret, Jazz! Your hair is the picture of godliness. You have the windswept look down  
pat!

M-  
JASPER: ~smilies at Edward~ Thank you Edward!! ~thinks: I. AM. GOING. TO. KILL.  
EMMETT!!!~  
EMMETT: ~walks back to the car~  
CARLISLE: ~stops him before he can reach the car~ Now, are you going to be a good boy?  
EMMETT: WHAT AM I, A DOG!?!?!?!?!? I'M NOT A DOG, JUST TO TELL YOU, PAL!!!  
CARLISLE: EMMETT!  
EMMETT: YES, I WILL BEHAVE LIKE A CILIVLIZED BEING!!!  
CARLISLE: THANK YOU!! NOW, YOU GET YOUR A** IN THAT CAR!! MARCH,  
MISTER!!  
EMMETT: ~grunts and marches~  
CARLISLE: WHAT WAS THAT!?!?!?  
EMMETT: NOTHING!! ~gets into the car~

K-  
EDWARD: WELCOME BACK, FATHER! AND BROTHER! *extends his hand for a fist bump*

M-  
EMMETT: ~rejects in and looks out the window, and listen to his ipod, that reappeared out of  
nowhere and grunts~  
CARLISLE: THAT IS WHAT I AM TALKN' 'BOUT, HOME SKILLET! ~pounds his fist and then  
clears his throat and starts driving~ Right, anyway.

K-  
EDWARD: Emmett, Don't leave me hanging! You're my homie! HOMIES FOR LIFE!

M-  
EMMETT: SHUT THE F*** UP!!  
CARLISLE: ~stops the car and looks at Emmett~  
EMMETT: NO! ~crosses his arms~ YOU HAVE BEEN RECHESABADED!!!!  
CARLISLE: ~sighs and keeps driving~

K-  
EDWARD: *is unable to stand the silence so he starts to whistle the tune to Yankee Doodle*

M-  
EMMETT: ~his him with his shoe again~  
CARLISLE: Emmett..  
EMMETT: FINE!!  
~they get to the bowling alley~  
CARLISLE: Oh, dear me!! Edward, I simply forgot my bowling shirt!!! Do you have a spare?

K-  
EDWARD: I know I HAD one, father. That has recently been destroyed. I shall go check to see if I  
have another, if you wish.

M-  
EMMETT: ~slams the car door and goes inside the bowling alley~  
WOMAN WHO WORKS AT BOWLING ALLEY: HEL-LO!! ~is wayyy to cheerful~ Wait, sir, you  
must pay before you can use the bowling alley!!  
EMMETT: ~picks up the ball and starting bowling~ I. DON'T. GIVE. A. DAMN!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *rushes up to the Lady with enough money for all of them, plus a few extra dollars* I am  
so very sorry Miss. I hope you can forgive my brother for his reprehensible behavior. This should cover  
all of us. *Smiles at her*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts in disgust and throws the ball at Edward really fast, and it hits him directly in the  
face~  
CARLISLE: EMMETT CULLEN!!! ~grabs him by the ear and drags him over to Edward~  
APOLOGIZE!!!  
EMMETT: ABSOLUTELY NO F***ING WAY MAN!!!! YOU'RE F***ING CRAZY!!

K-  
EDWARD: *picks up the bowling ball and puts it back, mumbling about lack of respect* Father, it's  
ok. He's always like this. Let's just start our game, shall we?

M-  
EMMETT: ~starts bowling first and only gets one pin down~ WHAT THE F***ING F***!?!?!?!?  
~walks down the bowling lane and kicks the pins down~ YES, I GOT A F***ING STRIKE,  
B****ES!!!! WHAT NOW!?!?!? YOU GOT SERVED!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, I DO NOT THINK THAT IS HOW THE GAME WAS INTENDED TO  
BE PLAYED! IF YOU WANT TO KICK THINGS AROUND, PERHAPS WE SHOULD GO  
PLAY SOCCER! IT IS A WONDERFUL ALTERNATIVE, EMMETT, EVEN IF WE DO NOT  
GET TO WEAR THESE SNAZZY SHOES!

M-  
~they end up going to a park to play soccer~  
EMMETT: ~keeps kicking the ball at Edward's "place."~ YOU'RE RIGHT, THIS IS MORE  
FUN!!!!! (didn't know howto reword it)

K-  
EDWARD: THIS IS NOT APPROPRIATE, EMMETT! I DO NOT THINK YOUR AIM IS VERY  
GOOD! I AM NOT EVEN ON YOUR TEAM! TRY PASSING IT TO JASPER NEXT TIME!

M-  
EMMETT: ~keeps kicking it in his "area" where guys generally don't like to be kicked and laughs~  
CARLISLE: Really, Emmett! I am ashamed of your behavior!!!  
JASPER: ~almost got his hair ruined by the ball Emmett was kicking~ MY HAIR AND I DON'T  
APPROVE, EMMETT!!! NOT COOL!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT THIS IS MOST UNKIND! WHY MUST YOU CAUSE ME SO MUCH  
PAIN? *runs and hides behind a tree*

M-  
EMMETT: ~grabs more soccer balls from the car and throws all of them at him, very fast~ AH HA!!!!  
JASPER: ~is staying far away from Emmett because he knows that his hair will get ruined~

K-  
EDWARD: *climbs a nearby tree in a misguided effort to avoid the soccer balls that are now  
dominating the air thanks to Emmett* EMMETT, THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE! NO RESPECT!  
NONE! WHERE DID WE EVEN GET THIS MANY SOCCER BALLS? *one hits him in the face  
and he falls out of the tree* EMMETT! WHY MUST YOU ACT SO CHILDISHLY? THIS IS NOT  
OKAY, EMMETT! NOT AT ALL! I'M WAITING IN THE CAR!

M-  
JASPER: SO AM I!!! MY HAIR MUST BE PROTECTED!!! ~makes a charge for the car and gets  
hits in the head with a soccer ball thrown by Emmett~  
EMMETT: Whoops.. ~cracks up~  
JASPER: ~storms over to Emmett, pissed, picks him up and throws him as hard as he possibly can~  
EMMETT: ~sails through the air while yelling " I HATE YOU, JASPER!!!" and disappears from sight~  
CARLISLE: ~isn't worried about Emmett at all~ What an arm you got there, son!

K-  
EDWARD: *from the car* Yes, it quite impressive, indeed! Look at him go!

M-  
~a couple of minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~finally lands on the ground, gets up and looks around~ Where the hell am I? ~looks  
around some more and see that he's in a city, but doesn't know which city he's in~ WHERE THE  
HELL AM I!?!?!?!?!?

K-  
EDWARD: Hm... You know, I don't think Esme or Rosalie would react very kindly if they found out  
we threw Emmett halfway across the state. Should we go get him?

M-  
CARLISLE: I suppose we should..  
~meanwhile~  
EMMETT: ~decides that he's going to stay at a hotel, so he walks to one and orders a room~  
VIOLET: ~is on the couch with a few other girls, that are wearing skimpy clothes too and glances up to  
see Emmett~ EMMETT!?!?!!? ~runs over to him~ EMMETT!!! LIKE, OHEHGOD!!!  
EMMETT: ~looks up to see who it is and regrets it~ WHA- HOW-YOU- NO!!!! ~hits his head~  
WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE!?!?!?!  
VIOLET: Well, I'm staying here now, silly. My friends and I are all sharing a room. ~waves her friends  
over~  
~they all swarm up to Emmett and surround him with their big boobs and their skimpy outfits~  
EMMETT: ~is having a hard time not to stare at them~ Um, okay. ~doesn't know what to say~

K-  
EDWARD: *waits for everyone to pile into the car, then speeds out of the field and drives like the  
maniac he is* Let's listen to some music, shall we? *switches it to the show tunes channel which is  
blaring 'tomorrow' from Annie* WHAT FORTUNE! THIS SONG IS MY FAVORITE! *starts  
singing it at the top of his lungs*

M-  
~meanwhile~  
EMMETT: ~somehow the girls got him onto the couch and is being surrounded by them~ Um, if you'll  
excuse me, I have to go um, make a call!! ~gets up and starts dialing Rose's number frantically on his  
cell phone~  
ONE OF THE GIRLS: Don't be long, cutie! ~winks at him~  
EMMETT: ~puts the phone to his ear and waits for somebody to answer~ C'mon Rose, pick up!

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT? Is that you? THANK GOD! SAVE ME! *to someone in the background* NO  
ALICE, I DON'T WANT TO GET MY HAIR DONE! NO, I SAID NO!.... FINE! *returns to  
Emmett* Emmett, this better be quick, otherwise Alice might not let me live. What's up?

M-  
EMMETT: ~freaks out~ I AM SURROUNDED BY SKIMPY GIRLS AND THEIR BOOBS ARE  
FLYING EVERYWHERE!!! ROSE, VIOLET IS HERE!!! AND NOW, SHE HAS FRIENDS!!!  
ONE OF THE GIRLS: ~waves to Emmett and smilies~  
EMMETT: ~turns his back to them~ Rose, I'm freakin' out here!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: How did that TRAMP get FRIENDS? Emmett, where ARE you?

M-  
EMMETT: I have no idea!! Jasper got upset at me because I threw balls at his head and sent me to  
some city!! ~asks some random person~ Excuse me, do you know what city this is?  
GRUMPY OLD GUY: ARE YOU AN IDIOT!?!?!?! OBIVOUSEVELY, YOU ARE!! YOU'RE IN  
SEATTLE!!!!!! ~hits him on the side of the head~ YOU ARE AN IDIOT!! ~walks away angrily~  
EMMETT: Man, he has a big stick shoved up his a**!!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: JASPER did WHAT? Why were you throwing balls at his face?? Where are the others?

M-  
EMMETT: Well, Edward was pissing me off and I was trying to get him, but I missed and got Jasper  
on the head. And that's when I went flying. Never mind that though. ROSE, YOU HAVE TO SAVE  
ME BEFORE I DIE OF TOO MUCH CLEAVAGE!!!! ~hears Alice start talking~  
ALICE: NO!! THAT BABY WILL JUST HAVE TO LIVE!! THIS IS OUR GIRL TIME!! HE  
CAN'T INTERRUPT!!

K-  
ROSE: ALICE, YOU CAN'T JUST LET HIM STAY THERE ALL BY HIMSELF! AND I DON'T  
APPRECIATE YOU CALLING HIM A BABY, EITHER. MY HUSBAND ISN'T THE ONE  
WHO THREW HIS BROTHER INTO A DIFFERENT CITY!

M-  
ALICE: NO!!! MY HUSBAND IS A MAN BECAUSE HE THREW YOUR HUSBAND INTO  
ANOTHER CITY!!!! MOTHER!!! ROSE IS TALKING TO EMMETT!! AND EMMETT IS  
TRYING TO BREAK UP OUR GIRL'S NIGHT!!!

K-  
ROSE: MOTHER, HE NEEDS ME! HE'S SURROUNDED BY TRAMPS AND HE'S ALL BY  
HIMSELF!  
ESME: Girls. Quiet. No one is going anywhere. We are going to call Carlisle and make sure that he  
and the boys are going to go get Emmett. That is final.  
ROSE: But-  
ESME: Rose. That is quite enough. Finish up on the phone so we can call the others, dear.

M-  
EMMETT: NO ROSE!!! I FEAR THAT IF I HANG UP THIS PHONE, I MIGHT NEVER SEE  
DAY AGAIN!! DON'T LEAVE ME!!!

K-  
ROSE: I'm SORRY! NO CHOICE! I LO- *the phone is snatched away from her and is hung up*  
HEY! I WASN'T DONE WITH THAT!

M-  
EMMETT: ROSE!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!  
~everybody in the main lobby stops what they're doing and stares at him~  
EMMETT: OH, GO TO HELL!! ~storms up to his room~  
~Violet and her friends follow him~  
VIOLET: Hey, Emmet!! What room are you!?  
EMMETT: Why the hell would I tell you that!?  
VIOLET: Well, y'know, if you get lonely-  
EMMETT: Don't EVEN finish that sentence!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *his phone starts ringing* Oh my! A phone call! *turns off the radio and answers the  
phone* MOTHER! I have missed you so! How is your night out? Ours is FAB-U-LOUS!  
ESME: Edward dear, Is it true that Jasper threw Emmett all the way to Seattle?  
EDWARD: He made it all the way to Seattle? That is quite impressive, Jazz. *reaches for a high five*  
ESME: Edward!  
EDWARD: Sorry Mother. I SHOULD NOT BE SO UNKIND! EMMETT IS MY BROTHER!. I  
AM A MONSTER! *has to pull over to the side of the road to let his grief consume him*

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, I would like you speak you your mother please. ~takes the phone from  
Edward~ Esme, how is Emmett? Did he say?

K-  
ESME: Well, he said something about being smothered by girls, but you know how that boy can  
exaggerate. You're going to get him, though, right?

M-  
CARLISLE: Yes, we are on our way now. It is going to take quite some time though. We do not know  
where he is in the city.  
~at the hotel~  
VIOLET: ~is still following Emmett to his room~ OHEMGOD!!! WHAT A COINCIDENCE!! OUR  
ROOMS ARE RIGHT NEXT TO EACH OTHER!!!!!!! OH, HOW FUN!!!  
~all the girls start cheering~  
Why don't you come into our room?  
EMMETT: That's really okay-  
~the girls swarm around him and force him into their room and lock the door and one girl stands by it  
so he can't escape~

K-  
ESME: Ah. He said something about a hotel. I do not think he mentioned the name. Would you like me  
to call him?

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, yes please dearest. If you do not mind.  
~hotel~  
EMMETT: ~is now shirtless because one of the girls "tripped" and spilled their drink all over him~  
VIOLET: Oh, this is fun!  
~all the girls nod~  
VIOLET: Would you like something to drink, Emmett?  
EMMETT: No, that's okay-  
VIOLET: ~snaps her fingers and one of the girls hands him a beer~  
EMMETT: What are you? Their skanky leader?  
~all the girls gasp~

K-  
ESME: Alright, Love. I'll see you when you return. *hangs up and dials Emmett*

M-  
EMMETT: ~is now in his boxers because another girl spilled their drink on him~ WOULD YOU  
STOP IT!!!  
~they all giggle~  
EMMETT: ~picks up his phone~ HELLO!?  
~all the girls mimic him and say "HELLO!?"~

K-  
ESME: Emmett, may I ask what hotel you are staying at, dear? The boys are on their way to pick you  
up and they need to know.

M-  
~all the girls get really loud~  
VIOLET: WHO'S THAT ON THE PHONE, EMMETT!? IS THAT YOUR GIRLFRIEND!?  
~somehow steals the phone from Emmett~ SORRY ROSE!! YOU'RE JUST GUNNA HAVE TO  
WAIT!!!~hangs it up and sticks it down her shirt~  
EMMETT: ~is disgusted and tries to make a run for the door but all the girls stop him~  
~a few minutes later~  
EMMETT: ~is covered in kiss marks from the girls~ OKAY, I THINK I SHOULD BE LEAVING  
NOW!! ~tries to make another attempt to get free, but it's taken away from him when the girls step in  
front of the door again~

K-  
ESME: Rose? I'm not Rose. Wait, who was that? *tries dialing Emmett again while mumbling about  
'that silly boy and his pranks'*

M-  
VIOLET: ~her shirt starts buzzing but ignores it~  
EMMETT: VIOLET, LET ME GO!!  
VIOLET: NO!!  
EMMETT: YES!! I WANNA GO, RIGHT NOW!!!  
VIOLET: AND I SAY "NO!"

K-  
ESME: *sighs and dials Carlisle* Carlisle, he wouldn't say where he was and he wont pick up his  
phone.

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, dear me. This is quite a dilemma.  
JASPER: He deserved it though. Agreed? ~has "fixed" his hair~

K-  
EDWARD: *is hitting his head repeatedly against the steering wheel and causing it to honk the horn*  
MONSTER! *honk* MONSTER! *honk* MONSTER! *honk*  
ESME: Are you close enough to track him down? Maybe Edward can hear his thoughts.  
EDWARD: MONSTER! *honk*

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, calm down. Peace, son, peace. ~has to grab Edward so he won't hit his head  
against the steering wheel again~ Now Edward, are we close enough that you can hear Emmett's  
thoughts?

K-  
EDWARD: *squeezes his eyes shut to listen* OH DEAR LORD! MY MIND! IT HAS BEEN  
DIRTIED! NO AMMOUNT OF WINDEX COULD EVER MAKE THIS RIGHT! *all he can see  
are the girls trying to force themselves on Emmett, who is not wearing a shirt or pants, and with that  
thought in mind he resumes hitting his head on the steering wheel*  
UNPURE! *honk* UNPURE! *honk* UNPURE! *honk*

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward! Please son! What did you see?

K-  
EDWARD: IT WAS HORRIBLE, FATHER! THERE WERE THESE GIRLS! AND EMMETT!  
AND THE CLOTHES! THE SHAME! *is incoherent with disgust*

M-  
CARLISLE: Breathe son! Breathe! Now, try to explain it in term that all of us would understand. I  
need to know if my son is safe.

K-  
EDWARD: They were in a room. With girls. Lots of girls. And Emmett. No clothes. And the girls were  
laughing. *shudder*

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, oh m-my.. You can stop talking now, son. Do you think you can try to find the hotel?

K-  
EDWARD: *reads minds of others close by* I THINK he's at the Marriot.

M-  
CARLISLE: Okay, then let us go there and try to find him.  
~they go to The Marriot~  
CARLISLE: ~gets out of the car and goes into the main lobby and starts talking to a person behind the  
desk~ Yes, excuse me, but do you have an Emmett Cullen staying at this hotel?  
LADY AT THE DESK: I can't tell you that, sir.  
CARLISLE: ~gets out his license~ May I please see him? I am his father.  
LADY: Room 313. 6th floor.

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT! *starts pounding on the door of room 313* OPEN UP EMMETT! IT'S US!  
EMMETT! YOU MUST ANSWER THIS DOOR IMMEDIATELY! HAVE YOU NO RESPECT?  
NO RESPECT! NONE! *goes bursting into Emmett's room only to find it empty*

M-  
EMMETT: ~is still surrounded by all the girls and now he has makeup on him and more kiss marks~  
NO!! STOP PUTTING BOWS IN MY HAIR, DAMMIT!!! I AM A MAN!!  
ONE OF THE GIRLS: YES, YOU CERTAINLY ARE!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT? IS THAT YOU I HEAR? *runs to the next room and bursts through the  
door* EMMETT??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN HERE? AND WHERE ARE YOUR PANTS?  
HAVE YOU NO SHAME?

M-  
~all the girls gasp at Edward and start surrounding him~  
ONE OF THE GIRLS: Hey, handsome!  
VIOLET: Oh, is this your brother, Emmett?? Oh, now we'll have even more fun!!  
~the girls close the door right as Carlisle and Jasper were about to come in and lock it and stand by the  
door~

K-  
EDWARD: I DO NOT KNOW WHO YOU LADIES THINK YOU ARE BUT THIS IS NOT  
PRUDENT BEHAVIOR! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE! NOW, I'LL JUST BE TAKING MY  
BROTHER AND WE ARE LEAVING! WE HAVE WIVES, YOU KNOW!

M-  
ONE OF THE GIRLS: ~spills her drink all over Edward~ Oh, I am SO sorry!!!  
~a couple of minutes later~  
CARLISLE: ~can finally burst through the door without hurting anybody and looks at his sons and  
stifles a laugh~ Oh, hello ladies. I am just going to take my sons, and we will be on our way. Boys..  
~walks out of the room~  
JASPER: ~starts walking into the room~  
CARLISLE: ~stops him~ Really, son. What would Alice say?  
EMMETT: ~comes out of the room~

K-  
EDWARD: AND I'LL THANK YOU TO GIVE ME BACK MY CLOTHES! I FEEL SO  
EXPOSED! *is hiding behind the bed*

M-  
~the girls are angry that Emmett left so they just throw him out of the room without his clothes~  
JASPER: Oh, dear Edward!! Your hair!! ~heart breaks (if he had one) at the sight of Edward's hair~

K-  
EDWARD: *panics* WHAT? WHAT ABOUT MY HAIR? WHAT HAVE THEY DONE TO IT?

M-  
JASPER: ~pulls out a mirror to show him the damage~ You need some major work done to you!!  
EMMETT: ~is disgusted by them and goes into the room to take a shower to try and get off all the kiss  
marks~

K-  
EDWARD: OH NO! JASPER, YOU MUST SAVE ME! WHAT IF I WERE TO BE SEEN WITH  
SUCH A MONSTROSITY UPON MY SCALP?

M-  
~one of the girls to the room throws his clothes at Edward and lands on his head and then slams the  
door again~  
JASPER: ~quickly, Edward and him make a charge for the room and he fixes Edward's hair~  
CARLISLE: ~dials Esme's number~ Yes, we found him dearest. Do not fret. ~waits for 4 seconds~  
Yes, we found him in a room filled with girls and he was wearing nothing but his under garments. Please  
do not tell Rosalie, for I fear that she will be distraught.

K-  
ESME: Of course I would never tell her. But why on earth was Emmett in there? What was he  
thinking?

M-  
CARLISLE: I have no idea, dearest. I am going to have to ask him myself. he is currently in the  
shower, but as soon as he gets out, I shall ask him. How has your girls night out been so far?

K-  
ESME: Oh, it has been wonderful! We have been shopping and getting pedicures all day long! Little  
Renesme got this little watermelon dress that is absolutely adorable! Just wait until you see it dear, it's  
precious! How was bowling? Did you win?

M-  
CARLISLE: Well, we could not exactly play. Emmett was being, well. Emmett.  
JASPER: OHMEHGOD!! YOU LOOK FAB!!!! ~gushes over Edward~ OH, I THINK IT LOOKS  
BETTER THAN BEFORE!!  
~Edward's hair looks like an explosion occurred on his head~

K-  
ESME: That silly boy, always getting into trouble. Do I need to come down there and help? I'm sure  
the girls would be fine.  
EDWARD: REALLY? *looks in mirror* MY WORD, JASPER! YOU HAVE TRULY OUTDONE  
YOURSELF THIS TIME! GOOD HEAVENS, MY HAIR DEFIES GRAVITY WITH IT'S  
FEATHERY LUSCIOUSNESS! *starts making 'hey hey hey' faces in the mirror*

M-  
JASPER: ~does his signature hair move: hair toss, hair bob, twirls around, makes his hands into "guns",  
winks and then gives a blue steel stare~  
EMMETT: ~just got out of the bathroom in perfect time to watch this~ Uh..  
JASPER: ~clears his throat~ Right, well. ANYway.

K-  
EDWARD: *is bouncing up and down with joy* EMMETT! JUST LOOK AT WHAT JASPER HAS  
DONE TO MY HAIR! IS IT NOT THE MOST SPLENDID THING YOU HAVE EVER SEEN?  
*works the hair move* COME, LET US DO YOURS!

M-  
~as Edward was about to touch his head, Emmett grabs his hand, flips him over, and pins him to the  
ground~  
EMMETT: TOUCH. ME. YOU. DIE. DOUCHE BAG!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: But... But.. Emmett, think of the wonders we could do with all that curly brown hair! Just  
for a few minutes? Oh, please? Pretty please?

M-  
EMMETT: ~starts to jump up and down on him, picks him up and throws him out of the window, while  
the window was closed~ WHOOPS!! THINK OF ALL THE WONDERS I CAN THINK OF TO  
KILL YOU!!!!! BASTARD!!

K-  
EDWARD: *goes flying, flailing his arms around like a drunken monkey* CURSE YOU, EMMETT  
CULLLLLEEEEENNNN!

M-  
EMMETT: ~just laughs hysterically~ HA HA!!! DON"T TOUCH ME, F***ER!!!  
CARLISLE: Emmett!! ~rushes out of the room, goes downstairs out of the hotel to help Edward~

K-  
EDWARD: *is sprawled in the middle of the street* FATHER! OVER HERE! THANK GOD MY  
HAIR WAS HERE TO BREAK THE FALL! I MUST THANK JASPER!


	6. Chapter 6: It's about to be a GIRL FIGHT

M-  
~Carlisle's phone starts ringing~  
CARLISLE: ~picks up the phone~ Hel-  
~doesn't get to finish because a very frantic Alice starts talking~  
ALICE: CARLISLE!? WHERE IS EDWARD!? IS EDWARD OKAY!? I  
SAW THAT EMMETT PUSHED HIM OUT OF THE WINDOW, THAT  
BABY!!!  
CARLISLE: Edward is fine, dear child. Would you like to speak to him  
yourself?  
ALICE: YES!  
~Carlisle hands the phone to Edward~  
CARLISLE: Your sister is very worried about you.

K-  
EDWARD: ALICE! How nice of you to call! No, I'm fine. You needn't  
worry.

M-  
ALICE: NO!!! I I AM GOING TO WORRY!! WHAT THE F***ING  
F*** WAS THAT A**WIPE DOING, THROWING YOU OUT THE  
F***ING WINDOW LIKE A F***ING DRUNKEN MONKEY!?!?!?!  
THAT F***ING A**HOLE!!! JUST WAIT UNTIL THAT F***ER  
COMES F***ING HOME!!  
CARLISLE: ~mouth has dropped wide open~  
EMMETT: What are you trying to do, Carlisle? Catch flies?

K-  
EDWARD: Dear me, Alice, what has gotten in to you? Please tell me  
Renesme was not near enough to hear that! Such words from a lady  
such as yourself! It is not proper!

M-  
~there's a pause for 2 seconds~  
ALICE: Whoops..  
EMMETT: WAY TO GO, ALICE!! ~says to himself~ I can't believe  
that I just said that. Wow. I obviously HAVE been spending too much  
time with this f***ing family.

K-  
EDWARD: Oh Alice! Please say she didn't hear anything! My heart  
breaks for her quickly evaporating youth! Must we speed it up with  
such foul language?

M-  
ALICE: ~sees that Renesmee is right behind her~ Um, well, you see...  
CARLISLE: Dear me! That poor, poor child.  
EMMETT: What? She's gotta be used to it by now..

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, THAT IS EXACTLY MY POINT! SHE IS A  
DELICATE FLOWER! SHE SHOULD NOT BE USED TO THIS! HOW  
COULD YOU LOOK IN HER PRECIOUS BROWN EYES AND SAY  
THE THINGS YOU SAY IN FRONT OF HER? IT IS  
UNACCEPTABLE!

M-  
ALICE: OH, I AM SO SORRY, EDWARD!!! I DIDN'T REALIZE SHE WAS RIGHT BEHIND ME!! WILL YOU EVER FIND IT IN YOUR HEART-WAIT. WILL YOU EVER FIND IT IN YOUR COLD-CHESTED AREA WHERE YOU HEART SHOULD BE TO FORGIVE ME!?

K-  
EDWARD: OF COURSE I CAN, BELOVED! YOU ARE MY SISTER! I FEEL LIKE A MONSTER FOR MAKING YOU FEEL SO GUILTY! *hits his head on lamp post and creates a dent* I AM A MONSTER! SUCH DESTRUCTION IS ONLY PROOF!

M-  
ALICE: ~hits head on Rosalie~ I AM A MONSTER AS WELL!! WHY DO I NEED TO ACT LIKE SUCH A MONSTER!!! RENESMEE, PLEASE FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME!!! ~rushes over to her and squeezes the crap out of her~

K-  
RENESME: *shocks them all by actually speaking* Can't... Breathe...  
EDWARD: ALICE? WHAT IS GOING ON OVER THERE? DID NESSIE JUST SAY SOMETHING??? I KNEW SPLITTING FROM MY LITTLE RENESME WOULD NOT BE A GOOD IDEA!  
CARLISLE! WHERE ARE MY KEYS? I MUST GO SEE MY DAUGHTER AT ONCE!

M-  
EMMETT: NO!!! THAT'S NOT FAIR!!! IF HE'S LEAVING, THEN SO AM I!!!!  
CARLISLE: Please, Edward, Emmett. I cannot allow you to do that. You know that we have rules to these family gatherings.

K-  
EDWARD: FATHER, MY DAUGHTER NEEDS ME! YOU MUST UNDERSTAND THIS! SHE IS SO MUCH MORE FRAGILE THAN US! WHAT IF SHE WERE TO GET RUN OVER BY A SHOPPING CART? I WOULD NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF! IT WOULD BE ALL MY FAULT!

M-  
EMMETT: CARLISLE, ROSALIE IS MY WIFE!!! I HAVETA SEE  
HER TO MAKE SURE SHE'S NOT HITTIN' ON ANY GUYS!!! I  
KNOW ALL ABOUT ONE NIGHT STANDS!!  
CARLISLE: Yes, I am sure you do. But, no. Neither of you may leave.  
We need to be tight, yo. Down wit da homies, if you're feelin' me.

K-  
EDWARD: FATHER, YOU KNOW I WOULD LOVE TO BE CHILLIN  
WITH MY PEEPS, BUT CAN'T IT WAIT UNTIL AFTER I'VE  
SECURED THE SAFETY OF MY FAMILY??? IT IS OF THE  
UTMOST IMPORTANCE! THEIR LIVES MAY BE AT STAKE THIS  
VERY SECOND! YOU MUST NOT KNOW THE HORRORS THE  
AVERAGE AMERICAN MALL CAN HOLD!

M-  
CARLISLE: Edward, I am sorry, but we must roll wit da homies now.  
EMMETT: ~is in Carlisle's car and is driving in the direction where the girls are, driving about 90 miles per hour~  
CARLISLE: Oh, dear me, but where is Emmett?

K-  
EDWARD: HE LEFT! NO RESPECT FOR YOUR RULES, FATHER! NONE AT ALL! WE MUST FOLLOW HIM! MAKE HASTE! I FEAR HE IS GOING FAR OVER THE PRESCRIBED SPEED LIMIT!

M-  
CARLISLE: Yes, he is!!  
EMMETT: ~is miles and miles away from them~ FREEDOM!!!!!!!!!! FREEDOMMMMMM!!! ~puts the radio station on and listens to something that Edward would not approve of~

K-  
EDWARD: QUICKLY FATHER! THE KEYS! WE MUST FOLLOW HIM!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~looks inside his pockets~ I-I do not know where they are! Woe is me!  
~in Violet's room~  
VIOLET: ~sees something shiny on the floor and picks in up~ Car keys? ~thinks: OH, MAYBE EMMETT DOES LOVE ME AND WANTS ME TO FOLLOW HIM!!!~

K-  
EDWARD: WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU CAN'T FIND THEM! WHERE COULD THEY HAVE GONE???  
*starts to panic when he hears Violet's thoughts*  
OH FOR THE LOVE OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NO! WHY MUST THEY BE THERE, OF ALL PLACES???

M-  
VIOLET: ~stuffs them down her shirt so nobody can see and quickly runs out of the room, out of the hotel and goes to her car, gets in and races off in a rush~  
~Emmett somehow finds where the girls are and gets out of the car and rushes to Rosalie and glomps her~ ROSALIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: FATHER! THAT WRETCHED GIRL HAS RUN OfF WITH OUR KEYS! WHAT DO WE DO??? *starts beating his head at the wall in frustration*  
THINK! *bang* THINK! *bang* THINK! *bang*  
~meanwhile~  
ROSE: EMMETT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I'VE MISSED YOU! SAVE ME!  
ESME: EMMETT! What a surprise! Where is your father? And you brothers? Why aren't you at your hotel?? You have a lot of explaining to do, mister!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is ignoring her~ ROSE!! I'VE MISSED YOU, HOMIE!!!  
VIOLET: ~somehow found Emmett and gets out of the car and rushes to Emmett and glomps him, but gives herself a lot of bruises because he is after all build like a steel wall~ GOD DAYUM!! SOMEBODY HAS BEEN EATING HIS VEGETABLES!!! I'D LIKE TO SEE SOME OF THAT MORE WHEN-  
EMMETT: ~covers her mouth~ THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! AND WHY ARE YOU FOLLOWING ME!? STOP STALKING ME!!

K-  
ROSE: GET OFF OF MY HUSBAND, SKANK!!! ~tackles her~  
ESME: CHILDREN! SETTLE DOWN! EMMETT! ROSE! COME HERE THIS INSTANT! YOU TWO ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE! YOU JUST WAIT TILL YOUR FATHER GETS HERE!

M-  
EMMETT: ~somehow got into the middle of the fight and keeps getting tackled and his arms bend around him and finally he's had enough~ ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT!!! ~picks up Rose and puts her at one end of the room and picks up Violet and puts her to the other side~ GOD, WOMEN!!! TRYING TO KILL ME!?

K-  
ROSE: NO! BUT I AM TRYING TO KILL HER! LET GO, EMMETT!  
ESME: QUIET!!!!!!! I WILL NOT BE IGNORED! I AM YOUR MOTHER, DAMMIT!  
ROSE: *mouth hangs open*

M-  
EMMETT: DAMN, WHAT HAS GOTTEN BETWEEN YOU AND CARLISLE LATELY!? F***, DO WE NEED TO WASH YOUR F***ING MOUTHS OUT!?!?  
ALICE: OH, SHUT UP YOU BABY!!!  
EMMETT: STOP YELLING AT ME!!!  
ALICE: ~lunges at Emmett~  
VIOLET: ~lunges at Rose~

K-  
ESME: OH DEAR! *bites lip* YOU'RE RIGHT! WAIT! YOU ARE NOT CHANGING THE SUBJECT, MISTER! *watches the mayhem unfold as Rose grabs a fistful of Violet's hair*  
ROSE: YOU! *slap* WILL! *slap* LEAVE! *slap* MY! *slap* HUSBAND! *slap* ALONE!!! *slap*  
ESME: THAT'S IT! I'M CALLING YOUR FATHER!

M-  
VIOLET: ~attacks her with her big cleavage and her stripper boots~ STOP. ~hit~ HITTING. ~hit~ ME. ~hit~ AND. ~hit~REALIZE. ~hit~ THAT. ~hit~EMMETT. ~hit~ AND. ~hit~ I. ~hit~LOVE. ~hit~ EACH. ~hit~OTHER!!!!

K-  
ROSE: ~laughs as Violet's fists do absolutely nothing~ B****, please. ~gives her hair a yank~  
ESME: *dials Carlisle* PICK UP!!! BEFORE OUR CHILDREN KILL THEMSELVES!

M-  
~Rosalie pulled out some of her weave of hair~  
VIOLET: YOU B****!!!!!!! YOU WHOR*!!! YOU SKAN*!!!!! ~grabs her weave and tries to put it back in but can't~ YOU OWE ME A NEW WEAVE, HO*!!!

K-  
ROSE: *holds up the weave* What, this? You didn't just shave a cat for this or something? *throws it to the other side of the room where it hits Alice and continues beating Vi up, running into Esme in the process and knocking her phone out of her hand*  
ESME: CHILDREN! THAT'S ENOUGH! *gets her phone before it is crushed* CARLISLE PICK UP THE STUPID PHONE!

M-  
VIOLET: ~grabs the weave~  
EMMETT: ~accidentally stumbles backward and reaches out to grab something and ends up grabbing Violet's hair and pulls more of the weave out~  
VIOLET: NO!!! WHY!?!?!?  
EMMETT: ~gets up and rubs his head but looks at his hand and sees that the weave is on his hand~ MY GOD, WHAT IS THAT!?!?!?!

K-  
ROSE: DON'T TOUCH IT, EM! WE DON'T KNOW WHERE IT'S BEEN!!!  
*is about to hit Violet*  
EDWARD: *bursts through the door* WHAT IS THE MEANING OF ALL THIS RUCKUS???


	7. Chapter 7: Cars gone missing

M-  
EMMETT: ~throws the weave at Edward~ GOD, THAT THING WAS  
LIKE AN ANIMAL!!! IT ATTACKED ME!! I COULD SUE IT!!  
ALICE: CALM DOWN, BABY!!  
EMMETT: ~attacks Alice~  
CARLISLE: HOMIES!! THIS IS NOT HOW WE ACT!! NOT HOW  
HOMIES ACT!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, WHAT IS THIS? I MUST INSIST YOU DO  
NOT THROW THINGS EMMETT! IT IS NOT SAFE! NOR IS SUCH  
VIOLENT BEHAVIOR! *gestures to rose and violet*  
ROSE: SHE WAS COMING ON TO HIM, EDWARD! DON'T JUDGE  
ME!

M-  
VIOLET: ONLY CAUSE HE BELONGS TO ME!!! EMMETT, PLEASE  
TELL THIS SKANK ~points at Rosalie~ THAT YOU AND I ARE  
SUPPOSED TO BE TOGETHER!!! KEEP YOUR PAWS OFFA HIM!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: DEAR ME, CHILD! SUCH STRONG LANGUAGE FROM SUCH  
A YOUNG LADY! IT IS MOST DISTURBING!

M-  
VIOLET-EMMETT: OH, SHUT THE F*** UP!!!!  
~Emmett looks at Violet like she's crazy and then hides behind  
Rosalie~  
EMMETT: ~whispers to Rose~ Let's get outta here!

K-  
ROSE: Lets!  
EDWARD: *is still brushing off hair from Violet's weave and doesn't  
notice them leave*

M-  
EMMETT: ~steals Carlisle's car and drives off~  
VIOLET: ~runs after them~ NOOOOOOOOO!!! HONEY BUNCHES OF  
OATS!!!! COME BACK!!! I'LL NEVER LET YOU GO!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: HOW RUDE! I CANNOT BELIEVE SUCH A THING OF MY  
FAMILY! THE SHAME! THE SHAME!!!!  
WHERE IS MY WIFE? AND MY DAUGHTER?  
*gasps in horror when he realizes they saw the whole thing, and rushes  
over to Renesme, who he sweeps up in a death hug*  
DEAR CHILD! I AM SO SORRY YOU HAD TO WITNESS SUCH A  
SCENE! IT SHALL NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN! I AM A MONSTER FOR  
LETTING YOU SEE THAT! A MONSTER! WHAT KIND OF FATHER  
AM I???

M-  
JASPER: Oh Edward, your hair is STARTING TO  
DEFLATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
CARLISLE: ~just notices that Emmett and Rosalie are gone~ Where  
are Rosalie and Emmett?

K-  
ESME: I... Don't know! How could we have lost them already??  
EDWARD: I'M FALLING APART JASPER! MY FAMILY! MY HAIR!  
MY LIFE! I AM A MONSTER! THIS IS WHAT I DESERVE!

M-  
JASPER: NO NO!!!! Lucky for you, I always bring the goods. ~opens  
up his coat and all of his hair products are on the jacket~ Hmmmm..  
Which one shall we use so it will keep a firm hold?  
CARLISLE: ~goes outside and sees that his car is gone~ NO!!!!!!!!!!!  
FAMILY FUN DAY BONDING IS RUINED!!! ~sinks to his knees~

K-  
ESME: Carlisle dear! It's alright! We'll find them! Maybe we can  
salvage the night! They can't have gotten to far, right...?  
EDWARD: JASPER! YOU ARE MUCH TOO KIND TO A MONSTER  
LIKE MYSELF! I OWE YOU A THOUSAND BOTTLES OF HAIR  
GEL!!!

M-  
JASPER: OH, DEAR BROTHER!!! HUG ME!! BUT BE CAREFUL OF  
OUR HAIR!!! WE MUST ALWAYS BE CAREFUL OF THE HAIR!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *glomps Jasper* YOU ARE THE BEST BROTHER EVER,  
JASPER! BRO'S FOR LIFE! *reaches in for a nuggie but remembers  
about the hair just in time*

M-  
JASPER: PLEASE REFRAIN FROM DOING SUCH THINGS!! I DON'T THINK MY HAIR COULD POSSIBLY TAKE ANY MORE DAMAGE!!! ~looks at the clump of hair on the floor and has a heart attack~ WHO'S HAIR IS THAT!?!?!?!??!?! ~looks at everybody~ HMMMMM!?!?!?!?!!??!?!?!???!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!??!?!??!?! IT'S OKAY!!! ~runs over to the piece of the clumped weave on the floor~ DADDY'S HERE!! ~starts cradling the weaved hair~

K-  
EDWARD: JASPER! THAT'S NOT EVEN OURS! YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT'S BEEN! *whips out emergency disinfecting spray and starts squirting it everywhere. You know he brings that stuff with him every where so he can spray a room down before Renesme enters it.*

M-  
JASPER: ~gasps~ IMPOSTER HAIR!?!?!??! WHAT IS THIS I HEAR!? WHO'S IS THIS!??!!?  
~nobody answer~  
JASPER: HMMM!?!?!? NOBODY CAN LEAVE THIS ROOM UNTIL I KNOW HWO IT IS!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *shuffles his feet* It may or may not have belonged to that strange skimpily clothed girl who may or may not be stalking a certain brother of ours.

M-  
JASPER: WHAT!?!?!? WHAT GIRL!?!?!?? WHAT BROTHER!?!?!? GIVE ME DETAILS, MAN!!!

K-  
EDWARD: I DON'T KNOW MUCH ABOUT HER, DEAREST BROTHER! SHE WAS AT THE HOTEL WE WERE AT BEFORE, DO YOU REMEMBER? THE GIRL WITH THE SKIMPY CLOTHES! *shudders* THAT WOMAN HAS VIOLATED ME!  
JASPER, JUST PUT DOWN THE HAIR! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF GERMS ARE IN IT!

M-  
JASPER: B-BUT!!! IT'S HAIR ALL THE SAME!! IT SHOULD BE LOVED AND CARED FOR AND LOVED AND.. CARED FOR!!!  
ALICE: ~is pissed~ JUST PUT THE HAIR DOWBN, JAZZ!!!  
JASPER: ~gets protective of it~ NO!  
ALICE: JAZZ-  
JASPER: NO!!  
ALICE: ~tries to take it from him but Jasper moves away from her~  
JASPER: NO!!! IT NEEDS TO BE LOVED AND NURTURED!!  
ALICE: ~somehow takes it from him and throws it into the fire`  
JASPER: ~gasps~  
ALICE: Sorry hun, but it's only hair. Fake hair, actually..  
JASPER: ~gets down on the floor and starts rocking back and forth~ YES, THAT'S ALL IT WILL EVER BE. JUST. HAIR!! ~starts sucking on his thumb and continues to rock back and forth~

K-  
EDWARD: JASPER! STAY WITH US! DO YOU HEAR ME? IT IS FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, BROTHER! IT HAD GERMS! *takes him by the shoulders and shakes him* SNAP OUT OF IT!!!!!!

M-  
JASPER: ALL. IT. WILL. EVER. BE. NO. IMPORTANCE. NONE. WHATSOEVER. WASTED. JUST. LIKE. MY LIFE. MY. FUTURE. NOBODY. CARES.  
ALICE: OF COURSE WE CARE, HUN!!! It was just not the hair you know and love!!  
JASPER: I. LOVE. EVERY. STRAND. OF. HAIR. HAIR!!!! ~starts dry sobbing~

K-  
EDWARD: *continues to shake his shoulders* JASPER! SNAP OUT OF IT! YOU! ARE! BETTER! THAN! YOUR! PROBLEMS! DO YOU HEAR ME? IT'S GOING TO BE OKAY! YOU CAN DO THIS!  
ALICE! WHAT DO WE DO????

M-  
JASPER: ~keeps sucking his thumb~  
ALICE: ~frantically looks at Carlisle~  
CARLISLE: ~runs over to Violet who is still outside, grabs a chunk of her weave and hands it to Jasper~  
JASPER: ~cradles the weave like a baby~

K-  
EDWARD: Jasper, dearest brother! Surely you realize you cannot go on like this! IT IS SYNTHETIC HAIR, JASPER! MADE OUT OF NYLON! OH. MY. HEAVENS! THIS IS NOT SANITARY! *sprays more sanitizer*  
OH NO! IT IS EMPTY! DON'T PANIC EVERYBODY! I'M SURE I HAVE A SPARE SOMEWHERE! RENESME, SUGARPLUM, DON'T TOUCH THAT! *points to the weave fragments in jasper's arms* IT HAS NOT BEEN DISINFECTED!

M-  
JASPER: ~tries to wipe off the spray but fails and cradles the weave and starts rocking back in forth~ SOILED. MY. BABY. MY. FUTURE. MY. LIFE. RUINED.

K-  
EDWARD: REALLY, JASPER! IT IS NOT YET CLEANSED OF IT'S FILTH! YOU MUSTN'T TOUCH IT! IT IS NOT SANITARY! *runs out to the car to search for the spare sanitizer, but sees that it is gone*  
NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!! MY VOLVO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I WEEP FOR THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! *sinks to his knees in anguish* MY CAR!!!!!!

M-  
~meanwhile~  
EMMETT: HA HA!!!THE BASTARD IS PROBABLY WEEPING ON THE GROUND, SAYING SH** LIKE "NOOOOOOOO!!! MY VOLVO!!!!!! I WEEP FOR THEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ~cracks up~

K-  
EDWARD: *starts hitting the ground where the car was* NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MY CAR!!!!! HOW COULD I HAVE LET IT FROM MY SIGHT?  
STUPID! *hit* STUPID! *hit* STUPID! *hit*  
WHERE COULD IT HAVE GONE???????

M-  
ALICE: Well, I have a guess..  
JASPER: ~is still cradling the hair and is sucking on his thumb~  
VIOLET: ~is still screaming~ EMMMMETTTTTTTTTTT!!! THE LOVE OF MY LIFEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!! COME BACKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!  
CARLISLE: Goodness gracious! Dear me!

K-  
ESME: *starts to cry* MY FAMILY! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO MY FAMILY???  
EDWARD: *crawls up to Alice and pulls her by the collar* ALICE! YOU MUST TELL ME! IF ANYTHING WERE TO HAPPEN TO MY CAR...! SO MANY MEMORIES! AND I NEVER EVEN GOT PICTURE FOR THE SCRAPBOOK! RENESME WAS GOING TO LEARN HOW TO DRIVE IN THAT CAR, ALICE! OH, MY VOLVO! MY CAR!!!!!!

M-  
ALICE: ~is embarrassed to say anything~ Well, erm, you see. Uh..

K-  
EDWARD: *starts shaking her* OUT WITH IT, WOMAN! THAT'S MY CAR OUT THERE! MY VOLVO! WHAT IF THE PAINT WERE TO BE SCRATCHED? OH, MY! I MUST SAVE IT! YOU MUST TELL ME, ALICE! YOU MUST!

M-  
ALICE: ~is embarrassed~ Well.. Um.. er.. There's going to be a couple of new stains on the interior.. .  
CARLISLE: Oh goodness me!

K-  
EDWARD: NO! THIS IS A TRAVESTY! THAT WAS A FAMILY CAR! THE CAR SEAT IS STILL IN THE BACK AND EVERYTHING! WHO TOOK IT ALICE, WHO?

M-  
VIOLET: ~has broken the window to the car and hot wired the car and drives off~  
ALICE: Well, I guess I should get you a new car for Christmas..


	8. Chapter 8: Seperation Anxiety

K-  
EDWARD: NO! ALICE, WHERE IS YOUR PORSCHE? PLEASE TELL ME YOU BROUGHT IT! PLEASE!!!!!!

M-  
ALICE: Well, um, you see.. ~pause~ No, I didn't. I can't lie to you. Esme said that there was no need for it.

K-  
EDWARD: ESME! HOW COULD YOU! MY CAR COULD BE IN SHAMBLES BY THE TIME I GET IT BACK!  
ESME: OH, I'M SO SORRY DEAR! I SHALL MAKE IT UP TO YOU! WHEN THIS IS ALL OVER! WE'LL THINK OF SOMETHING, I PROMISE!  
EDWARD: BUT WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO??? MY CAR! MY CAR!!!!!

M-  
CARLISLE: MY CAR!!! MY CAR!!! THAT HOOLIGAN STOLE MY CAR!!! DAMN KIDS!!  
( ah ha ha ha!!!! Carlisle's turning into MIKE THE BUS DRIVER!!)

K-  
EDWARD: OH, BUT I HAVE HAD THE MOST GENIUS PLAN! DO NOT DESPAIR, FATHER! *whips out his phone and calls Mike*

M-  
MIKE: ~was playing twister with his 99 cats and all of their snuggies when his cell phone starts ringing "I'm a barbie girl"~ HELLO!? EDWARD, YOU NEED ME TO COME DOWN THERE!?!?!? I WILL BE THERE IN A JIFFY!!!  
~all the cats start meowing and attack him because they don't want tihm to leave~  
MIKE: DON'T FRET, KITTIES!!! GET ON THE BUS!!  
~all the cats run onto the bus and Mike drives to where Edward is in his "pimpin'" bus.~

K-  
EDWARD: *watches with joy as the bus careens into the parking lot, narrowly missing a couple hundred cars on his way.* GOOD HEAVENS! WE ARE SAVED! COME, FAMILY! WE MUST GO AT ONCE!  
MIKE, I COULD NEVER THANK YOU ENOUGH! WHO KNOW WHAT WILL HAPPEN TO MY VOLVO IF WE DO NOT GET THERE IN TIME!

M-  
MIKE: ~opens the door and a flood of kittens come out of the bus crashing on Edward~ OH NO!!!!!! MY KITTIES!!!!! EDWARD, SAVE THEM!!!!  
~as he was saying this Miss Fluffikins gets down Edward's pants and starts clawing him~

K-  
EDWARD: I do, say, little one, I do not find this in the least bit appropriate! not at all! *pulls up his pants hastily* And Sir Fuzzypaws, where do you think you are going? *begins chasing the cats around the parking lot, gathering them in his arms until they have reached full capacity and puts them back on the bus, then realizes how much cat hair is on him* Oh dear! I have been contaminated! *starts spritzing his clothes with sanitizer*  
Mike, do you by any chance have a lint roller??? I CANNOT LET MY DAUGHTER SIT ON MY LAP WHEN IT IS THIS FUZZY!

M-  
MIKE: I CAN'T BECAUSE MY GOD DAMN CATS ATE THEM!!!!!!!!  
~the cats stampede Mike and attack him and one cat closes the door to the bus so nobody can get in and keep attacking Mike~  
MIKE: EDWARD!!! HELP ME!!! I AM DROWNING IN MY OWN KITTIES!!!!!!!!!!!!! MRS. SNUGGIEFUR, WHY MUST YOU STOMKP ON MY FACE!?!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: NO! NOT MIKE! *slow mo moment as Edward dives into the kitty mosh pit and pulls out mike* BREATHE, MAN! BREATHE! I. CAN'T. LOSE. YOU!

M-  
MIKE: ~coughs up fur and eyes roll back into his head~  
~the kittens all attack Edward and Mike~

K-  
EDWARD: OUT WITH YOU, YOU FOUL BEASTS! *shoves the cats off the bus* MIKE! MIKE! STAY WITH ME! *shakes his shoulders* YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO DIE!

M-  
~the cats are pissed so they bombard Edward even more~  
ALICE: OH, LOOK IT THE LITTLE KITTIES!!! ~picks one up and starts nuzzling one~ Who's a cute little furball!?

K-  
EDWARD: ALICE! NO FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY! GO GET FATHER! I FEAR MIKE WILL NOT MAKE IT! OH, IT IS ALL MY FAULT! I SHOULD NEVER HAVE ASKED HIM TO COME HERE!

M-  
ALICE: ~is rubbing her head against the kitty~ I LOVE THIS CAT MORE THAN MY OWN BEING!!! I WILL HAVE SEPERATION ANXIENTY IF I AM TO BE TAKEN AWAY FROM THIS CAT!!!  
~the cat looks like a piece of s***, literally, but in Alice's eyes, it looks like a perfect cat, with no beer stains or the coat that's falling off~

K-  
EDWARD: OK FINE! KEEP THAT CAT! BUT YOU'RE CLEANING UP AFTER IT, ALICE! DO YOU HEAR ME? *pushes all the other cats off the bus* MIKE! DO NOT GO INTO THE LIGHT, MIKE! JUST THINK OF ALL THE HOOLIGANS YOU HAVEN'T REPRIMANDED YET! DON'T LEAVE ME!

M-  
MIKE: ~comes back slowly~ T-those. d-damn. HOOLIGANS!!!!!!! ~gets up~ WHERE ARE THE DAMN HOOLIGANS THAT STOLE YOUR CAR!?!?!? WE'LL FIND THEM!! I AM SURE OF IT!! GOD DAMN CATS!! ~starts the bus up~ COME ON!!! GET YOUR HOOLIGAN'S BUTTS ON THIS BUS!!!

Loading...  
K-  
EDWARD: OH, MIKE! YOU ARE OKAY! FAMILY! WE MUST LEAVE AT ONCE! MY VOLVO IS IN GREAT DANGER!  
ESME: *sees Alice with the cat as she gets on the bus* That is quite a lovely... creature, dear. Does it have, um, a name?  
EDWARD: *also sees Alice with the cat and grabs Renesme to sit on the opposite side of the bus, mumbling about fleas and ticks*

M-  
ALICE: I SHALL CALL HIM SQUISHY AND HE SHALL BE MINE!!  
MIKE: HIS NAME IS MR. FLUFFABUDDY!!  
ALICE: SQUISHY!!  
MIKE: FLUFFABUDDY!!!

K-  
ESME: Alice, it's ok. There's plenty of time to think of a name. Can you tell us where we are going, please? So we don't get this nice man lost?

M-  
ALICE: SQUISHY!!! HE'S MY SQUISHY!!!!  
MIKE: HE'S FLUFFABUDDY!!! AND HE'S MINE!!! ~stops driving and takes the cat away from Alice~  
ALICE: NNOOOOOOO!!! SQUISHYYYYYYYY!!!!!! ~lunges for the cat~

K-  
ESME: Alice, dear, maybe we should get our own cat. And you could name him whatever you wish, darling.  
EDWARD: And he'd have all his shots! *Hugs Renesme in closer so that she is as far away from the cat as possible*

M-  
ALICE: ~steals the kitty and runs to the back of the bus~  
JASPER: ~the cats are currently attacking his hair, thinking it's a play toy~ NO KITTIES!!!! MY HAIR IS NOT PLAYTHINGS!!! IT IS FINELY CRAFTED HAIR THAT SHOULD BE IN MAGAZINES!!! THE "JASPER LOOK" IT SHOULD BE CALLED!!!

K-  
EDWARD: ALICE, DON'T YOU DARE COME NEAR ME WITH THAT CAT! YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT THIS! *hold Renesme over his head so that she is not withing reach of any of the cats* HANG ON SWEETIE! DADDY'S GOT YOU!

M-  
ALICE: ~sits down in the backseat and snuggles the cat~ Awww. Mommy loves you!!!  
~the cat scratches her hard on the nose~  
ALICE: ~gets pissed~ WHAT!?!? THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TREAT YOUR MOTHER!! ~rolls the window down and throws the cat out the window~  
MIKE: MY KITTY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: OH THANK GOODNESS! Although, Alice, I must say. There was probably a better way to do that. Oh dear, Alice! Jasper is in trouble! *pull out yellow rubber gloves that come up past his elbow- the kind you normally wear when you clean the tub* I KNEW THESE WOULD COME IN HANDY! HOLD ON JASPER! I AM COMING!  
ALICE, HOLD RENESME AWAY FROM THE CATS! I COULD NOT BEAR IT IF SHE WERE TO INHALE THE DANDER! HER LUNGS SHALL NOT BE DAMAGED!

M-  
MIKE: ~watches as his kitty hits a windshield of a car and his heart breaks~ NOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! MR. FLUBBABUDDY!!!! ~starts crying~ NO NO NO NO NO NO NO!!! ~has a fit and starts honking the wheel and banging his head on the window~ NOOOOOOOOOO!!!

K-  
EDWARD: MIKE! PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER, MAN! YOU MUST KNOW MR. FLUFFABUDDY IS IN A BETTER PLACE NOW! PLEASE, MIKE, KEEP YOUR EYES ON THE ROAD! MY DAUGHTER IS IN THE BACKSEAT! WE CANNOT AFFORD TO HAVE AN ACCIDENT!

M-  
MIKE: ~puts his eyes back on the road, but starts crying~ NO!! MR. FLUFFABUDDY!!! WHERE DID I GO WRONG!?!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD GET YOUR KITTENS THEIR SHOTS, MIKE! AND PERHAPS SOME OBEDIENCE TRAINING! OH, MIKE! DO NOT DESPAIR! I AM SURE HE IS AT PEACE NOW!

M-  
MIKE: I THINK THEY ACT FINE AND LOOK LOVELY!! THAT'S IT!!! OFF THE BUS!! ~stops driving and opens the door and pushes all of them outside, throws the snuggie Edward made him, closes the door and drives~

K-  
EDWARD: WAIT! MIKE! *starts running next to the bus* I'M SORRY MIKE! THAT WAS UNACCEPTABLE! FORGIVE ME, FRIEND!

M-  
MIKE: ~opens the window and throws a cat directly at his face and then closes the door and drives faster~ NO!! FRIENDSHIP OVER!!

K-  
EDWARD: MIKE! MY DAUGHTER IS ON THIS BUS AND I REFUSE TO LEAVE HER! MIKE! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE!  
MIKEEEE!

M-  
MIKE: ~pulls over and picks up Renesmee and puts her out of the bus and glares at the rest of the Cullens~  
ALICE: Okay hun, I think we should go!  
JASPER: ~whips out his mirror and examines his hair and then steps off the bus~  
CARLISLE: Dear friend, I hope this circumstance will not-  
MIKE: GET OFF!!!  
CARLISLE: O_O!!! ~gets off in a hurry~

K-  
EDWARD: *grabs Renesme before her feet even hit the ground* DO NOT BE AFRAID, SWEETIE! DADDY WILL FIGURE A WAY OUT OF THIS!  
MIKE, PLEASE THINK ABOUT THIS! YOU CANT LEAVE ME AND MY FAMILY HERE IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE! HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO SAVE MY VOLVO?

M-  
MIKE: ~closes the door and drives off~  
ALICE: Yup, we're stuck.  
JASPER: AND MY HAIR IS GOING TO SUFFER!!!

K-  
EDWARD: NO! FATHER! WHAT SHALL WE DO???

M-  
CARLISLE: Well, we shall have to search for transportation. Possibly a taxi would suffice. Wait dearies, where is dear Bella?

K-  
EDWARD: BELLA! OH MY LORD! WE'VE FORGOTTEN BELLA! HOW COULD I? WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND AM I??? WHAT KIND OF HUSBAND LEAVES HIS WIFE BEHIND??? I AM A MONSTER! A MONSTER!!!!!!!  
~meanwhile~  
BELLA: ALICE! THIS IS THE LAST TIME I TRY ON ONE OF YOUR RIDICULOUS DRESSES! IT TOOK ME FOREVER TO GET OUT OF THIS ONE! *opens the door to the changing room* Alice? Esme? Renesme? OH MY GOD, RENESME!!!

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, dear me! That poor soul.  
ALICE: Oh yeah! I made her put on this ridiculous dress!! It was HALIRIOUS! But yes, we must find her!! She could be kidnapped!

K-  
EDWARD: BUT HOW ARE WE GOING TO GET TO HER???  
*sees a single car coming down the highway and realizes that this is their only chance, and sticks out his thumb*  
~5 minutes later they're in a car with complete strangers and Edward is having an anxiety attack over foreign germs*  
DIVER: So, where y'all from?

M-  
CARLISLE: We are from a small town called Forks. Oh, thank you so much for picking us up! I do hope this is not much of a problem. I shall pay you for your services of course. How much do you need for gasoline?

K-  
DRIVER: Oh it's no problem, man. Forks, huh? Never heard of it. So, where is it y'all are headed again?  
RENESME: *reaches out for his cheek*  
EDWARD: NO! NESSIE! DON'T TOUCH THAT! *pulls her hand away before she exposes them*  
*everyone stares*  
EDWARD: *cough* I mean, um, let's keep our hands to ourselves, shall we sweetie?

M-  
CARLISLE: ~looks at Alice~  
ALICE: They're in your car. They should be a couple of hours away from here. ~thinks: And Violet is chasing them~

K-  
EDWARD: *whispers* What about Bella? I SHALL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF IF ANY HARM WERE TO COME TO HER WHEN WE LEFT HER!  
DRIVER: Everything all right back there?

M-  
ALICE: Shh!! She's fine. Nobody is going to kidnap her. I was just joking. That's the last thing we need.

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K-  
EDWARD: OH MY LORD! I HADN'T EVEN THOUGHT OF THAT! BELLA!!!!!! MY LOVE!!!! MY ONLY LOVE!!!! WE'RE COMING, DEAR, SWEET, BELLA!!!

M-  
ALCIE: KEEP IT DOWN!!! She's not going to get kidnapped!!! Be strong for Nessie!!

K-  
EDWARD: *closes his eyes in concentration* Be... Strong... Be... Stronnnngggg....  
It's ok Nessie. We're going to get mommy. We're on our way. It's ok. EVERY THING IS GOING TO BE OKAY! *starts rocking back and forth*

M-  
ALICE: ~pats Edward's back~  
CARLISLE: Dear friend, how long is it going to take to get to our beloved one?

K-  
DRIVER: Y'all are headed to the mall, right? 'Bout 15, 20 minutes. We'll get you there right quick.

M-  
ALICE: WE'RE FIXIN' TO GO TO THE RODEO!!!  
JASPER: ~just stares at Alice like, what the crap, did you seriously just say that~  
ALICE: Eh heh.. Anyway..

K-  
EDWARD: 20 MINUTES??? OH DEAR! OH DEAR OH DEAR OH DEAR!  
SHE MAY BE LOST BY THEN! HOW COULD I HAVE LET THIS HAPPEN??? *breaks out into heaving sobs*

M-  
ALICE: So, where ya'll from? Are ya from 'round 'ere?

K-  
DRIVER: Well, now, we're from Kentucky! We've been drivin' cross country right quick!

M-  
ALICE: Why ya'll drivin' 'round this 'ere country? Don't you got anythin' better to do?

K-  
DRIVER: Well, we got bored of shootin' possums and we decided, heck, the country gots to have loads of other stuff, right?

M-  
ALICE: Ohhh. So ya'll like roamin' this here country? Well, I'mz a down for a good drive, right quick!  
CALRISLE: Alice, what has happened to your voice?  
ALICE: Nuttin' paw. Just keepin' it real.

K-  
EDWARD: ALICE! NO! THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU ARE SAYING! WE MUST. SAVE. BELLA!!!!!!!!  
AND PLEASE, MIND YOUR DICTION!  
BELLA!!! MY LOVE!!!!!!!!!!! MY ONLY LOVEEEEEE!

M-  
~they arrive at the mall~  
ALICE: Thanks ya'll fer the ride!

K-  
EDWARD: *leaps out of the car in a blur* BELLA! DO NOT BE AFRAID! WE'RE HERE!!! WHERE ARE YOU BELLA???? BELLA!!!!!!  
~meanwhile~  
BELLA:*is wandering the mall and spots Spencer's* Oh! Pretty lights! *walks in*  
Oh dear.... I do not think this is the kind of store I thought it was...

M-  
ALICE: Why is Bella in Spencer's looking at a playboy purse? ~gasp~ IS BELLA OKAY!?

K-  
EDWARD: NO, THAT CAN'T BE BELLA! YOU MUST HAVE GOTTEN THE WRONG GIRL, ALICE!!! *reads Alice's mind*  
NO! BELLA! WHAT KIND OF THINGS HER EYES HAVE SEEN TODAY! THE SHAME!!! THE SHAME!!!!!!! IT'S ALL MY FAULT!  
QUICKLY! WE MUST SAVE HER!

M-  
~they all run inside and see Bella looking at inappropriate things~

K-  
EDWARD: BELLA! THERE YOU ARE! WHAT ARE YOU DOING???  
*pulls her out of the store*  
I AM SO SORRY! I AM NOT WORTHY OF YOUR FORGIVENESS! I DESERVE TO BE LONELY FOR THE REST OF MY PITIFUL EXISTENCE!  
BELLA: NO! IT'S MY FAULT! I SHOULD NOT HAVE TAKEN SO LONG IN THE DRESSING ROOM! FORGIVE ME!

M-  
CARLISLE: Oh, dear Bella! Thank goodness you are okay! Nobody tried to hurt you in any way did they? If they did, you must tell me. I will get my homies and we will be on them like the no tomorrow!

K-  
BELLA: No, I'm perfectly fine. Wait! Renesme! Where is she? DO YOU HAVE RENESME???

M-  
ALICE: Don't tell me ya'll left 'er behind.

K-  
EDWARD: OF COURSE NOT! I WOULD NEVER DO SUCH A THING! I HAVE LEARNED MY LESSON!!! *looks around and spots Renesme in Spencers*  
NESSIE! NO!!!!!! YOUR EYES ARE FAR TOO BEAUTIFUL TO BE SPOILED SO! YOUR YOUTHFUL INNOCENCE SHALL NOT BE CORRUPTED IN SUCH A MANNER! I FORBID IT! LOOK AWAY!  
*whisks her away from the store*

M-  
JASPER: ~is looking at all the things in Spencer's, grabds one of the items and looks at it~ Oh, oh my.  
CARLISLE: O_O!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
ESME: Children! I do not think this is an appropriate way to spend the remainder of our family outing!  
EDWARD: I QUITE AGREE! JASPER, THAT IS DESPICABLE! WHO MAKES SUCH PRODUCTS? THE FOULNESS OF IT IS ABSOLUTELY ASTOUNDING! THE SHAME! THE SHAME!!!! *puts his hands over Bella and Renesme's eyes* NOTHING TO SEE HERE, DEAREST! NOTHING AT ALL!  
WE MUST MOVE TO SAFER GROUNDS!  
*spots the kids corner with all the like slides and stuff and drags Bella and Renesme to hide under a Giant plastic mushroom*  
Safe place! SAFE PLACE!

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M-  
ALICE: ~glances over and sees Emmett and Rose in the Spencer's shop~ EMMETT!?  
EMMETT: ~sees Alice and quickly turns around, puts a panda mask on his face and turns around again and speaks in a deep voice~ Who are you talking about, little girl? Who is this Emmett character? I don't know him, but I'm sure he's very strikingly handsome.

K-  
ROSALIE: *hides behind a Tee-shirt hanging on the wall, but it only covers half her face*  
EDWARD: EMMETT! ROSE! IS THAT YOU? OH THANK GOODNESS! THIS MUST MEAN THAT MY VOLVO IS SAFELY RETURNED!

M-  
EMMETT: ~crawls up into a fetal position and starts sucking his thumb~ no. no. NO!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: WHAT DO YOU MEAN, NO? WHERE IS MY CAR, EMMETT???  
IF IT IS IN LESS THAN THE PERFECT CONDITION I LEFT IT IN YOU OWE ME NEW UPHOLSTERY, EMMETT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets up and runs out of the store, still wearing the panda mask~  
Girl from the store: Hey!!! You need to pay for that!!

K-  
ROSALIE: WAIT FOR ME!  
ESME: CHILDREN! WHY ARE YOU LEAVING SO SOON? COME BACK!!!  
EDWARD: QUICK FAMILY! TO THE VOLVO! WE MUST SAVE WHAT IS LEFT OF IT!  
*grabs Renesme and and Bella and runs for the exit*

M-  
~the Volvo is once again gone and there's a note on the ground that says "See you later, suckas" with the panda mask~

K-  
EDWARD: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!! *falls to his knees in despair* NOT AGAIN! CURSE YOU, EMMETT CULLEN! NO RESPECT! NONE!!!!  
*hits the ground so hard with his fist it leaves a crack*

**More Coming soon! **

**And also, I wanted to point out again that we have a website, which not only has some really cool extra stuff like pictures, but it will also help clear up a lot of confusion because it also has an 'about the characters' page, which will help explain Mike and Violet, especially. So check it out if you want at http://twistedtwilight. webs. com/**

**Enjoy!  
**


	9. Chapter 9: Why Volvos and water dont mix

M-  
CARLISLE: ~runs to Edward and embraces him and starts singing softly in his ear~ Hush little vampie, don't you cry. Daddy's gunna get you a Volvo to buy. And if that Volvo won't shine, Daddy will get you another Volvo to buy.

K-  
EDWARD: THE THOUGHT IS APPRECIATED FATHER, BUT THIS VOLVO HAD SO MANY MEMORIES! I NEARLY RAN OVER MOLESTERS WITH IT! NOBODY UNDERSTANDS! MY VOLVO! MY CAR!!!!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~embraces him tighter~ Sing with me. You are my sunshine. My only sunshine. You make me happy when skies are grey..

K-  
EDWARD: *sings though his misery* You'll never know, car, how much I love you. Please don't take my volvo away.  
IT'S NOT HELPING! FATHER! MY CAR IS OUT THERE! DEFENSELESS!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~sighs~  
ALICE: Edward, I am sure that your Volvo will be- ~stares off into space and then makes a face~ Um. Right. Well..

K-  
EDWARD: *moans in agony* My CARRRRRRRRR!!!!!! How are we going to get it back??? MY FRIEND HAS DESERTED US!

M-  
ALICE: WE"RE GOING TO MAKE IT THROUGH THIS EDWARD!! THINK POSITIVE THINGS!!!

K-  
EDWARD: POSITIVE... THINGS.... THINK!!!  
I... Still have Bella and Renesme. BUT NOTHING TO DRIVE THEM IN!  
OH, WOE IS ME!

M-  
CARLISLE: You poor soul!! You shall borrow my car!

K-  
EDWARD: Oh Carlisle, You are a GODSEND! Thank you, father! I shall make this up to you, I promise! ALRIGHT FAMILY! PILE IN! We're on a rescue mission!

M-  
~they all pile into the car~  
JASPER: There is not enough room for me and my big hair!

K-  
EDWARD: Jasper, I have the deepest respect for your incredible coiffure, but I'm afraid this is most urgent. Can't we just fix it when we get there? *starts busying himself with Renesme's car seat* Hold still sweetie, Daddy needs to buckle you in nice and snug! *pulls out a helmet and puts it on her head* Just in case, sweetheart. *tries to kiss her forehead but keeps bumping into the helmet*

M-  
JASPER: No, I'll just go in the trunk. Don't care about me. ~climbs into the hood~

K-  
ESME: Why, Jasper, don't be so ridiculous. Here, if we all squeeze in there should be plenty of room. It'll be nice and cozy! Come on Jasper. For me?

M-  
JASPER: No. None of you care about me, so this trunk will have to suffice. ~sighs and puts the hood down~

K-  
ESME: Jasper, that is not true. we care very deeply for you and your hair. Don't we, children?  
EDWARD: *nods* Aw, Jazz, don't be like that. You are my brother! Brothers until the end of time! And Alice wants you up here too! Right Alice?

M-  
ALICE: ~mumbles some stuff about how he'll just talk about his hair~  
JASPER: SEE!?!!? EVEN THE LOVE OF MY LIFE HATES ME!!!! ~sobs~

K-  
ESME: OH, HONEY! THAT ISN'T TRUE! *elbows Alice in the ribs before rushing up to hug him and starts to stroke his hair*

M-  
JASPER: LEAVE ME HERE TO WALLOW IN MY OWN SELF MISERY!!! LEAVE ME TO DIE!!! FEED ME TO THE VOLUTURES!!!

K-  
EDWARD: Jasper, we would never do that! Please get in the car. We all want you here! All of us! *gestures to the car, where Renesme has fallen asleep*

M-  
JASPER: ~gets out and squeezes himself into the car~

K-  
EDWARD: Thank you Jasper! *turns the key in the ignition and speeds off* Alice, where are they now?

M-  
ALICE: Take a right up here. They're by the brigde. Apparently, they think it's funny to throw your car over the bridge.

K-  
EDWARD: WHAT??????????? *speeds up and cuts about 30 people off weaving through traffic* NO! NOT MY VOLVO!

M-  
~all they see is a shiny end of the Volvo going to it's Volvo death~

K-  
EDWARD: *Stops the car, gets out, and runs to the end of the bridge* NO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  
*sinks to the ground in the middle of the lane and sobs, causing traffic to honk and swerve*

M-  
~Emmett and Rose are nowhere in sight~  
JASPER: ~straightens his hair~ NO!!! SOME OF MY FINEST HAIR PRODUCTS WERE IN THERE!!! WHAT A WASTE!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *curls up into a ball and continues to sob* MY CAR! MY VOLVO!  
BELLA: *walks up to him and places her hand on his shoulder* Hun, it's going to be okay. It had a good life.  
EDWARD: IT'S JUST SO HARD TO LET IT GO! I WILL MISS IT! I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE IT'S REALLY GONE! MY CAR! MY VOLVO! *sob*

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M-  
JASPER: ~sinks down and rocks back and forth~ MY. HAIR. PRODUCTS!!!! THIS IS THE END OF THE WORLDDDDD!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: ALL MY MEMORIES ARE SINKING TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS VERY POLLUTED RIVER! I CAN'T BEAR TO THINK OF THE LEATHER SOAKING THROUGH AND DETERIORATING! OF THE SILVER PAINT CHIPPING AWAY WITH EVERY CURRENT! MY POOR, POOR VOLVO! WHY???

M-  
JASPER: MY HAIR PRODUCTS!!! WHAT A WASTE!! A WASTE!!! ~grabs Edward and cries~  
CARLISLE: ~walks over to them~ I know this is a difficult time for the both of you, but we must act like men! Now, come on get up!  
JASPER: ~stays put~  
CARLISLE: Please sons, please!

K-  
BELLA: It's going to be alright, Edward. *offers hand*  
EDWARD: *takes it, than hugs her really tight and cries some more*  
BELLA: *pats him on the back and chokes out a 'there there'*

M-  
JASPER: ~is helped up by Carlisle and cries on his chest~ THOSE. PRODUCTS. TOOK. ME. FOREVER. TO. FIND!!!!!

K-  
BELLA: *leads Edward back to the car with difficulty because he is still crying*  
EDWARD: IT'S JUST SO HARD TO SAY GOOD BYE!

M-  
CARLISLE: Here son. Alice, come here please.  
ALICE: I got it. ~takes Jasper by the arm and picks him up and slings him over her shoulder~

K-  
ESME: There there, children. I know it's hard to lose something you love. But they're in a better place now, and-  
EDWARD: I DO NOT THINK THAT THE BOTTOM OF A MURKY RIVER IS A BETTER PLACE FOR MY VOLVO! *sobs*  
ESME: Er, Carlisle dear, maybe you should drive us home.

M-  
JASPER: ~starts sucking his thumb~ MY. POOR. PRODUCTS!!!!  
ALICE: It's okay Jazz. Everything is going to be-  
JASPER: NO!!! NOTHING IS OKAY!!! NOTHING IS EVER OKAY!!!

K-  
EDWARD: WHY MY CAR? WHY??? MY FUTURE WITHOUT IT IS AS BLACK AS THE BOTTOM OF THIS RIVER!

M-  
JASPER: HUG ME BROTHER!!!!!!! ~hugs Edward and starts sobbing~  
ALICE: ~sigh~  
CARLISLE: Of course dearest! My son is in no state to start driving! ~gets in the drivers seat~

K-  
EDWARD: *hugs back equally hard and sobs uncontrollably* MY CAR WAS TOO YOUNG TO MEET SUCH A SOGGY DEATH! OH, DEAR VOLVO! HOW WILL I GO ON???  
ESME: Thank you dear. Honestly, I don't know what we're going to do with them.

M-  
CARLISLE: I do not know, dearest. It is very concerning..  
ALICE: ~is stuck between the two of them so she is being glomped by two sobbing vampires and sighs~ Why couldn't I sit on Esme's lap again?  
CARLISLE: Dearest, it is a safety hazzard!

K-  
ESME: Perhaps we should hold a memorial service when we get home. It will provide them with closure... *looks in the backseat with doubt as Edward and Jasper rock back and forth in grief* Alice dear, we wont be in the car for long. Please try to be supportive. Jasper needs you right now.

M-  
ALICE: ~gets squeezed by Jasper even tighter and is literally being crushed~ Yeah. Okay. Sure. Mom. _

K-  
ESME: Thank you Alice. It won't be long, I promise.  
EDWARD: MY VOLVO USED TO HAVE A BACK SEAT JUST LIKE THIS! OH, IF ONLY IT WERE HERE! MY VOLVO!!!! MY CAR!

M-  
ALICE: Uh huh.. ~is being crushed even more~ Ouch...

K-  
BELLA: Edward, dear, Maybe you should let Jasper go for a few minutes. For Alice. *pries Edward away*  
EDWARD: *hugs Bella instead* I AM SO SORRY ALICE! I AM A MONSTER FOR LETTING MY INCONSOLABLE GRIEF MAKE ME CRUSH YOU! A MONSTER!!! I DESERVED TO HAVE MY VOLVO TAKEN AWAY! OH, MY DEAR, SWEET VOLVO!

M-  
ALICE: _ T-thank you.  
JASPER: Alice, are you okay?  
ALICE: _ I'm f-fine..  
JASPER: MY HONEY!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: ALICE, FORGIVE ME! MY MY OVERWHELMING DESPAIR AND SADNESS OVER THE LOSS OF MY POOR, POOR VOLVO SHOULD NOT CAUSE YOU PAIN!

M-  
JASPER: AND I AM SORRY THAT MY HAIR IS ABSORBING ALL MY THOUGHTS!! IT'S JUST SO SHINY AND NEEDS ALL THE ATTENTION IT CAN GET!!

K-  
BELLA: We could always get you knew ones...  
EDWARD: A NEW VOLVO? BUT IT WOULD NEVER BE THE SAME! ALL THOSE MEMORIES WE'VE MADE WONT BE IN A NEW VOLVO! NOTHING COULD EVER MAKE THIS OKAY!

M-  
ALICE: _ You can't exactly get another one of me though..  
JASPER: IT'S OKAY!! I AM HERE FOR YOU!!! ~fixes her hair~  
ALICE: I don't care about my hair!

K-  
*everyone in the car goes dead quiet for a minute or two*  
EDWARD: Alice, I know it is hard to care about looks when such horrible things happen to the ones we love... HOW WILL I GO ON WITHOUT MY VOLVO!??!?! *deep breaths*  
But surely you mustn't mean that!

M-  
ALICE: ~mumbles~ I love how everybody cares more about my stupid hair than they do about me.. ~sighs~  
JASPER: ~GASP!~ WHO. ARE. YOU!?!?!?!?! IMPOSTER!!! YOU ARE NOT MY ALICE!!!!!!!

K-  
ESME: Of Course we care about you, Alice! They're just going through a difficult time, they don't know what they're saying! Right?  
EDWARD: ALICE, I LOVE YOU EVEN MORE THAN MY DECEASED VOLVO! IF EMMETT WERE TO ABANDON YOU IN A POLLUTED RIVER I WOULD NOT HESITATE TO DRAG YOU OUT! UNLIKE MY POOR VOLVO! WHICH IS STILL SITTING THERE! THE FILTH THAT MUST BE AT THIS VERY MOMENT SOAKING INTO THE CUSHIONS IS ALMOST MORE THAN I CAN BEAR! *resumes rocking back and forth*

M-  
ALICE: ~sighs~ -.-'  
JASPER: REALLY!!! WE CARE MUCH ABOUT YOU!!! ~squeezes her in a deathly way~  
ALICE: _!!! OKAY!! I BELIEVE YOU!!  
JASPER: I DON'T THINK YOU DO!! I LOVE YOU ALICE!!! MARRY ME!!  
ALICE: We're already married!  
JASPER: Oh, really? WELL, LET'S DO IT AGAIN!!! MY UNDYING LOVE FOR YOU IS LIKE A THOUSAND BURNING SUNS!!!  
ALICE: Okay. I love you too!! Stop squeezing me so hard!!

K-  
ESME: OH! A WEDDING! WHAT FUN! *starts chattering about arrangements that need to be made*

M-  
JASPER: OH, IT WILL BE SO EXCITING!! ~squeezes Alice even harder~  
ALICE: Death. Grip. Too. Strong!!! _

K-  
ESME: Are we nearly home? I simply can't wait to tell the others! This is going to be so much fun!

M-  
ALICE: Yes. Very. Exciting. Release. Grip.  
JASPER: NO!!! I SHALL NEVER LET YOU GO!!!  
ALICE: Release. Grip. Please.

K-  
BELLA: *Pries Alice away from Jasper and smiles* I just want you to know I have every intention of being as obnoxious with your wedding as you were with mine.

M-  
ALICE: _ No! PLEASE! I CAN DO THE DECORATIONS!! IT IS AFTER ALL, MY WEDDING!!! MINE!! NO!!! I WANT TO DO THE DECORATIONS!!! NO!

K-  
BELLA: Fine. You get the decorations. And I suppose you should pick out your gown... But I get everything else!  
EDWARD: OH, ALICE! A NEW PROJECT IS EXACTLY WHAT I NEED TO TAKE MY MIND OFF OF THESE RECENT TRAGIC EVENTS! COULD I DO THE MUSIC??? PLEASE, OH PLEASE? PRETTY PLEASE? PLEASEY PLEASE PLEASE??? PLEASEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE????????

M-  
ALICE: ABSOLUTELY NOT!!! IT IS MY WEDDING AND I SAY THAT I SHOULD DO EVERYTHING ON MY OWN!!!! NO!!! MINE!!!

K-  
ESME: Alice, dear, Maybe Bella and I should help, just a little. There are a lot of details in a wedding that could overwhelm you. We would never leave you out of the decisions, dear. We're only here to help.  
EDWARD: Bbbut... BUT ALICE! THE MUSIC IS MY OBSESSION! I WILL NEVER STOP! OH PLEASE??? I'LL DO ANYTHING! AN ETERNITY OF SHOPPING TRIPS! I'LL LET YOU PICK OUT MY ENTIRE WARDROBE FOR THE NEXT CENTURY! ANYTHING!!!!!!!!!! PLEASE???

M-  
ALICE: STOP IT!!! WILL EVERYBODY JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!? I WANT TO DO THE WEDDING!! ME AND ME ALONE!!! WHAT DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND ABOUT ME JUST DOING MY OWN DAMN WEDDING!?  
JASPER: Oh darling, they simply just want to help.  
ALICE: I DON'T CARE!!! I WANT TO DO THIS WEDDING BY MYSELF!!

K-  
EDWARD: *starts to cry again* THIS DAY JUST GETS WORSE AND WORSE! FATHER! PULL OVER! I'M WALKING HOME!

M-  
ALICE: NO! I AM WALKING HOME!! ~starts to cry~  
JASPER: MY WIFE JUST YELLED AT ME!! ~starts crying again~  
CARLISLE: ~sighs~ -.-' We have the most dysfunctional family.

K-  
ESME: NO! NOBODY IS WALKING HOME! EVERYBODY IS GOING TO SIT AND BE HAPPY. GOT IT?

M-  
ALICE: I WANT TO DO EVERYTHING MYSELF!!! MY WEDDING! ~cries~  
JASPER: I JUST WANT MY WIFE TO BE HAPPY AND NOT YELL AT ME!! ~cries~  
CARLISLE: I JUST WISH THAT MY FAMILY WASN'T SO DYSFUNCTIONAL!!! ~cries~

K-  
EDWARD: WHY CAN'T I DO THE MUSIC? YOU CANT VERY WELL PLAY THE PIANO AND WALK DOWN THE AISLE, ALICE! *cries* AND I JUST WANT MY VOLVO BACK!  
BELLA: I JUST WANT TO HELP!  
ESME: I WANT EVERYONE TO GET A GRIP AND BE A HAPPY FAMILY!

M-  
~they all cry in unison~  
ALICE: NO!! I WILL HIRE MY OWN PIANO PLAYER!!  
JASPER: WIFE. HATES. ME!!!  
CARLISLE: NORMAL. FAMILY!!!!

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K-  
EDWARD: IT'S BECAUSE I'M A MONSTER, ISN'T IT???  
ESME: CHILDREN! CALM DOWN! WE'RE HOME!  
*everyone runs off to their rooms, crying*  
ROSE: *to Emmett* What happened to THEM?

M-  
EMMETT: Oh, who honestly knows. This family is dysfunctional.  
CARLISLE: YES IT IS!! AND I SHALL NO LONGER STAND FOR IT!! WE NEED TO ACT MORE NORMAL!!  
~a couple of minutes later~  
CARLISLE: ~is singing a song on the karoke machine~ DON'T DO BREAKIN' MY HEART!! I COULDN'T IF I TRIED!!!  
EMMETT: If this is what he means by "normal," then count me out.

K-  
ESME: *singing* HONEY IF I GET RESTLESS, BABY YOU'RE NOT THAT KIND  
EDWARD: *comes into the living room because he hears music* OH! ELTON JOHN IS ONE OF MY HEROES! *grabs a mike* DON'T GO BREAKING MY HEART!!!

M-  
CARLISLE: I COULDN'T IF I TRIED!!!  
EMMETT: I'm going to my room. I can't be seen around these morons. AND EDWARD!! YOU HAVE HORRIBLE VIBRATO!! YOU SOUND LIKE ARETHA FRANKLIN AT THE INAUGURATION CERMONY!!!

K-  
EDWARD: ARETHA FRANKLIN IS AN EXTRAORDINARILY TALENTED WOMAN, EMMETT! SHE IS THE QUEEN OF SOUL! SHE SINGS GOOD, WHOLESOME SONGS! NO R-E-S-P-E-C-T! NONE!

M-  
EMMETT: BECAUSE YOU SUCK AT SINGING!!! AND SHE USED TO SING GOOD, BUT SHE SERIOUSLY NEEDS TO THINK ABOUT GONIG INTO RETIREMENT!!! I'M SURE SHE'S AS OLD AS YOU ARE!!!

K-  
EDWARD: TAKE THAT BACK! TAKE THAT BACK RIGHT NOW! MY VOICE IS VELVETY SMOOTH! I SING MY DAUGHTER TO SLEEP WITH THIS VOICE, EMMETT! IT RELAXES HER!

M-  
EMMETT: YEAH, IT RELAXES HER ALRIGHT!!! BECAUSE IT MAKES HER WANT TO PEE IN HER PANTS IT'S SO FUNNY!!  
ALICE: You know, I kind of missed this. EMMETT, STOP BEING SUCH A BABY!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: SHE DOES NOT THINK IT IS FUNNY! SHE FINDS IT SOOTHING!  
ROSALIE: I agree. Nothing is quite right without it. EDWARD. GROW UP!  
EDWARD: LIKE YOU'RE ONE TO TALK! YOU AND EMMETT STILL OWE ME A NEW CAR!

M-  
EMMETT: OH, I'LL GIVE YOU A NEW CAR ALRIGHT!!! I'LL SMASH IT RIGHT INTO YOUR FACE!!!  
~suddenly, the front door opens~  
VIOLET: EMMETTTTTTTTT!!!! DID YOU MISS ME!?!?! DID YA!?!? HMM!?!  
EMMETT: ~twitches~ WHAT!? HOW THE HELL DID YOU FIND ME!?  
VIOLET: OH SILLY!!! REALLY, I WOULDN'T GIVE UP ON YOU SO EASILY!! I'VE BEEN TRACKING YOU FOR HOURS!!!

K-  
EDWARD: QUICK! EVERYBODY IN THEIR POSITIONS! *scrambles to get to Renesme, putting the helmet on her head once again and placing her out of sight, then runs to get behind the couch, holding his Windex like a weapon* COME NO CLOSER! I'M ARMED! AND ITS ON THE SUPER SPRAY SETTING!  
ROSE: *steps in front of Emmett* HOW DID YOU EVEN FIND OUT WHERE WE LIVE???


	10. Chapter 10: Twister, Girls, and Food

M-  
VIOLET: Oh, you know, I asked your neighbors! ^-^  
EMMETT: WE DON'T HAVE ANY NEIGHBORS!! LEAVE NOW!!  
VIOLET: NU OH!! I WAS SEARCHING ALL DAY FOR YOU, MY LOVE!!!

K-  
ROSE: *snorts* Did you seriously just call him your 'love'? Look, hun, I don't know why you aren't getting this, but let me explain it to you one more time. Okay? We don't want you here. So scram.

M-  
ALICE: ~watches intently while stuffing popcorn in her mouth~  
JASPER: Hun, why are you eating-  
ALICE: SHH!!! I'm listening to them! It's about to be a GIRL FIGHT!  
JASPER: Well, in that case- ~steals a hand of popcorn and watches~  
VIOLET: WELL, I WANT TO BE HERE!!! I LOVE YOU EMMETT CULLEN!!

K-  
ROSE: WHAT did you just say? *takes out her earrings and sets them on the counter* Because I'm pretty sure you just told MY husband that you loved him. But I kinda sorta have a problem with that. Because he's MY husband.  
Tell you what, kiddo. If you take it back and leave right now, then I'll pretend like this never happened. Okay?

M-  
ALICE: ~puts her hand in the container and notices that it's all gone~ Hun, will you please get me more popcorn?  
JASPER: But hun, I'm watching!!  
ALICE: ~widens eyes~ Pleaseeeeee?  
JASPER: No.  
ALICE: ~kisses him~ PLEASEEEEE?  
JASPER: You're a woman who has to have her way. Fine.. ~gets up~ Now here ladies, while I am away making delicious snacks, please wait! ~scrambles off to the kitchen and puts another bag of popcorn~ Alice, you want anything else?  
ALICE: Oh, grab some of those chips-a-hoy!!  
JASPER: Rose's friend?  
VIOLET: Grab a pint of Cookie Dough Ice Cream?  
JASPER: ~grabs it~ Rose? You want anything?

K-  
ROSE: ONLY IF IT'S INCREDIBLY HARD AND GOOD FOR THROWING!

M-  
JASPER: Oh, Rose!! Thou shall not throw things!! Silly!! Now, do you want any delicious snacks for consuming? We have brownies that Esme just cooked.  
VIOLET: Oh, I'll have one of those!  
JASPER: Would you like some milk too?  
VIOLET: SURE!

K-  
ROSE: *rips the carton of milk out of Jaspers hand and pours the contents all over Violet* There. No throwing. *slams the empty milk carton on the counter top*

M-  
VIOLET: ~takes the brownie from Jasper's hand and smashes it all over Rose's face~ There. No throwing. ~smiles~ You got some stuff on your face, hun. You might want to wash it off. Along with your b****y attitude.

K-  
ROSE: *takes the ice cream and shoves a handful down her shirt* Looks like you've got something in your shirt. Oh, wait, Too late. We already knew that. *also takes a handful of cookies and shoves them in her mouth* Woops. You have a little something between your teeth, darling. Here, let me help you with that! *uses one of those hose things that come with the sink and sprays her with water*  
Who ya calling b****, B****???

M-  
VIOLET: ~opens the fridge and pulls out two bottles of arizona ice tea and dumps it all over her~ YOU, B****!!!! ~takes a carton of eggs and cracks them and dumps them on Rose's head~ GUESS WE HAVE A ROTTEN EGG!! WE BETTER THROW HER OUT!! SHE'S ALREADY GONE BAD!!!

K-  
ROSE: YOU. GOT. EGGS. IN. MY. HAIR.  
*starts throwing mushy grapes at her*  
WELL AT LEAST I'M NOT A 'SOUR GRAPE'!  
GIVE UP VI! YOU CAN'T WIN, SWEETIE!  
*starts throwing spaghetti sauce*

M-  
VIOLET: ~dodges the sauce and hides behind Emmett~  
EMMETT: ~gets hit right in the face with the sauce~ -.-' This is ridicious!  
ALICE: ~eats more popcorn~  
JASPER: ~eats more popcorn~ Now it's really going to get interesting!  
ALICE: SHHH!!

K-  
ROSE: Opps, Sorry Emmett! Won't happen again! *drags Violet away from Emmett by her hair* GET. YOUR. PAWS. OFF. MY. HUSBAND!!!  
EDWARD: *walks in and sees all the food all over the place* OH. MY. GOODNESS! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE???? THIS WILL TAKE HOURS TO CLEAN! HOURS! AND SPAGHETTI SAUCE STAINS! THEY NEVER COME OUT! NO AMOUNT OF COMET AND CLUB SODA WILL EVER MAKE THIS OKAY!

M-  
VIOLET: ~hits her with an old caserole~  
EMMETT: Esme, when did you make casserole? For all we know, it could have been in there for years..

K-  
ESME: *winces as the casserole dish hits the floor and shatters* Emmett, I don't think I've cooked... Since Renesme was born. *watches with a horrified expression as Rose empties a full container of syrup over Violet's head*  
Ladies, I think that is quite enough! Rose, put down the stew! Please!  
EDWARD: *is on the verge of a nervous breakdown* The wastefulness. The mess. THE HORROR!

M-  
VIOLET: ~hits Rose with milk that has gone bad and is all lumpy and then pours yogurt all down her shirt~  
EMMETT: ~somehow got in between the food battle so he's covered head to toe with food~ ENOUGH!!!!!!!!! ~is pissed and is basically steaming~

K-  
ROSE: *drops the bottle of hot sauce that she was about to pour all over Violet* Oh, Emmett, I'm so sorry! *looks at Violet, who is also covered in food* Well, mostly sorry.

M-  
Alice: ~grabs a pie and kicks Emmett in his "area"  
EMMETT: ~bows his head and goes face first into the pie~ ALICE!!!  
ALICE: STOP BEING A BABY!!!  
EMMETT: ~wipes the pie off his face~

K-  
ESME: CHILDREN! LOOK AT THIS MESS! WHAT HAS GOTTEN IN TO YOU? ROSALIE, ALICE, EMMETT, CLEAN THIS UP! AND I'M GOING TO HAVE TO ASK YOU TO LEAVE! *she points at Violet* NOW!

M-  
EMMETT: I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING THOUGH!!  
VIOLET: OH PLEASE, MAY I STAY!?!? I DON'T HAVE ANYWHERE TO GO!!! ~goes wide eyes~

K-  
ESME: *falters* Well, I mean, Um... Really? No place to go? Where are you parents, dear child?

M-  
VIOLET: I dunno.. They kinda just left me..

K-  
ESME: OH, YOU POOR DEAR! Of COURSE you can stay with us! We will help you look for them!  
ROSE: B****!!!! *runs from the room screaming and ranting, and you can hear her door slam*

M-  
EMMETT: ESME!! NO!!! KICK HER SORRY ASS OUT!! NOW!!!

K-  
ESME: CHILDREN! I AM APPALLED BY YOUR LACK OF COMPASSION! *to Violet* Here, dear, lets go get you cleaned up. I'll have Alice find you some clothes.  
And Emmett, I expect this mess to be cleaned up when I get back!

M-  
EMMETT: I DIDN'T EVEN DO ANYTHING THOUGH!! ~sighs and then grunts~ God damn mess. ~starts to clean up~

K-  
EDWARD: *runs out of the room, then 5 seconds later he is back wearing his rubber gloves and carrying sponges and mops and a lot of cleaning fluid* I AM HERE FOR YOU, BROTHER!!!! *starts scrubbing*

M-  
EMMETT: F*** THIS MAN!! ~goes upstairs to leave Edward cleaning the mess all by himself and goes into his room and slams the door~ THIS IS GOD DAMN BULLS***!!!!!!!!!

K-  
ROSE: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? SHE'S ACTUALLY STAYING HERE? ESME CAN'T BE SERIOUS! OUR FAMILY IS DYSFUNCTIONAL ENOUGH WITHOUT THAT SKANK HANGING AROUND! DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE ARE GOING TO HAVE TO PRETEND TO BE HUMAN? 24/7??? SLEEP, EAT, ALL OF IT?

M-  
EMMETT: Well, at least we'll have an excuse to be in our room for 8 hours. BUT I MEAN, C'MON!!!! ~crosses his arms over his chest~  
~10 minutes later~  
VIOLET: NO, I AM NOT WEARING THAT!!  
ALICE: YOU'LL LOOK CUTE IN IT!!!  
VIOLET: NO WAY IN HELL!!!

K-  
ROSE: *peaks out the door to see Violet dressed in a bubblegum pink ensemble that would probably have made any three year old quite pleased to wear* Okay, so maybe it's ALMOST worth it, just for this. *snorts and shuts door*

M-  
ALICE: YOU. LOOK. WONDERFUL!!!!!  
VIOLET: NO FREAKIN WAY AM I WEAR THIS!!! ~slams the door shut and locks it and then takes the scissors~  
~5 minutes later~  
VIOLET: ~comes out wearing the same outfit, but her cleavage is basially hanging out and the shortness of it barely covers her bottom~ NOW, WHO LOOKS HOT!?

K-  
EDWARD: *is walking down the hall to put away his cleaning supplies when he spots Violet* EGADS, WOMAN! PUT A SHIRT ON! *basically kidnaps her and raids Bella's closet until he finds a lumpy old sweatshirt and some pants and throws them to her*  
AND JASPER! OUR NEW FRIEND WILL NEED HER HAIR DONE IMMEDIATELY!

M-  
VIOLET: ABSOLUTELY NOT!! ~takes them off~~hears a car beep outside and runs down the stairs~ OH, and by the way, I invited some friends!!!  
~her friends come stampeding into the house and admire how fancy it is~  
VIOLET: HEY GURL HEYYYYYYY!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *panics because there are so many HUMANS!* VIOLET! AS LONG AS YOU ARE A GUEST IN THIS HOUSE YOU MUST RESPECT OUR RULES! NO RESPECT! NONE!  
*ahem* I mean, um, Violet, kindly tell your lovely friends that they cannot be here at the moment. We, er, have a wedding to take care of. It is far too busy at the moment for us to entertain this many guests.

M-  
~basically, it's goes wild~  
GIRL #1- A WEDDING!??!?!?!?!??!?!  
GIRL #2- OHMEHGOD!!! I LOVE WEDDINGS!!!

K-  
EDWARD: YES! A wedding! For my very dear sister! So you'll have to excuse us. Sorry! *tries to run away*

M-  
~the girls grab him and force him to sit down in a chair and ask him a million questions~  
GIRL #324- SO WHAT'S THE NAME OF YOUR SISTER?  
GIRL #128- WHO'S GUNNA BE INVITED!?  
GIRL #46- AM I INVITED!?  
GIRL #273- WHAT KIND OF CAKE IS IT GOING TO BE!?  
GIRL #193- WHAT IS HER DRESS GOING TO LOOK LIKE!?!?!?!??!

K-  
EDWARD: *eyes bug out* Ladies, please! I really don't know! Alice is doing most of the work!  
Now, I'm sure you're all, um, very nice girls, but I believe Alice wanted to keep it small. I'm sure you'll all understand. Now, if you don't mind... *makes a run for it*

M-  
~the girls surround him and make a circle so he can't escape~  
GIRLS: WE. WANT. INFO!!!! NOWWWWW!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: NO, PLEASE! LET ME GO! I HAVE A WIFE AND DAUGHTER!

M-  
GIRLS: THEN. GIVE. US. INFORMATION!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: I CAN'T! I'VE TRIED! I'VE DONE MY BEST! I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING! SHE WON'T EVEN LET ME DO THE MUSIC, YOU KNOW!

M-  
GIRLS: TELL! US!!!!  
VIOLET: GIRLS!!! COOL IT!!!!  
GIRLS: ~realease Edward from their circle~  
GIRL # 283- AWSOME OUTFIT VI!!!  
VIOLET: Thanks gurl!!!  
ALICE: ~comes skipping down the stairs and looks at Violet~ M-MY OUTF-FIT!!! WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY OUTFIT!?!?!?!?!  
VIOLET: Well, it wasn't really my style, so I modified it. I hope you don't mind.  
ALICE: O-OF COURSE N-NOT!!!! ~eye starts to twitch~

K-  
EDWARD: Alice! Deep Breaths!  
VIOLET, I THOUGH I TOLD YOU TO PUT THAT SWEATSHIRT ON! HAVE YOU NO REGARD FOR OUR RULES? NO RESPECT, NONE!

M-  
~the girls start to attack Edward again~  
GIRLS: WHAT DID YOU SAY TO HER!?!?!?!?!?!!?

K-  
EDWARD: I SIMPLY ASKED THAT SHE PUT SOME CLOTHES ON! I HAVE A YOUNG DAUGHTER WHO IS VERY IMPRESSIONABLE, YOU KNOW!  
ALICE, HELP ME!!!

M-  
ALICE: ~is still mortified by what Violet did to her outfit~  
~the girls dog pile on him~

K-  
EDWARD: LADIES! ENOUGH! *manages to get away from the mob* I MUST ASK YOU ALL TO LEAVE! AT ONCE!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~comes downstairs~ What seems to be the problem to all this commontion?

K-  
EDWARD: OH FATHER! THANK GOODNESS YOU HAVE COME! THESE GIRLS ARE ATTACKING ME!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~looks like they're just playing around to him~ Oh, what game are you playing? Twister? I love that game! I approve! Have fun now. ~goes back upstairs~

K-  
EDWARD: TWISTER?? WAIT! CARLISLE! NOOOO!!! * Looks at the girls and backs slowly towards the door*

M-  
GIRLS: GET YOUR ASS BACK HERE!!!  
~they all charge towards him and tackle him~  
VIOLET: ~laughs~ Have fun with him girls.

K-  
EDWARD: *grabs a mop and holds it like a sword* GET BACK! BACK, I SAY!

M-  
GIRLS: ~easily take the mop away and smash it~ WE. WANT. INFO. EDWARD. CULLEN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *sobbing* I DON'T HAVE ANY! I DON'T!!! ALICE, TELL THEM I DON'T!

M-  
ALICE: ~is thinking~ I GOT IT!!! ~grabs Violet's hand and races her upstairs~  
~a few minutes later~  
VIOLET: ~comes downstairs in an even more ridiculous outfit, this one has frills and bows everywhere~ WHAT IS THIS!?!??!  
ALICE: Well, it has the zebra print on it!  
VIOLET: ~rushes up the steps~  
ALICE: ~catches her~ Now, if you do anything to this outfit, I will dissemble your face. Okay? ^.^

K-  
ROSE: *is walking by, sees Violet, and laughs* Wow, Vi. That's such a good look for you. VERY figure flattering.

M-  
VIOLET: Go to hell.  
ALICE: I think it looks wonderful!!  
VIOLET: ~escapes to upstairs and makes a charge to the bathroom~  
ALICE: ~was already waiting there for her~  
VIOLET: B-but weren't you just downstairs!!?!?! ~charges down the stairs again and sees Alice~  
ALICE: Oh, you're silly. Maybe you should rest for a little while!!!  
VIOLET: Yes, rest. That's what I need. GIRLS!!  
~the girls finally leave Edward alone and takes all of his clothes~  
GIRL#85- Sorry I spilled my drink on you again! ~winks at him~  
~all the girls and Violet go upstairs~

K-  
EDWARD: *covers himself up with a rug and runs into Emmett's room* EMMETT, CAN I BORROW SOME PANTS? I FEEL SO EXPOSED!

M-  
EMMETT: ~was looking at an inappropriate magazine and sets it down~ NO! GEt OUT!!! KNOCK YOU F***ING A**HOLE!!! OF COURSE YOU CAN'T BORROW MY F***ING PANTS!!! ~throws him out of the room and locks the door~

K-  
EDWARD: *runs to Carlisle's room* CARLISLE, CAN I BORROW SOME PANTS? I FEEL SO EXPOSED!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~is playing twister with Esme~ Of course son!

K-  
EDWARD: OH, THANK YOU FATHER! I AM ETERNALLY GRATEFUL!  
ESME: Right hand, Red!

M-  
CARLISLE: Would you like to play son? It is quite fun!

K-  
EDWARD: OH BOY, WOULD I EVER! *jumps right in*  
ESME: LEFT FOOT, GREEN!

M-  
CARLISLE: LEFT HAND YELLOW!!!  
~the girls storm into the room~  
GIRLS: TWISTER!!! ~they bombard Esem, Carlisle and Edward~ WE WANT TO PLAYYYYYYYY!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: HAVE AT IT LADIES! I THINK I'll BE GOING NOW, CARLISLE!

M-  
CARLISLE: Where are you going son?

K-  
EDWARD: Um. To clean the car. Yeah.

M-  
CARLISLE: Okay! Have fun then!  
~Carlisle and Esme get squished by all the girls~  
CARLISLE: Oh, OH MY!

K-  
EMSE: Children, really, is this necessary? Make space!

M-  
GIRLS: SORRY MRS. CULLEN!! ~they make an inch of space~

K-  
ESME: Thank you, dears. Ready ladies? LEFT HAND, YELLOW!

M-  
~about half of them fall and land on Carlisle and Esme~  
CARLISLE: Ouch. Okay ladies, if you would kindly stand on the sides please.  
GIRLS: AWWWWWWW!!!! ~they move~

K-  
ESME: It's for your own good, dearies. This game is only designed for a small group of people.

M-  
Carlisle: and there's over 300 of you..

K-  
ESME: *nods* Carlisle, Maybe we should pick a different game. OH! We could all play charades!

M-  
GIRLS: WE. WANT. TWISTERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR!!! ~they go crazy~  
CARLISLE: NO!! NOT THE table!! IT'S OVER 200 YEARS OLD!!

K-  
ESME: I LOVE THAT TABLE! IT IS MY MOST PRIZED POSSESSION! QUICK, CARLISLE, SAVE IT!

M-  
CARLISLE: ~throws himself in front of the table and gets crushed by about 50 girls~ PLEASE. SAVE. THE TABLE!!

K-  
ESME: GIRLS! I DO NOT THINK YOUR PRESENCE HERE IS APPROPRIATE ANY LONGER! I'M AFRAID THAT I MUST ASK YOU TO LEAVE!

M-  
GIRLS: BUT WE WANT TO STAYY!!! ~crushes Carlisle even more~  
CARLISLE: CRUSHING. ME. TOO. MUCH.

K-  
ESME: I know, I'm very sorry children. Maybe some other time. *pulls Carlisle out of the mob* Are you okay, dear?

M-  
CARLISLE: _ I'm f-fine dear. I just n-need to lie down for a f-f-ew minutes. Maybe that will h-help. ~scrambles over to the couch~

K-  
ESME: POOR BABY! *runs and gets blankets and stuffed animals and fluffs his pillows*

M-  
CARLISLE: MR. FLUFFYKINS!!! HOW I HAVE MISSED YOU SIR!! ~cuddles with a stuffed giraffe~

K-  
ESME: Awww, that's so sweet! *starts snapping pictures* EDWARD WILL LOVE THESE FOR HIS SCRAP BOOK!

M-  
GIRLS: Wow. We really hurt him. But look it how cute he is with that stuffed animal!!! ~they all pull out their cell phones and start snapping pictures~

K-  
EDWARD: DID SOMEONE SAY SCARP BOOK??? *skips into the living room* FATHER! WHAT ON EARTH HAS HAPPENED TO YOU?

M-  
CARLISLE: Ladies.. So. many. of. them. attacked. m-me..

K-  
EDWARD: OH, THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! I SHOULD HAVE SENT THEM AWAY! I LET MY OWN FATHER SUFFER FOR MY INABILITY TO CLEAR THE BUILDING OF GIGGLY TEENAGE GIRLS! I AM A MONSTER! A MONSTER!!! FORGIVE ME FATHER!

M-  
GIRLS: BE A MAN!!! ~they tackle him~  
EMMETT: ~walks in the room~ THANK YOU!!! ~snaps a couple of pictures of him getting tackled by the girls~

K-  
EDWARD: I DESERVE THIS! I DESERVE AN ETERNITY OF NOTHING BUT THIS AND HORRIBLE RAP MUSIC! DO YOUR WORST, LADIES!

M-  
~they all somehow get drinks and pour it on him~  
GIRLS: WHOOPS!!  
CARLISLE: _!! THOSE WERE MY GOOD PANTS!!

K-  
EDWARD: THAT'S IT! EVERYBODY OUT! NOW!!!! CANT YOU SEE THE MAN NEEDS PEACE? *makes scary vampire face*

M-  
GIRLS: ~are terrified and all cram out of the small door~  
CARLISLE: Thank you son.

K-  
EDWARD: It is the least I could do! THIS IS ALL MY FAULT! *beats head against the back of the couch* FAILURE! *bonk* FAILURE! *bonk* FAILURE! *bonk*

M-  
CARLISLE: Son, please. If you could check on Alice to make sure she is okay. I know she is still very upset about the outfit.

K-  
EDWARD: OF COURSE! RIGHT AWAY! *runs up the stairs and frolics through the halls* ALIIIIICEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE

M-  
ALICE: ~is bunched up in a corner looking gloomy~ Edward, do my clothes really look that awful?

K-  
EDWARD: OF COURSE NOT! Alice, you are the most fabulous, fierce person I know! You've had years to perfect your gloriously good taste. GET OUT THERE AND WORK IT, GIRL! *snap*

M-  
VIOLET: ~heard everything~ Yeah, except what I was wearing earlier. Talk about throw up. ~is changed into a slutty outfit her friends gave her~  
ALICE: ~feels like she got punched in the face and wraps her arms around her knees and sobs~ I. AM. HORRIBLE. AT. FASHION. I. SHOULD. JUST. FALL. OFF. THE. FACE. OF. THE.. EARTH.

K-  
EDWARD: Honestly, Alice, are you going to let one person convince you that you are not awesome? You know what?  
I think someone needs a SHOPPING TRIPPPPPPPPPP!

M-  
ALICE: No. You go. I'm just going to stay here in my corner. Thank though. I know you'll have fun. Try not to get the discounted clothing.

K-  
EDWARD: NO! YOU HAVE TO COME! I WILL BE HELPLESS WITHOUT YOU! WE COULD LOOK AT FLOWER ARRANGEMENTS TOO, IF YOU WISH! Oh, please, Alice, PLEASE?

M-  
ALICE: ~brightens up~ Yeah sure!! I can't believe I was about to decline your offer on a SHOPPING TRIP!!! WHAT AM I, INSANE!?!?!?  
VIOLET: OHHH, CAN I COME!?!?!?  
ALICE: ~death glares at her~  
VIOLET: I'm just gunna go now. WHAT!? YOU NEED ME GIRLS!? BE THERE IN A SECOND!!!  
~nobody was really calling out to her~  
VIOLET: ~runs up the stairs as fast as she can~

K-  
EDWARD: OKAY! LETS GO! I'LL NEED THE KEYS TO MY- To my-...  
VOLVO!!!!!! NOOOOOOOO!!!!

M-  
ALICE: EDWARD!! It's okay!! We'll just take Emmett's je-  
EMMETT: ~yells from upstairs~ NO!  
ALICE: Carlisle's car. I'm sure he won't mind.

K-  
EDWARD: Okay... *sniffle* DAD! CAN WE TAKE THE CAR?

M-  
CARLISLE: O-Of course son! Have fun and please be safe!

K-  
EDWARD: THANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOUTHANKYOU! *runs into the garage* THANKKKYOUUUUUUU!

M-  
CARLISLE: Of course! Esme, have you seen my bunny blanket? I simply must have it!

K-  
ESME: Of course Darling! *leaves and then comes back with a fluffy pink bunny blanket* Is this the one, dear?

M-  
CARLISLE: Yes!! Oh, how I have missed this joyful fuzzy pink bunny blanket!! ~wraps it around himself~

K-  
ESME: I'm glad you like it, dear. Would you like the matching slippers?

M-  
CARLISLE: OH, WOULD I!!! I do say, those slippers are just SIMPLY MARVELOUS!! My feet are nice and cozy inside those little bunny slippers!!! How simply divine they are!!

Loading...  
K-  
ESME: They are indeed truly wonderful. And adorable! *brings out the slippers, which have little fluffy bunny heads on them*

M-  
CARLISLE: ~gushes~ Oh, my little fuzzy friends, hello!! Esme, when I get better, we must get you a matching pair!

K-  
ESME: THAT WOULD BE LOVELY, DEAR! OH, A PAIR FOR EVERYONE IN THE FAMILY!

M-  
CARLISLE: OH, HOW THEY WOULD ALL LOVE TO HAVE PINK FUZZY BUNNIES ON THEIR FEET!!!

K-  
ESME: I'M SURE THEY WOULD! THEY WOULD LOOK SPLENDID ON OUR NEXT CHRISTMAS CARD IF WE WERE ALL TO WEAR THEM!  
~meanwhile~  
EDWARD: OH, ALICE! THIS COLOR IS SIMPLY DIVINE! WHAT MARVELOUS TASTE YOU HAVE!

M-  
ALICE: Oh, I quite agree!! That silly little girl wouldn't know fashion if it bit her in the a**. Pardon my french.

K-  
EDWARD: You are pardoned, dear sister. *GASP* ALICE! I HAVE HAD THE MOST STUPENDOUS IDEA! WE SHOULD BRING VIOLET HOME A NEW WARDROBE! I mean, she has no clothes with her! AND WE COULD MAKE HER LOOK FABBBBBBBBULOUSSSSSSSSS!

M-  
ALICE: I QUITE AGREE, DEAR BROTHER!! WE SHALL MAKE HER LOOK FABULOUSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *starts throwing clothing items at Alice* THIS WOULD BE PERFECT! *holds up a frilly pink cocktail dress*


	11. Chapter 11: Rose, Violet, and BMW's

M-  
ALICE: OH MY GOSH!! EDWARD, YOU ARE BRILLIANT!! ~hurries off to try it on~ HOW DO I LOOK!??! FABU, RIGHT!?!?!

K-  
EDWARD: OH ALICE! YOU LOOK SIMPLY MARVELOUS! DO A TWIRL FOR ME!

M-  
ALICE: ~does a twirl~  
~as she does this a bunch of girls come over~  
GIRL #1- THAT DRESS LOOKS GREAT ON YOU!! IT FITS YOU PERFECTLY!!!  
GIRL #2- I LOVE THE COLOR!!

K-  
EDWARD: OH, MY LITTLE ALICE! I'M SO PROUD! I'M BUYING THIS FOR YOU! Oh, come here, you! *hugs her in a death grip*

M-  
ALICE: O_____O E-EDWARD!!! DEAR BROTHER!! I LOVE YOU TOO, BUT PLEASE DON'T KILL ME!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *tears of pride* Oh, Alice, I am sorry! I just get carried away with my emotions sometimes! *sniffle* go get changed, you! We have a lot of work to do if we are to get Violet her hip new wardrobe!

M-  
ALICE: ~tries to skip but can't because of Edward's death grab so just wobbles back to the changing room~  
~5 seconds later~  
ALCIE: OKIES!!! ^^

K-  
EDWARD: ALRIGHTY! LETS GO! *grabs her hand and skips off to the next store, which has really frilly outfits EVERYWHERE*  
TIME TO GET OUR NEW FRIEND A LOVELY FEMININE WARDROBE!

M-  
ALICE: OH, WHAT ABOUT THIS!! ~hold up a bunch of stuff~  
~a couple of hours later, they arrive back at home~  
ALICE: WE'RE HOMMMMEEEE!!!  
VIOLET: ~is upstairs and hears Alice~ No! I got to hide. Just where.. ~looks around~ I know! ~hides underneath the bed~  
ONE OF VIOLET'S FRIENDS: Vi, what are you do-  
VIOLET: SHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!  
ONE OF VIOLET'S FRIENDS: Okay, okay!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *Follows Alice inside* VIOLET! WE HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU!!!!!! *skips around the house looking for her*  
ROSE, HAVE YOU SEEN VIOLET TODAY?  
ROSE: What do I look like, the skank's baby sitter?  
EDWARD: *gasp* SUCH FOWL LANGUAGE!  
ROSE: Whatever. I haven't seen her.

M-  
EMMETT: ~hears the girls talking but just grunts and walks downstairs and sees Edward~ Creature.. ~looks at Alice~ Other creature. ~walks by them~  
ALICE: OH YEAH!! ~throws a coaster at him~ WELL, YOU'RE A BABY!!!  
EMMETT: ~turns around~ WHAT. DID. YOU. JUST. SAY!?  
ALICE: YOU. ARE. A. BABY!!  
EMMETT: YOU JUST LOVEEEEE PISSING ME OFF, DON'T YOU!!  
ALICE: BABY!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, HOW DARE YOU SAY SUCH HURTFUL THINGS TO US? WE ARE YOUR FAMILY, EMMETT! YOUR FAMILY!!! NO RESPECT! NONE!!!  
WE WOULD NEVER SAY SUCH WRETCHED THINGS TO YOU, EMMETT!

M-  
ALICE: ~is not paying attention to Edward~ YOU ARE A BABY, EMMETT CULLEN!!!  
EMMETT: ~gets pissed at both of them~ ARE YOU HEARING THIS SH**, EDWARD!?!??! I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE!! AS FOR YOU!! ~picks up the coaster and throws it at Alice's head~  
ALICE: ~gets hit~ HEY!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *watches as the impact of the coaster on Alice's head makes it (the coaster) shatter into a million little pieces* DARN YOU, EMMETT CULLEN! THAT WAS MY FAVORITE COASTER! WHY CAN'T YOU EVER TREAT OUR STUFF WITH RESPECT?  
ESME: *walks in and sees Alice and Emmett throwing things at each other* ALICE! EMMETT! Please! Try to behave yourselves and get along!

M-  
EMMETT: ~sticks both of his index fingers in mouth and then walks over to Edward and Alice and gives them both wet willies~ WET WILLY!!!!!!  
ALICE: Oh, HOW GROSS EMMETT!! REALLY, MUST YOU!?  
EMMETT: ~takes his fingers out of his ears and walks upstairs~ Whatever. F***ing crazy people.

K-  
ESME: EMMETT MCCARTHY CULLEN! YOU BETTER WATCH THAT MOUTH MISTER! APOLOGIZE TO YOUR BROTHER AND SISTER, YOUNG MAN! NOW!!!  
EDWARD: OH, MY EARS! THEY HAVE BEEN GROSSLY CONTAMINATED! I WOULD FAINT, IF SUCH A THING WERE POSSIBLE FOR A MONSTER LIKE ME! *runs upstairs to take a shower*

M-

EMMETT: ~is already in room and slams the door~ F***ing crazy people. ~sees Violet on his couch~

VIOLET: EMMETT, MY LOVE!! ~comes skipping over to him and tries to hug him~  
EMMETT: ~takes his hand and sticks it right in her face to stop her~ ROSE!

K-

ROSE: *swings the door open so hard that it comes off it's hinges* THAT'S IT! OUT! NOW! *shoves Violet out of the room*

M-

EMMETT: WHAT IN THE HELL WERE YOU THINKING COMING INTO MY ROOM!?  
VIOLET: I was lost?  
EMMETT: OH, SURE!! OKAY. THAT MAKES SENSE. ESME!!!

K-

ESME: Yes, Emmett dear?

M-

EMMETT: I WANT HER ~points to Violet~ OUT RIGHT NOW!!!

K-

ESME: But Emmett, she hasn't done anything wrong! She's only staying here until we can help her find her parents. OH! Emmett, I have an Idea! You should go help Violet find her parents!

M-

EMMETT: NO WAY IN HELL!! THEY'RE PROBABLY CRAZY LIKE SHE IS!!!  
VIOLET: HEY, YOU DON'T KNOW THAT!!!  
EMMETT: OH YES I DO!!!

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K-

ESME: Emmett, I am appalled! This poor child has lost her parents! Have you no compassion? No, Emmett, you are going to help her find them. That is final. *stern mother face*

M-

EMMETT: HELL TO THE NO!! ~races upstairs~  
VIOLET: Really, thank you for trying to help me. Even if he doesn't want to help. I appreciate it. ~starts to cry~  
EMMETT: ~yells~ OH PLEASE!!! THE WHORE IS JUST ACTING!!!

K-

ESME: EMMETT! THAT LANGUAGE IS NOT APPROPRIATE! HOW MANY TIMES MUST I TELL YOU THIS???  
*to Violet* Oh, you poor dear! Come here! *hugs her tightly*

M-

VIOLET: ~hugs her back, suffocating Esme with her cleavage~  
EMMETT: ~races downstairs~ WHAT THE F***!?!?!?! WHAT TIME IS IT!?!?!  
VIOLET: ~checks clock~ It's 4-  
EMMETT: ~jumps down on the couch and start to watch tv~ THE SUPERBOWL IS ON!!! I'M SUCH A F***ING IDIOT!! GOOOOOOOOO ARIZONA!!! ~has a foam finger on and an arizona uniform on~  
ALICE: The Steelers win.  
EMMETT: F*** YOU ALICE!! F*** YOU!!! F*** THE F***ING F***ERS!!!!!! WHAT THE F*** DO YOU THINK YOU'RE F***ING DOING TELLING ME THE F***ING GAME!?!?! F*** YOU B****!!!!!!!!!

K-

ESME: Children! Such behavior is shocking for people your age! Alice, apologize to your brother. Emmett, apologize to your sister!  
EDWARD: *covers his ears* LANGUAGE!!! SUCH FOUL AND VILE LANGUAGE!!!!!! IT'S ONLY A GAME, EMMETT!

M-

EMMETT: ~was sterting to calm down but then hears Edward and jumps up really quickly anbd runs over to Edward, grabs him by the throat and throws him to one of the windows~ ABSOLUTELY NOT!! I WAS STARTING TO CALM DOWN AND THEN THIS RETARD HAD TO GO AND OPEN HIS BIG F***ING MOUTH!!! MOTHER F***ER!!!  
VIOLET: Um.. Woah..

K-

ESME: Um, Violet, perhaps you could give us a moment?  
EDWARD: *goes sailing through the air and crashes through the roof of his cabin*  
BELLA: *goes to help him up* Emmett again?  
EDWARD: No, I just got bored of using the door. I figured the roof would make a splendid point of entry. YES, IT WAS EMMETT! THAT MISCREANT! NO RESPECT! NONE!  
BELLA:...*is shocked*  
EDWARD: I'M SORRY! I SHOULD NOT HAVE BEEN SARCASTIC WITH YOU, MY LOVE! I AM SUCH A MONSTER! A HORRIBLE MONSTER! I SHALL NEVER YELL AT YOU AGAIN, DEAREST, I PROMISE! FORGIVE ME!!!

M-

EMMETT: THANK THE F***ING LORD THAT MOTHER F***ER IS F***ING GONE!!! ~sees Renesmee~ OH, THE F***ER IS HERE!!! HEY F***ER!!! HOW'S MY FAVORITE F***ER DOING TODAY!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!

K-

ESME: EMMETT! WE DO NOT USE THAT WORD! ESPECIALLY WHEN THERE ARE INNOCENT EARS PRESENT!  
Nessie dear, go find your father. Okay?  
NESSIE: *goes to jump out the window*  
ESME: Wait, NESSIE! The OTHER way, Sweetie!  
NESSIE: *skips off to the cabin through the door*  
ESME: Violet, kindly give me a moment with my son. I need to have a WORD with him. *crosses arms and taps foot*

M-

EMMETT: ~goes over to the fridge and starts eating a hotdog that's probably about 15 years old~ Yeah. Whatever. ~stuffs his face~  
VIOLET: Sure. ~goes upstairs~

K-

ESME: EMMETT What's gotten into you! You almost exposed us! Normal people can't throw their brothers out of the window!!! Please, the faster you find Violets Parents, the quicker we can stop pretending.  
And that language is unacceptable, mister! I will make a swear jar if I must! I mean it!

M-

EMMETT: WHY DO I HAVE TO GO FIND HER F***ING PARENTS!?!?!? WHY CAN'T YOU FIND THEM!?!? I DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT HER!!

K-

ESME: Emmett, please try to have some compassion! She misses her parents! And I think it will be good for you to get out of the hose for a little bit. Look, she'll go once we find her parents, so just think of it that way, okay? Please? I'll let Rose go with you if you want!

M-

EMMETT: ~rolls eyes and grumblesd some swear words about how he wants to punch small animals~ FINE!! BUT THIS BETTER BE THE LAST TIME WE EVER SEE HER F***ING FACE!!

K-

ESME: Emmett, that's 25 cents in the swear jar! I mean it! *plunks an empty jar onto the counter*  
Please behave yourself while you are gone.

M-

EMMETT: NO, F*** THE F***ING F***ERS F***ING B**** HO SLUT A**HOLE A**WIPE DOUC* RATARD D*** S***TY MOTHER F***ER!!!!

K-

ESME: *opens mouth, then closes it, slides the jar towards Emmett before walking out of the room*  
BELLA: *Walks in* I believe that makes... *ticks off on her fingers* $2.25.

M-

EMMETT: F*** F*** F*** F*** F***F*** F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***F***

K-

BELLA: Okayyyy. Well, then, I'll be going now. Have a, um, nice trip. *pats him on the back and leaves*

M-

EMMETT: ROSE!! WE ARE LEAVING TO GO FINE THE SHE DEVIL'S PARENTS!!!!  
VIOLET: ~comes back downstairs~ WHAT!? NO!!! YOU'RE NOT!! DON'T TELL ME THIS IS TRUE!! PLEASE!! I WANT TO STAY HERE!!!

K-

ROSE: Yeah.... No. Not happening. We aren't your babysitters, kiddo. *grabs the keys* LET'S BOUNCE!

M-

EMMETT: VIOLET, FIND YOUR WAY HOME. OR GO DIE IN A HOLE. WHICH EVER ONE SUITS YOU. ~follows Rosalie~

K-

ROSE: Hmmm... We probably should have asked her where her parents live. I don't even know where to start. Ah well.

M-

EMMETT: F*** this man!  
VIOLET: ~is talking from the backseat~ They live in San Frascicso.  
EMMETT: WHEN THE F*** DID YOU GET IN HERE!? GREAT, NOW EDWARD IS GUNNA HAVE TO CLEAN THE CAR BECAUSE OF YOUR SLUTTY GERMS-WAIT. RUB MORE OF YOUR GERMS ON THE SEAT!!!  
VIOLET: ~slides over the seats~ Like this..?  
EMMETT: YEAH, KEEP DOING THAT!!  
VIOLET: ~keeps doing it~

K-

ROSE: Emmett, that's disgusting!  
Wait. Did you say SAN FRANCISCO? What, are your parents hippies or something?? No. No way. NO WAY! I am NOT driving all the way down to SAN FRANSISCO!

M-

VIOLET: I would rather not say..  
EMMETT: OH, WELL YOU CAN WALK THEM!! BY ALL MEANS, SUIT YOURSELF!!!

K-

ROSE: How did you end up HERE from SAN FRANSISCO in the first place? HERE! Of all the places! Oh, we just have all the luck!

M-

VIOLET: Some things are just better left unsaid.  
EMMETT: I really don't want to hear this story..

K-

ROSE: Whatever. Point is, I'm not driving all the way to San Fransisco!

M-

VIOLET: FINE! THEN PULL OVER!!!

K-

ROSE: FINE! I WILL! *cuts across 3 lanes of traffic to get to the shoulder*

M-

VIOLET: WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRIVE LIKE A 90-YEAR-OLD BLIND GRANDMA!?! HMMMM!?!?!  
EMMETT: OH, SHUT THE F*** UP AND BE GRATEFUL THAT WE ARE GIVING YOU A RIDE!!

K-

ROSE: WELL WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BEHAVE LIKE A SLUT???

M-

VIOLET: I. AM. NOT. A. SLUT!!!  
EMMETT: UMMMM, REALITY CHECK!!! YES YOU ARE!!!  
VIOLET: JUST PULL THE F*** OVER!!

K-

ROSE: FINE! *pulls over and stomps on the breaks* THERE! HAPPY?

M-

VIOLET: ABSOLUTELY!! ~gets out of the car and slams the door and starts walking in the "direction" of San Fransisco~ GOD DAMN PEOPLE!! B*****ES!

K-

ROSE: *turns off the engine and gets out of the car* WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL US???

M-

VIOLET: HOW. THE. HELL. DID. YOU. HEAR. ME!?!?!?!?!??!

K-

ROSE: THEY'RE CALLED EARS, KIDDO! THEY'RE ATTACHED TO THE SIDES OF OUR HEADS! SOMETIMES, WE USE THEM TO LISTEN TO THINGS!

M-

VIOLET: OH, HA HA!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO BACK TO YOUR F***ING MANSION AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!

K-

ROSE: BECAUSE MY F***ING MOTHER TOLD ME TO F***ING TAKE YOU HOME! THATS WHY!

M-

VIOLET: THEN JUST SHOW UP IN A COUPLE OF DAYS AND LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!! THERE!! PROBLEM SOLVED!!

K-

ROSE: MAYBE I WILL! IN CASE YOU FORGOT, YOU WERE THE ONE STALKING US! WHATS TO SAY YOU WONT SHOW UP AT OUR DOORSTEP 3 WEEKS FROM NOW WHINING ABOUT YOUR PITIFUL LIFE! AND THEN WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK HERE!

M-

VIOLET: JUST LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE!!!  
EMMETT: Rose, just drive away so everybody can-  
~suddenly, a big bus comes down the street~  
MIKE: NO MR. FLUFFYPAWS, DON'T CRAWL INTO MY PANTS!! NO!! OUCH!!!

K-

ROSE: S***!!!!!!!!! NO! *grabs Violet and forces her down so that they are hidden by the car*

M-

MIKE: ~smells the air and frowns~ ( happy frown, ironic, right? .;) I SMELL YOU MY DARLING!!! AND I WAS WAITING FOR YOU FOR 3 WHOLE DAYS!!!!

K-

ROSE: *slowly stands up* Oh! Mike! It is you. What a, um, well. Surprise. Well, we best be off. We really have to get this young lady back to her parents. TOODLES! *jumps in the car*

M-

MIKE: OH, BUT MY BELOVED!! I HAVE MISSED YOU SOO!! ~gets out of the bus and so does his 99 cats~ NO, YOU GET BACK ONTO THAT BUS RIGHT NOW!!! ~opens Rosalie's door and the 99 cats flood into her cat~  
EMMETT: ~gets hit by a wave of about 50 cats~ WHAT THE F*** IS THIS!?!??

K-

ROSE: NO! MY CAR! THIS IS A BMW! I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS! *shoves Mike and the cats out, drags Violet in, and gasses it*

M-

EMMETT: ~is covered in fur and looks like Sasquatch and the abdominal snowman's baby~

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K-

ROSE: Oh, honey, I think you have a fur ball on you... *tries really hard not to laugh*

M-

EMMETT: ~has a mustache and beard on him~ I LOOK LIKE A F***ING FUR MONSTER!!!

K-

ROSE: But an ADORABLE f***ing fur monster!

M-

EMMETT: Sure.  
VIOLET: ~is allergic to cats and starts sneezing like crazy~ DAMN CATS!

K-

ROSE: I know! they clawed up my leather seats! Oh, you mean the allergies. Well, on the bright side, we only have to drive to SAN FRANSISCO! Thank god we aren't going anywhere far, right? Because that would be awfully MISERABLE, wouldn't it?

M-

VIOLET: DAMN CATS!!!!! ~ sneezes more and then gets an idea and wipes hands all over the seats and sneezes everywhere~ WHOOPS! MY FAULT!!

K-

ROSE: OH. MY. GOD. YOU DID NOT JUST DO THAT TO MY CAR!!! WIPE IT UP, SLUT! RIGHT NOW!

M-

VIOLET: ~keeps sneezing all over the place~ NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!


	12. Chapter 12: On the Road Again

K-  
ROSE: *throws wipes into the back seat and it hits Violet's head* IF I AM GIVING YOU A RIDE YOU ARE GOING TO CLEAN THAT UP! NOW!

M-  
VIOLET: NO!! ~throws it back at her and bounces off of Rosalie and hits VIolet in the face and tries to throw it again but bounces off of Rosalie and hits Emmett~  
EMMETT: HEY!  
VIOLET: SORRY MY BELOVED!!

K-  
ROSE: *swerves* STOP THROWING THINGS WHILST I DRIVE! NO RESPECT! NONE!  
....Oh. My. GOD! I AM TURNING INTO EDWARD!

M-  
EMMETT: YOU SEE WHAT YOU ARE DOING TO HER!?!?!?! DO YOU!?!?!? ROSE!!! COME BACK TO ME!!! PLEASE!!!! BE ABOVE THE INFLUENCE!!!

K-  
ROSE: I'M TRYING! WHAT DO I DO???  
WAIT! I HAVE AN IDEA! *cranks the radio to an obnoxious rap song* YES! THIS IS MY JAM!  
*breaks it down*

M-  
EMMETT: DARLING, BOTH HANDS ON THE ROAD. LOOK OUT!!! ~they hit a fire hydrant and the water goes everywhere~ THIS. IS. YOUR. FAULT!! ~points at Violet~  
VIOLET: HOW IS IT MY FAULT!? I DIDN'T EVEN DRIVE INTO THAT FIRE HYDRANT!!! IT WAS THAT DUMB BLONDE!! ~points to Rosalie~

K-  
ROSALIE: WATCH WHO YOU'RE CALLING A DUMB BLOND, DUMB SLUT! NOW WHAT DO WE DO???

M-  
VIOLET: ~sees Mike the bus driver~  
EMMETT: ~follows her glance~ NO WAY IN HELL!!  
~a couple of minutes later~  
EMMETT: We need a ride..  
MIKE: FROM ME!? OH, WELL, I AM SOO FLATTERED!! I KNEW MY BELOVED WOULD RETURN TO ME!! ~squeezes Rosalie~

K-  
ROSE: *cringes* We're gonna have to work on our personal boundaries, Mike.

M-  
MIKE: BUT I LOVE YOU SO!!  
EMMETT: ~death glare~ Get away from her or I will inflict the worst pain that you will ever experience in your whole miserable life.  
MIKE: I AM NOT AFRAID OF SOME PUNK ASS KID!

Loading...  
K-  
ROSE: *plops down in a seat on the bus* YOU TELL HIM, HONEY! MY HUSBAND IS NOT A PUNK ASS KID!

M-  
EMMETT: YOU HEARD HER!! I AM NOT A PUNK ASS- ~gets hit by about 70 cats~ DAMN CATS!! WHO NEEDS TO OWN THIS MUCH GOD DAMN CATS!?!?!  
MIKE: THEY ARE MY FRIENDS!!  
EMMETT: THAT IS LOW!!

K-  
ROSE: MIKE! THIS ISN'T GOING TO WORK! YOU GOTTA CHOSE! ME OR THE CATS!

M-  
MIKE: BUT I CAN'T! I EQUALLY LOVE YOU BOTH!!  
EMMETT: ~grunts and then gets attacked by more cats~ GOD DAMN!!! THESE THINGS ARE LIKE COCKROACHES!! THEY APPEAR OUT OF NOWHERE AND SOMEHOW MULTIPLY!!!

K-  
ROSE: FINE! I WILL FIND ANOTHER FORM OF TRANSPORTATION! ONE THAT IS NOT RIDDEN WITH FLEAS! *drags Emmett from the sea of cats and stomps off the bus*

M-  
EMMETT: ~looks like Sassquatch again~ WHAT THE F***!?  
MIKE: So little missy, where do you need to go? ~puts his arm around her shoulder~  
Violet: ~gives a disgusted look~ I think I just vomited. In my mouth.

K-  
ROSE: *sighs and looks back at the bus* Oh, here we go. *runs back to the bus*  
Common, Violet. We're gonna call for a rental.

M-  
VIOLET: ~is trying really hard to not throw up and nods her head and races off the bus as fast as she possibly can~

K-  
ROSE: *pulls out a cell phone and starts arguing with the rental car guy*  
YES! I WOULD LIKE A RENTAL CAR! YES! I WOULD LIKE IT NOW! NO, I DO NOT CARE HOW MANY CUP HOLDERS THERE ARE!

M-  
EMMETT: ~listens to the guy on the phone arguing that if they have animals, they better start looking for an adoption agency because the pets can't be in the car~

K-  
ROSE: *rubs her temples* NO, WE DO NOT HAVE ANY PETS! NO, I DO NOT CARE WHAT COLOR IT IS. YES, I BELIEVE I HAVE ALREADY SAID THAT I WANT IT TODAY! T.O.D.A.Y. TODAY! LISTEN, BUD, I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU GIVE US, OKAY? JUST GIVE US THE FREAKING CAR!  
*20 minutes later they get the rental car*  
ROSE: *Well... This is... nice. *Stares at the car, which looks as if it might fall apart within the next 50 miles*

M-  
EMMETT: ~goes to open the door and the door falls off~ Uhhh.. Should I grab duct tape?

K-  
ROSE: No. It's no use. *kicks the tire, which falls off* This thing isn't going anywhere.

M-  
EMMETT: ~looks at the cockroach infested seats~ OH MY GOD!!!!!!! COCKROACHES!!! ~runs away~

K-  
ROSE: Ugh. So much for that. *sighs and pulls out her cell phone*  
EDWARD: CULLEN RESIDENCE! HOW MAY I BE OF SERVICE?  
ROSE: *groans* Edward, it's me. Can you get mom or dad?  
EDWARD: ROSE! How is your trip going? I HAVE MISSED YOU SO! Why do you need mom and dad?  
ROSE: Well, there was kind of an accident and our car broke so basically we're stranded in the middle of nowhere and-  
EDWARD: HAVE NO FEAR! I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE!  
ROSE: NO! NOOOO!  
EDWARD: *has already hung up*  
ROSE: EMMETT!!!!!!!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~is running around in circles like a madman because a cockroach is on his sleeve~ GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF! GET IT OFF!

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! IT'S JUST A BUG! *flicks it off* WE HAVE MORE PRESSING MATTERS AT HAND!

M-  
EMMETT: ~keeps running around in circles and then stops~ Oh.. Uhh.. Right.. What?

K-  
ROSE: Edward! He's on his way. Right now.

M-  
EMMETT: ~runs around again in circles like a madman~ THIS. CAN'T. BE. HAPPENING. TO. ME!!!!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *pulls up in Bella's 'after' car* BROTHER! SISTER! IT HAS BEEN TOO LONG! COMMON, EVERYBODY! PILE ON IN! OH, THIS IS GOING TO BE THE BEST ROAD TRIP EVER!

M-  
EMMETT: ~runs in circles even faster~

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, YOU SILLY GOOSE! COME HERE, BROTHER! *gets out of the car and drags him back* OH, HOW I'VE MISSED YOU!

M-  
EMMETT: ~kicks and punches all over the place like some spoiled 5-year-old~ NO!! STOP IT!! I DON'T WANT TO GET IN THAT CAR!!

K-  
EDWARD: *picks him up and plops him in a seat and straps him in* There you go! *pats him on the head before getting into the front seat*

M-  
EMMETT: ~tries to bite Edward's hand but Edward pulled away too quickly~ WHY THE F*** AM I IN THE BABY SEAT!?

K-  
EDWARD: BECAUSE YOU, MISTER, NEED A LESSON IN THE WAYS OF RESPECTFUL BEHAVIOR!  
EVERYONE IN? *checks the back to make sure rose, Violet, and Emmett are all in* OKIE DOKIE! LET'S GO!  
*flicks on the radio and sings along*  
ON THE ROAD AGAIN!  
JUST CAN'T WAIT TO GET ON THE ROAD AGAIN!  
*drives off*

M-  
EMMETT: ~straps himself out of the seat and change the song~ OH!! KORN!!! Feeling like a freak on a leash. Feeling like I have no release.  
How many times have I felt diseased? (( I F***ING HATE THIS SONG BTW))

K-  
EDWARD: NO! WE DO NOT TOUCH THINGS THAT ARE NOT OURS! HANDS TO YOURSELF, EMMETT! NO RESPECT! NONE!  
*flips the radio back*  
ROSE: *reaches for the radio and flips it off* ENOUGH! THIS MUSIC MAKES ME WANT TO DIE!  
EDWARD: FINE!  
*silence for a moment*  
EDWARD: OH! PUNCHBUGGIE NO PUNCH BACKS! *punches everybody in the car*

M-  
EMMETT: ~hits Edward really hard on hia shoulder~ DON'T TOUCH ME B****!!!  
VIOLET: ~when nobody was watching shell pulled out a camcorder and started filming them~ Ahhh. So this is the wonderful thing of "brotherly love."  
EMMETT: B****!! PUT THAT CAMCORDER AWAY!!

K-  
EDWARD: SUCH HORRID LANGUAGE! I WILL NOT HAVE SUCH WORDS UTTERED IN MY WIFE'S CAR! HER VEHICLE WILL NOT BE SPOILED WITH SUCH DISDAINFUL SPEECH!

M-  
EMMETT: F*G, SHUT THE F*** UP!! IT'S NOT LIKE THE CAR HAS FEELINGS OR ANYTHING!! ~starts punching the car's windows until he "accidentally" breaks one~  
VIOLET: Wait- why aren't you bleeding?  
EMMETT: Huh?  
VIOLET: Shouldn't you be bleeding? I mean, you just put your hand through the window and broke it.  
EMMETT: HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT THE F*** UP!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *is practically speechless with rage* CAR. WINDOW. LANGUAGE. BELLA. CAR!  
ROSE: Emmett, hun, calm down. Only 884 miles. That's it.

M-  
EMMETT: I MIGHT F***ING KILL MYSELF!! AND I'M SITTING NEXT TO THIS HO!!!

K-  
EDWARD: LANGUAGE! CAR! BELLA'S CAR! LANGUAGGGGE!!!! I WILL NOT STAND SUCH VERBAL ASSAULT FOR 15 HOURS! DON'T MAKE ME COME BACK THERE, MISTER!

M-  
EMMETT: ~eye starts twitching and so does his hand and it shakes so badly that he ends up having a spasm and hitting Violet right in the face and hitting her so hard that it makes her get knocked out and have a bloody nose~ SH**!! LOOK IT WHAT YOU MADE ME DO!!

K-  
EDWARD: I DIDN'T MAKE YOU DO ANYTHING! IF YOU HAD KEPT YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF, LIKE I TOLD YOU TOO, THIS WOULDN'T HAVE HAPPENED!

M-  
EMMETT: IT'S YOUR FAULT FOR BEING HERE!! THIS WOULDN'T BE HAPPENING IF YOU WEREN'T HERE!! GOD, SHE SMELL LIKE ROTTEN S***!!!

K-  
EDWARD: IF I WEREN'T HERE YOU WOULD STILL BE STUCK IN THE MIDDLE OF NO WHERE! WHY ARE YOU SO UNGRATEFUL??  
*Tosses some cleaning supplies in the back seat*  
WILL SOMEBODY PLEASE CLEAN THAT UP? BEFORE SOMEBODY EATS HER?

M-  
EMMETT: WE WERE PERFECTLY CAPABLE OF FINDING OUR OWN RIDE!! AND I'M NOT CLEANING HER UP!!! YOU DO IT!! YOU'RE THE ONE WHO MADE ME HIT HER!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, I'M DRIVING! I CAN'T CLEAN AND DRIVE AT THE SAME TIME! YOU DO IT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets out of his seat, climbs to the front, hits the stop pedal and then unstraps Edward's seatbelt and then pushes Edward out of the seat and pushes him into the backseat and then drives~ Be sure of get the seat too. 'Kay? ~says it preppy~

K-  
EDWARD: *begins to clean* EMMETT CULLEN, THAT WAS COMPLETELY UNCALLED FOR! NO RESPECT! NONE! YOU DO THIS ALL THE TIME, EMMETT! I FEEL SO USED! I AM NOT YOUR MAID, EMMETT! IS THIS ALL I AM TO YOU, EMMETT? YOUR PERSONAL MAID?  
AND BE MORE GENTLE WITH THE CONTROLS! THIS IS NOT YOUR CAR, EMMETT! YOU CAN NOT TREAT IT LIKE GARBAGE! DO YOU THINK MY WIFE'S CAR IS GARBAGE, EMMETT?

M-  
EMMETT: OH MY F***ING GOD, SHUT THE F*** UP FOR 5 F***ING MINUTES SO WE CAN HAVE SOME F***ING PEACE AND F***ING QUIET!!

K-  
EDWARD: ABSOLUTELY NOT! NOT UNTIL YOU STOP SWEARING!  
ROSE: THAT'S IT! EMMETT, I AM NOT SITTING NEXT TO EDWARD FOR THE NEXT 15 HOURS! NO WAY! YOU GET YOUR BEHIND BACK HERE THIS INSTANT, MISTER!

M-  
EMMETT: NO!!! NO WAY IN HELL AM I SITTING NEXT TO THAT PSYCO!! Just sit in the front.

K-  
EDWARD: WHAT, SO YOU TWO CAN DRIVE THIS CAR INTO A RIVER, TOO? NO! I WON'T STAND FOR THIS! EMMETT, I WANT TO DRIVE!

M-  
EMMETT: NO WAY IN HELL!! IF I DRIVE, WE'LL BE THERE IN LIKE A FEW HOURS. WITH YOU IT WOULD TAKE LIKE MONTHS BECAUSE YOU'RE A F***ING GRANDPA!!!

K-  
EDWARD: WHAT IS WRONG WITH DRIVING AT A RESPECTABLE PACE OF 80 MPH? WE HAVE THE SAFETY OF OTHERS IN THIS VEHICLE TO CONSIDER, EMMETT! JUST BECAUSE WE WOULD NOT BE HARMED BY A CRASH DOESN'T MEAN VIOLET WOULDN'T! THINK OF HER POOR PARENTS! THEY'VE BEEN SEPARATED FOR MONTHS, AND THEN THEY FIND OUT THEIR DAUGHTER HAS BEEN KILLED IN A COMPLETELY AVOIDABLE CRASH? WE MUST BE RESPONSIBLE! I AM NOT A GRANDPA, EMMETT! TAKE THAT BACK! TAKE IT BACK RIGHT NOW! I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME NAMES ANYMORE! NAME CALLING IS LIKE TAKING A METAPHORICAL KNIFE AND SLICING THE SOUL, EMMETT! DON'T YOU THINK OUR SOULS HAVE HAD ENOUGH DAMAGE FOR ONE ETERNITY? DON'T YOU???


	13. Chapter 13: Meet the Parents

M-  
EMMETT: FIRST OFF, I DON'T THINK HER PARENTS WOULD LIKE IT IF THEY FOUND OUT THAT THEIR DAUGHTER HAS BECOME A PROSTITUTE AND HITS ON MARRIED MEN ALL THE TIME, TRYING TO GET INTO THEIR PANTS!!! THEY WOULD PROBABLY THANK US FOR KILLING THEIR DAUGHTER!!! I MEAN, WHO COULD EVER DREAM OF HAVING A PROSTITUTE AS A DAUGHTER!! I WOULD WANT TO BE SEPARATED FROM MY DAUGHTER TOO IF I KNEW THIS IS WHAT SHE WAS DOING!!! SECONDLY, YOU ARE A GRANDPA AND I DON'T GIVE A F*** ABOUT YOUR SOUL!! IT CAN GO JUMP OFF A BRIDGE AND DIR FOR ALL I CARE!!! AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU, BUT MY SOUL IS FINE!! YOU'RE JUST A BIG F***ING INSANE DRAMA QUEEN!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *gasp* EMMETT, WHO ARE WE TO JUDGE THIS POOR YOUNG WOMAN? SHE HAS OBVIOUSLY MET HARDSHIPS IN HER LIFE! WE MUST HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING, EMMETT! AND EVEN IF THAT WAS THE CASE, I'M SURE HER PARENTS WOULD LOVE HER, DESPITE HER PROMISCUOUS BEHAVIOR!

M-  
EMMETT: I UNDERSTAND THAT SHE IS A PROSTITUTE WHO KEEPS THROWING HERSELF AT ME!! AM I WRONG ROSE!?

K-  
ROSE: I don't know. Prostitute might be too kind. I was thinking more along the lines of.. *utters some colorful phrases that don't go over too well with Edward*  
EDWARD: ROSE, I AM SHOCKED AND DISAPPOINTED! YOUNG LADIES SUCH AS YOURSELF HAVE NO BUSINESS WITH SUCH DIRTY LANGUAGE! THAT IS SO UNPURE! THIS POOR CHILD NEEDS LOVE AND ATTENTION AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO OFFER? *glares at them both while continuing to scrub the backseat*

M-  
EMMETT: WHATEVER, JUST BE A GOOD MAID AND CLEAN UP THE MESS!

K-  
EDWARD: *scrubs so hard that he nearly rips the seat* 15 more hours. 15! That is all!

M-  
EMMETT: NO TALKING, SLAVE!! CLEAN!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, I AM NOT YOUR SLAVE! SLAVERY WAS OUTLAWED A LONG TIME AGO! IT IS MORALLY REPREHENSIBLE! *puts away the cleaning supplies* I REFUSE TO CONTINUE!  
ROSE: It's clean anyways...  
EDWARD: WHATEVER! *crosses arms and sulks*

M-  
EMMETT: JUST SHUT THE F*** UP SLAVE!!!

K-  
EDWARD: *through his teeth* I. Am. NOT. Your. SLAVE! AND WATCH THAT MOUTH! WE ARE IN THE PRESENCE OF LADIES! *gestures to Rose and Violet*

M-  
EMMETT: ONE IS ALREADY KNOCKED OUT WITH YOUR HELP, AND ROSE PROBABLY LIKES IT BECAUSE IT PISSES YOU OFF!!

K-  
EDWARD: *still talking through his teeth* If I recall correctly, _dear_ brother, It was YOU who knocked out this poor girl.

M-  
EMMETT: WITH THE HELP OF YOU!!!~starts muttering very bad words under his breath that is censored~

K-  
EDWARD: *ignores him and starts to fan Violet* Dear child, are you all right? Wake up!

M-  
VIOLET: ~is dreaming about Emmett and starts to mumble his name and other bad things that won't go into detail~  
EMMETT: OH JEEZE, YOU SEE!? TOLD YOU!

K-  
EDWARD: OH DEAR! SHE IS DELUSIONAL! THIS IS MUCH WORSE THAN I THOUGHT! *starts waving more frantically*

M-  
EMMETT: I TOLD YOU, YOU F***ING B****!!! MAYBE NEXT TIME YOU'LL F***ING LISTEN TO ME!!

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT, SHE IS UNCONSCIOUS! SHE DOES NOT KNOW WHAT SHE IS SAYING! OH MY HEAVENS, WE CAN NOT RETURN HER TO HER PARENTS LIKE THIS! WHAT THEY WILL SAY!

M-  
EMMETT: HERE!! LET ME HELP WAKE HER UP!! ~starts punching her~

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT! WHAT HAS GOTTEN IN TO YOU! YOU WILL SERIOUSLY HUT HER! AND KEEP BOTH HANDS ON THE WHEEL, IF YOU PLEASE!

M-  
VIOLET: ~starts to wake up~ Mmmmhhhmm.. What happened?  
EMMETT: YOU F***ING BLED ALL OVER THE PLACE, F***ING B****!!!

K-  
EDWARD: Dear child, I apologize for the actions of my Brother. He does not know his own strength at times.  
ROSE: *snorts at the use of 'dear child'*

M-  
EMMETT: ~snorts just because it's Edward talking and thinks: GOD, WOULD YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!? 5 MINUTES OF PEACE!! THAT'S ALL WE F***ING WANT!! 5 F***ING MINUTES!!!~  
VIOLET: O-okay?

K-  
February 21 at 12:18am  
EDWARD: *ignores Emmett* Are you okay? My brother here knocked you out pretty good.

M-  
EMMETT: ~rolls eyes and thinks: A**hole~  
VIOLET: Hmm? Why?

K-  
EDWARD: I don't know. Ask Emmett. WHO SEEMS TO THINK THE FACT THAT I CARE ABOUT PEOPLE MAKES ME A BAD PERSON! *seethes*

M-  
EMMETT: ~stops the car, gets out of the car and the goes to the back, drags Edward out of the car and then throws him really hard to the ground and then gets back into the car, locks the doors and then keeps on driving~ B****.

K-  
ROSE: *high fives Emmett*  
EDWARD: *calls him on his cell phone, running along behind him* EMMETT, THAT IS MY WIFE'S CAR! YOU DO NOT HAVE PERMISSION TO USE THAT WITHOUT MY PRESENCE, EMMETT! NO RESPECT! NONE!

M-  
EMMETT: ~speeds up to about 90 miles per hour and then cranks the radio with horrible music~ WUD YOU KNOW 'BOUT ME!? WUD YOU, WUD YOU KNOW!?!?

K-  
EDWARD: EMMETT MCCARTHY CULLEN! COME BACK HERE RIGHT NOW MISTER! YOU ARE IN SO MUCH TROUBLE! YOU HAVE NO IDEA! OH, JUST WAIT TILL YOU GET HOME, EMMETT! DON'T YOU DARE WRECK THAT CAR! THAT'S A FERRARI, EMMETT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~drives even faster~  
~12 hours later, they arrive at Violet's house~  
VIOLET: Damn, you drive fast.  
EMMETT: That's because I'm not a grandpa.  
VIOLET: ~looks at her house~ O_O!! Do I really have to go in there?  
EMMETT: WHAT DO YOU MEAN "DO I REALLY HAVE TO GO IN THERE!?" WE SPENT 12 PLUS HOURS ON THE ROAD!! OF COURSE YOU'RE GETTING YOUR A** INSIDE THAT HOUSE!!  
VIOLET: .

K-  
ROSE: *gets out of the car and pulls her out, pointing to the door* MARCH, MISSY!

M-  
VIOLET: Okay, okay!! Miss. Grabby. ~walks to the door and rings the bell~ You know what? Maybe this isn't a good idea. I think I'm gunna bolt. ~tries to run but ends up bumping into Emmett's chest~  
EMMETT: 12. HOURS. I. DON'T. THINK. SO!!!

K-  
VI'S MOM: *opens the door* POOKIEBEAR, IS THAT YOU?! *engulfs her in a big hug* IT'S BEEN SO LONG! I'VE MISSED YOU HONEY! YOUR FATHER AND I HAVE BEEN SO WORRIED! AND THESE MUST BE YOUR NEW FRIENDS! *hugs Emmett and Rosalie* OH, THANK YOU FOR BRINGING OUR LITTLE SUGARPLUM HOME SAFE AND SOUND! PLEASE, COME IN!  
ROSE: Oh, no, that's okay. I wouldn't want to, um, impose. *backs away slowly*  
MOM: NONSENSE! *grabs them all and pulls them in*  
ROSE: Holy. Crap. *basically the whole house is a shrine to Violet- her pictures cover just about every inch of the house*

M-  
VI'S DAD: OH, SNUGGLEKISSES!!! GIVE YOUR FATHER A BIG BEAR HUG!!! ~gives Violet a noogie and then gives her a deathly squeeze hug~ HOW WAS CHURCH CAMP, BABY!?  
EMMETT: ~can't help but to crack up once~

K-  
MOM: Oh, I'm sure it was MARVELOUS! All the pamphlets made it seem quite charming! Good wholesome fun for our sweetiedums! Oh! How rude of me! I haven't offered drinks! Vi's friends, would you like some tea?  
ROSE: Um, I'm not much of a tea drinker, myself.  
MOM: Coffee, then?  
ROSE: No, that's alright.  
MOM: Oh, common. I insist!  
ROSE: Okay, fine.  
MOM: Caff of Decaff?  
ROSE: It doesn't matter.  
MOM: Come now, don't be shy! Which ever you prefer!  
ROSE:*mumbles* Decaff...  
MOM: *looks to Emmett* And you, dear?

M-  
EMMETT: Beer, if you have any-  
VIOLET: ~gives Emmett a look~  
EMMETT: I mean, Root Beer, if you have any.  
VI'S DAD: Sorry, we don't carry root beer. It is filled with sugar and caffine which our bodies simply do not need. The Lord would not appreciate it if we put such wastes into our bodies. We must cherish our bodies like sacred temples.  
EMMETT: ~gives Violet a look~  
VIOLET: ~makes a gesture to show that her parents are crazy~

K-  
MOM: That's right, Shnuckums! *hands coffee to Rose, who sips it gingerly* Here, we have milk, water, and tomato juice. Which would you prefer, dear?

M-  
EMMETT: Uh, I'm good. Thanks though.  
DAD: I would suggest the milk, if I were you. Excellent souce of calcium in which our bodies need. It helps build those strong bones. Well, I don't think you need anymore milk, actually!! ~looks at Emmett's muscles~  
EMMETT: Uh.. Okay..?  
DAD: ~starts to feel Emmett's muscles~ Oh, what it's like to be young again.  
EMMETT: ~is kind of terrified by the dad, thinking it's Micheal Jackson or something~ Uh..  
VIOLET: DAD!! Um, why don't you grab me some water! I'm parched  
DAD: Okay, sugarplum!! Whatever you say. ~goes and grabs her a water and then comes back~ So sweets, how was Church Camp? Are these your friends you made at camp?  
EMMETT: Yes Vi, how DID you like Church Camp? Was it everything you expected, and more!?  
VIOLET: Uhh..

K-  
ROSE: *swings arm around Violets shoulder* Oh, it was amazing! PRAISE THE LORD! That's how we met, you know. At church camp. We were in the same cabin and everything. It was so funny, that one night when Vi- Oh, well, I'm sure she could tell the story much better than I could, couldn't you, Vi?

M-  
VIOLET: ~looks down at her hands~Um, well, you see.. ~looks up to find both of her parents looking at her~ Well, it WAS funny because it was raining out really hard and I came in soaking wet and then we ended up loosing power and I accidently slipped on a puddle and ended up grabbing Rose by accident, because I couldn't see because it was dark, and we ended up falling down together. When the lights finally turned back on, Rose was covered in mud because of the mud I trailed in after me and she ended up getting it all over her when she was trying to get back up. We've been friends ever since! ~wraps her arm around Rosalie~  
DAD: HA HA!! ~laughs really loud and obnoxious~ OH, HOW FUNNY!!

K-  
MOM: *laughs so hard she snorts* Oh, that is just too funny! You crazy teenagers.  
ROSE: Oh, you should have seen her hair after the rain, too! it looked a little something like this! *messes up Violet's hair* We had a good laugh at it, didn't we, Vi?

M-  
VIOLET: ~fixes her hair and sees a cake, fat free of course~ Oh, and this is what Rose looked AFTER the mud was on her! ~smears the whole cake all over Rose~

K-  
MOM: Violet, that wasn't very nice, sweetie! What a way to treat your new friends! I would like you to apologize, dumpling.  
ROSE: That's fine. We have to be going anyways.  
MOM: No, please stay! Here, I'll go get you cleaned up!  
*15 minutes later*  
ROSE: *glares at Emmett* Not. A. Word. *is dressed in a lumpy sweater with cats knited into it*

M-  
EMMETT: ~tries really hard to keep it in, but fails and ends up falling onto the floor from laughing~  
DAD: Awww, don't you look soo cute!! ~takes a picture~ We MUST make mulitple copies for everyone we know. ~looks at the film~ THIS ONE IS A KEEPER!!

K-  
ROSE: Wait! I think Vi should have one, too! I don't know when I'll see her again! I'll need this for the memories, you know! And my brother looooves to scrapbook.  
MOM: OH, you are so right! Come here poodle! I'll go get you your sweater!

M-  
VIOLET: BUT I THINK EMMETT NEEDS ONE TOO!!  
EMMETT: I'm all over it Vi, don't you worry! ~rips open his button down shirt to reveal another shirt that says "JESUS IS MY SAVIOR!"  
DAD: ~looks at the shirt~ OH, HOW VERY CLEAVER, DEAR BOY!!!

K-  
MOM: OH, WHAT A WONDERFUL SHIRT! Where ever did you get it?  
ROSE: Yeah, where DID you get it, hun?

M-  
EMMETT: Well, I got it from the mall, but it is really God who should have credit for this shirt. For he makes everything. GOD IS OUR SAVIOR!! ROCK ON GOD!!  
DAD: HOW GREAT, HOW AWSOME HE IS!!

K-  
MOM: WHERE WOULD I BE, WITHOUT MY JESUS?

M-  
EMMETT: JESUS IS MY HOMEBOY!!! ROLLIN' WITH MY JESUS!!!

K-  
ROSE: *raises her eyebrows at Emmett while sipping her coffee*  
MOM: *rushes up to Emmett and pinches his cheeks* YOU HAVE CLEARLY BEEN TOUCHED BY GOD! OH! I HAVE JUST THE GREATEST IDEA! YOU SHOULD HOST OUR BIBLE CLUB THIS WEEK! OH PLEASE, YOU WOULD JUST LOVE IT!

M-  
EMMETT: Well, you see, Rose and I have to get back home. My parents and I are going on a retreat for our church, and we simply can't miss it! Isn't that right Rose?

K-  
ROSE: OH, yes. We wouldn't want to miss that, would we?  
MOM: Aw, that's just too bad! What a shame. Tell you what, give me a call next time you're in the neighborhood and we'll fix it right up. You won't be sorry!

M-  
DAD: ORRRR!!! IDEA!!! We CaN COME WITH YOU!! OH, ROADTRIP!!! HONEY, WOULDN"T THAT BE EXCITING!! YOU HAVE BEEN SAYING FOR A WHILE HOW YOU WANTED TO GET AWAY!! THIS IS A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!!!  
EMMETT: Uhh..

K-  
ROSE: Well, you see-  
MOM: OH, THAT WOULD BE QUITE FANTASTIC! I'VE NEVER BEEN TO A CHURCH RETREAT IN WASHINGTON! I MUST START PACKING!

M-  
EMMETT: But, wait-! Uh..  
DAD: Yes..?  
EMMETT: Rose, is there something you would like to tell them?

K-  
ROSE: Oh! Yes. That. Well, I'm sure you would be GREAT company on our trip, but I'm afraid you already missed the sign up date.  
MOM: Oh dear! How rotten!

M-  
DAD: Hmm.. That's a bugger!! What a jolly trip it would make!!  
EMMETT: Yes! I know how much my ~winces~ brother would like it.

K-  
ROSE: Oh yes. He would just adore you two.  
MOM: Oh, your brother, did you say? Is he here now?

M-  
EMMETT: Unfortunately, ~thinks: thank god~ he's not. He's at home. Studying his bible. With his bible group.  
VIOLET: ~thinks: OH JEEZE! GIVE IT UP ALREADY!~

K-  
ROSE: Yup. Can't get enough of that Exodus. Well, anyways. If you could excuse us, we really should be going...  
MOM: Aw, so soon?

M-  
DAD: Well, do you think that our little girl could go with you? We would be happy to pay any amount! I know she would LOVE going to this retreat.

K-  
ROSE: NO! I mean, um, as much as we would LOVE to have Violet around, there simply aren't any slots left. You know how these things are.

Loading...  
M-  
DAD: Oh yes, I do. But I'm sure if you talk to somebody, you will be able to change their minds. I mean, who would reject a child who wants to be closer to God?

K-  
MOM: *walks up to Violet and pinches her cheeks* AND WHO COUlD DENY THIS WUVABLE FACE???  
ROSE: Well, uh, Emmett, what do you think?

M-  
EMMETT: Uhh.. ~looks at Violet's parents~  
DAD: Oh, please!? I know how much she would enjoy it!

K-  
ROSE: *looks desperately up to Emmett* Well I, uh, don't know how far we can, um, extend our influence. We can, um, try to put in a good word for Violet.  
MOM: Oh, could you? YOU ARE SUCH A SWEETHEART! *runs over to Rosalie and pinches her cheeks*

M-  
DAD: I'LL START PACKING HER CLOTHES NOW!!! ~runs toward the direction of her room~  
EMMETT: ~groans but makes sure only Rose can hear~

K-  
MOM: OH, WAIT FOR ME, HONEYPOO! *goes to help pack*  
ROSE: *whispers to Emmett* Well, what was I supposed to do??

M-  
EMMETT: ~whispers back~ I don't know. But we're stuck with this slut for like 2 weeks.. ~groans~

K-  
ROSE: *forgets to whisper* TWO WEEKS???  
MOM: *peeks out from Violet's room* Is everything ok out there, sweetie pie?

**Uhhhh. Maybe I should just let you guys know, we don't want anyone to take offense from this section, you know, with the whole Jesus thing. Both me and M and christian and we don't intend to make anyone feel stupid if they do or don't believe in him. That's not the point. If you like Jesus and took offense to this because Vi's parents are slightly crazy, we did not mean it that way. If you do not believe in Jesus, we are not trying to impose our religion on you. Just though I should get that out. Yeah.  
~K**


	14. Chapter 14: Escape from the Parents

M-  
VIOLET: SUPER MOMMY!! JUST SUPER!! ~has a huge smile on her face~  
EMMETT: OH, GAG ME!! ~forgets to whsiper~  
DAD: ~peeks out from Violet's room too~ Everything okay pumpkin? ~looks at Emmett weirdly~  
EMMETT: I mean.. OH, GOD ME!! FOR GOD IS GOOD AND BEING HOLY AND.. STUFF!!

K-  
MOM: OKAY, SWEETIE, WE'LL BE DONE IN A MINUTE! *examines a pile of stuff on Violet's bed* HEY BOOGER BUTT, DO YOU WANT YOUR DO YOU WANT YOUR GREEN BIBLE OR YOUR BLUE ONE? *looks back at both of them, shrugs, and puts them both in the suitcase*  
AND HOW ABOUT MR. BEAR? ARE YOU BRINGING HIM? *hugs the teddy* I REMEMBER WHEN YOU WOULDN'T GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HIM! OH, HE WAS YOUR VERY BEST FRIEND! ONCE, YOU CRIED FOR TWO WHOLE DAYS WHEN YOU THOUGHT HE WAS MISSING! DO YOU REMEMBER THAT, HONEY BUNCHES?  
ROSE: *looks at Violet* Mr. Bear?

M-  
VIOLET: Oh, like you didn't have a stuffed animal friend you could tell anything too!?

K-  
ROSE: Actually, I didn't. I was too busy collecting flowers from admirers for a 'Mr. Bear'.  
MOM: *comes wobbling through the doorway with 5 suitcases filled to the brim for Violet* OKAY POOKIE! THIS IS IT! I'M GOING TO MISS YOU, SWEETHEART! YOU BE CAREFUL, OKAY? AND NO SODA! BEHAVE! *drops the suitcases and suffocates/hugs violet while crying* I'M JUST. SO. PROUD!

M-  
EMMETT: You know, maybe she should like keep a journal. Like what she does everyday.  
DAD: ALWAYS THINKING, MY MAN!! WHAT A BRILLIANT IDEA!! VIOLET, YOU MUST WRITE A THOUSAND WORDS A DAY ON WHAT YOU DID!! WE WANT TO KNOW EVERY STEP YOU TAKE, EVERY BREATH YOU TAKE. IT WILL FEEL LIKE WE WERE WATCHING YOU!!

K-  
MOM: OH, BUT THAT'S BRILLIANT! YES, EVERY MOVE YOU MAKE! EVERY SINGLE DAY! OH HONEY, PLEASE DO IT FOR YOUR POOR, WORRIED MOTHER! *makes puppy face*  
ROSE: Yes, I agree. Violets every FASCINATING move. Recorded forever. What great ideas you have, honey! *hugs Emmett*  
MOM: *runs out of the room, returning a few minutes later carrying a massive journal, which she hands to Violet* HERE YOU GO! Oh, MY LITTLE GIRL IS GROWING UP! *cries again*

M-  
VIOLET: ~gives an icy glare to Rose and then takes the journal from her mom~ Thanks mom..  
DAD: AND DON'T FORGET YOUR JESUS SWEATER!!! ~puts a sweater on Violet that says "JESUS LIVES IN ME"  
VIOLET: Thanks dad..

K-  
ROSE: *refrains from gagging* I'm just going to go start the car. *grabs a few suitcases and goes to load them into the trunk*  
MOM: OF COURSE! HOW COULD I HAVE BEEN SO RUDE! LET ME HELP YOU, DEAR! *grabs a suitcase and drags it to the car*

M-  
DAD: Okay, Violet sweetie. I want you to make good decisions on this trip.  
EMMETT: Oh, don't worry Mr. Obleach. She's in good hands.  
DAD: Oh, COME HERE POOKIE!! ~grabs Violet and plants a big fat one of VIolet's cheek~  
VIOLET: OH DAD!! GROSS!!  
DAD: LISTEN HERE, YOUNG LADY!! YOU ARE MY DAUGHTER AND I CAN CHOOSE TO PUBLICALLY HUMLIATE YOU WHENEVER I WANT TO!!

K-  
MOM: *locks her in a death squeeze* OH HONEY, JUST BE SAFE AND GOOD AND MAKES LOTS OF FRIENDS AND DON'T FORGET TO SUNSCREEN EVERY HOUR AND DRINK LOTS OF WATER AND IF YOU EVER GET LONELY I'M ALWAYS A PHONE CALL AWAY!!!

M-  
DAD: And guys? ~is talking to Emmett and Rose~ Look after out little girl for us, won't you?  
EMMETT: Oh, trust us Mr. O, she's in GREAT hands. Isn't that right, Rose?

K-  
ROSE: OH, don't you worry a thing, Sir. Your daughter is in perfectly capable hands.  
MOM: *hugs Emmett and cries some more* THANK YOU!!!!!!

M-  
DAD: HUG ATTACK!! HUG ATTACK!! ~glomps Rosalie and Emmett and his wife and daughter~  
VIOLET: ~groans~ DAD!! YOU'RE SQUEEZING ME TO DEATH!!  
DAD: NOW VIOLET!! WE DO NOT SAY "DEATH" IN THIS HOUSE!! DO YOU HEAR ME!?

K-  
MOM: IT IS MUCH TOO DEPRESSING DEAR! YOU A FAR TOO YOUNG TO THINK OF SUCH THINGS!  
ROSE: Allllrighty. Well then. *breaks free from Vi's dad's hug to get in the car* I'll drive.

M-  
DAD: NOW MY PEACH, IF YOU FEEL AT ALL HOME SICK IN ANY WAY, YOU CONTACT US ANY WAY!! I'M SURE THE LORD WOULD UNDERSTAND IF YOU LEFT!!!  
VIOLET: ~thinks: I would rather shoot myself in the foot than to ever return back here~ Thanks dad! Got it! ~forces a smile~

K-  
MOM: *gives her a big slobbery kiss on the forehead* WRITE OFTEN, DUMPLING! I SHALL MISS YOU SO VERY MUCH! AND DON'T FORGET YOUR SEAT BELT! AND MAKE SURE YOU BRUSH YOUR TEETH EVERY NIGHT, YOU HEAR? OK! I LOVE YOU! BYE!!!!!!!  
ROSE: *is tapping her fingers against the steering wheel in impatience*

M-  
EMMETT: ~gets into the car~  
DAD: ~comes outside~ OH, AND EMMETT!?!? YOU KEEP DOING WHAT YOU'RE DOING, YOU BIG STUD YOU!!!!  
EMMETT: Is he trying to molest me or something?

K-  
ROSE: Aw, give the poor guy a break honey. At least he has good taste! *pinches Emmett's cheeks*

M-  
EMMETT: Now I think you're going to have to fight over my love. ~sees Violet come out of the house~ Especially now over these next couple of weeks.

K-  
ROSE: *whines* NO!!!! HOW. DID. THIS. HAPPEN??????????

Loading...  
M-  
EMMETT: Because you're nice and loving. And it's only for a couple of weeks. ~pauses and then groans~  
VIOLET: ~gets into the car~ DRIVE!

K-  
MOM: BABYKINS! WHAT HAVE I TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT? WE ALWAYS SAY PLEASE!  
ROSE: *gasses it* Violet, next time you need a ride home, you can count me out! Actually, just any time you need a ride.

M-  
VIOLET: DO YOU REALLY THINK I ENJOY THIS!? Ugh, pull over.

K-  
ROSE: YES, ACTUALLY, I DO THINK YOU ENJOY THIS! Pull over? Why, so you can let all the air out of the tires? I don't think so. I've been in this stupid car all day and I just want to go home.

M-  
VIOLET: FINE! Then do you have any make up remover? ~is currently covered by her mom's lipstick~  
EMMETT: Why? ~turns around and looks at Violet~ AH HA HA HA!!! YOU GOT MOMIFIED!! AH HA HA!!

K-  
ROSE: *inspects Vi's face* You know, this is possibly the worst I've ever seen it. Even worse than what Edward got when he got home from South America.

M-  
VIOLET: DO YOU HAVE ANY OR NOT!?

K-  
ROSE: NO! I LEFT IT AT HOME! JUST DEAL!

M-  
VIOLET: UGH!! YOU ARE NO USE TO ME AT ALL!!!  
EMMETT: NO USE!?!?!???!?!?!?! NO USE!?!?!?!?!? OKAY, WE DIDN'T DRIVE HUNDREDS OF MILES TO GET YOU HOME. NOPE!! ALL APART OF YOUR IMAGINATION!! AND NO, WE DIDN'T HELP YOU AT ALL WITH YOUR PSYCHO PARENTS, ONE OF WHICH WAS TRYING TO MOLEST ME, IT WAS JUST A FIGMENT TO YOUR IMAGINATION!!! OH, THAT'S RICH!! JUST F***ING RICH!!!

K-  
ROSE: YEAH! WHAT HE SAID! AND I JUST DRANK A WHOLE MUG OF COFFEE! I HATE COFFEE!


	15. Chapter 15: Walmart & McD's livin large

**I feel compelled to point out that in this section, there are a few references to a couple awesome movies (Nick and Norah, Forest Gump... A slight reference to Dumb and Dumber that you may or may not pick up on...).If you've seen these movies, great, it makes it funnier. But if you haven't you should still understand it fine. Also, we seem to be having space bar issues. Sorry if we missed any spaces in the words- hopefully I found them all, but I doubt it. Anyways. Moving on...**

M-  
VIOLET: WELL, YOU'RE THE ONES WHO DROVE ME HERE!! YOU DIDN'T HAVE TO!  
EMMETT: UM, WE WERE TRYING TO DITCH YOU!!

K-  
ROSE: What, did you think we LIKE spending 12 hours driving?

M-  
VIOLET: OF COURSE I DON'T THINK THAT MORON!  
EMMETT: ~hits her on the side of the head~ DON'T CALL HER A MORON, MORON!

K-  
ROSE: Emmett, you need to keep your eyes on the road. Allow me. *elbows Violet in her side*

M-  
EMMETT: ~is starting to get pissed off~ VIOLET: OWWW!! WHY DO YOU TWO HAVE TO BE SOOOOOO MEAN!?!?!?

EMMETT: LISTEN HERE F***ER!!! I AM NOT GOING TO DRIVE 12 F***ING HOURS JUST TO HEAR YOUR F***ING COMPLAINING!! GOD, I ALREADY GET ENOUGH AT IT AT HOME WITH MR. PRISSY PANTS. SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT THE F*** UP!?!?! I HAD TO DEAL WITH YOUR MOLESTING DAD AND ROSE HAD TO DEAL WITH YOUR PSYCHOTIC PARENTS. ENOUGH IS ENOUGH YO!

K-  
ROSE: YEAH! WHAT HE SAID! ZIP THE LIP!  
EDWARD: *still walking on the side of the road, kicking random rocks as he mopes and sings to himself*  
'And I can't STAND the pain And I can't make it go away No I can't STAND the pain HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEE'  
*looks up when he hears 'Prissy Pants' and starts running to the car and waving his arms*  
BROTHER!!!! SISTER!!!!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: ~sees Edward~ O_O!!!! HO SH**!! HOLD ON!! ~speeds up to 140 m.p.h.~ VIOLET: WHY ARE YOU GOING SO FAST!? YOU'RE BROTHER IS AWESOME!  
EMMETT: ~whispers~ Slut..

K-

EDWARD: *runs after them* I KNEW YOU'D COME BACK FOR ME!  
ROSE: FASTER, DAMMIT!  
EDWARD: I HEARD THAT!

M-  
EMMETT: ~pushes to 180~ VIOLET: ~is totally freaked out~ WHY DO YOU HAVE TO DRIVE SO FAST!? THERE'S NO WAY HE'LL CATCH UP TO US!!

K-  
EDWARD:*just now realizes that Violet is still in the car* EMMETT, WHAT DID YOU DO??? YOU HEARD MOM! SHE ASKED YOU VERY NICELY TO BRING HER HOME! BUT NOOOOOOO! WE JUST CAN'T DO WHAT WE'RE TOLD, CAN WE?  
Everyone Else: *is to far away to hear*  
EDWARD: WAIT! EMMETT, I DEMAND THAT YOU COME BACK AND TALK TO ME LIKE A MATURE ADULT! THIS IS NOT RESPECTFUL, EMMETT! NOT AT ALL! THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE, THAT'S WHAT IT IS! .ABLE!!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: YOU KNOW WHAT B****!?!? YOU'RE UNACCEPTABLE!! SO GO BE A PANSY SOMEWHERE ELSE!  
VIOLET:~didn't hear Edward because she's obousively not a vampire ((boy, would that be creepy..))~ EMMETT, WHO ARE YOU TALKING TO!?!? DO WE NEED TO GET THE PEOPLE IN THE WHITE JACKETS TO COME AND GET YOU!?!? I MEAN, I WOULD STILL LOVE YOU IF YOU WERE CRAZY, BUT PLEASE LET ME KNOW IF YOU TRY TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING!  
EMMETT: OH, I AM GETTING VERYYY CLOSE!!

K-  
ROSE: Oh, don't worry bout a thing, hun. I'd gladly kill you first. smile EDWARD: Pansy??? Such... Hurtful... LANGUAGE!!! *has a mental break down*

M-  
VIOLET: CAN WE PLEASEEEEE STOPPP!!! I HAVE TO PEE LIKE A MOTHER!  
EMMETT: NO!! NO PIT STOPS!  
VIOLET: I REALLYYY HAVE TO GOOO!  
EMMETT: ~sees a cup and throws it at her~ USE THIS!  
VIOLET: EWWWWWW!!! THAT'S NOT SANITARY!!

K-  
ROSE: Oh, for heavens sake! Emmett, just pull over! I CAN'T TAKE THE WHINING!

M-  
EMMETT: ~grunts but does pull over~ YOU HAVE 2 MINUTES!! GO!  
VIOLET: BUT THAT'S NOT LONG ENOUGH!  
EMMETT: DO I LOOK LIKE I CARE!?!?! GO WOMAN!  
VIOLET: ~gets out of the car and runs inside a Wal-mart~

K-  
ROSE: RUN, VIOLET, RUN!!!

M-  
VIOLET:~gives death glare to Rose and runs inside Wal-mart and sees a guy thatlooks bored out of his mind and looks as if he might shoot himself inthe face any minute because he hates working at Wal-mart~ Excuse me sir, where's the bathroom?

K-  
Wal-Mart Dude: *is reading a boring magazine and doesn't bother to look up* Gee,I don't know. Couldn't be under that big sign that says 'Restroom',could it? *waves his hand vaguely in the right direction* It's over there. God, ever been to a Wal-Mart before?

M-  
VIOLET: God, ever tried manners much. Thanks a lot, a**hole. ~goes inside the bathroom~

K-  
Totally Stressed out mother: *wrestling with a toddler throwing a tantrum* JIMMY, GET BACK HERE RIGHT NOW! YOU NEED TO FINISH WASHING YOUR HANDS, MISTER! YOUR FATHER WILL HEAR ABOUT THIS WHEN WE GET HOME!  
Jimmy: NO!!!! I DON'T WANNA! *runs around flinging soap and water everywhere while his frantic mother chases him with paper towels*

M-  
VIOLET: ~is one of the victims to the flinging soap and water~ Lovely..

K-  
Jimmy:*runs straight into Violet and slips in a puddle and starts wailing at the top of his lungs* MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYY! I MADE OWIE!  
Mother: See dear? This is why we don't play in the bathroom! Are you alright? *fixes his 'owie'*

M-  
VIOLET: ~goes straight to the stalls~ ~a minute later~ VIOLET: ~comes out of a stall and sees that she is soaked with water and soap bubbles~ Oh, fantastic..

K-  
Mother: Woops, sorry dear. 2 year olds. You know how they can be. *hands her the remaining paper towels*

M-  
VIOLET: Um... Sure..? ~thinks to herself: Does she think I'm a mom? Umm. YEAH, NO WAY!~

K-  
Mother: *drags sopping wet, crying Jimmy from the bathroom*  
Cleaning Lady: *walks in, sees the mess* HELL NO! *walks out* ((may I note that this is a reference to the outtakes from 'Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist'? Check it out sometime you guys. Pretty funny stuff...anyways, carrying on...))

M-  
VIOLET:~calls after her~ HEY, I'M NOT CLEANING THIS MESS UP LADY!! THIS IS RIDICIOUS!! THERE'S BUBBLES EVERYWHERE!!! ON THE WALLS, THE WINDOWS!!! WHAT IS THIS!?

K-  
Cleaning lady: *shouts while still walking away* HELL NO!  
Mother: *covers Jimmy's ears as they hurry to leave the store*

M-  
VIOLET: I AIN'T PICKIN IT UP!! YOU PICK IT UP!! IT'S YOUR JOB!!

K-  
ROSE:*walks in, looks at the mess* Nice going. Seriously, is this whats been taking you so long? Hello, what ever happened to 2 minutes?

M-  
VIOLET: THIS WASN'T MY FAULT OkAY!?!?! BLAME IT ON THE F***ING 2-YEAR-OLD THAT SPLASHED WATER ALL OVER ME!! AND NOW I'M ALL WET!  
EMMETT: ~walks into the bathroom without even caring~ WHATEVER HAPPENED TO TWO F***ING MINUTES!?!!? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING!? ~looks at how wet everything is~ WERE YOU TRYING TO TAKE A BATH IN THE SINK!?

K-  
Random Woman: *walks out of stall and gasps* THIS IS A LADIES ROOM! YOU HAVE NO BUSINESS IN HERE! PEDOPHILE!  
SECURITY!  
SECURITY!!!!!!!!

M-  
EMMETT: JEEZE LADY!! CAN'T WE GET SOME F***ING PRIVACY!?!?

K-  
WHY, SO YOU CAN HARASS THESE YOUNG WOMEN?  
*walks up to soaking wet Violet* DID THIS MAN DO THIS TO YOU? YOU POOR THING!  
SECURITY!!!!!!

M-  
VIOLET: ~thinks: Hmm.. Revenge~ No, he wasn't. BUT SHE WAS!! ~points to Rosalie~

K-  
ROSE: Violet, are you CRAZY?  
Woman: WHAT AN OUTRAGE! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME, YOUNG LADY! *grabs Rosalie by the ear and tugs her out of the bathroom*  
SECURITY!!!!!

M-  
VIOLET: FINALLY! We're alone! ~gets closer to Emmett~ EMMETT: DON'T YOU DARE TRY TO PUT THE "MOVES" ON ME! I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE CAPABLE OF! ~runs after the woman~ EXCUSE ME, BUT I THINK WE HAD A MISCOMMUNICATION!!!!

K-  
Woman: Oh really? What would YOU say happened, then? Do I need to call security? Don't make me do it, I will!  
SECURITY!

M-  
EMMETT: NO!! No.. I think that there's been a miscommunication because...~can't think of a reason so instead he grabs Rosalie and sprints out of the store as fast as he can and gets into the car and drives off~ VIOLET: ~chases the car~ HEYYYYYY!! WHAT ABOUT MEEE?!??!?!?!

K-  
ROSE: Oh yeah. *throws a towel out the window, which hits Violet in the face*  
WE'RE GONE, SUCKAHHHH!

M-  
Violet:~slowly falls backwards and makes a "NOOOOOOO" sound and lands in cow manure~ Ewww.. Wait, WHEN THE F*** DID THIS GET HERE!?!?!? ~kicks the manure~ Stupid manure..

K-  
Cleaning lady: *walks by Violet* Hell no! *leaves*  
ROSE: *high fives Emmett*  
EDWARD: *pops up in the back seat* BROTHER! SISTER! *attempts to hug them*  
ROSE: WERE YOU HIDING IN THE CAR THIS WHOLE TIME?  
EDWARD: Yes! And I must say, I felt it was rather unkind to leave that poor defenseless girl in the middle of a parking lot. Have you no shame??

M-  
EMMETT: ROSE, TAKE THE WHEEL FOR A MINUTE!! ~while Rose takes the wheel, Emmett rolls down the back window and pushes Edward out the window~ YOU'RE A DOUCHE BAG EDWARD!!! YOU HEAR ME!?!?! A. D-O-U-C-H-E B-A-G!!!!!!!!!

K-  
EDWARD:*as he flies away* SUCH LANGUAGE! SUCH RUDE BEHAVIOR! WHAT HAVE I DONE TO DESERVE THIS??? TELL ME, AM I REALLY SO MONSTROUS?

M-  
EMMETT: HELL YEAH, B****!!! ~rolls up the window and returns back to the wheel~ Thanks Rose.

K-  
ROSE: You know it, homie. I got your back. WORD!

M-  
EMMETT: STRAIGHT UP!! POUND IT!! ~pounds Rose's fist~ ME 'ND ROSE HERE CHILLIN WITH THE WINDOWS DOWN, THINKIN' THAT WE BE THE COOLEST HOMIES IN THE TOWN. WE DRIVIN' ALL THE WAY, THIS WAY AND THAT, WE KNOWIN' WE BE THE COOLEST CATS. SO CAN I GET A YE-AH, AND A YAY!? CAUSE NOW YOU KNOW WE'RE HERE TO STAY!!! SO IF YOU THINKIN' YOU'RE COOLER, YOU BETTER THINK 'BOUT IT, CAUSE WHEN ME 'ND ROSE BE HERE WE BE THE SH**!!!!

K-  
ROSE: STRAIGHT UP! DON'T DENY IT, FOOLS!  
*cough*  
Um. Right then.

M-  
EMMETT:~laughs~ Alright, do you want something to eat? I'm kind of hungry. And I had some McDonald's earlier, ~gestures to the backseat of the car where about 15 empty bag of McDonald's bags are~ but I'm still hungry. And I could go for a McFrosty.. Those things are the absolute sh**, yo.

K-  
ROSE: Eating...? Uh, you go right ahead.

M-  
~they pull over to a McDonalds~ EMMETT: ~gets out of the car~ Do you want anything while I'm in there?

K-  
ROSE: Noooo thank you. I'm not big into people food.

M-  
EMMETT: Okay, I'm gunna get you a McFrosty anyway. ~walks inside of McDonald's~

K-  
ROSE: Great. *pouts and starts twiddling with the radio*

M-  
~10 minutes later~ EMMETT: ~comes out of McDonalds with about 30 bags of food~ OKAY HUN, I GOT YOU 10 McFROSTIES!! HOPE YOU HAVE ROOM!

K-  
ROSE: EMMETT! What am I going to DO with all of this??


End file.
